Saint Peter was surprised to see a lawyer arrive at the Pearly Gates. He asked him, “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The lawyer said, “Well, a week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check his records. Gabriel confirmed the story. “Well, that’s something, but not enough to get you into Heaven.” The lawyer said, “Wait! Three years ago, I gave another homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter looked at Gabriel, who nodded back, affirming that it was true. Saint Peter whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you think we should do with this guy?” Gabriel gave the lawyer a quick glance and said to Saint Peter, “Give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell!”

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday’s sermon he told them, “If one more person confesses to adultery, I’ll quit!??? Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: “fallen.??? From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fallen.??? This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. “You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can’t believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!??? The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know why you’re laughing; your wife fell three times last week!???

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the hotel bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, “I have four sons; one more and I’ll have a basketball team.??? The Catholic pooh-poohed his accomplishment, “That’s nothing. I have ten sons; one more and I’ll have a football team.??? To which the Mormon replied, “That’s nothing. I have seventeen wives; one more and I’ll have a golf course!???

A bus strikes a man crossing a busy street. As he lies dying on the sidewalk, a crowd of spectators gathers. The man gasps, “Somebody get me a priest!??? A policeman searches, but there’s none to be found anywhere nearby. Finally, a old Jewish man volunteers. “Look, Mr. Policeman, I’m not a priest, I’m not even Catholic, but for fifty years now I’m living behind the Catholic church over on First Avenue and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany so maybe I can comfort this poor dying man???? The policeman agreed and the old man kneels beside the injured man and says in his most solemn voice, “B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72…???

A man was in confession. He told the priest, “I almost had an affair with a woman.??? “What do you mean, ‘almost?’??? “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together a little, but then I stopped.??? The priest replied, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. Don’t go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.??? The man left the confessional, went over, said his prayers, then stopped near the poor box for a moment before leaving. The priest just happened to notice his actions. “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!??? The man replied, “Well, that’s true, Father, I didn’t. But I rubbed the money against it and you said that was the same as putting it in!???

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the woman you were with?”

“I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Teresa Volpe?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Nina Capelli?”

“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone.? You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“Four months vacation and five good leads.”

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while “the lights would turn off.”

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”

“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?”

The Pope dies and, naturally, he goes to heaven. He’s met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and, after a whirlwind tour, is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides he’s going to read all the ancient original texts of the Holy Scriptures. After an eon or so to learn the languages, he sits down in the library to pore over every version of The Bible. Suddenly there is a scream in the library. The angels come running, only to find he Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, muttering, “‘R!’ They left out the ‘R!’” God takes him aside, offers him comfort and asks him about the problem. The Pope sobs again, “It’s the letter ‘R’… the word was ‘CELEBRATE!’”

The nunnery was only a block away from Jack’s Liquor Store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine. “Hello, Jack. give me a pint o’ the brandy.” “Sister Mary Katherine,” exclaimed Jack, “I can no’ do that! I can’t sell alcohol to a nun!” “Oh, Jack,” she responded, “it’s for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped, “For her constipation, don’t you know?” So Jack sold her the brandy. That night, as Jack walked home, he passed the nunnery, and spied Sister Mary Katherine on the sidewalk, snookered out of her gourd, singing, dancing, whirling around, flapping her arms like a bird. Jack pushed through the gathering crowd. “Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you said it was for Mother Superior’s constipation!” Sister Mary Katherine didn’t miss a beat. “And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me drunk-as-a-skunk, she’s gonna sh*t!”

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, “Do you have health insurance?” He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.” The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, “No money in the bank.” The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?” He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.” The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”