Category: Dirty Jokes
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly
calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said
she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for
six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first
night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a
pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”
She replied: “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but
down there I am still mourning.”
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the
same–she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday
suit–but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: “What’s with the black condom?”
He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences…”
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.? Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .? The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.? That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.? A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”? The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”
You Texans are gonna love this…
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing
a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her
turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to
discover that she couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip
her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.? ? Once
again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little
smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and
again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How
dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!” The Texan smiled
and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after
you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, “I bet you can’t tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, “I can cure this.” That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, “This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123′ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
The guy then asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?” The medicine man replies: “All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned — it will not work again for another year!”
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, “123.”
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life … just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, “What did you say 123 for?”
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition.
A woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond necklace. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the necklace?” She replies, “Oh, I won it in a raffle at work. Would you get my bath ready while I start supper, please?” The next day, she arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. “Where did you get the bracelet?” asks her husband, and again she replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Would you get my bath ready while I start supper, please?” The third day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?” She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.” Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub!” He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet!”
Josh lusted after Linda. When she finally agreed to go out with him, he took her out to dinner and then afterwards, drove her five miles out into the country, parked, and said passionately, “I want you right here, right now. Do it… or you can walk home!” Without saying a word, Linda got out of the car and walked home. A month later, after much apologizing, Linda agreed to go out with Josh again. This time he drove ten miles out in the country, parked, and begged, “Please. I must make love to you right now. Do it… or walk home!” Again, Linda walked home. Two months later, after even more apologizing and gifts of flowers and jewelry, she accepted another invitation. This time, just to make sure, Josh drove fifty miles out of town and gave her the same ultimatum. Without a word, Linda undressed and gave him the greatest sex of his young life. As they were driving home, Josh asked, “Why did you walk home the first two dates, when you so obviously enjoy sex?” Linda answered, “Well, it’s like this: I’ll walk five miles or even ten miles to save a friend from gonorrhea, but fifty…”
A male and female whale are swimming off the coast of Japan when they passed under the very whaling ship that killed the male’s father five years before. Excited at the chance to exact revenge for his father’s death, the male says, “Let’s swim right underneath the ship and expel air through our blow holes until we capsize their boat. That ought to make them think twice about killing innocent whales!” The female whale agrees and together they manage to sink the whaler. But their celebration is short-lived when they notice most of the sailors are swimming to shore. “Let’s gobble them up!” cries the male. “No way,” says the female: “I agreed to the blow job, but there’s NO WAY I’m swallowing seamen!”
A young lady answered a personal ad in the paper and arranged a date with a nice-sounding man. At the appointed hour, the doorbell rang. But when she opened the door, she got a surprise: the nice-looking fellow standing there had no arms or legs! “I’m the guy from the ad in the paper.” “Yes, but, but,” she protested. “Oh, you’ve probably noticed my physical challenges. But look at it this way. Since I have no arms, I can’t hit you. Since I have no legs, I can’t run around on you.” She considered all this. “Well, perhaps. And you are handsome. But, can you satisfy my needs?” she said. He replied, “I rang the door bell, didn’t I?!”
The grade school teacher had a new game for her pupils. She told them, “I’m holding something behind my back that’s long and hard and has a pink tip.” I quickly raised my hand. “Is it a pencil, teacher?” “No, lil’ Billy,” she said, “but I like the way you’re thinking.” Billy put his hand in his pants and said, “Teacher, I’m holding something in my pocket that’s round and hard and has a head on it.” She cried, “That’s it! You’re going straight to the principal’s office, Billy!” “Wow,” said Billy, “it’s only a quarter, but I like the way YOU’RE thinking!”