Yesterday at Wal-Mart I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for Athena, the wonder dog. I was in the check-out line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no I didn’t have a dog, but that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I told her I probably shouldn’t because last time I’d ended up in the hospital! I’d lost 50 pounds when I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I thought I’d try it again. By this time everyone in this line (and others) was now enthralled with my weight loss story. Horrified, she asked if I was in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no – I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore!

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat Mate.

“Hey, bitch, “says the parrot, “bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!”

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot Pipes up again: “Goddammit, you lazy whore, where’s my whiskey? Hurry it up!”

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot’s drink.

Impressed with the parrot’s technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

“Hey, slut, ” says the man, “get me a dry martini. And don’t drag your sorry ass – I want it right Now!”

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, “Ya know, for someone who can’t fly, you got a lotta balls.”

A married woman had a dog that snored even louder than her husband. She asked the vet for help and he suggested she tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles. “Yeah, right!” she thought. But that night, a few minutes after going to bed, the dog started snoring again. She tossed and turned until finally she went to the closet, found a piece of red ribbon, and, as soon as she got it around the dog’s testicles, the dog stopped snoring! She was amazed! But, before she could get to sleep, her husband rolled over and began to snore even louder than that dog! She tossed and turned until finally she had an idea. She went back to the closet, found a piece of blue ribbon, and, as soon as she got it around her husband’s testicles, he stopped snoring too! For once, she slept soundly, the whole night. In the morning, her husband awakened first and headed for the toilet but stopped when he saw himself in the mirror with a blue ribbon attached to his privates. Confused, he headed back to bed, but then he saw the red ribbon around his dog’s privates. He shook his head and said, “Well, boy, I don’t remember where we went last night or what we did, but, by God, we came in first and second!”

Three male dogs encounter a beautiful female poodle and immediately fall in love. Well aware of her own charms and her effect on males, she announces, “I want a mate with brains, therefore I will only date the dog who creates an imaginative, intelligent sentence using the words, ‘cheese’ and ‘liver.'” The black Labrador retriever quickly responds, “I love cheese and liver.” “How childish,” huffs the poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turns to the cocker spaniel who responds tentatively, “Uh, I hate cheese and liver?” The poodle shows her disgust. “That’s no better than the other sentence! What about you, Mr. Chihuahua?” The tiny dog grins, turns to the other two males and says, “Liver alone! Cheese mine!”

Two men walking their dogs met outside a bar. After chatting a while, one suggested they go inside for a drink. The man with the Chihuahua said, “Good idea, but the sign says ‘No Dogs.'” The man with the golden retriever smiled and said, “No problem. Follow me and do what I do.” As he entered the bar, the bartender yelled, “Hey, buddy, no dogs allowed in here!” The guy replied, “Oh, he’s my seeing-eye dog.” So the bartender relented, but then he spotted the other guy. “I’m sorry, sir, but no dogs are allowed in my bar.” The second guy echoed the first, “But he’s my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender looked skeptical. “Your seeing-eye dog is a Chihuahua?” “What! They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

A bear enters a bar in Billings, Montana, sits at the bar, bangs down his paw and demands a beer. The bartender says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.” The bear roars in anger, “Serve me a beer or I’ll eat that woman sitting at the end of the bar.” The bartender again says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.” True to his word, the bear goes to the end of the bar, eats the hapless woman, returns to his stool, sits down and again demands a beer. The bartender says, “We definitely don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings… who are on drugs.” The bear says, “I’m not on drugs.” The bartender says, “You are now. That was a bar-bitch-u-ate!”