The blonde plopped down in First Class in spite of her Coach ticket. The stewardess informed her, “Miss, you’re going to have to move to your seat.” But the blonde merely smiled smugly. “Honey, you don’t understand: I’m cute, I’m blonde, and when I get to Las Vegas, I’m going to be rich.” Even the head stewardess couldn’t make her move. “I’m cute, I’m blonde, and when I get to Las Vegas, I’m going to be rich.” Finally the Captain was summoned. He whispered in the blonde’s ear, she gave him a surprised look, then stood up and moved quietly to Coach. The stewardesses were impressed. “What did you say to get her to leave?” “Oh, I just told her ‘First Class doesn’t stop in Las Vegas!'”
A redhead was well over the speed limit when she asked her blonde passenger, “See any cops behind us?” The blonde turned around for a long look. “Hey, yeah, I do.” “Damn!” said the redhead. “Are his flashers on?” The blonde replied, “Yep, nope. Yep, nope. Yep, nope.”
A blonde and a redhead were in a bar after work, watching the six o’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump off a bridge. The blonde bet the redhead fifty bucks he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead took it. Sure enough, the guy jumped, so the blonde gave her friend the fifty. The redhead said, “I can’t take this from you; you’re my best friend.” The blonde said, “No, take it. A bet’s a bet.” The redhead said, “Wait. I have to confess. I can’t take your money; I saw this earlier on the five o’clock news.” The blonde said, “Well, so did I, but I never dreamed he’d jump again!”
A blonde went to her friend’s house wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt. “Why are you wearing a ‘Thank God It’s Friday shirt?” asked her friend. “It’s only Wednesday!” “Oh, crap!” said the blonde. “I thought that meant ‘Tits Go In Front!’ “
What was this guy thinking taking a blonde on a fishing trip?
A guy and his blonde girlfriend went on a fishing trip. Renting all the equipment (rods, reels, waders, boat, even a cabin in the woods), they spent a fortune. They fished every day and never caught a thing. Finally, on the last day there, he caught a fish. Driving home, he said to his girlfriend, “Do you realize that catching one lousy fish cost us two thousand dollars?” She replied, “Wow! Good thing we didn’t catch more!”
A young blonde woman in Joliet, Illinois, was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the I&M canal. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying.
He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
“What are you doing here?” the captain asked.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and a trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” the captain said.
“This is the Empress Casino, and we never leave Joliet.”
The biology professor was discussing the high glucose level of semen when a blonde co-ed raised her hand. “Are you saying there’s a lot of sugar in male semen?” “Correct,” responded the professor, adding more statistical material. The same girl raised her hand again. “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?” The entire class burst out laughing, her face turned bright red, she said not a word, picked up her books, and walked straight out of class never to return. As she left, the professor added with a straight face, “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue, not in the back of your throat!”
[tags]funny, joke, blonde joke, comedy, humor[/tags]
Three Blondes were applying for a position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective interviewing them said, “To be a detective, you must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and tattos.” Then he took a photo, stuck it in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it quickly. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?” The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!” The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye; it’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The detective stuck the photo in the face of the second blonde, pulled it back and said, “Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?” “Yes! He only has one ear!” The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just said? This is a profile of his face! You’re excused!”
The detective turned to the third blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but . . ” He flashed the photo in her face and withdrew it. “Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?” The blonde said, “I sure did. He wears contacts.” The detective looked at the photo and began looking at some papers in a folder. He looked at the blonde and said, “You’re right! His bio says he wears contacts! How could you tell by looking at his photo?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Helloooo!! With only one eye and one ear, he can’t wear glasses!”
A blonde went into a message center overseas to send a message back to her mother in the States. The clerk told her the price, but she claimed she had no money. But I’d do anything to get a message to my dear sweet mother.” The clerk arched his eyebrow and grinned. “Anything?” he asked. “Yes, anything!” the blonde promised. So they went together to the back room and he closed the door. He instructed her, “Get down on your knees.” She did. “Lower my zipper.” She did. “Now take it out.” She reached in, grabbed it with both hands, and then paused. He whispered through closed eyes, “Well? Go ahead.” The blonde slowly brought it to her lips and said, “Hello, Mom? Can you hear me?”
A blonde walking by a travel agency notices a sign in the window, “Cruise Special — $99!” She goes inside, hands the agent her money, and says, “I’d like the $99 cruise special, please.” The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, pushes her in and leaves her, floating downstream. A few minutes later another blonde passes by, sees the sign, goes inside, and pays for the $99 cruise special. She receives the same treatment. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. As they float along, side-by-side, the first blonde asks, “Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?” The other replies, “They didn’t last year!”