A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, “Do you have health insurance?” He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.” The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, “No money in the bank.” The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?” He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.” The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
A wealthy couple, going out for the evening, gave their butler the night off. “We’ll be home late, Jeeves. Enjoy your evening.” However, the wife developed a headache, so she returned home alone. As she entered her house, she found Jeeves sitting by himself. “Jeeves, follow me.” And she led him to her bedroom and closed the door. “Jeeves, take off my dress.” He did so carefully. “Jeeves, take off my stockings and garter belt.” He silently obeyed. “Jeeves, remove my bra and panties.” He did, while the tension mounted. Finally, she said, “Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”
George was in for his annual physical. “George, everything looks great for a 70-year-old man, but how are you doing mentally, emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself? Do you have a good relationship with God?” George replied, “God and I just fine. Why, when I get up in the middle of the night, he turns on the light before I go to the bathroom and then when I’m done, he turns it back off again.” This puzzled the Doctor, so he called George’s wife. “Thelma, George is just fine physically, but I’m concerned something he said. He said when he gets up during the night, God turns on the light before he goes to the bathroom, then turns it back off again when he’s done.” Thelma just groaned. “That old fool! He’s peeing in the ‘fridge again!”
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
‘Amazing,’ he thought as he flew down I-70, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, ‘What am I doing? I’m too old for this,’ and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, ‘Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.’
The old gentleman paused. Then said, ‘Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.’
‘Have a good day, sir,’ replied the trooper.
A pair of two-thousand-year-old statues in the center of a Roman park was struck by lighting, causing them to come to life. The naked male statue ran to the naked female statue. “Have you been thinking what I’ve been thinking these centuries?” “Oh, yes,” she whispered, “let’s do it!” and they raced off together into the bushes. When they emerged, the male statue gazed longingly back at the bushes and whispered, “You know, it may be centuries before this happens again. Want to do it again?” “Sure,” gushed the female statue, “but this time, you hold the pigeon down while I crap on him!”
A man took his seat aboard the plane and as he settled in, he saw a beautiful woman headed straight for him. A wave of nervous anticipation washed over him. Sure enough, she sat right beside him. He attempted conversation with, “So where are you headed today?” She turned, flashed a gorgeous smile, and said, “Chicago, for the big Nymphomaniac Convention.” Whoa! He swallowed hard, and was instantly aroused! The most gorgeous woman he’s ever seen is sitting right beside him and she’s going to a nymphomaniac convention! Struggling to keep his cool, he asked, “Oh really? What’s your role there?” She flipped back her lovely hair and looked deep into his eyes. “I’m one of the featured speakers. I debunk popular myths about sexuality.” “Really? What myths?” “Well, one is that African American men are the best endowed, when in fact it is the Native American. Another myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when in reality it is the Jew.” Suddenly, the woman became self-conscious. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I didn’t mean to make you feel awkward discussing things like this with you. Why, I don’t even know your name!” The man extended his hand and smiled. “Tonto; Tonto Goldberg.”
The blonde plopped down in First Class in spite of her Coach ticket. The stewardess informed her, “Miss, you’re going to have to move to your seat.” But the blonde merely smiled smugly. “Honey, you don’t understand: I’m cute, I’m blonde, and when I get to Las Vegas, I’m going to be rich.” Even the head stewardess couldn’t make her move. “I’m cute, I’m blonde, and when I get to Las Vegas, I’m going to be rich.” Finally the Captain was summoned. He whispered in the blonde’s ear, she gave him a surprised look, then stood up and moved quietly to Coach. The stewardesses were impressed. “What did you say to get her to leave?” “Oh, I just told her ‘First Class doesn’t stop in Las Vegas!'”
A woman was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
Bubba rented an apartment in New York City and went out in the hallway to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady in a robe came out of the next apartment. Bubba smiled, and they struck up a conversation. Talking animatedly, her robe slipped open, making it obvious she had nothing else on. Trying his damnedest to maintain eye contact, poor Bubba eventually broke out in a sweat. A few seconds later, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Come into my apartment. I hear someone coming…” Bubba followed her inside. She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall open completely. She purred, “So, what would you say is my best asset?” The flustered, embarrassed Bubba stammered, cleared his throat and finally squeaked, “Well, you’re sure a pretty lady, but I’d have to say your ears!” She’s astounded! “What? With a body like mine, you say ‘ears?'” “Because, you know, outsideâ€¦ when you said you heard someone comingâ€¦ Hell, lady that was me!”
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl. “Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.”