Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, “I can cure this.” That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.? Then he says, “This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
The guy then asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?”? The medicine man replies: “All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned — it will not work again for another year!”
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, “123.” He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life…. just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, “What did you say 123 for?”
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.’You ok?’ she says.
‘Yes.’ he says.
‘You can go and play with the other kids you know.’ she says.
‘It’s best I stay here.’ he says.
‘Why?’ says the blonde.
The boy says: ‘Because, I’m the frigging goalie’
An Amish father and son were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that moved? apart and slid back together again.
The boy asked “What is this father?” The father never having seen an elevator responded, “Son, I
have never seen anything like this in my life.
While they were watching in amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch and the numbers began to light in reverse order. Finally the walls opened up and a gorgeous? young blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son…”Go get your mother”.
Two young boys decided it was about time that they started cursing. The five-year-old instructed, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m going to say ‘hell’ and you say ‘ass.’ Okay?” His four-year-old brother replied, “Okay!” When
Mom asked them what they wanted for breakfast, the elder boy said, “Aw, hell, Mom. I’ll have Cheerios.” WHACK! She smacked him out of his chair and across the floor. He ran upstairs crying with Mom in hot pursuit. She locked him in his
room and shouted through the door, “And you stay in there until I let you out!”? She then went back downstairs and asked the younger boy, “And what do you want for breakfast? “I don’t know,” he blubbered, “but you can bet your sweet ass it
ain’t gonna be Cheerios!
Two young men stood before a judge, due to be sentenced for smoking dope. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men and I’d rather give you a second chance than jail time. I want you to go out and show others the evils of drug use and talk them into giving up drugs forever. Be back here on Monday.” Next Monday, the judge asked the first guy, “How did it go?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs.” “17 people? That’s pretty good. How did you do it?” “I drew a simple diagram with a big circle and a small circle and I told them, ‘This big circle is your brain before drugs. This small circle is your brain after drugs.'” “Admirable,” said the judge, then turned to the second guy. “And how did you do?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs.” “156! That’s amazing! How did you do it?” “I used a similar approach. I drew a small circle and a big circle and I told them, ‘This small circle is your a**hole before prison…'”
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz lost $500 on a single hand, clutched his chest and dropped dead, still sitting at the table. Finkelstein looks around and asked, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?” They drew straws and Goldberg lost. “Be discreet, Goldberg,” they said. “Don’t make a bad situation worse.” “Discreet?” he replied. “Discretion is my middle name.” Goldberg went to Meyerwitz’s apartment and knocked on the door. The wife answered the door and asked, “What are you doing here, Goldberg?” Goldberg said, “Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.” “Tell him to drop dead!” said the wife. “Okay. I’ll go do that!” said Goldberg.
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M’s, sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people celebrating the fact that the year 2000 was “MM” in Roman numerals, when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is not that surprising as everyone knows there’s no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken; that’s why the government made them change their name to KFC). Anyway, my friend woke up one morning and found himself in his bathtub, which was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that his kidney had been stolen. A note on his mirror said “Call 911!” but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled “Join the crew!” He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It must be true because I read all about it last week in a mass e-mail from Bill Gates himself, who also promised me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would only forward his e-mail to everyone I know.) He tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but the voice on the line asked him to press #90, which gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the unwitting guy’s expense. Then, reaching into the coin-return slot, he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that read, “Welcome to the world of AIDS.” Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital where that little boy dying of cancer is, you know, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. (I sent him two e-mails; one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel which I forwarded to lots of people because if you forward it to more than ten people you’ll have really good luck, but if you forward it to less than ten people you will have bad luck for seven years.) On the way to the hospital he noticed a car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. In conclusion, be sure to send this email to all your friends and you’ll receive four green M&Ms, but if you don’t, the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mail, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends, you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, and your spouse will develop a skin rash from the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms. I know all this is true; I read it on the Internet.
The nursery school teacher held up a picture and asked, “What’s this?” “A horsey!” one child answered. “And this?” “A piggy!” “And now this?” asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was total silence. “Come now, children,” she coaxed, “I’ll give you a little hint: What does Mommy call Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?” “I know! I know!!” exclaimed one little girl. “It’s a horny bastard!”
A confused nine-year-old asks his mother, “Is God male or female?” After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, “God is both male and female.” This confuses the little boy, so he asks, “Is God black or white?” She responds along the same line, “God is both black and white.” This further confuses the boy so he asks, “Is God gay or straight?” The mother becomes concerned, but answers nonetheless, “Honey, God is both gay and straight.” Finally the boy’s face beams with understanding and he shouts, “So God is Michael Jackson!”
A woman went to the newspaper to publish an obituary for her recently deceased husband. The editor informed her the charge was 50 cents per word. She paused and then said, “How about, ‘William MacKinney died’?” Amused by the woman’s thrift, the editor told her that there was a seven-word minimum. She paused again and then said, “Okay, how about ‘William MacKinney died. Golf clubs for sale’?”