An Australian bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The barman regards the newcomers with skepticism, but asks, “What’ll it be???? The bloke says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The ostrich says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The cat says, “I’ll have a pint, but I ain’t payin’!??? The barman serves their pints. “That’ll be three pounds forty, please.??? The man reaches into his pocket, wriggles his hand around, and, to the barman’s great surprise, pulls out exactly three-forty. The next night the man, the ostrich, and the cat enter the same bar. The bloke says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The ostrich says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The cat says, “I’ll have a pint, but I ain’t payin’!??? The barman serves their pints. “That’ll be three pounds forty, please.??? Again, the bloke pulls the exact amount out of his pocket. On the third night, the trio comes in near closing. “The same???? asks the barman. “Nah, it’s getting’ late,??? says the bloke. “I’ll have a double scotch.??? The ostrich says, “I’ll have a double scotch.??? The cat says, “I’ll have a double scotch too… but I ain’t payin’!??? The barman serves the drinks and says, “That’ll be seven pounds twenty, please.??? And once again, the man pulls out the exact change from his pocket. As the barman is closing up, he can contain his curiosity no longer and asks, “Hey, Mack, there’s something I’ve got to know: how in the hell do you always pull the exact change out of your pocket???? “Well,??? says the man, “A few years ago when I was cleaning my attic, I found this old lamp. I rubbed it and, sure enough, a genie appeared and offered me three wishes.??? “Oh, yeah???? asks the now-skeptical barkeep. “What did you wish for???? “My first wish was ‘If I ever need to pay for anything, I want to just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there.’??? “That’s brilliant,??? says the barman. “Most people’d ask for a pile of money, but your way means you’ll ‘ave all you need for as long as you live!??? “Right. So whether it’s a pint or a Rolls Royce, I’ve always got exact change.??? The barman pauses and then says softly, “One more thing, mate. What’s the deal with your friends there? We don’t get many cats or ostriches drinkin’ in ‘ere…??? The man looks glum. “Yeah, I know. That’s probably the worst thing I did, getting stuck with them forever! You see, my other two wishes were for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.???
How Dumb Is She?
A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing their wives. The Canadian says, “My wife must be the dumbest woman in the world. She bought $900 worth of meat at a supermarket sale, and we don’t even have a freezer!??? The Scotsman says, “That’s nothing! My wife bought a new car, and she can’t even drive!??? Not to be out-done, the Aussie says, “My wife is even dumber. Last week she left on her two-week holiday and she packed 20 condoms! And she don’t even have a penis!???
The Tenth Husband
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.??? “What???? said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times???? “Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was…God I miss him! …But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!??? “Good,??? said the lawyer, “but, why???? “Duh; you’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!???
The Geography of a Woman
The Geography of a Woman
From age 13-18, a woman is like Africa: virgin and unexplored.
From age 18-30, she is like Asia: wild and exotic.
From age 30-45, she is like North America: fully developed and free with her resources.
From age 45-60, she is like Europe: well-explored, nearly worn out, but still has points of interest.
From age 60 on, she is like Australia: everybody knows it’s down there, but, nobody really cares.
At the Auction
A farmer and his wife were at livestock auction. The auctioneer announced the first bull had reproduced 60 times last year. The wife leans over to her husband and says, “Wow. That’s 5 times a month!??? When it was sold, the auctioneer announced the second bull had reproduced 120 times last year. The wife leans over to her husband and says, “Wow. That’s 10 times a month!??? When it was sold, the auctioneer announced the third bull had reproduced 365 times last year!??? The wife again leans over to her husband and gloats, “Wow. That’s once a day, every single day of the year! What’s wrong with you, honey???? Finally the irritated husband had had enough. “Nothin’. Once a day is fine! But why don’t you go ask that auctioneer if every day that bull had to do it with the same old cow!???
The New Cow
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow, with a wonderful disposition, and it gave lots of milk and cream. Everybody loved it dearly. So the people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, so they would never have to worry about milk again. They brought a bull to the cow’s pasture. But when the bull tried to mount the cow from the right, the cow moved to the left. And when the bull tried to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on and on. Finally, in desperation, the people asked the Rabbi what to do. “Rabbi, all day we’ve tried to mate our cow. But when the bull tried to mount the cow from the right, the cow moved to the left. And when the bull tried to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. What do we do???? The Rabbi asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk???? “Rabbi! You are so wise! How did you know we got the cow from Minsk???? Sadly, the Rabbi said, “My wife is from Minsk….???
An American Tourist in Spain
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant for dinner. While sipping a glass of wine, he noticed a sizzling platter being delivered to the next table. It not only looked good, it smelled wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that dish???? The waiter smiled. “Ah, señor, you have excellent taste! Those are from the morning bullfight. After the matador kills the bull, his testicles are removed and brought to our restaurant. Ah, such a delicacy!??? The American was momentarily daunted by the origin of the dish, but decided, what the hell? I’m on vacation! “Bring me an order!??? The waiter frowned. “I am so sorry, señor. But since there is but one bullfight each day, there is but one serving each day. But you could place your order now for tomorrow and I would be pleased to serve you this specialty!??? He placed his order and impatiently waited 24 hours. The next evening he returned to the same restaurant and the same waiter proudly served him the one and only order of the delicacy of the day. After a few delicious bites, he called the waiter over to his table. “These are surely delicious, but they seem so much smaller than yesterday’s serving???? The waiter replied, “Si, señor! Not everyday does the bull lose!???’
Sexual Morality Lecture
The Dean of Women at the exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. “We live today in very difficult times for young people,??? she droned. “In moments of temptation, you must ask yourself one question: Is a lifetime of shame worth an hour of pleasure???? From the back of the room came a quiet voice. “How do you make it last an hour????
Drinking in a Hurry
A man rushes into a bar, orders six shots of whiskey and downs them just as fast as the bartender can pour them. “Drinking kinda fast, ain’tcha, buddy???? the bartender asks as he pours number seven. “Humph,??? snorts the man. “You’d drink fast, too, if you had what I have!??? “Oh? What do you have???? asks the bartender. The man stands up before replying, “About twenty-eight cents!???
Confession
A man was in confession. He told the priest, “I almost had an affair with a woman.??? “What do you mean, ‘almost?’??? “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together a little, but then I stopped.??? The priest replied, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. Don’t go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.??? The man left the confessional, went over, said his prayers, then stopped near the poor box for a moment before leaving. The priest just happened to notice his actions. “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!??? The man replied, “Well, that’s true, Father, I didn’t. But I rubbed the money against it and you said that was the same as putting it in!???