A young married couple was sleeping in their bedroom when an escaped convict broke into their house and tied up at gunpoint. The husband whispered to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in her skimpy nightgown, “Honey, he just escaped from prison. He hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just go along with anything he wants. Our lives depend on it! If he wants to have sex, just go along and pretend you like it.” His wife hissed back through her gag, “I’m glad you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a great ass!”
Bubba rented an apartment in New York City and went out in the hallway to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady in a robe came out of the next apartment. Bubba smiled, and they struck up a conversation. Talking animatedly, her robe slipped open, making it obvious she had nothing else on. Trying his damnedest to maintain eye contact, poor Bubba eventually broke out in a sweat. A few seconds later, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Come into my apartment. I hear someone coming…” Bubba followed her inside. She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall open completely. She purred, “So, what would you say is my best asset?” The flustered, embarrassed Bubba stammered, cleared his throat and finally squeaked, “Well, you’re sure a pretty lady, but I’d have to say your ears!” She’s astounded! “What? With a body like mine, you say ‘ears?'” “Because, you know, outsideâ€¦ when you said you heard someone comingâ€¦ Hell, lady that was me!”
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl. “Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.”
Every day a man would walk up to a woman in her office, stand very close to her, inhale a deep breath of air, and say, “Your hair sure smells nice!” After a week of this, she reports him to the Human Resources Department. “I want to file a sexual harassment suit against him.” The HR supervisor was puzzled. “I don’t get it. How is a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice sexual harassment?” The woman replied, “It’s Keith. You know, the midget?”
An otherwise happily married couple’s only friction was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. He was loud enough to wake his wife, make her eyes water, and gasp for air. She begged him every morning to stop, but he said he couldn’t and it was natural. “You should see a doctor, then, because someday you’re going to blow your guts out.” Then, one Thanksgiving morning when she arose early to prepare the turkey while he slept in, the turkey innards, neck, gizzard, liver and spare parts gave her a malicious idea. She carried that mess upstairs, gently pulled back the covers, stretched out the elastic waistband of his boxers, emptied the entire bowl inside, and sneaked back downstairs. She later heard him awaken with his usual trumpeting, but this time it was followed by a bloodcurdling scream. She laughed so hard she cried! “That ought to make up for my years of torture!” she thought. Twenty minutes later her husband entered the kitchen with a look of horror on his face, still wearing his stained underwear. She had to bite her lip as she asked, “Honey, what’s wrong?” He said, “I should have listened to you. All these years you’ve warned me.” “About what?” “You always said that someday I’d end up farting my guts out and this morning it finally happened. But, by the grace of God and some Vaseline, I think I got most of it back inside!”
As the groom entered the church, the best man noticed he had the biggest, brightest smile on his face. “Boy, you sure look happy to be getting married.” The groom replied, “Buddy, that’s because I just got the best blow job of my life and I’m here to marry the woman who gave it to me!” In another part of the church, the maid of honor told the bride, “You look happier than I’ve ever seen you.” The bride replied, “Honey, that’s because I just gave my last blow job!”
The biology professor was discussing the high glucose level of semen when a blonde co-ed raised her hand. “Are you saying there’s a lot of sugar in male semen?” “Correct,” responded the professor, adding more statistical material. The same girl raised her hand again. “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?” The entire class burst out laughing, her face turned bright red, she said not a word, picked up her books, and walked straight out of class never to return. As she left, the professor added with a straight face, “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue, not in the back of your throat!”
[tags]funny, joke, blonde joke, comedy, humor[/tags]
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’
Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.’
The minister fainted.
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone.
The second says, “I want to be Madonna and *poof* she’s gone. The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini..” St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he ask “Sara Pipalini;” replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
“No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
Travis had been rather upbeat lately. “What gives?” asked Jim. “Just loving life, Jim. Loving life,” he replied. “Health, togetherness, motivated children, lack of envy: that’s the recipe for a happy life. Plus, we’ve been having more sex than any time in our marriage.” “Wow, that’s pretty good after 25 years, Travis.” “Yes, it is,” he mused. “So much so that Marge has taken to calling it her ‘medicine’.” “Oh, yeah?” said Jim. “Is she swallowing it or taking it as a suppository? “