Category Archives: Dirty Jokes

Strolling through Golden Gate Park (joke)

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.  Seeing this  he inquired, “Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?”

“I’m listening to the music of the tree,” the other man replied.

“You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me.”

“No, would you like to give it a try?”

Understandably curious, the man says, “Well, OK…” So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry,car keys, and then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, “What the heck happened to you?”

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said: “This just ain’t gonna be your day, cupcake.”

Two Italian Men

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady idignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

The statue in the museum (joke)

A Frenchwoman took her young daughter to the Louvre. As they stood before a statue of a nude male, the child pointed at its penis and asked, “Mama, what’s that?” “Oh, nothing, Cherie.” “I want one,” said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter’s attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. “I want one. I want one like that one,” she kept repeating. Finally, her mother said, “If you’re a good girl and stop talking about it now, I promise you that when grow up, you will have one.” “And if I’m bad?” Her mother sighed. “Then you will have many!”

The Man with the 25 Inch Penis

A man who had a 25 inch long penis went to his doctor to complain that he was having a problem with this rather massive instrument and has had more than one complaint. “Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?” The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you.” So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. “Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my last hope!” The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, “I think I may be able to help you. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem.” The man’s face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?”

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, “NO.” The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. “WOW,” he screamed out loud, “This is great!!” But at 20 inches it was still too long, so he asked the frog again. “Frog, will you marry me?” the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, “NO!” The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, “This is fantastic.” He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, “Frog will you marry me?” The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, “How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!”

Survey of Women’s Thighs

A recent poll asked men whether they preferred women with large thighs or women with thin thighs. The results may be surprising: 10% of men surveyed preferred women with large thighs. 10% of men preferred women with thin thighs. 80% preferred what’s in-between.

The female Hitchhiker

A man picked up a female hitchhiker wearing really short shorts. “What’s your name?” she asked him as she climbed in. “It’s Snow; Ray Snow,” he answered. “And yours?” “June; June Hansen,” she replied. After a few minutes, she asked, “Why do you keep sizing me up like that?” He replied, “I was just wondering: can you imagine what it would be like to have eight inches of Snow in June?”

Good Manners in Bed

The nervous young bride was irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. “I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “as I do at the dinner table.” Amused by his wife’s formality, he smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. “Is that better?” he asked. “Yes,” replied his new wife. “Good, darling,” he whispered. “Now would you please pass the pu$$y?”

The blonde and the overseas message (joke)

A blonde went into a message center overseas to send a message back to her mother in the States. The clerk told her the price, but she claimed she had no money. But I’d do anything to get a message to my dear sweet mother.” The clerk arched his eyebrow and grinned. “Anything?” he asked. “Yes, anything!” the blonde promised. So they went together to the back room and he closed the door. He instructed her, “Get down on your knees.” She did. “Lower my zipper.” She did. “Now take it out.” She reached in, grabbed it with both hands, and then paused. He whispered through closed eyes, “Well? Go ahead.” The blonde slowly brought it to her lips and said, “Hello, Mom? Can you hear me?”

The celebration (joke)

A farmer dropped by the local tavern, ordered a cold one and said, “This is a special day. I’m celebrating.” “What a coincidence,” said the woman on the next stool. “I’m celebrating, too.” “What are you celebrating?” she asked, clinking glasses with him. “I’ve been raising chickens, but my hens were all infertile,” he replied, “but today they’re finally fertile.” “What a coincidence,” said the woman. “My husband and I have been trying to have a child for a long time with no luck. But today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant! So what did you do to help your chickens become fertile?” “I switched cocks,” he replied. She smiled. “Small world, isn’t it?”

Little Johnny and Heaven (joke)

The Sunday School teacher asked her class, “Which part of the body gets to heaven first?” Little Suzi quickly raised her hand. “I think it’s your mind, teacher, because you have to have a mind to believe in God.” “Very good, Suzi.” Little Cathy’s hand went up. “I think it’s your heart, teacher, because God is all about love.” “Very good, Cathy.” Little Johnnie’s hand shot up. She thought, “Oh, no,” but called on him anyway. Little Johnnie said, “I think it’s your feet.” The teacher breathed a sigh of relief. “Why do you think people’s feet get to Heaven first, Johnny?” she asked. “Because last night, when I sneaked past my parents’ bedroom, my mom had her feet way up in the air and she was yelling, ‘Oh, God! I’m coming!'”