Whatcha Doin’? (joke)

Little Johnny woke up late one night and heard some loud noises coming from his parents’ bedroom. But by the time he got to their room, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light was on. Little Johnny looked in the bathroom and saw his father removing a condom. “Daddy, whatcha doin’?” asked Little Johnny. His startled father tried to think of something to say and all he could come up with was, “Uh, I’m just checking the bathroom for mice.” Little Johnny looked confused. “What are you gonna do, screw ’em?!”

The morning ritual (joke)

An otherwise happily married couple’s only friction was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. He was loud enough to wake his wife, make her eyes water, and gasp for air. She begged him every morning to stop, but he said he couldn’t and it was natural. “You should see a doctor, then, because someday you’re going to blow your guts out.” Then, one Thanksgiving morning when she arose early to prepare the turkey while he slept in, the turkey innards, neck, gizzard, liver and spare parts gave her a malicious idea. She carried that mess upstairs, gently pulled back the covers, stretched out the elastic waistband of his boxers, emptied the entire bowl inside, and sneaked back downstairs. She later heard him awaken with his usual trumpeting, but this time it was followed by a bloodcurdling scream. She laughed so hard she cried! “That ought to make up for my years of torture!” she thought. Twenty minutes later her husband entered the kitchen with a look of horror on his face, still wearing his stained underwear. She had to bite her lip as she asked, “Honey, what’s wrong?” He said, “I should have listened to you. All these years you’ve warned me.” “About what?” “You always said that someday I’d end up farting my guts out and this morning it finally happened. But, by the grace of God and some Vaseline, I think I got most of it back inside!”

My Lexus is ruined (joke)

A successful attorney parked his new Lexus in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened his door to get out, a truck whizzed by tore off the driver’s door completely. The furious lawyer grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. Within minutes, a policeman pulled up. “My brand new Lexus is ruined! It’ll never be the same!” The cop shook his head in disgust. “You lawyers are so materialistic!” he said. “You focus entire on possessions and ignore life itself.” “Oh, yeah?” asked the lawyer. “What makes you say that?” The cop replied, “Good God, man. Do you even realize that your left arm got ripped off along with your door?” The lawyer looked down and saw what the cop said was true. He screamed, “My new Rolex!”

The Greatest Day (joke)

As the groom entered the church, the best man noticed he had the biggest, brightest smile on his face. “Boy, you sure look happy to be getting married.” The groom replied, “Buddy, that’s because I just got the best blow job of my life and I’m here to marry the woman who gave it to me!” In another part of the church, the maid of honor told the bride, “You look happier than I’ve ever seen you.” The bride replied, “Honey, that’s because I just gave my last blow job!”

Norwegian Job Interview (joke)

A construction site foreman was interviewing applicants when in came a Norwegian. “I’m not hiring any Norwegians,” thought the foreman, so he made up a little test he was sure the applicant couldn’t pass. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” “Without numbers?” asked the Norwegian. “Dat’s easy!” and he drew three trees. “What’s this?” asked the foreman. “‘Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine!” “Hmm. Fair enough, I guess. Okay, here’s the second question: Without using numbers, represent the number 99.” The Norwegian thought a moment, then made a smudge on each of the trees. “‘Ere you go.” The boss scratched his head. “How on Earth is that supposed to be 99?” “Each tree is dirty, so that’s dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree, which makes 99!” The foreman’s got to come up with some way to stump this Norwegian, so he tried, “All right, same rules, but represent the number 100.” The Norwegian quickly grabbed his pencil, made a little mark at the base of each tree, and said, “Ere you go. A hundred!” The foreman looked dumbfounded. “How in the hell is that a hundred?” The Norwegian pointed to the marks at the base of each tree. “A little doggie just crapped by each tree, so that’s dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turf, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred. Ven do you wan’ me ta start?!”

The Polish Divorce (joke)

After only a year in Canada, a Polish man got married to a nice Canadian girl. They got along quite well until the day he rushed into his lawyer’s office and begged him to arrange a quick divorce. The lawyer said, “What are the circumstances? Have you any grounds?” And the Polish immigrant replied, “Ja, ja, ve’ve got an acre and a half with a nice little house.” “No, I mean, what is the foundation of your case?” “It’s made of concrete.” “Does either of you have a grudge?” “No, but we have a big carport.” “I mean, what are your relations like?” “All my relations are in Poland.” “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, we have high fidelity stereo and a CD player.” “No, I mean, does your wife beat you up? “No, I get up before her.” “Is your wife a nagger?” “What? No, she’s white.” “Why do you want this divorce anyway?” “She’s gonna kill me. She’s going to poison me.” “Really? What makes you think so?” “I’ve got proof.” “What kind of proof?” “She brought home a bottle from the drug store that says, ‘Polish Remover!'”

Road Rage (joke)

A stressed-out woman driving an SUV was tailgating a man driving a small car down a busy street. When the man stopped at a yellow light, the woman went berserk, screamed, honked her horn, and flipped off the poor guy — all because she didn’t get to race through the yellow light behind him. As she cursed away, there was a tap on her window and she turned to see a very serious police officer. He ordered her to exit the car with her hands up, hauled her off to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and locked in a cell. After several hours, she was taken back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He explained, “I’m sorry for the mistake, lady, but when I pulled up behind you and you were blowing your horn, giving the finger, and cussing up a blue streak. Then I noticed your ‘Choose Life’ license plate frame, your ‘What Would Jesus Do?” bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ sign in your rear window, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on your trunk and I naturally assumed the car was stolen!”

A Man is Buying A Banana

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”

The man answers: “Wow, how did you know?”

Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”

Hypnotism Works (joke)

If only hypnotism worked like this on everything!

A woman told her husband, “I finally got rid of those headaches that have killed me all these years. I saw a hypnotist today and he told me to stand before a mirror and repeat to myself, ‘I do not have a headache’ three times. It worked! My headache is gone.” Her husband replied, “That’s wonderful. Maybe he could help my libido.” The next day he went to the hypnotist. When he got home, he ripped off his clothes, picked up his wife, carried her to their bedroom, put her on the bed, and said, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back.” He spent a few minutes in the bathroom, returned, and made passionate love like he hadn’t in years! His wife said, “That was wonderful! Want to go again?” He said, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back” and headed to the bathroom. Curious, this time she followed him. She found him standing before the mirror saying, “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife! She’s…”

Thirty Years of Deposits

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new
Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
Lovemaking encounter. In
His highly aroused state, her husband readily
Agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more
Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to
Afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find
Her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer
Was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had
Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he’d be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He’d been earning, and
Therefore, they
Were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty
Years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she
Showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that
For the more than
Three decades she had “charged” him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied
And these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3
Million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but
Finally he found his voice and blurted out, “If
I’d had any idea what you
Were doing, I would have given you all my
Business!”

That’s when she shot him.

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