Every day a man would walk up to a woman in her office, stand very close to her, inhale a deep breath of air, and say, “Your hair sure smells nice!” After a week of this, she reports him to the Human Resources Department. “I want to file a sexual harassment suit against him.” The HR supervisor was puzzled. “I don’t get it. How is a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice sexual harassment?” The woman replied, “It’s Keith. You know, the midget?”
Category Archives: Dirty Jokes
The morning ritual (joke)
An otherwise happily married couple’s only friction was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. He was loud enough to wake his wife, make her eyes water, and gasp for air. She begged him every morning to stop, but he said he couldn’t and it was natural. “You should see a doctor, then, because someday you’re going to blow your guts out.” Then, one Thanksgiving morning when she arose early to prepare the turkey while he slept in, the turkey innards, neck, gizzard, liver and spare parts gave her a malicious idea. She carried that mess upstairs, gently pulled back the covers, stretched out the elastic waistband of his boxers, emptied the entire bowl inside, and sneaked back downstairs. She later heard him awaken with his usual trumpeting, but this time it was followed by a bloodcurdling scream. She laughed so hard she cried! “That ought to make up for my years of torture!” she thought. Twenty minutes later her husband entered the kitchen with a look of horror on his face, still wearing his stained underwear. She had to bite her lip as she asked, “Honey, what’s wrong?” He said, “I should have listened to you. All these years you’ve warned me.” “About what?” “You always said that someday I’d end up farting my guts out and this morning it finally happened. But, by the grace of God and some Vaseline, I think I got most of it back inside!”
The Greatest Day (joke)
As the groom entered the church, the best man noticed he had the biggest, brightest smile on his face. “Boy, you sure look happy to be getting married.” The groom replied, “Buddy, that’s because I just got the best blow job of my life and I’m here to marry the woman who gave it to me!” In another part of the church, the maid of honor told the bride, “You look happier than I’ve ever seen you.” The bride replied, “Honey, that’s because I just gave my last blow job!”
The Blonde in Biology Class (blonde joke)
The biology professor was discussing the high glucose level of semen when a blonde co-ed raised her hand. “Are you saying there’s a lot of sugar in male semen?” “Correct,” responded the professor, adding more statistical material. The same girl raised her hand again. “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?” The entire class burst out laughing, her face turned bright red, she said not a word, picked up her books, and walked straight out of class never to return. As she left, the professor added with a straight face, “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue, not in the back of your throat!”
[tags]funny, joke, blonde joke, comedy, humor[/tags]
Grandma’s Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’
Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.’
The minister fainted.
Three Italian Nuns
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone.
The second says, “I want to be Madonna and *poof* she’s gone. The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini..” St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he ask “Sara Pipalini;” replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
……
“No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
Prescription for a good marriage (joke)
Travis had been rather upbeat lately. “What gives?” asked Jim. “Just loving life, Jim. Loving life,” he replied. “Health, togetherness, motivated children, lack of envy: that’s the recipe for a happy life. Plus, we’ve been having more sex than any time in our marriage.” “Wow, that’s pretty good after 25 years, Travis.” “Yes, it is,” he mused. “So much so that Marge has taken to calling it her ‘medicine’.” “Oh, yeah?” said Jim. “Is she swallowing it or taking it as a suppository? “
The “Who Am I” Game (joke)
One Monday morning the UPS guy is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow, Bob,” looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night, the UPS man comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that’s when we started playing, ‘WHO AM I.’”
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play, ‘WHO AM I?’”
“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”
“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up seven times.”
Strolling through Golden Gate Park (joke)
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, “Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?”
“I’m listening to the music of the tree,” the other man replied.
“You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me.”
“No, would you like to give it a try?”
Understandably curious, the man says, “Well, OK…” So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry,car keys, and then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, “What the heck happened to you?”
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said: “This just ain’t gonna be your day, cupcake.”
Two Italian Men
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady idignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”