I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M’s, sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people celebrating the fact that the year 2000 was “MM” in Roman numerals, when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is not that surprising as everyone knows there’s no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken; that’s why the government made them change their name to KFC). Anyway, my friend woke up one morning and found himself in his bathtub, which was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that his kidney had been stolen. A note on his mirror said “Call 911!” but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled “Join the crew!” He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It must be true because I read all about it last week in a mass e-mail from Bill Gates himself, who also promised me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would only forward his e-mail to everyone I know.) He tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but the voice on the line asked him to press #90, which gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the unwitting guy’s expense. Then, reaching into the coin-return slot, he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that read, “Welcome to the world of AIDS.” Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital where that little boy dying of cancer is, you know, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. (I sent him two e-mails; one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel which I forwarded to lots of people because if you forward it to more than ten people you’ll have really good luck, but if you forward it to less than ten people you will have bad luck for seven years.) On the way to the hospital he noticed a car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. In conclusion, be sure to send this email to all your friends and you’ll receive four green M&Ms, but if you don’t, the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mail, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends, you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, and your spouse will develop a skin rash from the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms. I know all this is true; I read it on the Internet.

Computer Addicts’ Exercise Plan: Sitting, staring, and typing may no longer be enough to keep you in shape. Here’s a regimen to build those arms, shoulders and back muscles. While sitting at your computer, raise a 5-pound potato sack with each hand, extending your arms until they are straight out from your sides. Try to hold them there for at least 10 seconds. Relax. Drink coffee. Repeat. After a few weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks and eventually work your way up to 25-pound potato sacks in each hand for a full minute. Once you can do that with confidence, slip a potato into each sack, but be careful. Don’t overdo it!

A man’s printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop. A friendly young man informed him, “Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.” Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, “Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage business?” “Actually, it was my boss’s idea,” said the young employee. “He says that if we let people try to fix things themselves first, we end up making even more money!”