A guy is about three steps inside a bar when he realizes it’s a gay bar. “What the heck? I really want a drink,” he thinks, and sits down. A waiter approaches and says, “what’s the name of your penis?” The guy says, “look, buddy, I’m not into that. All I want is a drink.” The waiter says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t serve you until you give me the name of your penis.” So the customer says, “all right, you go first: what’s the name of your penis?” The waiter says “Nike… as in, ‘Just Do It.'” The guy only thinks a moment, then says, “my penis is called ‘Secret.'” “Secret?” “Yeah… strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!”
Category Archives: Funny Jokes
Nuns Final Confession (joke)
Nuns are expected to make one final confession before being admitted to Heaven to become angels. When several nuns died together in a car accident, they formed a line waiting to be absolved of their sins before being made holy. “And so,” asked St. Peter of the first nun, “have you ever had any contact with a penis?” “Well, ” she replied, “Once I did touch just the tip of one with the tip of my finger.” “Okay,” said St. Peter, “dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into Heaven.” The next nun admitted, “Well, once I sort of massaged one a bit.” “Okay,” said St. Peter, “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into Heaven.” Suddenly there was a jostling in the line. “What’s going on here?” St. Peter asked as two nuns jockeyed for position in line. “Well, your excellency, if I’m gonna have to gargle, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in!”
Little Lucy and the dead Cat (joke)
Little Lucy found her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs stiff in the air. “Daddy! What’s wrong with Tiddles?” Daddy gently said, “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.” “But why are his legs sticking up in the air, Daddy?” asked Lucy, as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say, he replied, “Well, ah, Tiddles’ legs are pointing up because that makes it easier for Jesus to pick her up and take her back to heaven.” Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death pretty well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy almost died this morning!” “What? What happened, Lucy? Tell Daddy!” “Well,” mumbled Lucy, “this morning I found Mommy lying on the kitchen floor with her legs straight up in the air, shouting, ‘Oh, Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!’ It’s a good thing the mailman was holding her down or she’d have gone to heaven!”
Old School Date (joke)
In the Spring of 1957, Bobby, a real cool cat with his own wheels, went to pick up his date. “Carrie’s not ready yet, Bobby. Why don’t you have a seat?” says her dad. “Okay,” says Bobby. “What are you two kids planning to do tonight?” Bobby replies politely, “Oh, we’ll probably go to the soda shop or maybe take in a movie.” “Why don’t you two go out and screw?” asks Carrie’s dad. “I hear all the kids are doing it.” Bobby is taken aback. “Wha, what did you say?” he stammered. Her dad repeated, “I say, Carrie really likes to screw. Why she’d screw all night if her mother and I would let her!” Bobby’s eyes lit up. The evening was shaping up nicely. Eventually Carrie bopped down the stairs in her cute little poodle skirt and announced she was ready to go. Bobby eagerly escorted her out the front door. Not twenty minutes later, Carrie raced back into the house, slammed the door, and screamed at her father. “Dammit, Daddy! It’s called ‘The TWIST!'”