As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I got embarrassed when I had to perform a pelvic exam. To cover my embarrassment, I unconsciously whistled softly. Suddenly the middle-aged lady upon whom I was working laughed, which further embarrassed me. I looked up and said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?” She replied, “No, doctor, but did you realize you were whistling, ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener’?”

A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation. Her gurney was moved into the corridor by a nurse who then went into the operating room to check if everything was ready. A man in a white coat approached, lifted the sheet, and examined her naked body. He then walked over and talked to another man in a white coat who came over and performed his own examination. When a third man started examining her, she asked, “When will you start my operation?” The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders and said, “I have no idea. We’re just here to paint the corridor!”

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare him an especially nice meal. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love to him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next year, I think there’s a good chance your husband will regain his health.” On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “what did the doctor tell you?” “He says you’re gonna die!”

The co-ed was in her doctor’s office for a checkup. When she took off her blouse, he noticed a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asked the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love.” A few days later, another co-ed came in for a checkup. When she took off her blouse, the doctor noticed a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” he asked. “Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love.” A few days later, a third girl came in for her checkup. When she removed her blouse, he noticed a green “M” on her chest. “I assume you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” he asked. “No,” said the girl, “I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked on a gurney in the hallway when a man in a white coat came by, lifted the sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared. A few minutes later, the same man stopped by again, lifted her sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared. When he appeared a third time, she worked up her courage and asked, “Doctor, will I be going into surgery sometime soon?” And the man replied, “Don’t ask me, lady. I’m just a painter!”

It was time for the elderly man’s annual physical and, after a thorough examination, his doctor told him, “I have good news and bad news, which do you want first?” “Give me the bad news first, Doc.” “You have cancer, it’s inoperable, and you only have about two years to live.” “Oh, God! That’s awful! What could possibly be good news after that?” “You have Alzheimer’s, too. In a few minutes, you won’t remember a thing I’ve told you!”

After nearly forty years in practice, a gynecologist decided to retire to pursue his first love, auto mechanics. He enrolled at the local community college and worked very hard, but worried that he was too old to compete with his younger classmates. Sure enough, on the final exam the other students finished in about two hours, while it took him the full four hours allocated. Afterwards, as he washed up, he asked his teacher about his grade. “I gave you a score of 150 points out of 100 possible,??? said the teacher. “What? How can that be???? “Well, I gave you 50 points for disassembling the engine perfectly, another 50 points for reassembling the engine perfectly, and an additional 50 points for doing the whole damn job through the muffler!???

A woman, pregnant with her first child, was being examined in her obstetrician’s office. “Doctor, my husband wants me to ask you…??? “I know, I know,??? said the doctor, “I get asked this all the time. It’s okay to have sex until late in your pregnancy.??? “No, that’s not it,??? she said. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.???

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

“I should be in charge,” said the brain, “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the blood, “Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach,” Because I process food and give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge,” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”

“I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “Because I allow the body to see where it goes.”

“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “Because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge …

A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs —and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths, “I instructed.”Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart”

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. “Which one?” I asked. “The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered…”Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.”

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.” Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!…………….

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?” She replied, “No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, “I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener”.

Dr. wouldn’t submit his name