A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. Obviously someone was home, but even after he knocked several times, no one came to the door. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20” and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message, was the notation, “Genesis 3:10.” Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.” Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”
Category Archives: Church Jokes
The Pastor’s Ass (joke)
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the ad lines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!
A Nun Visits Hooters (joke)
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while “the lights would turn off.”
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !
She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”
“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?”
The Pope’s dilema in heaven (joke)
The Pope dies and, naturally, he goes to heaven. He’s met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and, after a whirlwind tour, is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides he’s going to read all the ancient original texts of the Holy Scriptures. After an eon or so to learn the languages, he sits down in the library to pore over every version of The Bible. Suddenly there is a scream in the library. The angels come running, only to find he Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, muttering, “‘R!’ They left out the ‘R!'” God takes him aside, offers him comfort and asks him about the problem. The Pope sobs again, “It’s the letter ‘R’… the word was ‘CELEBRATE!'”
The Nun in the Liquor Store
The nunnery was only a block away from Jack’s Liquor Store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine. “Hello, Jack. give me a pint o’ the brandy.” “Sister Mary Katherine,” exclaimed Jack, “I can no’ do that! I can’t sell alcohol to a nun!” “Oh, Jack,” she responded, “it’s for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped, “For her constipation, don’t you know?” So Jack sold her the brandy. That night, as Jack walked home, he passed the nunnery, and spied Sister Mary Katherine on the sidewalk, snookered out of her gourd, singing, dancing, whirling around, flapping her arms like a bird. Jack pushed through the gathering crowd. “Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you said it was for Mother Superior’s constipation!” Sister Mary Katherine didn’t miss a beat. “And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me drunk-as-a-skunk, she’s gonna sh*t!”
Nuns Final Confession (joke)
Nuns are expected to make one final confession before being admitted to Heaven to become angels. When several nuns died together in a car accident, they formed a line waiting to be absolved of their sins before being made holy. “And so,” asked St. Peter of the first nun, “have you ever had any contact with a penis?” “Well, ” she replied, “Once I did touch just the tip of one with the tip of my finger.” “Okay,” said St. Peter, “dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into Heaven.” The next nun admitted, “Well, once I sort of massaged one a bit.” “Okay,” said St. Peter, “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into Heaven.” Suddenly there was a jostling in the line. “What’s going on here?” St. Peter asked as two nuns jockeyed for position in line. “Well, your excellency, if I’m gonna have to gargle, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in!”
Religious Leaders as Software Programmers (joke)
Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day’s event: Jesus and Mohammed. The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, methods, classes, applets and applications appeared on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and intricate graphics formed on their monitors. Just before the contest was due to end, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment, it came back on…just in time for the announcement that the competition was over. Who won? Easy. Mohammed lost everything in the power outage, but Jesus saves.
The Church Hypocrite (joke)
Leaving church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, “Do you think that Johnson girl tints her hair?” “I didn’t even see her,” admitted Mr. Peterson. “And that dress Margie Hansen was wearing,” continued Mrs. Peterson, “Was that suitable for a mother of two?” “I didn’t notice that, either,” said Mr. Peterson. Mrs. Peterson snapped, “Oh, for heaven’s sake! A lot of good it does you to go to church!”
It sure beats pork (jewish joke)
An Irish priest and a rabbi shared a compartment on a train. The priest opened the conversation by saying, “I know that your religion doesn’t allow you to eat pork. But, have you ever actually tasted it?” The rabbi replied, “To tell the truth, I’ve succumbed occasionally. Now in your religion, you’re supposed to be celibate, but….” The priest smiled and replied, “Oh, I know what you’re going to ask. Yes, I’ve succumbed occasionally over the years.” There was a moment of silence. Then the Rabbi said, “Sure beats pork, doesn’t it?”
A Priest and a Rabbi buy a car (joke)
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. “What are you doing?” he asked. “I’m blessing it with holy water,” said the priest. A few minutes later the rabbi came out of the synagogue carrying a hacksaw. He walked to the back of the car and cut off about two inches of tailpipe.