Category Archives: Blonde Jokes

Looking for “blonde jokes” – we have the best! Possibly even some new blonde jokes you haven’t heard, funny, hilarious, and ultimate blonde jokes leaving you laughing for more!

The Blonde Handyman

A blonde wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a handyman. She canvassed the neighborhood and finally found a man who needed his porch painted. “How much will you charge me?” he asked. “How about $50?” asked the blonde. The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said, “Does she realize that the porch goes all around the house?” The husband looked at her with a cynical frown. “You’re right! I guess I’m starting to believe all of those blonde jokes you get in e mails every day.” A short time late the blonde came to the door to collect. “Are you finished already?” the husband asked. “Yes” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over so gave it two coats–no extra charge.” Impressed. the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “It’s not a Porch—it’s a Lexus.”

Two Blondes Walking (joke)

Two blondes were walking down the street when one saw a compact lying on the sidewalk. She picked it up, opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” The other blonde said, “Let me see.” She grabbed the compact, took a look and said, “You dumbass! That’s me!”

A Blonde Goes to the Doctor

A doctor puts a terribly overweight blonde on a diet. “Eat regularly for two days and then skip a day. Repeat this for two weeks and then come see me. By then you should have lost five pounds.” The blonde returns after two weeks, but she’s lost twenty pounds! “That’s amazing!” says her doctor. “Did you follow my instructions exactly?” The blonde nods. “I did, but I thought I was gonna die that third day.” “From hunger?” “No, from skipping!”

The Blonde Mortician Joke

Wow, I’ve heard a lot of “great blonde jokes” but this one really threw me!

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and s says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’ To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

‘There’s no charge,’ she says.

‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearin g a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’

‘So I just switched the heads.’

A Blonde and the new Sports Car

Why It’s No Fun To Be A Penis: You’re bald your whole life; you have a hole in your head; your neighbors are nuts; the guy closest to you is an a$$hole; and everytime you get excited, you throw up and then faint!A blonde got a new sports car for a birthday present. While was out for a drive, she accidentally cut off a big 18-wheeler. The truck driver motioned for her to pull over. She did. He got out of his truck, stomped over to the shoulder of the road, drew a circle with a piece of chalk, and commanded the blonde, “Now you stand in that circle and don’t move!” She did as she was told. He reached inside the convertible and cut her leather seats to shreds with his knife. But when he checked her reaction, she was smiling. That made him angrier! “Oh, so you think I’m funny, do you? Watch this!” He grabbed a baseball bat from his truck and broke every lamp on her new car. This time when he looked at her, she was giggling. Now that made him really mad. He slashed her tires. She laughed out loud. He dented the hood with his bat. She laughed harder. He dented the trunk. She laughed even harder. He finally lost it completely, grabbed a gas can from his truck, poured it over her car, and lit it. She doubled over, the tears running down her cheeks. The enraged truck driver screamed, “You’re one crazy blonde! What in the hell is so funny?” Through tears of laughter, the blonde forced out the words, “Every time… when you… weren’t looking?… I stepped out… of the circle!”

Alligator Shoes (blonde joke)

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.  She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, “Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!”

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, “Well little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?”

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.  With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.  The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.  Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration . .

“CRAP! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!”

Divorced Barbie Doll Joke

Divorced Barbie Doll Joke

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, ‘How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?’ The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95’.

The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: ‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made with Ken’s balls.

In case it gets hot (blonde joke)

A newscaster asked three women what one item they would take with them if they were going to be stranded on a deserted island. The brunette said, “Food, so I can eat.” The redhead said, “Water, so I can drink.” The blond said, “A car door.” The newscaster asked, “What? A car door? Why?” The blonde replied, “Because then if it gets hot, I can roll down the window!”

Bambi’s Sore Throat (blonde joke)

“You don’t look so good today, Bambi,” said Barbie. “You’re right,” said Bambi. “I feel like I’m coming down with something. My throat really hurts.” Barbie suggested, “You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great.” Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better. “You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?” Bambi replied, “I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn’t believe that it was your idea!”

Blonde Teacher joke

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.’You ok?’ she says.

‘Yes.’ he says.

‘You can go and play with the other kids you know.’ she says.

‘It’s best I stay here.’ he says.

‘Why?’ says the blonde.

The boy says: ‘Because, I’m the frigging goalie’