A young gay man’s friends intervened to help his problem drinking. He got involved with AA and after much struggle was clean and sober for a year. To celebrate, he held a small dinner party for his friends who were quite proud of him. He swore then and there to use the same techniques to stop smoking. A year later, he held another party to celebrate being tobacco free. Again, his friends were amazed at his good health. A year later, he hosted another party to announce, “I’m no longer gay.” All his friends, both gay and straight, were amazed. “How have you managed to change your life so drastically? ” “Did you use the same techniques you did when you stopped drinking and smoking?” “Was it a change of lifestyle?” “Was it religious?” He quieted them all and said, “Oh, nothing so drastic. It’s just that, after I quit smoking, everything tasted different!”
The colonel had one First Lieutenant slot available, but three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. He called the first candidate into his office and said, “If I told you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Headquarters by 1700, what would you do?” The Lieutenant thought a moment and then responded, “Sir! I would get a shovel, head for HQ, and start digging!” “You’re not ready to be promoted,” said the Colonel. He then asked the next candidate the same question. “Sir! I would fill out a CE work order, make provisions for appropriate environmental studies, and…” “You are definitely not ready to be promoted,” said the Colonel. He asked the final candidate, who immediately responded, “Sir, I would call the First Sergeant, and say, ‘Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1600!” The Colonel barked, “You’re ready to be promoted!”
A blonde walks into the local garage and asked for a “seven-hundred-ten”.
They all looked at each other perplexed.
Another customer asked, “What is a ‘seven-hundred-ten’?”
She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.” She said that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
Still perplexed, he then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked “is there a ‘710’ on this car?”
She pointed and said, “Of course, it’s right there.
Have you ever been tortured by phone tech support?
Can you find the power switch for your computer?
Would you miss your own wedding if you had an online addiction?
Shouldn’t all computers come equipped with an airbag?
Look at her inventive computer desk!? Maybe she’s spent a little too much time on the laundry-computer room
What happens when you send a message in a bottle on a deserted island?? Spam in a bottle of course!
“Doc, you gotta check out my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear to my thigh; you’ll hear it.” The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh and heard, “Gimme a hundred bucks. I need a hundred bucks.” “Why, I’ve never heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?” said the doctor. “About a week. But there’s more, Doc. Put your ear to my knee.” The doctor placed his ear to the man’s knee and heard, “Gimme fifty bucks. Come on, lend me fifty bucks!” The doctor was dumbfounded. “I don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never encountered anything like this before.” “Wait, Doc, there’s more. Put your ear to my ankle.” The doctor did and heard, “Please, gimme a twenty. All I’m askin’ is a measy twenty bucks!” The doctor shook his head. “I have no medical diagnosis for you,” he said. “But I can tell you this: your leg is broke in at least three places!”