A man complained to his doctor that his wife never wanted to have sex. The doctor told him to bring her in for a checkup. When she arrived, the doctor asked her about her libido. “Well, doctor,” she replied, “the truth is that every morning I take a cab to work and the cabbie always asks me, ‘So are you gonna pay today or what?’ And since we don’t have much money, I always give him the ‘or what’ which makes me late for work so my boss yells at me, ‘So are we going to dock your salary or what?’ And since we need the money, I always give him the ‘or what.’ By the time I get home, I don’t feel like having any more sex.” “Hmmmmm,” thought the doctor, “I see. So, are we going to tell your husband about this, or what?”
The World’s Best Dirty Jokes
Price: $10.43
Each of us has laughed at one or more of the great classics– whether it was the one about the elephant and the canary or the one about the travelling salesman and the farmer’s daughter. Good taste , as it was interpreted by the censors, did not allow the collection and publication of these funniest dirty stories. And so they have been told aloud, passed from mouth to mouth and sometimes from generation to generation. Things have changed. And so, a few years ago, Mr. J. decided to gather together the very best– the very funniest– from the large crop of dirty jokes. Dirty isn’t, of itself, funny. A good dirty joke is often graphic and sometimes shocking. But it is always amusing and often causes hilarity. The final crop of jokes was selected by 12 separate judges. Only those jokes that brought cheer and laughter to the heart were permitted to remain. Some of the stories will be familiar to you. None will be heard on radio or television. But all are designed to make you smile– and, with a little practice, you can make others laugh, too.
Thomas and his dog entered a bar. The bartender said, “No dogs allowed.” Thomas replied, “But, sir. Rover is a talking dog.” The skeptical bartender said,, “Prove it and he can stay.” Thomas said to the dog, “Rover, tell him what you want to drink.” Sure enough, Rover clearly said, “Gimme a beer.” The bartender said, “No way! You’re a ventriloquist.” Thomas responded, “If you don’t believe me, how about if I go to the bathroom and you can ask him yourself.” So he did and the bartender asked, “Well? What’ll ya have?” Rover clearly said, “Gimme a beer.” The bartender was still skeptical, so he pulled a ten-dollar bill from the register and told Rover, “This is yours if you go to the bar across the street and say the same thing.” When Thomas came out of the bathroom, he asked, “Where’s my dog?!” The bartender said, “I sent him across the street to another bar.” Furious, Thomas ran out of the bar, and found Rover out on the curb, banging a sexy poodle. Thomas shouted, “Rover! Rover? What are you doing? You’ve never done this before!” And Rover said, “I’ve never had ten bucks before!”
Back in the glorious days of luxury train travel, Luigi and his new bride, Virginia, honeymooned in Florida by train. Upon his return, Luigi stopped by the Italian-American Club in his old neighborhood and all his friends wanted to hear the details about his trip. Luigi said, “Ever’thing was’a perfect except for da train ride’a down. That train has’a too many rules!” “What’a you mean, Luigi?” asked a friend. “Well, it’sa like ‘dis. We board’a da train atta Grand Central Station. My beautiful’a Virginia had packed a big’a basket a food an’ vino an’ cigars for da trip. Ever’thing was okay until we got’a hungry and I opened up’a Virginia’s lunch’a basket. The conductor come by, wagged his’a finger at us and’a say, ‘No eat in dese’a car. Must’a use’a dining car.’ So, me and my Virginia we go to da dining car, eat our big’a lunch and open’a our bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his’a finger and say, ‘No drink’a in dese’a car. Must’a use’a club’a car.’ So we go to club’a car. While we drink da vino, I light’a my big’a cigar. An’ don’cha know that same conductor came by again, waggin’ his a’finger and say, ‘No smoke’a in dese’a car. Must’a go to smoker car.’ So we go to da smoker car and I smoke’a my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car and’a we go to bed. And we were just about to have’a sex when that conductor come’a through yelling, ‘No’folk’a, Virginia!'”
A dentist said to his patient, “This is just a shot to numb your jaw before we pull that tooth.” The patient replied, “No, don’t! I’m afraid of needles.” The dentist said, “Okay, I’ll use gas to put you to sleep.” The man said, “No, you can’t. I’m allergic to nitrous oxide.” The dentist said, “Hmm. I’ll be back in a moment. Let me look for something else.” A few minutes later he returned with a couple of blue pills. The guy asked, “What’s that? It looks like Viagra.” The dentist replied, “It is Viagra. It won’t lessen your pain, but they’ll give you something to hang onto while I pull that tooth!”
A mother was working in the kitchen while her 5-year-old son played with his electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son announce, “All you bastards who want off, get the hell off now! And all you bastards who want on, get your ass on the train ’cause we’re headin’ down the tracks!” The horrified woman ran into the living room. “You know we don’t use language like that in this house. Go to your room and stay there for two hours!” He hung his head and walked upstairs. Two hours later, he came back down. “Now, Johnny, you may play with your trains, but you must use nice language.” Soon the trains were running again and Mom returned to the kitchen. Then she heard the train stop and her son announce, “All passengers, please remember your things. Thank you for riding with us. We hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you boarding, remember: there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant journey with us today.” As she began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, you can see that bitch in the kitchen!”
A professional photographer, at a friend’s house for dinner, was asked to show his portfolio from a recent overseas trip. His friends were quite impressed. “What wonderful photos!” said the wife. “You must have a very expensive camera.” The photographer just smiled and waited until after dinner, when he said, “Thank you for the delicious meal. You must have very expensive pans!”
A redneck was in the doctor’s office getting the results of his brain scan. The doctor said, “Billy Bob, these results are amazing. First, your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side.” Billy Bob interrupted, “Well, ain’t that normal, Doc? Don’t ever’body got two sides?” The doctor replied, “Well, yes, but on the left side of your brain there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left!”
A woman was walking down the street when she heard a booming voice shout, “Stop! Don’t take another step!” She obeyed and suddenly a ton of bricks fell right where she would have been. She looked around, saw no one and assumed she imagined the voice. She continued a few minutes until the same voice cried out again, “Stop! Don’t take another step!” She stopped just as an out of control car skidded past her and slammed into a utility pole. Looking around, seeing no one, she yelled, “Who are you?!” The voice answered, “I am your guardian angel. I warn you before something bad happens. Do you have any questions of me?” “Yes!” said the woman. “Where were you on my wedding day?!”
A man met an attractive mature woman in a nightclub. They had some drinks, danced a while, and when things got going she asked him if he’d ever had “a sportsman’s double?” “What’s a sportman’s double?” he asked. “A mother-daughter threesome,” she replied, rubbing his leg. Always interested in learning new things, he immediately headed to her place. She opened the front door, turned on the lights, and yelled upstairs, “Mom? You still awake?”
Barry was hired to play trumpet on a movie score and was thrilled when he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, he couldn’t wait to see the finished product. He waited a month and then asked the producer when and where it was going to play. The embarrassed producer explained that the music was for a porno and it was out now. Barry put on a hat and sunglasses, pulled up his collar, and sneaked into the porno theater. He sat far in the back, near an elderly couple who were also hiding. The movie was the filthiest, most perverse flick he’d ever seen… halfway through a dog even got in on the action. Embarrassed, Barry whispered to the old couple, “I’m only here for the music.” The woman looked back and whispered, “It’s okay. We’re just here to see our dog!”
Jokes, Funny Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Blonde Jokes, Adult Jokes, and Funny Stuff to Keep you Laughing!
