A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.
Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent between the legs o’ me wife.”
When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. “I won the contest for the best toast of the night,” he replied.
She then asked what his toast was. He said, “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent in church with me wife.” “How sweet of you to include me in your toast,” his wife replied.
While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.
“Mornin’ Mrs. Murphy,” he said. “That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize.”
“Well, I’m afraid he wasn’t quite honest with the facts,” Mrs. Murphy replied. “He’s only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
A construction site foreman was interviewing applicants when in came a Norwegian. “I’m not hiring any Norwegians,” thought the foreman, so he made up a little test he was sure the applicant couldn’t pass. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” “Without numbers?” asked the Norwegian. “Dat’s easy!” and he drew three trees. “What’s this?” asked the foreman. “‘Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine!” “Hmm. Fair enough, I guess. Okay, here’s the second question: Without using numbers, represent the number 99.” The Norwegian thought a moment, then made a smudge on each of the trees. “‘Ere you go.” The boss scratched his head. “How on Earth is that supposed to be 99?” “Each tree is dirty, so that’s dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree, which makes 99!” The foreman’s got to come up with some way to stump this Norwegian, so he tried, “All right, same rules, but represent the number 100.” The Norwegian quickly grabbed his pencil, made a little mark at the base of each tree, and said, “Ere you go. A hundred!” The foreman looked dumbfounded. “How in the hell is that a hundred?” The Norwegian pointed to the marks at the base of each tree. “A little doggie just crapped by each tree, so that’s dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turf, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred. Ven do you wan’ me ta start?!”
After only a year in Canada, a Polish man got married to a nice Canadian girl. They got along quite well until the day he rushed into his lawyer’s office and begged him to arrange a quick divorce. The lawyer said, “What are the circumstances? Have you any grounds?” And the Polish immigrant replied, “Ja, ja, ve’ve got an acre and a half with a nice little house.” “No, I mean, what is the foundation of your case?” “It’s made of concrete.” “Does either of you have a grudge?” “No, but we have a big carport.” “I mean, what are your relations like?” “All my relations are in Poland.” “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, we have high fidelity stereo and a CD player.” “No, I mean, does your wife beat you up? “No, I get up before her.” “Is your wife a nagger?” “What? No, she’s white.” “Why do you want this divorce anyway?” “She’s gonna kill me. She’s going to poison me.” “Really? What makes you think so?” “I’ve got proof.” “What kind of proof?” “She brought home a bottle from the drug store that says, ‘Polish Remover!'”
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
Would you take this guy home?
While Moshe was waiting on the train platform, a younger Jewish man asked him for the time but Moshe ignored him. The young man asked again, but again Moshe ignored him. Finally, the frustrated young man asked, “Excuse me, but I’ve asked you for the time twice. Why are you ignoring me?” Moshe glanced over and replied, “Look, friend, we’re both waiting for the train. If I answer you, when we finally get on that train, you’ll probably sit next to me, we’ll start talking, and I’ll probably invite you home for Shabbat, where you’ll meet my daughter. You’ll like her and eventually want to marry her. And to be honest, why would I want a son-in-law who can’t afford a watch?!”
Now here an Irish joke with a twist you won’t expect!
At an Irish wedding, everyone got drunk. The bride’s and groom’s families wrecked the reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting. The next week, both families were in court. The judge asked, “All right now, what happened?” Paddy rose and said, “Judge, I was the best man. I should explain what happened.” “Go ahead, Paddy. Take the stand.” Paddy explaned, “Per tradition, the best man got the first dance with the bride. After I finished my first dance, the music kept playing, so I danced a second song, and then the music kept going some more so I danced a third song. All of a sudden, the groom leapt over the table, ran to us, and gave the bride an unmerciful kick, right between her legs!” The shocked judge said, “By God, that must have hurt!” “Hurt?” replied Paddy, “He broke three of my fingers!”
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady idignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German passed a street juggler performing before a crowd of people. There were so many people that the four yelled, “We can’t see you!” The juggler jumped on top of a box and asked, “Can you see me now?” And the four men said: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja
An old Indian was sitting in front of the hardware store. Every time a pretty woman passed by, he raised his hand and said, “Chance.” One curious woman asked him, “Why is it that whenever a woman walks past, you raise your hand and say ‘Chance?’ I thought Indians raised their hand and said ‘how.'” The old Indian replied, “Me know how. Me hoping for chance!”
Two Irishmen, adrift in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, spied a lamp floating nearby. They retrieved it, and, hoping against hope, rubbed it. Sure enough, a genie appeared. “I will grant you one wish,” said the genie. “One? What about three?” “One or none; take it or leave it!” Without thinking, Pat blurted out, “Turn the ocean into Guinness!” The genie clapped his hands as he disappeared and the entire sea turned into Guinness. As the beer lapped gently against the hull, Mike looked disgusted. “Dammit, Pat. Ya shoulda thought ahead. Now we’re going to have to pee in the damned boat!”