Frank was bear hunting when he spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Suddenly there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear standing on its hind legs. The black bear said, “You have two choices, pal: either I maul you to death or we have sex.” Frank quickly decided to bend over. Eventually he recovered and vowed revenge. He returned to the same spot, seeking that same black bear. And when he found it, he shot it. Suddenly, he felt another tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a huge grizzly bear standing over him. The grizzly bear said, “Big mistake, buddy. You have two choices: either I maul you to death or we have sex.” Again, Frank thought it better to comply. Although he survived, it took months before he fully recovered, but when he did he headed back to the same woods, again seeking revenge. He managed to track down that very same grizzly bear and shot it, extracting his revenge. But another tap on his shoulder, another spin around, and there was a giant polar bear! The polar bear said, “Admit it, Frank. You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”
Three male dogs encounter a beautiful female poodle and immediately fall in love. Well aware of her own charms and her effect on males, she announces, “I want a mate with brains, therefore I will only date the dog who creates an imaginative, intelligent sentence using the words, ‘cheese’ and ‘liver.'” The black Labrador retriever quickly responds, “I love cheese and liver.” “How childish,” huffs the poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turns to the cocker spaniel who responds tentatively, “Uh, I hate cheese and liver?” The poodle shows her disgust. “That’s no better than the other sentence! What about you, Mr. Chihuahua?” The tiny dog grins, turns to the other two males and says, “Liver alone! Cheese mine!”
Two men walking their dogs met outside a bar. After chatting a while, one suggested they go inside for a drink. The man with the Chihuahua said, “Good idea, but the sign says ‘No Dogs.'” The man with the golden retriever smiled and said, “No problem. Follow me and do what I do.” As he entered the bar, the bartender yelled, “Hey, buddy, no dogs allowed in here!” The guy replied, “Oh, he’s my seeing-eye dog.” So the bartender relented, but then he spotted the other guy. “I’m sorry, sir, but no dogs are allowed in my bar.” The second guy echoed the first, “But he’s my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender looked skeptical. “Your seeing-eye dog is a Chihuahua?” “What! They gave me a Chihuahua?!”
A bear enters a bar in Billings, Montana, sits at the bar, bangs down his paw and demands a beer. The bartender says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.” The bear roars in anger, “Serve me a beer or I’ll eat that woman sitting at the end of the bar.” The bartender again says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.” True to his word, the bear goes to the end of the bar, eats the hapless woman, returns to his stool, sits down and again demands a beer. The bartender says, “We definitely don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billingsâ€¦ who are on drugs.” The bear says, “I’m not on drugs.” The bartender says, “You are now. That was a bar-bitch-u-ate!”
While sport fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. Although he could swim, his fear of alligators made him cling to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber on shore, he shouted, “Are there any gators around here?” “Naw,” replied the old man. “Ain’t been none fer years!” Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely to shore. About halfway, he paused to rest and shouted at the same old guy, “So what did they do to get rid of the gators?” “Didn’t do nothin’,” replied the beachcomber. “Sharks got ’em all!”
A cat died. God met her at the Pearly Gates and said, “You’ve been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat said, “All my life I slept on hard wooden floors. I’d like a nice fluffy pillow.” God said, “So be it,” and there was a huge fluffy pillow. A week later, six mice died. At the Pearly Gates, God made them the same offer. The mice said, “All of our lives we’ve had to run from cats, from dogs, and even from people! We’d love some roller skates.” God said, “So be it.” A week later, God noticed the cat asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened her and asked, “Is everything okay? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, Heaven is wonderful. My pillow is fluffy and I just love the Meals on Wheels you send over!”
On nice days, a pet store put its parrot in a cage on the sidewalk out front of the shop. As a woman walked past, the parrot said, “Hey, lady! You’re ugly!” The lady was angry, but continued on to work. That evening, on her way home, she passed the same parrot. It said, “Hey, lady! You’re ugly!” Now she was furious, but continue on home. The next morning, as she passed the same parrot, it again said, “Hey, lady! You’re ugly!” That’s it! Three times was too much. She stormed into the store and told the manager that she was going to sue his store unless he could quiet that bird. He promised that he would. That evening, on her way home from work, the same lady passed the same store. The same parrot called out, “Hey, lady!” She paused and stared it straight in the eye. “Yes?” she said. The bird said, “You know!”
A man, visiting the zoo, was standing before the gorilla cage when a gust of wind blew some dust in his eye. He pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle and the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars of his cage, and beat the guy senseless. When he came to, the zookeeper asked him what happened. He explained and the zookeeper said, “I’m not surprised. You see, in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means “F*¢k you.” The man vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. He hurried to the zoo, hid the sausage in his pants, and then went to the gorilla’s cage. He tossed one party hat, one horn, and one knife into the cage. Knowing that apes are natural mimics, he put on his party hat. The gorilla saw him, looked at his hat, and put it on. Then he picked up his horn and blew it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage from his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked down at his knife, looked at his crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid!
Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch. One evening, as they sat on Bill’s porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prize bull humping one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel. He leaned over and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to do what that bull is doing.” Mabel whispered back, “Go ahead. She’s your cow!”
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him.Â “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
“You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.Â Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying … that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”Â The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.Â As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!”