All posts by topjokes

Testing the Monks (joke)

Twelve candidates, nearing completion of their studies, were led into the garden for their final exam before becoming a monk. Each stripped naked and tied a small bell to his penis. “Any man whose bell rings has not reached an adequate state of purity,” announced the abbot. A beautiful nude woman was brought out to dance before each of them in turn. She did her best to excite them, but the first candidate had no reaction, nor did the second, nor the third. But the final monk’s bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick it up… and all the other bells went off!

Pour me a drink (joke)

A man sits down on a bar stool and tells the bartender, “Pour me a drink before the trouble starts.” The bartender looks puzzled, but pours him a drink. The man chugs it and says, “Pour me another drink before the trouble starts.” The bartender does and the man downs it as quickly as the first. After a few more rounds, the bartender says, “Look, pal: you’ve had five drinks and all you talk about is ‘some trouble starting.’ Just when is this trouble supposed to start?” The man replies, “Just as soon as you discover I don’t have the money to pay you for these drinks!

Chicken Farmer (joke)

An accountant greeted his rather voluptuous new client and offered her a chair. “Let’s start with the basics. Occupation?” The woman replies, “Whore.” “Oh, no, madam,” said the accountant. “I can’t put that on your tax return.” “Okay. I’m a prostitute.” “No, try again.” “Okay. Call me a chicken farmer.” “Chicken farmer? How’s that?” “Well, last year I raised over 2,000 cocks!”

Early Retirement Bonus (military joke)

The Pentagon had too many Generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any General who would retire early his full annual benefits, plus (in some bureaucratic bungle) $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along his body, between two points he chose. General Jones accepted, asking them to measure him from the top of his head to the tip of his toes: 6 feet. He received a bonus of $720,000. General Paul asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to the tip of his toes: nearly 8 feet. He got a $950,000 bonus. But when they asked General Smith where to measure, he dropped his pants and said, “From the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles.” The attending physician placed the tape measure on the tip of General Smith’s penis and began to work back. “My God, man! Where are your testicles?” The General grinned. “Vietnam!”

Who was the greatest person joke

When Abraham Liebowitz got to school, he discovered that he was the only Jewish kid in the class. His teacher asked, “Who was the greatest person who ever lived and why?” And just to make it interesting, she held up a bill and said, “Whoever gives the best answer will win this twenty dollar bill.” Every kid called out their guesses. One said, “George Washington, because he was the father of our country.” Another said, “Abraham Lincoln, because he freed the slaves.” One little girl said, “Joan of Arc, because she saved France .” Then Abraham Liebowitz quietly raised his hand. The teacher said, “Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived and why?” Abraham said, “Jesus Christ.” His teacher was shocked. “Abraham, while I am surprised, you win the twenty!” and handed it to him. Later, she asked him why he answered as he did. Abraham said, “Personally, I think it was Moses, but business is business!”

The Origin of the Internet (joke)

This is the true story of how the Internet was invented and how it began.

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader called Abraham of Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called ‘Amazon Dot Com’.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, ‘Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?’ And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, ‘How, dear?’

And Dot replied, ‘I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).’ Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, ‘Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.’ And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or as it came to be known ‘eBay,’ he said, ‘We need a name that reflects what we are.’ And Dot replied, ‘Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.’ ‘YAHOO!’ Said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.

Tough Sobriety Test (joke)

A police officer pulled a car over for speeding. As the driver pulled out his license, the officer noticed several swords, machetes, and meat cleavers in the man’s backseat. “Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to exit your vehicle,” “Why, officer?” “Why do you have weapons in your backseat?” “Oh, I’m in the circus; those are just part of my act.” The officer stands back and then orders him to prove it. The juggler takes out three dull meat cleavers and begins juggling them behind his car. Just then an inebriated local, fresh from the neighborhood tavern, drove past. He grabbed his cell phone, phoned back to the tavern and asked for his best friend. “Bob, you’d better take the back roads home. The cops have a sobriety test set up out on the main road that nobody’s gonna pass!”

Where did Humans Come From (joke)?

This joke is pretty funny – who can resist taking a swipe at the old man at the expense of the kids!

Little Suzie asked her mother, “Where did humans come from?” Her mother answered, “Well, dear, God made Adam and Eve and they had children and all mankind descended from them.” Then she asked her father the same question. Her father answered, “Over millions of years, humans developed from apes.” The confused girl returned to her mother and told her what Daddy said. “Mom, how come you said we were created by God while Dad said we descended from monkeys?” Mother answered, “Simple, dear: I was talking about my family’s origins and your father was talking about his!”

The Penis that Died

One day, old Mr. Smith told his nurse that his penis had died. Knowing Mr. Smith was growing senile, she decided to play along. “It did? I am sorry to hear that.” The next day she saw Mr. Smith walking down the nursing home hallway with his penis hanging out of his pants. “Mr. Smith? I thought you told me that your penis had died?” “It did. Today’s the viewing!”