Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to successfully battle the pirate boarding party. Later, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” And once again the battle was on. This time they repelled both boarding parties. That night, the men sat around on deck celebrating the day’s victories. An ensign asked the Captain, “Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?” “Ensign, if I were wounded in battle, the red shirt would hide the blood and my men will continue the fight, unafraid.” The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a Captain. As dawn broke, the lookout screamed there were ten pirate ships, all with boarding parties on their way. The men fell silent and looked to the Captain. The Captain, always calm, ordered, “Bring me my brown trousers!”
Category Archives: Funny Jokes
Open season on nerds (joke)
A truck driver hauling a container load of computers out of Silicon Valley stops at a café for a cup of coffee. As he enters, he follows a nerdy guy with tape on his glasses and a pocket protector. The proprietor doesn’t say a word, but pulls out a shotgun and blows the geek away. “Why’d you do that?” cried the truck driver. “Oh, don’t worry, since the nerds have overpopulated Silicon Valley, they’re in open season. You don’t even need a license!” The driver finishes his coffee, gets back in his truck, and as he heads out of the driveway, his load shifts, his back door opens and his load of computers spills out all over the road. Immediately a huge crowd of nerds forms, grabbing his computers. Remembering the incident in the café, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away until a cop arrives and orders him to stop. “What’s wrong, officer? I thought it was open season on nerds?” “Well, yeah,” replied the cop. “But it ain’t fair to bait ’em!”
The Nun in the Liquor Store
The nunnery was only a block away from Jack’s Liquor Store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine. “Hello, Jack. give me a pint o’ the brandy.” “Sister Mary Katherine,” exclaimed Jack, “I can no’ do that! I can’t sell alcohol to a nun!” “Oh, Jack,” she responded, “it’s for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped, “For her constipation, don’t you know?” So Jack sold her the brandy. That night, as Jack walked home, he passed the nunnery, and spied Sister Mary Katherine on the sidewalk, snookered out of her gourd, singing, dancing, whirling around, flapping her arms like a bird. Jack pushed through the gathering crowd. “Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you said it was for Mother Superior’s constipation!” Sister Mary Katherine didn’t miss a beat. “And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me drunk-as-a-skunk, she’s gonna sh*t!”
Four Marriages (joke)
One woman asked another how many times she’d been married. The reply was four. “Four times?” exclaimed the first woman, “why so many?” “Well, my first husband was a wonderful man who was a banker. But one day shortly after we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed.” “Oh, my dear, that’s tragic,” said the first woman. “Well, it’s not that bad. Soon after, I met a circus performer. He was a wonderful man, a really great guy, but he lived dangerously, performing his high-wire act without a net. One day shortly after we were married, a gust of wind blew him off the wire and he too was killed.” “Your second husband was killed too?! That’s tragic!” “Well, it’s not that bad. After the funeral, I started talking with the minister, we hit it off and fell in love. But shortly after we were married, he was walking to church one Sunday morning when he was hit by a car and killed.” “Three? Three husbands in a row killed? What a tragedy!” “Well yes, that was tough, but it’s not that bad. Shortly thereafter I met my present husband. He’s a wonderful man and I think this time it will really last. You see, he’s a mortician.” “A mortician? What does that have to do with it?” “Well, it seems obvious: one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!”