Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door: “Bring $50,000 to the 18th hole of your country club tomorrow by high noon if you ever want to see your wife alive again.” But it was well after 1:00 PM before he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man summoned him over behind a bush and demanded, “You’re an hour late! What took you so long?” “Give me a break!” said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. “I’m a 26 handicap!”

Two women were paired together in the club tournament. They met for the first time on the tee, introduced themselves, and traded handicaps. “My handicap is 9. What’s yours?” “Oh, I’m a scratch golfer,” replied the other. “Really?” said the first, impressed. “Yeah. I write down my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!”

A man decided to take up golf, so he signed up for lessons with the local pro. The pro showed him the proper stance and grip and swing and then said, “Now just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.??? The novice teed up and smacked a beauty, straight down the fairway, onto the green, stopping inches from the hole. “Now what???? the man asked the shocked pro. “Uh, you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup.??? “Oh, great!??? said the beginner in a disgusted tone. “Now you tell me!???

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes
into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro
is…”Top o’the mornin to ya”.

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

“So what are those things, laddie?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.

“And what would ya be usin’ ’em for, now?” Inquires the Irishman.

“Well, they’re for resting my balls on when I drive.” replies Tiger.

“Aw, Jaysus, Mary an’ Joseph!” exclaims the Irish attendant. “Those fellas
at Mercedes think of everything.”

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asks the Mother Superior.

“I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother.

We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer and was a full scholarship student at the university before I dedicated my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed.

“So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister.

“In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.

“You must t ell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother;? 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother.

“How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized Mother.

“But I didn’t, Mother Superior!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my
ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… “You missed the f*#$ing putt, didn’t you?”

Four old geezers came into the pro shop after playing 18 holes and were exhausted. The pro asked if they had a good game and the first old guy said, “Pretty good. I had three riders today.” The second old guy said, “I had five riders.” The third old man said, “I had seven riders, same as last time.” The fourth said, “I beat my old record. I had twelve riders. I’ll buy!” After they shuffled into the bar, another member said to the pro, “I’ve played golf for years and thought I knew all the lingo, but what in the heck is a ‘rider’?” The pro replied, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get back in the golf cart and ride to it!”

Caddyshack

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf…..Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.”

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”

“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.

“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you… You see, I’m a genie , and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!” “And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.

“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.

“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”

“And now,” the couple asked in unison, what’s your wish, genie?”

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”

The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”
“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. I’d do the same for you!”

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.

“NO SHIT.” He said, “Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”