Pastor Brown was driving to church Sunday in his Cadillac when he spied Pastor White riding a bicycle. He stopped and asked, “What happened to your Chevy?” “Things have been tight lately. I had to sell it to pay the church mortgage.” “You need to preach on tithing and the importance of sharing one’s wealth with God and Church this Sunday, Pastor White. How do you think I got my new Cadillac?” The next Sunday he saw Pastor White only this week he was walking. “What happened? Did you have to sell your bike?” “No,” said Pastor White. “I think one of my parishioners stole it.” “That’s terrible,” said Father Brown. “This Sunday, preach the Ten Commandments and when you get to ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ lay it on extra heavy. I guarantee your bike will mysteriously reappear.” Sure enough, the following Sunday Pastor Brown saw Pastor White, and this week he was back on his bicycle. Pastor Brown said, “See? I told you the Ten Commandments would do the trick.” Pastor White sheepishly replied, “Well, it did help, but not like you thought. When I got to ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I remembered where I left my bike!”
Sister Mary burst into the principal’s office and cried, “Father, just wait until you hear this!” “Calm down, Sister Mary. Now tell me what has you so excited?” “Well, Father, I was on my way to chapel when I heard some of the older boys wagering!” “A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest. “But that’s not what made me so excited, Father. It was what they were wagering on! They were betting to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!” “Incredible! ” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?” She said, “Father, I hit the ceiling!” He mused, “So how much did you win?”
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section.
One asks the other if she would like a beer.
The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it.
The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, “Here, don’t forget the curlers.”
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, ‘Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!’? ? ‘Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!’
‘ No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!’? ‘Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!’? ? Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.? ? ‘Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen.’
‘Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?’
‘Why, eat it of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!’
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.? ? ‘Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!’
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, ‘Father!’
‘It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!’
‘ Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?’
‘ Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch.’
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
‘I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch’, she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
‘What are you doing Sister?’
‘Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops’ dinner.’
‘Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!’
‘No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch fish.’
‘Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and? that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!? Let me know when you’ve finished? cleaning it.’
On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, ‘This is great fish, where did you get it?’ ‘I caught that Son of a Bitch!’ proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop’s eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
‘And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!’ exclaimed the Sister.
The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, ‘And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!’
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,
‘You fuckers are my kind of people!’
God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
And the man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”
Saint Peter was surprised to see a lawyer arrive at the Pearly Gates. He asked him, “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The lawyer said, “Well, a week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check his records. Gabriel confirmed the story. “Well, that’s something, but not enough to get you into Heaven.” The lawyer said, “Wait! Three years ago, I gave another homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter looked at Gabriel, who nodded back, affirming that it was true. Saint Peter whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you think we should do with this guy?” Gabriel gave the lawyer a quick glance and said to Saint Peter, “Give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell!”
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation,…..no one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, …. “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a? new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”? The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,….”If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!”? More sighs and loud applause,
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, …. I will give him sex!”
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, . “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?” Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,…..”Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ….? “Screw the Preacher!'”
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday’s sermon he told them, “If one more person confesses to adultery, I’ll quit!??? Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: “fallen.??? From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fallen.??? This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. “You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can’t believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!??? The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know why you’re laughing; your wife fell three times last week!???
A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervor! “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d throw it all into the river.??? With greater emphasis, he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d throw it all into the river.??? And finally he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d throw it all into the river, too!??? As he took his chair, the song leader stood and announced with a smile, “For our closing hymn, let us sing number 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.???
An atheist was fishing on Loch Ness when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. With an easy flip, the beast tossed his boat high into the air and then opened its huge mouth to catch him. As he sailed into the sky, he cried, “Oh, God! Help me!” At once, the ferocious scene froze! As the atheist hung there in mid-air a booming voice came out of the clouds: “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!” “Come on, God. Give me a break!” pleaded the man. “A minute ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”