A woman was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!
Why WALMART???
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
A Modern Fairy Tale
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but she can’t. Fairy Godmother offers to help, but Cindy says, “Thanks, F. G., but I got squat to wear!” So Fairy Godmother drapes a tablecloth over Cinderella, waves her magic wand, and Poof! The tablecloth becomes a real hot black leather mini-dress. Cinderella says, “That’s cool, but my hair’s a mess!” So Fairy Godmother winds some twigs into Cinderella’s hair, waves the wand, and Poof! ‘Rella’s got a killer ‘do, long and wild looking. “Thanks, G-Mom, but what if I meet a guy? I got no protection!” So Fairy Godmother inserts a tiny pumpkin into ‘Rella’s appropriate place, waves her wand, and Poof! The pumpkin turns into an IUD. “Bitchin’! I’m ready!” Fairy Godmother says, “Remember, Cinderella: you must be home by midnight.” Cinderella says, “No sweat, Fair!” and heads to the party. Midnight comes, but no Cinderella. The clock strikes one, still no Cinderella. Finally, about three-thirty Cinderella comes straggling in, the ratty tablecloth over her shoulders and her hair full of twigs. Her Fairy Godmother chastises her. “Dammit, Cinderella! Just look at you! I told you to be home by midnight! What happened?” Cinderella replies, “I met this guy, Peter… Peter… something…”
Only 4 Chutes (joke)
One night, a small commuter jet was headed from Seattle to Vancouver with just four passengers: Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, the Dalai Lama, and a college student. Suddenly, there was an explosion and the plane filled with smoke. The cockpit door opened, the pilot hurried through the compartment, saying, “bad news. We’re going to crash and there are only four parachutes.” With that, he grabbed a parachute, threw open the door and leaped from the plane. Michael Jordan jumped to his feet. “Gentlemen,” he announced, “I’m the world’s greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. Therefore, I’m taking one of the parachutes!” With that, he grabbed a parachute and hurtled out the door. Bill Gates rose and said, “Gentlemen, I am the world’s smartest man. The world needs smart men. Therefore, I’m taking one of the parachutes, too!” With that, HE grabbed one and jumped. The Dalai Lama looked at the college student. “My son,” he said, “I have lived a long and satisfying life. I have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your whole life before you. You take a parachute. I will go down with the plane.” The college student just smiled, “Not necessary, man. The world’s smartest man just left wearing my backpack!”
Irish Joke
A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.
Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent between the legs o’ me wife.”
When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. “I won the contest for the best toast of the night,” he replied.
She then asked what his toast was. He said, “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent in church with me wife.” “How sweet of you to include me in your toast,” his wife replied.
While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.
“Mornin’ Mrs. Murphy,” he said. “That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize.”
“Well, I’m afraid he wasn’t quite honest with the facts,” Mrs. Murphy replied. “He’s only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Waiting on a Friend
Chris went over to his friend’s house and rang the bell. “Hi, Nora. Is Tony home?” “No, he’s at the store.” “Well, do you mind if I wait?” “Of course not. Come in, Chris.” They sat down to kill a little time. Eventually Chris said, “Nora, I’ve always thought you have the best breasts I’ve ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks just to see one.” Nora considered this and figured, “what the hell; we could use a hundred bucks.” So she demurely opened her robe, exposing her left breast. Chris was impressed, thanked her and laid a hundred dollar bill on the table. They chatted a little more until Chris said, “That breast was so beautiful, now I’m just dying to see them both. I’ll give you another hundred bucks to see them both together.” Nora thought again and decided, “what the hell, he’s seen one…” so she dropped her robe, and gave Chris a nice long look. Again, he thanked her and tossed another hundred dollar bill on the table. “Well, I can’t wait any longer,” he said, standing. “Tell Tony I dropped by.” And he left. When Tony arrived home, Nora told him, “Your weird friend, Chris, stopped by.” Tony was surprised. “Oh, yeah? Did he drop off that 200 bucks he owes me?”
The Guessing Game (joke)
An elderly man and woman are sitting all alone in the rest home when the man says to the woman, “Bet you can’t guess my age.” The woman replies, “Bet I can.” “Bet you can’t.” “Bet I can and I’ll prove it. Unzip your fly.” The man shrugs, but unzips his fly. The woman reaches in, feels around a little, then pulls out her hand. “You’re 83,” she announces. “That’s amazing!” says the man. “How did you know?” “You told me yesterday!”
The Pumpkin Patch (joke)
There’s nothing quite like a good Halloween joke – is there?
Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Tuesday night.
On Wednesday, at the Gwinnett County courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, “You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around” he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged ‘need.’ “Guess I was really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said officer Taylor.
“I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.”
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
“I said, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?”
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said…
“A pumpkin? Shit…is it midnight already?”
T.G.I.F. (joke)
A blonde went to her friend’s house wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt. “Why are you wearing a ‘Thank God It’s Friday shirt?” asked her friend. “It’s only Wednesday!” “Oh, crap!” said the blonde. “I thought that meant ‘Tits Go In Front!’ “
The Blonde Fishing Trip
What was this guy thinking taking a blonde on a fishing trip?
A guy and his blonde girlfriend went on a fishing trip. Renting all the equipment (rods, reels, waders, boat, even a cabin in the woods), they spent a fortune. They fished every day and never caught a thing. Finally, on the last day there, he caught a fish. Driving home, he said to his girlfriend, “Do you realize that catching one lousy fish cost us two thousand dollars?” She replied, “Wow! Good thing we didn’t catch more!”
The Retirement Dinner (joke)
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was
chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that andI had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”…
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!