Archive for 'Husband Jokes' Category
Nine Words Women Use (joke)
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch [...]
The celebration (joke)
A farmer dropped by the local tavern, ordered a cold one and said, “This is a special day. I’m celebrating.” “What a coincidence,” said the woman on the next stool. “I’m celebrating, too.” “What are you celebrating?” she asked, clinking glasses with him. “I’ve been raising chickens, but my hens were all infertile,” he replied, [...]
Divorce Court (joke)
The wife appeared before the judge and said, “I want a divorce.” The judge said, “Why do you want a divorce?” “Because my husband is a terrible lover.” “How long have you been married?” “Fourteen years.” “I don’t understand,” said the judge. “Why wait fourteen years to divorce your husband if he’s a terrible lover?” [...]
Losing hand at Poker
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz lost $500 on a single hand, clutched his chest and dropped dead, still sitting at the table. Finkelstein looks around and asked, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?” They drew straws and Goldberg lost. “Be discreet, Goldberg,” they said. “Don’t make a bad [...]
The Obituary
A woman went to the newspaper to publish an obituary for her recently deceased husband. The editor informed her the charge was 50 cents per word. She paused and then said, “How about, ‘William MacKinney died’?” Amused by the woman’s thrift, the editor told her that there was a seven-word minimum. She paused again and [...]
The Miracle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically? telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it [...]
No Peeking!
The bride had carefully packed a long white silk nightgown for her honeymoon, but her sister secretly replaced it with a sexy little pink number she thought better suited to a couple’s first night together. In the hotel, she went into the bathroom to change leaving her new husband on the bed. “No fair peeking!” [...]
Honey, don’t stop
A married couple was lying in bed together. Suddenly she felt his hand on her shoulder. She murmured gently, “Ah… nice.” His hand moved to her breast. She grew more excited, “Sweetie, that’s wonderful.” His hand moved to her leg. She moaned, “Honey, don’t stop!” But then he stopped. “Why did you stop?” He responded [...]
You’re Gonna Die!!
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be [...]
How Long Before I can get a Haircut?
A guy sticks his head in the barbershop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.” The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door again. “How long before I can get [...]
