Jokes, Political Jokes

Career Choice

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An old southern country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the son was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:

– a Bible,
– a silver dollar,
– a bottle of whisky and
– a Playboy magazine

“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself, “when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up. If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too

But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s gonna be a skirt-chasin’ bum.”

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.? With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the
bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s Centerfold.

“Lord have mercy,” the old preacher disgustedly whispered, “he’s gonna be a Congressman!”

Blonde Jokes, Jokes

Exotic Pet

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A lovely and very sexy blonde goes into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says, “Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions. The blond excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter. “I’ll take one.” As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, “Just follow the instructions.” The blond? nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Put some nice satin sheets on your bed.
2. Take a nice warm bubble bath.
3. Splash on some nice perfume.
4. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
5. Light a pair of candles by the bed.
6. Put on a CD with some very soft classical music playing quietly in the background.
7. Slip into bed and place the frog beside you. The frog will do what he has been trained to do.

She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise….nothing happens. The blond is very disappointed and quite upset at this point, she re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store and speak to the man that sold the frog to you” So the blonde calls the pet shop.

The man says, “I’ll be right over.” Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blond welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there.” The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and says very sternly, “Look, I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!

Friend Jokes, Jokes

What Can I do?

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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do????

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.??? There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Jokes

Tip of the Finger

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A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the
Tip of her index finger shot off.
“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor, “You tried to commit suicide by
Shooting off your finger?”
“No, Silly, “the blonde said, “First I put the gun to my chest, and
Then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I’m not
Shooting myself in the chest.”
“So then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, “I just paid
$3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened . I’m not shooting myself in the
Mouth.”
“So then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: “This is going to
Make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
Trigger.

Jokes, Old Man Jokes

The Jewelry Store

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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.? He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.? The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.? “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000” the jeweler said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.? The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “by check.? I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring
up Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man, “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about my weekend!

Ethnic Jokes, Irish Jokes

Water to Wine

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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.? He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord!? ? He’s done it again!”

Ethnic Jokes, Irish Jokes, Jokes

I’ve lost me luggage

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An Irishman arrived at J.F.K.? Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.? An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

“No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!”

“How’d that happen?”

“The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

Funny Jokes, Husband Jokes, Jokes, Wife Jokes

Do You Have a Vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there

He asks the lady,

‘Do you have a vagina?’

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,

‘Do you have a vagina?’

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,

‘Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.’

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,

‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.’

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;

‘Do you have vagina’?

‘Yes, actually I have one,’ she says.

The man replies..

‘Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’

Funny Jokes, funny videos, Jokes

Funniest Beer Video Ever

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I’ve seen a lot of beer commercial videos over the years, and none were really quite as funny as this one! I hope you enjoy it as much as I have, it puts a new spin on the term “tongue in cheek”! Lol, or LMAO really…

Funny Jokes, Jokes, Southern Jokes

The Old Hillbilly (joke)

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An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag – it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”