Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’
She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known [...]
SMARTASS ANSWER #7
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?” The clerk says, ‘What denomination?’ The blonde says, ‘God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
SMARTASS ANSWER [...]
A woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond necklace. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the necklace?” She replies, “Oh, I won it in a raffle at work. Would you get my bath ready while I start supper, please?” The next day, she arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. “Where did [...]
Two female teachers took their third, fourth and fifth graders on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about horses and the supporting industry. During the tour, when some children needed to use the toilet, they decided that one teacher would take the girls and the other teacher would take the boys. Waiting [...]
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. Obviously someone was home, but even after he knocked several times, no one came to the door. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20″ and stuck [...]
A man came into a bar, ordered a shot and a beer, chugged the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked in his shirt pocket. Then he ordered another beer and repeated the exercise all over again. This continued several times. Finally curiosity got the better of the bartender. “Excuse me, buddy; I [...]
Lil’ Johnny asked his father for help with a homework assignment, “Dad, what’s the difference between potential and reality?” His father thought a moment, then said, “How about a demonstration? Ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt [...]
A young married couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party, but the wife came down with a terrible headache. “Go ahead and go,” she told her spouse. “Have a good time.” He protested, but she insisted, so he took his costume and left while she took some aspirin and a nap. After an [...]
The kindergarten teacher said, “Good morning, class.” Her students chimed back, “Good morning, teacher.” “Class, you may not know it, but I’m a big Yankee fan. How many of you are Yankee fans, too?” Everyone in the class raised their hand except little Sally. The teacher asked, “Well, Sally. What are you?” Sally replied, “A [...]
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to [...]