An elderly gentleman suffered from Alzheimer’s. His wife loved him very much, but just couldn’t handle him any longer and decided she would have to take him to a nursing home. At the home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, the old gentleman sat in a chair. Suddenly the man started leaning slowly to his left. A nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. By then, his wife had completed the paperwork. She asked him, “So? How do you like the place?” “It’s okay, I guess” he replied. “But, why won’t they let me fart?”
So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong ? He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
‘An, ID ten T error ? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Eric grinned …. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?
‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’ So I wrote down:
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.
A woman called a union plumber to her Manhattan apartment to fix a leaking pipe. The plumber was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious well-stacked babe. During the course of his visit they became quite “friendly.” Late in the afternoon the phone rang, disturbing their bedroom shenanigans. Putting down the phone, she said, “My husband is on his way home, but he has to go back to the office around eight. If you come back then we can take up where we left off.” The plumber looked at her in disbelief. “What? On my own time?!”
A prestigious law firm interviewing prospective attorneys had narrowed the field down to Bob and Paul. Both had graduated at the top of their respective law school classes. Both were from good families. Both were equally handsome. Both were well-spoken. But the senior law partner only asked each man one question, “Why did you become a lawyer?” and then chose Bob. Later, Paul said to Bob, “I can’t understand why he didn’t want me. When he asked me why I became a lawyer, I told him that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I’d lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do the right thing for my clients. What did you say?” Bob replied, “I just told him, ‘I became a lawyer because of my hands.'” “Your hands?” asked Paul incredulously. “Yeah,” said Bob. “One day I looked at my hands and there wasn’t any money in either of them!”
Mr. and Mrs. Smith had tried for years to have a child, with no luck. They decided to hire a “proxy??? father. On the day the proxy was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. He should be here soon.??? A few minutes later, a door-to-door baby photographer chanced to ring the doorbell, hoping for a sale. “Good morning, madam,??? he began his pitch. “You don’t know me, but I’m here to…??? “Oh, there’s need to explain,??? Mrs. Smith cut in. “Come right in.??? “Really???? said the photographer. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.??? “That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please sit down. Now, where do we start???? asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. “Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.??? “Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn’t worked for Harry and me.??? “Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.??? “I hope we can get this over with quickly,??? gasped Mrs. Smith. “Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.??? “Ain’t it the truth!??? Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and spread out his portfolio of baby pictures. “This was done on the courthouse steps downtown.??? “Oh, my God!??? Mrs. Smith exclaimed. “And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.??? The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. “She was difficult???? asked Mrs. Smith. “Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.??? “Four and five deep???? asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. “Yes,??? the photographer said. “And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could barely concentrate. As darkness approached, I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.??? Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, eh, equipment???? “That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.??? “Tripod???? now Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried. “Oh, yes. I have to use a tripod to hold up my Canon. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she’s fainted!???
A farmer’s last rooster dies leaving his 200 hens unable to produce chicks. He logs onto roosters.com, finds a highly-touted and high-priced specimen, clicks “order??? and the next day, FedEx delivers a rather ordinary looking rooster named Randy. Before releasing Randy to the chicken coop, the farmer tells him, “You were one danged expensive rooster and I’ve got a couple hundred chickens here for you to service, so take your time and do a good job.??? Randy acts as if he understands, but as soon as he is released he attacks the hens with a vengeance, working his way through the entire flock, not just once, but three times without pause! The farmer can’t believe his eyes. Then Randy runs out of the hen house, sees a flock of geese down by the lake and services all the geese. The farmer is distraught, worrying that his expensive rooster won’t make it through the night. Sure enough, the next morning when the farmer wakes, he sees Randy lying dead, buzzards circling overhead. As the farmer bends over to retrieve his costly loss, he shakes his head and says, “Damn it, Randy! Didn’t I tell you to pace yourself???? Randy opens one eye, looks at the circling buzzards and says, “Shhh. They’re getting closer.???
When Cardboard Men Come In Handy! A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn’t very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, What’s going on here?” “My car broke down, officer” says the woman calmly. “Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?” he asks. “Helllooooooo!!!!” says the blonde. “Those are my emergency flashers!”
The neighbor with the ditto Christmas lights must’ve been fed up with the neighbors having the huge display all these years (lol).
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday’s sermon he told them, “If one more person confesses to adultery, I’ll quit!??? Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: “fallen.??? From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fallen.??? This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. “You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can’t believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!??? The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know why you’re laughing; your wife fell three times last week!???
A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervor! “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d throw it all into the river.??? With greater emphasis, he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d throw it all into the river.??? And finally he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d throw it all into the river, too!??? As he took his chair, the song leader stood and announced with a smile, “For our closing hymn, let us sing number 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.???