Category Archives: Funny Jokes

Pricing a Lexus

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it.

As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn’t pop up right now.

But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, ‘Good day, Ma dame. How may we help you today?’

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle? ‘

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, ‘Madame, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you’ll shit when you hear the price.’

Getting home late (joke)

Leaving the poker party late as usual, two friends compared notes. “I can never fool her,” the first complained. “I turn off the car’s engine, coast into the garage, slip off my shoes, sneak upstairs, undress in the bathroom… but my wife always wakes up and yells at me for staying out late.” “You’re doing it wrong, my friend,” his buddy replied. “I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a little?’ and she always pretends to be asleep!”

The Intruder (joke)

A young married couple was sleeping in their bedroom when an escaped convict broke into their house and tied up at gunpoint. The husband whispered to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in her skimpy nightgown, “Honey, he just escaped from prison. He hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just go along with anything he wants. Our lives depend on it! If he wants to have sex, just go along and pretend you like it.” His wife hissed back through her gag, “I’m glad you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a great ass!”

I Hurt All Over (blonde joke)

“Doc, you’ve got to help me,” said the cute young redhead. “I hurt all over.” “What do you mean?” asked the doctor. She touched her right knee with her finger. “Ow, that hurts.” She touched her left cheek. “Ow, that really hurts!” Then she touched her shoulder. “OW! Even THAT hurts!” The doctor grew suspicious. “Are you a natural blonde?” he asked. “Why, yes,” she replied. “how did you know?” “Oh, lucky guess,” said the doctor. “You have a sprained finger.”

In the recovery room (joke)

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, “Do you have health insurance?” He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.” The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, “No money in the bank.” The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?” He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.” The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

Jeeves the Butler (joke)

A wealthy couple, going out for the evening, gave their butler the night off. “We’ll be home late, Jeeves. Enjoy your evening.” However, the wife developed a headache, so she returned home alone. As she entered her house, she found Jeeves sitting by himself. “Jeeves, follow me.” And she led him to her bedroom and closed the door. “Jeeves, take off my dress.” He did so carefully. “Jeeves, take off my stockings and garter belt.” He silently obeyed. “Jeeves, remove my bra and panties.” He did, while the tension mounted. Finally, she said, “Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”

The Annual Physical (joke)

George was in for his annual physical. “George, everything looks great for a 70-year-old man, but how are you doing mentally, emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself? Do you have a good relationship with God?” George replied, “God and I just fine. Why, when I get up in the middle of the night, he turns on the light before I go to the bathroom and then when I’m done, he turns it back off again.” This puzzled the Doctor, so he called George’s wife. “Thelma, George is just fine physically, but I’m concerned something he said. He said when he gets up during the night, God turns on the light before he goes to the bathroom, then turns it back off again when he’s done.” Thelma just groaned. “That old fool! He’s peeing in the ‘fridge again!”

Old Man Speeding (joke)

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

‘Amazing,’ he thought as he flew down I-70, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, ‘What am I doing? I’m too old for this,’ and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, ‘Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.

If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.’

The old gentleman paused. Then said, ‘Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.’

‘Have a good day, sir,’ replied the trooper.

One for the history books (joke)

A pair of two-thousand-year-old statues in the center of a Roman park was struck by lighting, causing them to come to life. The naked male statue ran to the naked female statue. “Have you been thinking what I’ve been thinking these centuries?” “Oh, yes,” she whispered, “let’s do it!” and they raced off together into the bushes. When they emerged, the male statue gazed longingly back at the bushes and whispered, “You know, it may be centuries before this happens again. Want to do it again?” “Sure,” gushed the female statue, “but this time, you hold the pigeon down while I crap on him!”

Nymphomaniac Convention (joke)

A man took his seat aboard the plane and as he settled in, he saw a beautiful woman headed straight for him. A wave of nervous anticipation washed over him. Sure enough, she sat right beside him. He attempted conversation with, “So where are you headed today?” She turned, flashed a gorgeous smile, and said, “Chicago, for the big Nymphomaniac Convention.” Whoa! He swallowed hard, and was instantly aroused! The most gorgeous woman he’s ever seen is sitting right beside him and she’s going to a nymphomaniac convention! Struggling to keep his cool, he asked, “Oh really? What’s your role there?” She flipped back her lovely hair and looked deep into his eyes. “I’m one of the featured speakers. I debunk popular myths about sexuality.” “Really? What myths?” “Well, one is that African American men are the best endowed, when in fact it is the Native American. Another myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when in reality it is the Jew.” Suddenly, the woman became self-conscious. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I didn’t mean to make you feel awkward discussing things like this with you. Why, I don’t even know your name!” The man extended his hand and smiled. “Tonto; Tonto Goldberg.”