A farmer dropped by the local tavern, ordered a cold one and said, “This is a special day. I’m celebrating.” “What a coincidence,” said the woman on the next stool. “I’m celebrating, too.” “What are you celebrating?” she asked, clinking glasses with him. “I’ve been raising chickens, but my hens were all infertile,” he replied, [...]
The Sunday School teacher asked her class, “Which part of the body gets to heaven first?” Little Suzi quickly raised her hand. “I think it’s your mind, teacher, because you have to have a mind to believe in God.” “Very good, Suzi.” Little Cathy’s hand went up. “I think it’s your heart, teacher, because God [...]
Superman, patrolling Metropolis on a particularly boring day, spied Wonder Woman on the beach, sunbathing in the nude! Remembering that he was “faster than a speeding bullet,” he wondered if he could score with Wonder Woman before she knew what hit her. He swooped down, finished in an instant, and then flew away wearing a [...]
A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker. Out in the middle of the desert, she started coming on to him. When she offered him some oral pleasure, he pulled over to the side of the road. But once his pants were around his ankles, she pulled out a gun, bound [...]
Jerry brought home a dozen red roses for his wife. “How lovely, dear,” she said. “What’s the occasion?” “I want to make love to you tonight,” he replied. “Oh, not tonight, dear; I have a headache.” The next night, Jerry brought home a big box of chocolates and again explained that he wanted to make [...]
Military jokes are hilarious because those guys are so darn stiff! Oh - did I just make a funny pun?
A Marine, fresh back from a year at a North African embassy, told his wife, “Honey, I didn’t waste all my time alone over there. Instead, I mastered the art of mind over matter. Watch this!” [...]
Twelve candidates, nearing completion of their studies, were led into the garden for their final exam before becoming a monk. Each stripped naked and tied a small bell to his penis. “Any man whose bell rings has not reached an adequate state of purity,” announced the abbot. A beautiful nude woman was brought out to [...]
An accountant greeted his rather voluptuous new client and offered her a chair. “Let’s start with the basics. Occupation?” The woman replies, “Whore.” “Oh, no, madam,” said the accountant. “I can’t put that on your tax return.” “Okay. I’m a prostitute.” “No, try again.” “Okay. Call me a chicken farmer.” “Chicken farmer? How’s that?” “Well, [...]
The Pentagon had too many Generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any General who would retire early his full annual benefits, plus (in some bureaucratic bungle) $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along his body, between two points he chose. General Jones accepted, asking them to measure him from [...]
One day, old Mr. Smith told his nurse that his penis had died. Knowing Mr. Smith was growing senile, she decided to play along. “It did? I am sorry to hear that.” The next day she saw Mr. Smith walking down the nursing home hallway with his penis hanging out of his pants. “Mr. Smith? [...]