A man, visiting the zoo, was standing before the gorilla cage when a gust of wind blew some dust in his eye. He pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle and the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars of his cage, and beat the guy senseless. When he came to, the zookeeper asked him what happened. He explained and the zookeeper said, “I’m not surprised. You see, in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means “F*¢k you.” The man vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. He hurried to the zoo, hid the sausage in his pants, and then went to the gorilla’s cage. He tossed one party hat, one horn, and one knife into the cage. Knowing that apes are natural mimics, he put on his party hat. The gorilla saw him, looked at his hat, and put it on. Then he picked up his horn and blew it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage from his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked down at his knife, looked at his crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid!
Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch. One evening, as they sat on Bill’s porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prize bull humping one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel. He leaned over and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to do what that bull is doing.” Mabel whispered back, “Go ahead. She’s your cow!”
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him.Â “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
“You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.Â Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying … that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”Â The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.Â As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!”
Three guys were out in the woods bear hunting. One of the guys says “I am going to sit by this tree”.
Knowing the first guy was new to hunting, the other two guys say to him, “Whatever happens, don’t say a single word”.
So the man sitting by the tree agrees with the other two so they start walking somewhere else to sit. Then just as they were about to sit down, they here the other guy scream. They run back to the man that they left behind. When they get there the man is still sitting by the tree.
Confused, the two men said, “Why did you scream? We told you not to say anything no matter what happened.”
The guy looks the other two right in the eyes and says, “When that snake crawled over my legs, I didn’t scream. When that bear growled right in my face, I didn’t scream. But I could hold it no longer when them two chipmunks crawled up my pantlegs and said to each other, “Do we eat here or take them to go?”
A police officer came upon a terrible car crash where two people had been killed.? As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.
“You can understand what I’m saying?”asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nodded.
“Well, did you see what happened?”
The monkey nodded. He pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
The monkey nodded.? The monkey then pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking deeply.
“‘They were smoking marijuana too?” asked the officer.
The monkey nodded. He made a sexual sign with his fingers
“So they were playing around as well!?” asked the astounded officer.
Again, the monkey nodded.
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and playing around before they wrecked the car?”
The monkey nodded.
“What were you doing during all this?” asked the officer.
The monkey held up his hands on an imaginary steering wheel.
Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darlin’ of 10 glorious years. He went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!
Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. But he just might like to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.
He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK but all the DOVE would say is I am a DOVE I want to Love!? I am a DOVE I want to love!
Well this got on Harry’s nerves so he kicked the Dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He found a very sexy LOON and brought her back to the nest, again the sex was great, but all the LOON would say is, I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON I want to spoon! Egads, out with the LOON.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous DUCK,so He brought the DUCK back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the DUCK would say was…well ….. you know ….
No …… the DUCK didn’t say THAT!!!!!? That’s an awful thing to think!
The Duck said, I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE!
A zebra lived her whole life in a zoo but was getting on in age, so the zoo decided to let her spend her final years on a farm. The zebra was excited to see a huge pasture with green grass and hills and many strange animals. She went up to a fat brown thing and said, “I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I’m a cow.” “What do you do?” “I make milk for the farmer.” Then the zebra went up to a little white bird and said, “I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I’m a chicken.” “What do you do?” “I make eggs for the farmer.” Then the zebra went up to a handsome beast that looked a lot like her except with no stripes and said, “What are you?” “I’m a stallion.” “What do you do?” “How about you take off them fancy pajamas and I’ll show you!”
Thomas and his dog entered a bar. The bartender said, “No dogs allowed.” Thomas replied, “But, sir. Rover is a talking dog.” The skeptical bartender said,, “Prove it and he can stay.” Thomas said to the dog, “Rover, tell him what you want to drink.” Sure enough, Rover clearly said, “Gimme a beer.” The bartender said, “No way! You’re a ventriloquist.” Thomas responded, “If you don’t believe me, how about if I go to the bathroom and you can ask him yourself.” So he did and the bartender asked, “Well? What’ll ya have?” Rover clearly said, “Gimme a beer.” The bartender was still skeptical, so he pulled a ten-dollar bill from the register and told Rover, “This is yours if you go to the bar across the street and say the same thing.” When Thomas came out of the bathroom, he asked, “Where’s my dog?!” The bartender said, “I sent him across the street to another bar.” Furious, Thomas ran out of the bar, and found Rover out on the curb, banging a sexy poodle. Thomas shouted, “Rover! Rover? What are you doing? You’ve never done this before!” And Rover said, “I’ve never had ten bucks before!”
A mother mouse and her three children were feasting in the kitchen when she saw the cat slinking towards them, blocking their path to their mouse hole. Mother Mouse took a deep breath and, in a loud deep voice, said, “Woof! Woof!” The cat turned tail and ran. She then quickly led her children back to safety. When their hearts had stopped racing, she asked, “Now, children, what did we learn from that?” The baby mice squealed, “Watch out for the cat?” “No,” said their mother. “It’s good to know a second language!”
Once a penguin was driving his Cadillac through Arkansas. Cruising through this small town, his car began to knock. So, the penguin pulls his Cadillac into the local garage. The mechanic says, “it’ll be a couple of hours before I can check it out.” And the penguin replies, “I’ll head across the street and check out that grocery store.” He immediately heads into the frozen foods section, where he spends the next two hours munching on fish sticks and ice cream bars. After a couple of hours, the penguin heads back to the garage. The mechanic takes one look at him and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.” To which the penguin blushes and replies, “Oh, no! That’s just vanilla ice cream.”