Shampoo for Blondes Joke

His blonde date asked from the shower, “Do you have any other shampoo?” “Why? What’s wrong?” “This bottle says it’s for dry hair and mine’s already wet!”

Blonde Gambling

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless.’

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, ‘Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!’

Here’s a blonde joke that will leave you laughing!

As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed ‘YES! YES! I WON! I WON!’

She hugged each of the dealers…and then picked up her winnings, and her Clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’

The other answered, ‘I don’t know… I thought you were watching.’

St. Peter and the Jewish Man (joke)

St. Peter asks the Jewish man why he deserves to be in Heaven. He replies, “I’ve been a pious Jew all my life, attended synagogue every Saturday, and I raised a lot of money for Jewish causes.” “And what is your wife’s name?” asks St. Peter. “Penny,” the man replies. “Penny?!” shouts St. Peter. “You Jews are all alike. Money, money, money. You even married a woman whose name has to do with money! Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!” Then St. Peter asks the Irishman why he deserves to be in Heaven. “I’ve been a devout Catholic all my life, attended church every Sunday, given generously to the church, and always took wafers and wine at communion.” “And what’s your wife’s name?” “Brandy.” “Brandy?!! You Irish are all alike. Drink, drink, drink. You even married a woman whose name is a type of alcohol. Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!” With that, the Greek man turns to his wife and says, “Come on, Fanny, let’s get out of here…”

The Irishman Gets Cancer (joke)

Murphy’s doctor sighed and gave him the bad news. You have incurable cancer. I give you maybe a month to live.” Murphy was shocked and saddened, but managed to compose himself and headed for the pub. There he found his son. Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things are bad. In my case, things are bad. I have cancer and have but a short time to live. Let’s have a few pints.” After a few, they were approached by some of Murphy’s old friends. “Why the celebration?” Murphy said, “My friends, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things are bad. In my case, things are bad. I’m dying from AIDS.” They gave Murphy their condolences and had some more beers together. After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion. “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? What’s this about AIDS?” Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer, son. But after I’m gone, I don’t want any of them bums sleepin’ with your mother!”

Frank’s bad luck bear hunting (joke)

Frank was bear hunting when he spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Suddenly there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear standing on its hind legs. The black bear said, “You have two choices, pal: either I maul you to death or we have sex.” Frank quickly decided to bend over. Eventually he recovered and vowed revenge. He returned to the same spot, seeking that same black bear. And when he found it, he shot it. Suddenly, he felt another tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a huge grizzly bear standing over him. The grizzly bear said, “Big mistake, buddy. You have two choices: either I maul you to death or we have sex.” Again, Frank thought it better to comply. Although he survived, it took months before he fully recovered, but when he did he headed back to the same woods, again seeking revenge. He managed to track down that very same grizzly bear and shot it, extracting his revenge. But another tap on his shoulder, another spin around, and there was a giant polar bear! The polar bear said, “Admit it, Frank. You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

The Blonde Nun Joke

A blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. “My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love and your prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to commend you and to grant you anything you wish.” “Oh, Father, I am perfectly happy. I do what I love. The Church supports me. I am content. I need nothing.” “There must be something you would like,” said God. “Well, there is one thing.” “Name it,” said God. She frowned. “It’s those blonde jokes. They’re so demeaning, not just to me but to blondes everywhere. Can you stop them?” “Consider it done,” said God. “Blonde jokes are hereby stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But isn’t there something I could do just for you?” “Well, there’s one thing. But it’s really small and not worth Your time,” she said. “Tell me, please!” said God. “It’s the M&M’s,” she said. “They’re so hard to peel!”

The Irish Golfer

An Irish golfer slices his tee shot into the woods. Looking for it, he finds it near a tiny man lying near a bush with this huge knot on his head. The golfer revives the leprechaun. When he awakes, he says, “I will grant you three wishes.” The man replies, “I want nothing from you. I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you.” and walks away. The leprechaun says, “He was a nice guy and, after all, he did catch me. I should do something nice for him. I’ll just give him the three most common wishes: unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.” A year later, the same golfer hits a great shot on the same hole on the same course, but decides to check out the woods anyway. Sure enough, there’s the same leprechaun. “How are you?” he asks. The leprechaun says, “I’m fine! How’s your golf game?” “It’s great! Every round I’m under par!” “I did that for you,” responds the leprechaun. “And how’s your financial condition?” “Amazing. Ever since I met you, every time I reach into my pocket, there’s money there.” “I did that for you, too!” responds the leprechaun. “So how’s your sex life?” Now the golfer looks at the ground. “Well, maybe once or twice a week.” The leprechaun is floored. “Once or twice a week?! That’s all?” “Well, that’s not too bad for a small town Catholic priest!”

It’s just a statue (joke)

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard the garage door open. “Hurry!” she cried. “Stand in the corner!” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move,” she whispered. “Pretend you’re a statue.” When her husband entered the bedroom, he asked, “What’s this, honey?” “Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths have one in their bedroom. I liked theirs so much, I got us one, too.” Nothing more was said, and they both went to sleep. About 2:00 AM, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned shortly with a sandwich and a glass of milk. “Here,” he said, giving the food to the statue, “you may as well eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody even offered me a glass of water!”

Immigrant Style joke

An illegal immigrant picked up a hooker. “How much you charge?” “$100.” “You do it ‘Immigrant Style’?” “No.” “I pay $200 for Immigrant Style.” “No,” she said, not knowing what Immigrant Style was. “I pay $300.” “No.” “$400.” “No.” He worked his way up to $1,000 and she thought, “I’ve done it every other way possible; how bad could Immigrant Style be?” “Okay,” she agreed. They did it in every way and in every position for hours. When they were finally finished, the exhausted hooker said, “I was expecting something perverted or disgusting but that was fun! So what exactly is Immigrant Style?” The illegal immigrant replied, “Simple: You send bill to government!”

Little Johnny and the Mountain Bike (joke)

Father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new mountain bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike, son? It must have cost $500,” he asked. Little Johnny replied, “I earned it hiking, Dad.” “Come on, John,” the father said. “Tell the truth.” “That is the truth, Dad!” Johnny replied. “Every night while you were gone, Mom’s boss came come over to work late with Mom. He’d give me a twenty and tell me to take a hike!”