Would you take this guy home?
While Moshe was waiting on the train platform, a younger Jewish man asked him for the time but Moshe ignored him. The young man asked again, but again Moshe ignored him. Finally, the frustrated young man asked, “Excuse me, but I’ve asked you for the time twice. Why are you ignoring me?” Moshe glanced over and replied, “Look, friend, we’re both waiting for the train. If I answer you, when we finally get on that train, you’ll probably sit next to me, we’ll start talking, and I’ll probably invite you home for Shabbat, where you’ll meet my daughter. You’ll like her and eventually want to marry her. And to be honest, why would I want a son-in-law who can’t afford a watch?!”
Now here an Irish joke with a twist you won’t expect!
At an Irish wedding, everyone got drunk. The bride’s and groom’s families wrecked the reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting. The next week, both families were in court. The judge asked, “All right now, what happened?” Paddy rose and said, “Judge, I was the best man. I should explain what happened.” “Go ahead, Paddy. Take the stand.” Paddy explaned, “Per tradition, the best man got the first dance with the bride. After I finished my first dance, the music kept playing, so I danced a second song, and then the music kept going some more so I danced a third song. All of a sudden, the groom leapt over the table, ran to us, and gave the bride an unmerciful kick, right between her legs!” The shocked judge said, “By God, that must have hurt!” “Hurt?” replied Paddy, “He broke three of my fingers!”
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady idignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German passed a street juggler performing before a crowd of people. There were so many people that the four yelled, “We can’t see you!” The juggler jumped on top of a box and asked, “Can you see me now?” And the four men said: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja
An old Indian was sitting in front of the hardware store. Every time a pretty woman passed by, he raised his hand and said, “Chance.” One curious woman asked him, “Why is it that whenever a woman walks past, you raise your hand and say ‘Chance?’ I thought Indians raised their hand and said ‘how.'” The old Indian replied, “Me know how. Me hoping for chance!”
Two Irishmen, adrift in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, spied a lamp floating nearby. They retrieved it, and, hoping against hope, rubbed it. Sure enough, a genie appeared. “I will grant you one wish,” said the genie. “One? What about three?” “One or none; take it or leave it!” Without thinking, Pat blurted out, “Turn the ocean into Guinness!” The genie clapped his hands as he disappeared and the entire sea turned into Guinness. As the beer lapped gently against the hull, Mike looked disgusted. “Dammit, Pat. Ya shoulda thought ahead. Now we’re going to have to pee in the damned boat!”
A Texan announces to the crowd in an Irish pub, “I’ll give $500 to any man here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room grows quiet. No one takes him up on his offer, and one man even leaves. Thirty minutes later that same man taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is that bet still good?” he asks. The Texan assures him it is. The bartender starts lining up pints of Guinness, but almost as fast as he can pour, the Irishman chugs them down, easily finishing all ten pints. The pub’s patrons cheer as the Texan reaches for his billfold. “If ya don’t mind ma askin’, where did you disappear to right after I made my bet?” The Irishman replies, “Oh, that? I went to the pub across the street to see if I could do it!”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were drinking in a saloon when a cowboy entered and asked, “Who owns the big white stallion outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up and said, “I do. Why?” The cowboy said, “He looks like he’s about dead!” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was near dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger said, “Tonto, run around Silver and see if you can create enough breeze to cool him off while I get him some fresh water!” Tonto said, “Okay, Kemosabe!” and started running circles around Silver. The Lone Ranger fetched Silver some water, helped him drink, and the returned to the bar. A while later, another cowboy entered the bar and asked, “Who owns the big white stallion outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up again and said, “I do. Now what’s wrong with him?” The cowboy said, “Oh, he’s fine, but you left your Injun runnin’!”
Just when you thought you’d heard all the ethnic Chinese jokes there were – this one comes out of left field!
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said ‘OK take off all your crose. ‘ The woman did as she was told. ‘Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.’ Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said ‘OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.’ So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said ‘Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.’ Worried the woman asked anxiously ‘Oh my God Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?’Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied ‘Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.’
A white man, a black man, and a Mexican man broke out of a Florida prison. Running through the woods, with guard dogs closing in on them, came to a swamp filled with alligators. The white man says, “I’ve got to go for it. If I don’t, the dogs’ll get me.” He didn’t get more than twenty feet when the alligators got him. The black man said, “I’m bigger and stronger than that white dude. I can outswim those gators.” He got about a hundred feet before the alligators got him. The Mexican was afraid to try until the dogs came out of the woods right behind him. Then he jumped in and swam all the way across and got away. A little alligator turned to a bigger alligator and said, “Daddy, why did we eat the first two men, but not the Mexican?” The big alligator replied, “The last time we had Mexican, my a$s burned for days!”