God needed a vacation but couldn’t decide where to go. An aide suggested Venus. “I don’t think so,” replied God, “I was there 10,000 years ago and I ended up with the worst case of sunburn ever!” “How about Jupiter?” “Nope. Too cold,” said God. “I was there 5,000 years ago and I nearly froze!” A third advisor suggested Earth. “You can’t be serious!” said God roared. “I was there 2,000 years ago and they’re still accusing me of getting some Jewish girl pregnant!”
A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
“You Got Male!!”
is delivered to a local mortuary…… and he’s wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, ‘There’s no charge.’
‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,’ she says.
‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the mortician says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’
‘So I just switched the heads.’
This year I thought I thought I’d enter the Christmas Lights competition in my local village. Turns out instead of placing I was banned from ever competing again – go figure! Here’s my entry (which I thought was very funny)…
A recent poll asked men whether they preferred women with large thighs or women with thin thighs. The results may be surprising: 10% of men surveyed preferred women with large thighs. 10% of men preferred women with thin thighs. 80% preferred what’s in-between.
At a local college dance in Sweden , an American asked a local girl to dance. While they were dancing, he gave her a little squeeze, and whispered, “In America , we call this a hug.” She replied, “Yaah, in Sveden ve call dis a hug, too.” A little later, he gave her a peck on the cheek. “In America , we call this a kiss.” She replied, “Yaah, in Sveden ve call dis a kiss, too.” A few drinks later, they moved out to the campus lawn and had sex. “In America ,” he told her, “we call this a grass sandwich.” She replied, “Yaaah, in Sveden ve call dis a grass sandwich, too. But ve put more meat in it!”
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’
Margaret looked him over. ‘Nope.’
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!’
Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’
‘Nope’, she replied.
‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!’
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.’
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German passed a street juggler performing before a crowd of people. There were so many people that the four yelled, “We can’t see you!” The juggler jumped on top of a box and asked, “Can you see me now?” And the four men said: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja
What is the difference between a feminist and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods!
The sweet little girl asked, “How did I get here, Mommy?” Mother replied, “God sent you, honey.” “And did God send you too, Mommy?” “Yes, sweetheart, he did.” “And Daddy and Grandma and Grandpa and their moms and dads, too?” “Yes, honey, all of them, too.” The child shakes her little head in disbelief. “So you’re telling me nobody in this family has sex in 200 years? No wonder you’re so grouchy!”