Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith’s house. She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message. As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened! Convinced the man must be sticking his foot in the doorway, she reared back to slam it hard enough to teach him a lesson, when he cried, “Ma’am, before you do that again, you really should move your cat!”
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon Graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy’s gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?! ” After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. “We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola.”
A minister died and found himself in line at the Pearly Gates behind a man wearing sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. St. Peter asked the man, “State your name so I may determine whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The man replied, “I’m Joe the taxi driver, from Noo Yawk City.” St. Peter consulted his list, smiled and said, “Here, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” As the taxi driver entered Heaven, St. Peter turned to the minister.” State your name so I may determine whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” He stood up tall and said, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” St. Peter consulted his list, smiled and said, “Here, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” The minister was confused. “Hey, wait a minute. That guy drove a taxi and he gets silk and gold, while I spent my life ministering and I get cotton and wood? How can this be?” “Simple,” said St. Peter. “Up here, we go by results. When you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed!”
St. Peter asks the Jewish man why he deserves to be in Heaven. He replies, “I’ve been a pious Jew all my life, attended synagogue every Saturday, and I raised a lot of money for Jewish causes.” “And what is your wife’s name?” asks St. Peter. “Penny,” the man replies. “Penny?!” shouts St. Peter. “You Jews are all alike. Money, money, money. You even married a woman whose name has to do with money! Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!” Then St. Peter asks the Irishman why he deserves to be in Heaven. “I’ve been a devout Catholic all my life, attended church every Sunday, given generously to the church, and always took wafers and wine at communion.” “And what’s your wife’s name?” “Brandy.” “Brandy?!! You Irish are all alike. Drink, drink, drink. You even married a woman whose name is a type of alcohol. Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!” With that, the Greek man turns to his wife and says, “Come on, Fanny, let’s get out of hereâ€¦”
Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire ‘s Pub for a cold soft drink. Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door. They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.
Pastor Brown was driving to church Sunday in his Cadillac when he spied Pastor White riding a bicycle. He stopped and asked, “What happened to your Chevy?” “Things have been tight lately. I had to sell it to pay the church mortgage.” “You need to preach on tithing and the importance of sharing one’s wealth with God and Church this Sunday, Pastor White. How do you think I got my new Cadillac?” The next Sunday he saw Pastor White only this week he was walking. “What happened? Did you have to sell your bike?” “No,” said Pastor White. “I think one of my parishioners stole it.” “That’s terrible,” said Father Brown. “This Sunday, preach the Ten Commandments and when you get to ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ lay it on extra heavy. I guarantee your bike will mysteriously reappear.” Sure enough, the following Sunday Pastor Brown saw Pastor White, and this week he was back on his bicycle. Pastor Brown said, “See? I told you the Ten Commandments would do the trick.” Pastor White sheepishly replied, “Well, it did help, but not like you thought. When I got to ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I remembered where I left my bike!”
Sister Mary burst into the principal’s office and cried, “Father, just wait until you hear this!” “Calm down, Sister Mary. Now tell me what has you so excited?” “Well, Father, I was on my way to chapel when I heard some of the older boys wagering!” “A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest. “But that’s not what made me so excited, Father. It was what they were wagering on! They were betting to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!” “Incredible! ” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?” She said, “Father, I hit the ceiling!” He mused, “So how much did you win?”
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section.
One asks the other if she would like a beer.
The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it.
The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, “Here, don’t forget the curlers.”
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, ‘Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!’? ? ‘Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!’
‘ No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!’? ‘Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!’? ? Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.? ? ‘Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen.’
‘Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?’
‘Why, eat it of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!’
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.? ? ‘Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!’
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, ‘Father!’
‘It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!’
‘ Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?’
‘ Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch.’
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
‘I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch’, she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
‘What are you doing Sister?’
‘Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops’ dinner.’
‘Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!’
‘No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch fish.’
‘Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and? that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!? Let me know when you’ve finished? cleaning it.’
On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, ‘This is great fish, where did you get it?’ ‘I caught that Son of a Bitch!’ proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop’s eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
‘And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!’ exclaimed the Sister.
The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, ‘And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!’
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,
‘You fuckers are my kind of people!’
God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
And the man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”