The Other Man (joke)

Drowsing contentedly in bed after an afternoon of vigorous love- making, there was the sound of a car pulling up outside. Dreamily, the girl whispered, “Oh, no! Get moving. That’s my husband!” The man leapt from the bed, grabbed his clothes and rushed to the window, when he suddenly stopped. “Waddaya mean?” he bellowed. “I’m your husband!”

Shipwrecked (joke)

A nine-year-old boy was shipwrecked on a desert island. Ten years passed without him seeing another living soul. Then, one day, walking along the beach, he discovered a beautiful young woman washed up on the beach, a victim of another shipwreck. As he told her his story, she asked, “But how have you survived all this time, alone?” The now nineteen-year-old man replied, “Oh, it’s easy. I fish; I gather berries, coconuts and fruit; and I dig for clams.” “But what do you do for sex?” He replied, “Sex? What’s sex?” She started to explain, but decided it would be easier just to show him …and show him …and show him. When they were finally done, she gazed into his eyes and murmured, “Well, how do you like sex?” The young man said, “I love it. But look what you did to my clam digger!”

The Blonde Handyman

A blonde wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a handyman. She canvassed the neighborhood and finally found a man who needed his porch painted. “How much will you charge me?” he asked. “How about $50?” asked the blonde. The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said, “Does she realize that the porch goes all around the house?” The husband looked at her with a cynical frown. “You’re right! I guess I’m starting to believe all of those blonde jokes you get in e mails every day.” A short time late the blonde came to the door to collect. “Are you finished already?” the husband asked. “Yes” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over so gave it two coats–no extra charge.” Impressed. the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “It’s not a Porch—it’s a Lexus.”

Cat at the Pearly Gates (joke)

A cat died. God met her at the Pearly Gates and said, “You’ve been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat said, “All my life I slept on hard wooden floors. I’d like a nice fluffy pillow.” God said, “So be it,” and there was a huge fluffy pillow. A week later, six mice died. At the Pearly Gates, God made them the same offer. The mice said, “All of our lives we’ve had to run from cats, from dogs, and even from people! We’d love some roller skates.” God said, “So be it.” A week later, God noticed the cat asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened her and asked, “Is everything okay? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, Heaven is wonderful. My pillow is fluffy and I just love the Meals on Wheels you send over!”

The Parrot on the Sidewalk (joke)

On nice days, a pet store put its parrot in a cage on the sidewalk out front of the shop. As a woman walked past, the parrot said, “Hey, lady! You’re ugly!” The lady was angry, but continued on to work. That evening, on her way home, she passed the same parrot. It said, “Hey, lady! You’re ugly!” Now she was furious, but continue on home. The next morning, as she passed the same parrot, it again said, “Hey, lady! You’re ugly!” That’s it! Three times was too much. She stormed into the store and told the manager that she was going to sue his store unless he could quiet that bird. He promised that he would. That evening, on her way home from work, the same lady passed the same store. The same parrot called out, “Hey, lady!” She paused and stared it straight in the eye. “Yes?” she said. The bird said, “You know!”

The Evolution of Dance (funny video)

I’ve seen this before, and the only reason I decided to post this is there’s always people that haven’t seen it before…or if you’re like me – you might not have seen it in awhile – and it STILL really cracks you up. This is comedian Judson Laipply, and this bit he does is amazing. He calls it “The Evolution of Dance” and this clip is about 6 minutes long. As funny as this is – it’s even more amazing that he can do all these dances at all. If you saw the guy on the street you wouldn’t even think he COULD dance! Enjoy – this is a really good clip!

Ed Zachary Disease Joke

Just when you thought you’d heard all the ethnic Chinese jokes there were – this one comes out of left field!

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said ‘OK take off all your crose. ‘ The woman did as she was told. ‘Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.’ Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said ‘OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.’ So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said ‘Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.’ Worried the woman asked anxiously ‘Oh my God Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?’Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied ‘Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.’

What is Politics?

This is the famous “What is Politics” joke…

Son: “Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?”

Father: “Sure son. What’s the question?”

Son: “What is Politics?”

Father: “Well, let’s take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let’s call me “Capitalism”. your mother is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her “Government”. We take care of your need, so let’s call you “The People”. We’ll call the maid “The Working Class” and your little brother, we can call “The Future”. Do you understand son?

Son: “I’m not really sure, dad. I’ll have to think about it.”

That night awakened by his brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: “Dad, now I think i understand what politics is.”

Father: “Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?”

Son: “Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.”

The Seven Dwarfs are Voyeurs

Snow White was sleepy and told the seven dwarfs she was going to bed. After the usual seven “Good Nights!” she went upstairs. Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside and stood on each other’s shoulders beneath her bedroom window. Since tonight was Grumpy’s turn to be on top, he was the only one who could see inside so it was his duty to describe exactly what he saw to the others. He reported, “She’s taking off her blouse.” and this was echoed down the stack, “She’s taking off her blouse.” “She’s taking off her blouse.” “She’s taking off her blouse.” “She’s taking off her blouse.” “She’s taking off her blouse.” “She’s taking off her blouse.” Then Grumpy said, “She’s taking off her skirt!” which was again echoed, “She’s taking off her skirt!” “She’s taking off her skirt!” etc. Then Grumpy reported, “She’s taking off her bra!” which echoed, “She’s taking off her bra!” on down the pile. “She’s taking off her panties!” Ditto. Finally, Grumpy looked around and, from his vantage point, saw a stranger heading towards them from out of the woods. He said, “Someone’s coming!” And down the line of dwarves was heard, “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too….”

Nude Sunbathing on Lunch (joke)

The well proportioned though nearsighted secretary like to spend her lunch hour sunbathing on her office building’s roof. Wanting an even facial tan, she always left her glasses lying on her desk. After a few days, she decided that, since no one could see her anyway, she might as well get a more “overall tan.” No sooner than she had removed her bathing suit and stretched out, but she heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled her towel over her bottom. “Excuse me, miss,” said the young man. “No one minds you sunbathing up here, but you really should wear a bathing suit.” “What difference does it make?” she asked. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with this towel.” “Not exactly,” said the embarrassed waiter. “You’re lying on the executive dining room skylight!”