While sport fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. Although he could swim, his fear of alligators made him cling to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber on shore, he shouted, “Are there any gators around here?” “Naw,” replied the old man. “Ain’t been none fer years!” Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely to shore. About halfway, he paused to rest and shouted at the same old guy, “So what did they do to get rid of the gators?” “Didn’t do nothin’,” replied the beachcomber. “Sharks got ’em all!”
A cat died. God met her at the Pearly Gates and said, “You’ve been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat said, “All my life I slept on hard wooden floors. I’d like a nice fluffy pillow.” God said, “So be it,” and there was a huge fluffy pillow. A week later, six mice died. At the Pearly Gates, God made them the same offer. The mice said, “All of our lives we’ve had to run from cats, from dogs, and even from people! We’d love some roller skates.” God said, “So be it.” A week later, God noticed the cat asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened her and asked, “Is everything okay? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, Heaven is wonderful. My pillow is fluffy and I just love the Meals on Wheels you send over!”
On nice days, a pet store put its parrot in a cage on the sidewalk out front of the shop. As a woman walked past, the parrot said, “Hey, lady! You’re ugly!” The lady was angry, but continued on to work. That evening, on her way home, she passed the same parrot. It said, “Hey, lady! You’re ugly!” Now she was furious, but continue on home. The next morning, as she passed the same parrot, it again said, “Hey, lady! You’re ugly!” That’s it! Three times was too much. She stormed into the store and told the manager that she was going to sue his store unless he could quiet that bird. He promised that he would. That evening, on her way home from work, the same lady passed the same store. The same parrot called out, “Hey, lady!” She paused and stared it straight in the eye. “Yes?” she said. The bird said, “You know!”
A man, visiting the zoo, was standing before the gorilla cage when a gust of wind blew some dust in his eye. He pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle and the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars of his cage, and beat the guy senseless. When he came to, the zookeeper asked him what happened. He explained and the zookeeper said, “I’m not surprised. You see, in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means “F*¢k you.” The man vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. He hurried to the zoo, hid the sausage in his pants, and then went to the gorilla’s cage. He tossed one party hat, one horn, and one knife into the cage. Knowing that apes are natural mimics, he put on his party hat. The gorilla saw him, looked at his hat, and put it on. Then he picked up his horn and blew it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage from his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked down at his knife, looked at his crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid!
Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch. One evening, as they sat on Bill’s porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prize bull humping one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel. He leaned over and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to do what that bull is doing.” Mabel whispered back, “Go ahead. She’s your cow!”
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him.Â “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
“You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.Â Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying … that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”Â The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.Â As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!”
Three guys were out in the woods bear hunting. One of the guys says “I am going to sit by this tree”.
Knowing the first guy was new to hunting, the other two guys say to him, “Whatever happens, don’t say a single word”.
So the man sitting by the tree agrees with the other two so they start walking somewhere else to sit. Then just as they were about to sit down, they here the other guy scream. They run back to the man that they left behind. When they get there the man is still sitting by the tree.
Confused, the two men said, “Why did you scream? We told you not to say anything no matter what happened.”
The guy looks the other two right in the eyes and says, “When that snake crawled over my legs, I didn’t scream. When that bear growled right in my face, I didn’t scream. But I could hold it no longer when them two chipmunks crawled up my pantlegs and said to each other, “Do we eat here or take them to go?”
A police officer came upon a terrible car crash where two people had been killed.? As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.
“You can understand what I’m saying?”asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nodded.
“Well, did you see what happened?”
The monkey nodded. He pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
The monkey nodded.? The monkey then pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking deeply.
“‘They were smoking marijuana too?” asked the officer.
The monkey nodded. He made a sexual sign with his fingers
“So they were playing around as well!?” asked the astounded officer.
Again, the monkey nodded.
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and playing around before they wrecked the car?”
The monkey nodded.
“What were you doing during all this?” asked the officer.
The monkey held up his hands on an imaginary steering wheel.
Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darlin’ of 10 glorious years. He went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!
Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. But he just might like to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.
He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK but all the DOVE would say is I am a DOVE I want to Love!? I am a DOVE I want to love!
Well this got on Harry’s nerves so he kicked the Dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He found a very sexy LOON and brought her back to the nest, again the sex was great, but all the LOON would say is, I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON I want to spoon! Egads, out with the LOON.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous DUCK,so He brought the DUCK back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the DUCK would say was…well ….. you know ….
No …… the DUCK didn’t say THAT!!!!!? That’s an awful thing to think!
The Duck said, I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE!
A zebra lived her whole life in a zoo but was getting on in age, so the zoo decided to let her spend her final years on a farm. The zebra was excited to see a huge pasture with green grass and hills and many strange animals. She went up to a fat brown thing and said, “I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I’m a cow.” “What do you do?” “I make milk for the farmer.” Then the zebra went up to a little white bird and said, “I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I’m a chicken.” “What do you do?” “I make eggs for the farmer.” Then the zebra went up to a handsome beast that looked a lot like her except with no stripes and said, “What are you?” “I’m a stallion.” “What do you do?” “How about you take off them fancy pajamas and I’ll show you!”