Superman, patrolling Metropolis on a particularly boring day, spied Wonder Woman on the beach, sunbathing in the nude! Remembering that he was “faster than a speeding bullet,” he wondered if he could score with Wonder Woman before she knew what hit her. He swooped down, finished in an instant, and then flew away wearing a big happy grin. Wonder Woman sat up in the sand. “What in hell was that?!” And the Invisible Man replied, “I don’t know, but my butt hurts!”
Years ago, a man was riding the train from New Orleans , eating a bag of fresh shrimp, ripping them apart, and throwing the shells out the window. The woman sitting opposite him said, “Would you mind not doing that? It’s disgusting to watch.” He replied, “It’s none of your business, hon. I paid my fare and I’ll do what I want.” And he continued until he finished the bag. Full, he settled back for a nap. The woman pulled out her knitting. Soon all the man could hear was that incessant clicking and clacking. Soon he said, “Would you stop that noise? I’m trying to sleep!” She replied, “It’s none of your business. I paid my fare and I’ll do what I want.” The man grabbed her knitting and tossed it out the window. She immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. He started laughing. “You’re gonna get fined for that!” The woman replied, “And you’re going to jail …after the police smell your fingers!”
A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker. Out in the middle of the desert, she started coming on to him. When she offered him some oral pleasure, he pulled over to the side of the road. But once his pants were around his ankles, she pulled out a gun, bound his wrists to his ankles, robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off in his car. After hopping beside the road for miles, a trucker happened along and stopped. “What happened?” asked the trucker and the man explained his plight. The trucker got out of his rig, unzipped his pants, and said, “This just ain’t your day, is it, boy?!”
Jerry brought home a dozen red roses for his wife. “How lovely, dear,” she said. “What’s the occasion?” “I want to make love to you tonight,” he replied. “Oh, not tonight, dear; I have a headache.” The next night, Jerry brought home a big box of chocolates and again explained that he wanted to make love. “I’m awfully tired, honey,” said his wife. “Not tonight.” Every night for a week Jerry brought home a gift, but every night her answer was no. Finally he brought her six black kittens. “How adorable, Jerry,” she exclaimed. “What are they for?” He said, “They’re six pallbearers for your dead pu$$y!”
Military jokes are hilarious because those guys are so darn stiff! Oh – did I just make a funny pun?
A Marine, fresh back from a year at a North African embassy, told his wife, “Honey, I didn’t waste all my time alone over there. Instead, I mastered the art of mind over matter. Watch this!” He dropped his pants and stood naked before her. “Dick, ten-HUT!” And immediately it did. “Dick, at EASE!” And down it went. “That’s amazing,” said his wife. “Would you mind showing that to my friend, Susie?” “Not at all. Go get her.” She left and returned with her hot young next door neighbor. “All right, watch this: Dick, ten-HUT!” Up it went. Then, “Dick, at EASE!” But nothing happened. “Dick, at EASE!” But still nothing. “For the last time, AT EASE!” Nothing. The embarrassed Marine ran to the bathroom while his wife made excuses for him and then headed for the bathroom, where she found him masturbating. “What are you doing?” she demanded. He looked up and replied, “I’m givin’ this son-of-a-b¡tch a dishonorable discharge!”
More G I Laughs: Real Army Humor
Twelve candidates, nearing completion of their studies, were led into the garden for their final exam before becoming a monk. Each stripped naked and tied a small bell to his penis. “Any man whose bell rings has not reached an adequate state of purity,” announced the abbot. A beautiful nude woman was brought out to dance before each of them in turn. She did her best to excite them, but the first candidate had no reaction, nor did the second, nor the third. But the final monk’s bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick it up… and all the other bells went off!
An accountant greeted his rather voluptuous new client and offered her a chair. “Let’s start with the basics. Occupation?” The woman replies, “Whore.” “Oh, no, madam,” said the accountant. “I can’t put that on your tax return.” “Okay. I’m a prostitute.” “No, try again.” “Okay. Call me a chicken farmer.” “Chicken farmer? How’s that?” “Well, last year I raised over 2,000 cocks!”
The Pentagon had too many Generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any General who would retire early his full annual benefits, plus (in some bureaucratic bungle) $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along his body, between two points he chose. General Jones accepted, asking them to measure him from the top of his head to the tip of his toes: 6 feet. He received a bonus of $720,000. General Paul asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to the tip of his toes: nearly 8 feet. He got a $950,000 bonus. But when they asked General Smith where to measure, he dropped his pants and said, “From the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles.” The attending physician placed the tape measure on the tip of General Smith’s penis and began to work back. “My God, man! Where are your testicles?” The General grinned. “Vietnam!”
One day, old Mr. Smith told his nurse that his penis had died. Knowing Mr. Smith was growing senile, she decided to play along. “It did? I am sorry to hear that.” The next day she saw Mr. Smith walking down the nursing home hallway with his penis hanging out of his pants. “Mr. Smith? I thought you told me that your penis had died?” “It did. Today’s the viewing!”
St. Peter asks the Jewish man why he deserves to be in Heaven. He replies, “I’ve been a pious Jew all my life, attended synagogue every Saturday, and I raised a lot of money for Jewish causes.” “And what is your wife’s name?” asks St. Peter. “Penny,” the man replies. “Penny?!” shouts St. Peter. “You Jews are all alike. Money, money, money. You even married a woman whose name has to do with money! Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!” Then St. Peter asks the Irishman why he deserves to be in Heaven. “I’ve been a devout Catholic all my life, attended church every Sunday, given generously to the church, and always took wafers and wine at communion.” “And what’s your wife’s name?” “Brandy.” “Brandy?!! You Irish are all alike. Drink, drink, drink. You even married a woman whose name is a type of alcohol. Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!” With that, the Greek man turns to his wife and says, “Come on, Fanny, let’s get out of hereâ€¦”