An elderly man and woman are sitting all alone in the rest home when the man says to the woman, “Bet you can’t guess my age.” The woman replies, “Bet I can.” “Bet you can’t.” “Bet I can and I’ll prove it. Unzip your fly.” The man shrugs, but unzips his fly. The woman reaches in, feels around a little, then pulls out her hand. “You’re 83,” she announces. “That’s amazing!” says the man. “How did you know?” “You told me yesterday!”
An old lady is wheeling her wheelchair up and down the halls of her nursing home, making sounds like sheâ€™s driving a car. As sheâ€™s rounds one corner, an old man jumps out of his room and says, â€œExcuse me, maâ€™am, but you were speeding. May I see your license, please?â€ She digs in her purse and pulls out a candy wrapper. He studies it, gives her a warning, and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes. Again, the same old man stops her. â€œExcuse me, maâ€™am, but you crossed the center line back there. May I see your registration, please?â€ She digs in her purse and pulls out a store receipt. He studies it, gives her another warning, and sends her on her way. Again she zooms off, up and down the halls. As she passes the old manâ€™s room for the third time, he jumps out, only this time heâ€™s buck-naked and has an erection! The lady looks up from her wheelchair and says, â€œOh, no. Not the Breathalyzer again!â€
A once great actor could no longer remember lines but an old director friend wanted to give him one more chance. “James, this part has only one line: You walk on stage carrying a rose, hold it to your nose with your finger and thumb, sniff it deeply, and say ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.’ ” James was thrilled. He practiced his line over and over again until finally, it was opening night. The curtain rose, James walked on stage and with great passion delivered his line perfectly and with great inflection: “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.” The theatre erupted with laughter. The director was steaming mad! “You bloody fool!” he cried. James was bewildered. “What happened? Did I mess up my line?” “No!” screamed the director. “You forgot the rose!”
It was time for the elderly man’s annual physical and, after a thorough examination, his doctor told him, “I have good news and bad news, which do you want first?” “Give me the bad news first, Doc.” “You have cancer, it’s inoperable, and you only have about two years to live.” “Oh, God! That’s awful! What could possibly be good news after that?” “You have Alzheimer’s, too. In a few minutes, you won’t remember a thing I’ve told you!”
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better… I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?”
The doctor replied, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver.? He raised his umbrella and went “bang, bang, bang”, and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?
The 90-year old said, “I’d say somebody else shot the beaver.”
The doctor said, “My point exactly.”
At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected ‘knock’ on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one.
All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Wally.
Again he is ready for more ‘action.’
Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it….. Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action.’
And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.’
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: …….’You mean I was here already?’