It’s all controlled by horse’s Asses!

railroad tracks

Railroad tracks.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

wagon

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

wheel ruts

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

roman chariot

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder ‘What horse’s ass came up with this?’ , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses’ asses.)

horses asses

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah

space shuttle

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

tunnel

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass. And you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important? Ancient horse’s asses control almost everything… and CURRENT Horses Asses in Washington are controlling everything else!

Life or death (joke)

A police officer stopped a man for speeding. “Good afternoon, sir. Do you know you were speeding?” “Yes, officer, I know I was speeding, but this is a matter of life or death.” “Oh, really? How’s that?” “There’s a naked woman waiting for me at home.” “I don’t see how that’s a matter of life or death…” “Because if I don’t get home before my wife does, she’s gonna kill me!”

Sister Mary (joke)

Sister Mary burst into the principal’s office and cried, “Father, just wait until you hear this!” “Calm down, Sister Mary. Now tell me what has you so excited?” “Well, Father, I was on my way to chapel when I heard some of the older boys wagering!” “A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest. “But that’s not what made me so excited, Father. It was what they were wagering on! They were betting to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!” “Incredible! ” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?” She said, “Father, I hit the ceiling!” He mused, “So how much did you win?”

Spicing up the Sex Life (joke)

An engaged woman, a mistress, and a married woman were chatting about their relationships and decided to surprise their men with a little sex play. That night each wore a black leather S&M bodice, stiletto heels, and a mask. The next day, they met for coffee to exchange stories. The engaged woman said, “My boyfriend came home, found me in my leather and said, ‘You’re the woman of my dreams. I love you!’ and then we made love until dawn!” The mistress said, “Oh, yes! I met him in his office after work with just a raincoat on over my outfit. When I opened that raincoat, he didn’t say a word. We just made wild passionate love all over his office, all night long.” The married woman said, “I sent the kids to Mom’s for the night, got myself ready, but when my husband got home from work, he just grabbed a beer and the remote control, and then said, ‘Hey Batman! What’s for dinner?!’ “

Golf Ransom (joke)

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door: “Bring $50,000 to the 18th hole of your country club tomorrow by high noon if you ever want to see your wife alive again.” But it was well after 1:00 PM before he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man summoned him over behind a bush and demanded, “You’re an hour late! What took you so long?” “Give me a break!” said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. “I’m a 26 handicap!”

The Man at the Zoo (joke)

A man, visiting the zoo, was standing before the gorilla cage when a gust of wind blew some dust in his eye. He pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle and the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars of his cage, and beat the guy senseless. When he came to, the zookeeper asked him what happened. He explained and the zookeeper said, “I’m not surprised. You see, in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means “F*¬Ęk you.” The man vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. He hurried to the zoo, hid the sausage in his pants, and then went to the gorilla’s cage. He tossed one party hat, one horn, and one knife into the cage. Knowing that apes are natural mimics, he put on his party hat. The gorilla saw him, looked at his hat, and put it on. Then he picked up his horn and blew it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage from his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked down at his knife, looked at his crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid!

Little Johnny and the Whorehouse

Little Johnny heard the word “whorehouse” during recess and later asked his father what it meant. Dad was shocked. “Well, uh, John, that’s a place where men go to, uh, to have a good time.” Johnny replied, “I wanna go there. I wanna go there.” Dad insisted that Johnny was too young. But on Saturday night, when Johnny’s dad and some of his friends headed to Mable’s for “a good time,” Little Johnny secretly followed them. Once Dad and his buddies had been inside a while, Little Johnny knocked on Mable’s front door. She opened the door and was surprised to see an eight-year-old standing there. “Yes?” she asked. Little Johnny said, “I’m here for a good time!” Since Mabel had a heart of gold (of course!), she invited him inside, gave him three donuts, and then sent him on his way home. Johnny took his time going home and arrived home well after his Dad. “Johnny, where have you been? It’s late!” “I went to Mabel’s whorehouse, Daddy!” Dad blanched. “You did? Umm, how was it?” Johnny bragged, “Well, I managed the first two with no problem, but I just licked the third one!”

It happenned to my sister (joke)

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin , there’s a better one. At McDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!” The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn , there’s this place,
Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.” Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place called Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your
third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” replies the Polish guy, “but it happened to my sister!”

The Tea Party (joke)

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of “tea” (really just plain water). He praised her good “cooking,” so she brought him more. After several cups of “tea,” and much praise, Mom came home. “Honey, watch this,” said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea. “Isn’t she just the cutest?” Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of “tea” before asking, “Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!”

Courting on the Farm (joke)

Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch. One evening, as they sat on Bill’s porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prize bull humping one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel. He leaned over and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to do what that bull is doing.” Mabel whispered back, “Go ahead. She’s your cow!”

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