A woman went to the newspaper to publish an obituary for her recently deceased husband. The editor informed her the charge was 50 cents per word. She paused and then said, “How about, ‘William MacKinney died’?” Amused by the woman’s thrift, the editor told her that there was a seven-word minimum. She paused again and then said, “Okay, how about ‘William MacKinney died. Golf clubs for sale’?”
The Dating Scene (joke)
Bob and Bill were talking at the bar. Bob looked really down in the dumps. “What’s wrong, Bob?” asked Bill. Bob sighed. “I just don’t get it. The dating scene is so confusing. There are so many people to please. I dated this one woman, she liked me and her mom liked me but her father hated me. And this other woman, both her parents liked me but she didn’t like me that much. And then last week I met this woman who absolutely loved me, her parents liked me… but her husband couldn’t stand me!”
50 First Dates
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10 Rules for Dating: Blind and Otherwise
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Computer Addict’s exercise plan
Computer Addicts’ Exercise Plan: Sitting, staring, and typing may no longer be enough to keep you in shape. Here’s a regimen to build those arms, shoulders and back muscles. While sitting at your computer, raise a 5-pound potato sack with each hand, extending your arms until they are straight out from your sides. Try to hold them there for at least 10 seconds. Relax. Drink coffee. Repeat. After a few weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks and eventually work your way up to 25-pound potato sacks in each hand for a full minute. Once you can do that with confidence, slip a potato into each sack, but be careful. Don’t overdo it!
Becoming a better listener
A man is driving down a road when a woman passes him. She yells out her window, “PIG!” He yells back, “BITCH!” He rounds the next curve and crashes into a huge hog in the middle of the road. Thought For The Day: “If only men would listen.”
Little Johnny on the Farm
“Well, Little Johnny, did you enjoy your field trip today?” “It was okay, Mom.” “What did you see?” “We went to a farm and saw sheep, horses, goats, and f**kers.” “What?!” his mother gasped. “What’s that?” “You know, Mom; the animals that give us milk.” “But who told you they were called that?” “Our teacher. Well, actually she called them ‘F-ers,’ but we all knew what she meant!”
It runs in the family
An 80-year-old man was in for his annual check-up and the doctor was impressed by his condition. The doctor asked, “To what do you attribute your good health?” The old timer said, “I’m a golfer. That’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m on the tee as soon as it’s daylight.” The doctor said, “Well, I’m sure that helps, but there must be more than that. How old was your father when he died?” “Who said my father’s dead?” “What? You’re 80 and your dad’s still alive? How old is he?” “He’s 100! He’s a golfer, too. In fact, we played this morning.” “Well, that’s great, but there must be more than that. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?” “Who said my grandpa’s dead?” “What?! You mean your grandfather’s still alive, too? How old is he?” “119.” The doctor began to think he was being kidded. “So I suppose he went golfing with you this morning, too?” “No, Grandpa couldn’t go today; his new wife wouldn’t let him.” “New wife? Why would a man 119 years old want to get married?” “Who said he wanted to?”
The Cab Ride
A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate their anniversary. The taxi arrived, and, just as they started out the door, their dog shot back into the house. They didn’t want the dog shut inside all night, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband took care of the dog. The wife, not wanting it known that their home would be empty all evening, explained to the driver, “My husband will be here in a moment. He’s just saying good-bye to my mother.” When the breathless husband finally climbed into the cab, he said, “Sorry I took so long, but I had to poke that stupid bitch with a coat hanger to get her to come out from under the bed! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!” The silence in the cab was deafening.
The “Good Old Days” (joke)
This grandmother joke will have you laughing for days…
A grandmother was telling her granddaughter about the “good old days.” “When a gentleman and lady were interested in each other, eventually they would start ‘spooning’.” The young girl asked, “Why did they call it ‘spooning,’ grandma?” And Grandma replied, “I guess because it sounded better than to say we were out ‘forking!’ ”
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes
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The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes is the ultimate collection of X-rated and decidedly politically incorrect jokes–an indispensable guide to the funny, the fearless and the filthy. Be warned, the contents of this spanking new bumper book are not for the faint-hearted or easily offended. This unique and up-to-the-minute compendium features thousands of politically incorrect jokes covering every topic from Alzheimer’s to Zoos. Among the themes are Accidents, Adultery, Australians, Breasts, Cannibals, Cowboys, Drunks, Farting, Flight Attendants, Foreplay, Honeymoons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Marriage, Masturbation, Nuns, Old age, Orgasms, Parrots, Priests, Sodomy, Surgery, Therapy, and, of course, Viagra.
The Computer Shop
A man’s printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop. A friendly young man informed him, “Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.” Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, “Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage business?” “Actually, it was my boss’s idea,” said the young employee. “He says that if we let people try to fix things themselves first, we end up making even more money!”
Telling the Truth
Once upon a time, there was a little country boy who lived in a home without indoor plumbing. The little boy hated their outhouse because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter, and smelled gross all year long. One boring day, after a huge spring rain made the creek rise nearly to the outhouse, he decided to push the evil thing into the creek. He pushed and pushed until he got it rocking back and forth and finally it toppled into the creek and floated away. That night, his dad confronted him. “Someone pushed our outhouse into the creek today. Tell the truth, son. It was you, wasn’t it?” “Yes, dad, it was.” “Then tonight, after dinner, you and I are heading for the woodshed.” “But, dad,” argued the boy, “in school we learned that when George Washington was little, he chopped down a cherry tree and he didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.” His dad replied, “Well, son, that may be, but George Washington’s father wasn’t in that cherry tree!”