Category Archives: Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris Facts are so popular he even made a tv commercial about it! 100 facts about chuck norris are hilarious – you must read these!

Chuck Norris Facts (jokes)

Chuck NorrisWell, Chuck Norris Facts have been floating around the Internet for the last few years….and even Chuck Norris has gotten into the act. Here are some of the best ones I could find!

  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  • Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
  • Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
  • If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
  • Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
  • There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
  • Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
  • In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  • Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  • When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
  • When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
  • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  • Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  • When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
  • God wanted 10 days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.
  • You can get Norris tears. You have to milk his eyes, though, like you would a cobra’s fangs. Of course, Chuck Norris is much more dangerous than any cobra.
  • Chuck Norris can drink so much that his urine is regularly used as a type of rocket fuel.
  • Every year on his birthday, Chuck norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun
  • Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas
  • Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
  • Many people think that the moons gravitational pull is what controls the tides. What the authorities do not want you to know is that it is really the power of the bohemith we know as CHUCK NORRIS!!!
  • Guns don’t kill people, Chick Norris kills people
  • Chuch Norris once punched a woman in the vagina because she didn’t give him exact change
  • Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane by pointing his finger and yelling “bang”
  • Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by pointing at her and saying “boo-ya”
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t use a razor to shave in the morning, he roundhouse kicks himself in the face… because the only thing hard enough to cut Chuck Norris, is Chuck Norris.
  • Every time Chuck Norris kills a man, an angel gets its wings.
  • Before e-mail was invented, chuck norris would attatch messages to kittens and roundhouse them.
  • chuck norris doesn’t need air, air needs chuck norris.
  • When Chuck Norris was born, he had already had sex, three times
  • Chuck Norris has counted to infinity – twice

Chuck Norris vs. Johnny Cash – HILARIOUS

I have half asleep until I read this, and then I was laughing my guts out! You have to read the original post to view all the hilarious comments (dozens and dozens) – but I just had to post this as soon as I read it. Thank you shoutwire for giving us “Ten Reaons why Johnny Cash Owns Chuck Norris”!! The Chuck Norris jokes were funny, but this is better!

Reason 1.
Only one man who has ever lived has been bad enough to be called “The Man In Black” and it wasn’t Chuck Norris

Reason 2.
Johnny didn’t have to fight to be a bad ass. He just had to pick up a beer bottle and a guitar.

Reason 3.
Norris made a bunch of films where he killed folks. Johnny Cash went to Folsom Prison and did a concert. You tell me which one takes more balls.

Reason 4.
Chuck wasn’t the first of his kind to kick ass. Johnny was the first rock star to set something on fire. While most artists only set their hotel rooms on fire, Johnny took it one step further and burned down half a national forest.

Reason 5.
When Chuck was five, he was a normal five year old. Johnny had already earned man points by working in his dad’s cotton fields. That is a true bad ass. By the time he was six, Cash did more hard work than most men do in their whole life.

Reason 6.
Chuck never got stabbed in the back by a woman. Johnny never stopped bleeding. Chuck may have gotten punched a few times, but Johnny knew what real pain was.

Reason 7.
Chuck is a republican. Johnny was close with every president except for GWB. It was said he just didn’t trust that son of a bitch. When Johnny didn’t trust someone, you just knew something foul was going on.

Reason 8.
Johnny was invited to play the at White House in 1972 for Richard Nixon. He was given a list of politically correct songs to sing. He instead metaphorically threw up his middle finger at the establishment, in true ShoutWire fashion, and sang a set full of left leaning, politically charged tunes. Chuck Norris has never told the president to fuck off in his own house.

Reason 9.
Chuck Norris made a lot of crappy movies. Johnny Cash never touched anything that didn’t turn to gold. In the 80’s, he made a song called “Chicken in Black” to get himself out of a record deal. Even that became popular.

Reason 10.
Johnny is the only man in history to decline painkillers after a double bypass heart surgery. He knew he liked drugs too god damn much and wouldn’t stop. That shows power over an addiction previously not seen before. Kicking a ninja’s ass is easy compared to kicking a drug’s ass.