An Irish golfer slices his tee shot into the woods. Looking for it, he finds it near a tiny man lying near a bush with this huge knot on his head. The golfer revives the leprechaun. When he awakes, he says, “I will grant you three wishes.” The man replies, “I want nothing from you. I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you.” and walks away. The leprechaun says, “He was a nice guy and, after all, he did catch me. I should do something nice for him. I’ll just give him the three most common wishes: unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.” A year later, the same golfer hits a great shot on the same hole on the same course, but decides to check out the woods anyway. Sure enough, there’s the same leprechaun. “How are you?” he asks. The leprechaun says, “I’m fine! How’s your golf game?” “It’s great! Every round Iâ€™m under par!” “I did that for you,” responds the leprechaun. “And how’s your financial condition?” “Amazing. Ever since I met you, every time I reach into my pocket, there’s money there.” “I did that for you, too!” responds the leprechaun. “So how’s your sex life?” Now the golfer looks at the ground. “Well, maybe once or twice a week.” The leprechaun is floored. “Once or twice a week?! That’s all?” “Well, that’s not too bad for a small town Catholic priest!”
A man staggers into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped around his neck. “What happened?” “I was playing golf with my wife when she sliced her ball out of bounds and into a cow pasture. We went looking for it and, after a while I noticed one of the cows had something white near its tail. I walked over, lifted up its tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt! And that’s when things went horribly wrong.” “What happened?” asks the doctor. “I lifted its tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, honey! This looks like yours!'”
The husband’s tee shot went far right, while the wife’s went far left. She finally found her ball in a patch of
buttercups. She took several practice swings and then hit a nice ball back onto the fairway, but in the process,
she hacked the hell out of the buttercups. As she returned to her bag, a woman appeared out of nowhere. “I’m Mother
Nature and I resent the way you treated my buttercups. As punishment, from this moment on you will hate the taste
of butter. Each time you eat it you’ll become nauseous.” Mother Nature then vanished as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife yelled to her husband, “Honey! Where are you?” “I’m over here …in the pussy willows.” She
screamed, “Hold your swing! HOLD YOUR SWING!!”
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.
The Pope then met with the College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.”Â Your Holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world.”
The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked, “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” “None who plays golf very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But,” he added, “There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can arrange to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match.”
Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,” said the golfer.
“Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.
“Well, Your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I have played some terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
“How can there be bad news?” the Pope asked.
“I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods.”
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door: “Bring $50,000 to the 18th hole of your country club tomorrow by high noon if you ever want to see your wife alive again.” But it was well after 1:00 PM before he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man summoned him over behind a bush and demanded, “You’re an hour late! What took you so long?” “Give me a break!” said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. “I’m a 26 handicap!”
Two women were paired together in the club tournament. They met for the first time on the tee, introduced themselves, and traded handicaps. “My handicap is 9. What’s yours?” “Oh, I’m a scratch golfer,” replied the other. “Really?” said the first, impressed. “Yeah. I write down my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!”
A man decided to take up golf, so he signed up for lessons with the local pro. The pro showed him the proper stance and grip and swing and then said, “Now just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.??? The novice teed up and smacked a beauty, straight down the fairway, onto the green, stopping inches from the hole. “Now what???? the man asked the shocked pro. “Uh, you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup.??? “Oh, great!??? said the beginner in a disgusted tone. “Now you tell me!???
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes
into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro
is…”Top o’the mornin to ya”.
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
“So what are those things, laddie?” asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.
“And what would ya be usin’ ’em for, now?” Inquires the Irishman.
“Well, they’re for resting my balls on when I drive.” replies Tiger.
“Aw, Jaysus, Mary an’ Joseph!” exclaims the Irish attendant. “Those fellas
at Mercedes think of everything.”
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asks the Mother Superior.
“I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer and was a full scholarship student at the university before I dedicated my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed.
“So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister.
“In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
“You must t ell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother;? 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother.
“How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized Mother.
“But I didn’t, Mother Superior!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my
ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… “You missed the f*#$ing putt, didn’t you?”
A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a fine looking blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at
him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many curious glances from her, he said, ‘It’s golf balls.’
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she inquired, ‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?’