Two Whales in the Ocean (joke)

A male and female whale are swimming off the coast of Japan when they passed under the very whaling ship that killed the male’s father five years before. Excited at the chance to exact revenge for his father’s death, the male says, “Let’s swim right underneath the ship and expel air through our blow holes until we capsize their boat. That ought to make them think twice about killing innocent whales!” The female whale agrees and together they manage to sink the whaler. But their celebration is short-lived when they notice most of the sailors are swimming to shore. “Let’s gobble them up!” cries the male. “No way,” says the female: “I agreed to the blow job, but there’s NO WAY I’m swallowing seamen!”

The Personal Ads (joke)

A young lady answered a personal ad in the paper and arranged a date with a nice-sounding man. At the appointed hour, the doorbell rang. But when she opened the door, she got a surprise: the nice-looking fellow standing there had no arms or legs! “I’m the guy from the ad in the paper.” “Yes, but, but,” she protested. “Oh, you’ve probably noticed my physical challenges. But look at it this way. Since I have no arms, I can’t hit you. Since I have no legs, I can’t run around on you.” She considered all this. “Well, perhaps. And you are handsome. But, can you satisfy my needs?” she said. He replied, “I rang the door bell, didn’t I?!”

WTF Pic – The Ladies Man

ladies man wtf pic

Here’s another WTF pic I call “the Ladies Man” (lol). I don’t know what’s more disturbing really in this pic. The fact that “the ladies man” is drinking up to double team granny and mom, the fact that there must be a dozen fifths of hard liquor on that table against the wall, or the fact that granny is puking in a wastebasket between her feet with a cold beer against her head. What the hell was going on here?

Mr. Sensitivity (joke)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn’t mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?” She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, “Well, how was it?” The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says…

“Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!”

Redneck Raffle (joke)

While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.

They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place- a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra thin spaghetti.

Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.

Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, “Great!, I love spaghetti!”

Billy Bob asked Bubba, “How ’bout you, how’s the toilet brush? “Not so good,” replied Bubba, “I’m thinking ’bout switching back to paper.”

Top prize at the Irish pub (joke)

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

Who’s in Charge? (joke)

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

‘I should be in charge,’ said the brain , ‘Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the blood , ‘Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the stomach,’ Because I process food and give all of you energy.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the legs, ‘because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the eyes, ‘Because I allow the body to see where it goes.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the rectum, ‘Because I’m responsible for waste removal.’

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

he Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…

The asshole is usually in charge

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