A married woman had a dog that snored even louder than her husband. She asked the vet for help and he suggested she tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles. “Yeah, right!” she thought. But that night, a few minutes after going to bed, the dog started snoring again. She tossed and turned until finally she went to the closet, found a piece of red ribbon, and, as soon as she got it around the dog’s testicles, the dog stopped snoring! She was amazed! But, before she could get to sleep, her husband rolled over and began to snore even louder than that dog! She tossed and turned until finally she had an idea. She went back to the closet, found a piece of blue ribbon, and, as soon as she got it around her husband’s testicles, he stopped snoring too! For once, she slept soundly, the whole night. In the morning, her husband awakened first and headed for the toilet but stopped when he saw himself in the mirror with a blue ribbon attached to his privates. Confused, he headed back to bed, but then he saw the red ribbon around his dog’s privates. He shook his head and said, “Well, boy, I don’t remember where we went last night or what we did, but, by God, we came in first and second!”
Category Archives: Animal Jokes
Animal jokes are funny even when you’re not at the zoo! We’ve got the best animal jokes so you can laugh until your fur falls off!
Make This Horse Laugh (joke)
There’s a sign next to the horse that says “Make this horse laugh, win $500 and free drinks for the night”
The man decides to give it a shot. He walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear.
The horse bursts out laughing.
The bartender is shocked and begrudgingly pays the man and gives him a night of free drinks.
The man wakes up the next morning and continues on with his journey.
On his way back home, this man sees a new sign next to this horse that reads “Make this horse cry, win $1,000 and free drinks for two nights.”
Having been successful the first time, the man walks up to the horse and a few moments later the horse is sobbing.
The bartender is pissed that the same man won his contest both times. He pays up and starts pouring beer for him.
After a few drinks, the bartender breaks and says “look, I’m losing a lot of money on this. You have to tell me how you did it.”
The man finishes his beer and says with a grin, “Last week, i told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This week, i proved it.”
Frank’s bad luck bear hunting (joke)
Frank was bear hunting when he spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Suddenly there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear standing on its hind legs. The black bear said, “You have two choices, pal: either I maul you to death or we have sex.” Frank quickly decided to bend over. Eventually he recovered and vowed revenge. He returned to the same spot, seeking that same black bear. And when he found it, he shot it. Suddenly, he felt another tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a huge grizzly bear standing over him. The grizzly bear said, “Big mistake, buddy. You have two choices: either I maul you to death or we have sex.” Again, Frank thought it better to comply. Although he survived, it took months before he fully recovered, but when he did he headed back to the same woods, again seeking revenge. He managed to track down that very same grizzly bear and shot it, extracting his revenge. But another tap on his shoulder, another spin around, and there was a giant polar bear! The polar bear said, “Admit it, Frank. You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”
Three Male Dogs and a Poodle (joke)
Three male dogs encounter a beautiful female poodle and immediately fall in love. Well aware of her own charms and her effect on males, she announces, “I want a mate with brains, therefore I will only date the dog who creates an imaginative, intelligent sentence using the words, ‘cheese’ and ‘liver.'” The black Labrador retriever quickly responds, “I love cheese and liver.” “How childish,” huffs the poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turns to the cocker spaniel who responds tentatively, “Uh, I hate cheese and liver?” The poodle shows her disgust. “That’s no better than the other sentence! What about you, Mr. Chihuahua?” The tiny dog grins, turns to the other two males and says, “Liver alone! Cheese mine!”
Two Men Walking Dogs (joke)
Two men walking their dogs met outside a bar. After chatting a while, one suggested they go inside for a drink. The man with the Chihuahua said, “Good idea, but the sign says ‘No Dogs.'” The man with the golden retriever smiled and said, “No problem. Follow me and do what I do.” As he entered the bar, the bartender yelled, “Hey, buddy, no dogs allowed in here!” The guy replied, “Oh, he’s my seeing-eye dog.” So the bartender relented, but then he spotted the other guy. “I’m sorry, sir, but no dogs are allowed in my bar.” The second guy echoed the first, “But he’s my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender looked skeptical. “Your seeing-eye dog is a Chihuahua?” “What! They gave me a Chihuahua?!”
Bear in the Bar (joke)
A bear enters a bar in Billings, Montana, sits at the bar, bangs down his paw and demands a beer. The bartender says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.” The bear roars in anger, “Serve me a beer or I’ll eat that woman sitting at the end of the bar.” The bartender again says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.” True to his word, the bear goes to the end of the bar, eats the hapless woman, returns to his stool, sits down and again demands a beer. The bartender says, “We definitely don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings… who are on drugs.” The bear says, “I’m not on drugs.” The bartender says, “You are now. That was a bar-bitch-u-ate!”
Are there any gators around here? (joke)
While sport fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. Although he could swim, his fear of alligators made him cling to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber on shore, he shouted, “Are there any gators around here?” “Naw,” replied the old man. “Ain’t been none fer years!” Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely to shore. About halfway, he paused to rest and shouted at the same old guy, “So what did they do to get rid of the gators?” “Didn’t do nothin’,” replied the beachcomber. “Sharks got ’em all!”
Cat at the Pearly Gates (joke)
A cat died. God met her at the Pearly Gates and said, “You’ve been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat said, “All my life I slept on hard wooden floors. I’d like a nice fluffy pillow.” God said, “So be it,” and there was a huge fluffy pillow. A week later, six mice died. At the Pearly Gates, God made them the same offer. The mice said, “All of our lives we’ve had to run from cats, from dogs, and even from people! We’d love some roller skates.” God said, “So be it.” A week later, God noticed the cat asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened her and asked, “Is everything okay? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, Heaven is wonderful. My pillow is fluffy and I just love the Meals on Wheels you send over!”
The Parrot on the Sidewalk (joke)
On nice days, a pet store put its parrot in a cage on the sidewalk out front of the shop. As a woman walked past, the parrot said, “Hey, lady! You’re ugly!” The lady was angry, but continued on to work. That evening, on her way home, she passed the same parrot. It said, “Hey, lady! You’re ugly!” Now she was furious, but continue on home. The next morning, as she passed the same parrot, it again said, “Hey, lady! You’re ugly!” That’s it! Three times was too much. She stormed into the store and told the manager that she was going to sue his store unless he could quiet that bird. He promised that he would. That evening, on her way home from work, the same lady passed the same store. The same parrot called out, “Hey, lady!” She paused and stared it straight in the eye. “Yes?” she said. The bird said, “You know!”
The Man at the Zoo (joke)
A man, visiting the zoo, was standing before the gorilla cage when a gust of wind blew some dust in his eye. He pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle and the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars of his cage, and beat the guy senseless. When he came to, the zookeeper asked him what happened. He explained and the zookeeper said, “I’m not surprised. You see, in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means “F*¢k you.” The man vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. He hurried to the zoo, hid the sausage in his pants, and then went to the gorilla’s cage. He tossed one party hat, one horn, and one knife into the cage. Knowing that apes are natural mimics, he put on his party hat. The gorilla saw him, looked at his hat, and put it on. Then he picked up his horn and blew it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage from his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked down at his knife, looked at his crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid!