A married woman had a dog that snored even louder than her husband. She asked the vet for help and he suggested she tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles. “Yeah, right!” she thought. But that night, a few minutes after going to bed, the dog started snoring again. She tossed and turned until finally she went to the closet, found a piece of red ribbon, and, as soon as she got it around the dog’s testicles, the dog stopped snoring! She was amazed! But, before she could get to sleep, her husband rolled over and began to snore even louder than that dog! She tossed and turned until finally she had an idea. She went back to the closet, found a piece of blue ribbon, and, as soon as she got it around her husband’s testicles, he stopped snoring too! For once, she slept soundly, the whole night. In the morning, her husband awakened first and headed for the toilet but stopped when he saw himself in the mirror with a blue ribbon attached to his privates. Confused, he headed back to bed, but then he saw the red ribbon around his dog’s privates. He shook his head and said, “Well, boy, I don’t remember where we went last night or what we did, but, by God, we came in first and second!”
The Power of the Badge
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay , but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? ”
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull…… With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..
” Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! ”
The baby at the doctor (joke)
A woman held a young baby in the doctor’s examination room. When the doctor arrived, he examined the baby, weighed it, and found it slightly below normal. “Is this baby breast-fed or bottle-fed,” he asked. “Breast fed,” she replied. “Strip down to your waist,” he ordered. She did. He pressed, felt and cupped both breasts thoroughly, then told her to get dressed. “It’s no wonder this child is underweight. You don’t have any milk.” “I know,” replied the woman. “Actually, I’m his grandmother, but I’m sure glad I brought him!”
The celebration (joke)
A farmer dropped by the local tavern, ordered a cold one and said, “This is a special day. I’m celebrating.” “What a coincidence,” said the woman on the next stool. “I’m celebrating, too.” “What are you celebrating?” she asked, clinking glasses with him. “I’ve been raising chickens, but my hens were all infertile,” he replied, “but today they’re finally fertile.” “What a coincidence,” said the woman. “My husband and I have been trying to have a child for a long time with no luck. But today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant! So what did you do to help your chickens become fertile?” “I switched cocks,” he replied. She smiled. “Small world, isn’t it?”
What a pretty dress (joke)
Every Sunday, during the children’s sermon, all the children attending church were invited to come forward. One morning, as they sat down, the pastor remarked to one little girl, “What a pretty dress! Is it new?” The little girl replied directly into the pastor’s microphone, “Yes, and Mommy says it’s a bitch to iron!”
The Special Agent, the Admin, and the Office Manager (joke)
A special agent, an administrative specialist and an office manager were walking to lunch when they found an antique lamp. They rubbed it and of course a magic genie appeared in a puff of smoke. “Since I always grant three wishes, you each may have one.” “Me, first! Me, first!” cried the administrative specialist. “I want to drive a speedboat in the Bahamas without a care in the world!” And poof! she was gone. “Me, next! Me, next!” cried the special agent. “I want to relax on the beach in Hawaii with a personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” And poof! she was gone. Finally it was the manager’s turn. The manager said, “I want those two assholes back in the office after lunch!” The moral of the story? Always let your boss have the first say!
A man in the pharmacy (joke)
A man asked the pharmacist for a vial of cyanide. “What for?” asked the pharmacist. “I want to poison my wife.” “Sir, I can’t sell you cyanide for that!” The man reached into his wallet, pulled out a photograph of his wife, and laid it on the counter. The pharmacist gasped, recovered, and politely remarked, “Uh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t realize you had a prescription!”
The Blonde and the Travel Agency (joke)
A blonde walking by a travel agency notices a sign in the window, “Cruise Special — $99!” She goes inside, hands the agent her money, and says, “I’d like the $99 cruise special, please.” The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, pushes her in and leaves her, floating downstream. A few minutes later another blonde passes by, sees the sign, goes inside, and pays for the $99 cruise special. She receives the same treatment. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. As they float along, side-by-side, the first blonde asks, “Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?” The other replies, “They didn’t last year!”
Little Johnny and Heaven (joke)
The Sunday School teacher asked her class, “Which part of the body gets to heaven first?” Little Suzi quickly raised her hand. “I think it’s your mind, teacher, because you have to have a mind to believe in God.” “Very good, Suzi.” Little Cathy’s hand went up. “I think it’s your heart, teacher, because God is all about love.” “Very good, Cathy.” Little Johnnie’s hand shot up. She thought, “Oh, no,” but called on him anyway. Little Johnnie said, “I think it’s your feet.” The teacher breathed a sigh of relief. “Why do you think people’s feet get to Heaven first, Johnny?” she asked. “Because last night, when I sneaked past my parents’ bedroom, my mom had her feet way up in the air and she was yelling, ‘Oh, God! I’m coming!'”
Teacup with Shadow Boobs pics
Well, isn’t this convenient? A teacup with a shadow of boobs. Could it be a better day?
