A woman walked out of Starbucks with her morning coffee and was taken aback by an unusual funeral procession. One long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse, which was followed by a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash, who was followed by at least 200 more women in a long single file. Her curiosity got the better of her, so she respectfully approached the woman with the dog. “I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sure this is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it???? “Well, that first hearse contains my husband.??? “Oh, I’m so sorry. What happened to him???? “My dog here attacked and killed him.??? “That’s terrible. But, who is in the second hearse???? “My mother-in-law. She tried to help my husband, but my dog turned on her, too.??? A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. “Could I borrow your dog???? “Sure. Get in line!???
Category Archives: Husband Jokes
Just Slip One In…
A woman complained to her friend that her husband was losing interest in sex. Her friend told her she should get him on Viagra. “Oh, Henry would never take anything like that! He’s too proud.??? “Here, just take some of mine. Slip one into his mashed potatoes at dinner tonight and he’ll never know what hit him!??? At dinner, she thinks, “Maybe one won’t be enough???? and slips in a handful. The next day, she called her friend. “You were right. It worked great! I slipped a bunch of them in his potatoes just like you said, and, not five minutes later, he jumped up, raked the dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped off my clothes, and made wild, passionate love right there on the table!??? Her friend was worried. “Oh, dear. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have given you so many.??? “Oh, don’t worry about it. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway!???
The Tenth Husband
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.??? “What???? said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times???? “Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was…God I miss him! …But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!??? “Good,??? said the lawyer, “but, why???? “Duh; you’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!???
At the Auction
A farmer and his wife were at livestock auction. The auctioneer announced the first bull had reproduced 60 times last year. The wife leans over to her husband and says, “Wow. That’s 5 times a month!??? When it was sold, the auctioneer announced the second bull had reproduced 120 times last year. The wife leans over to her husband and says, “Wow. That’s 10 times a month!??? When it was sold, the auctioneer announced the third bull had reproduced 365 times last year!??? The wife again leans over to her husband and gloats, “Wow. That’s once a day, every single day of the year! What’s wrong with you, honey???? Finally the irritated husband had had enough. “Nothin’. Once a day is fine! But why don’t you go ask that auctioneer if every day that bull had to do it with the same old cow!???
Shopping for a Gift
Shopping for a gift for his wife, a man asked the perfume clerk to show him some “really nice perfume.” She brought out a bottle costing $150. “Whoa! That’s a lot of money,” he moaned. “Maybe something that’s just a little less nice?” So she showed him a bottle that cost $100. “That’s still too much,” he complained. “Can you show me something really cheap?” So the clerk brought out a mirror!
Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker for Women 3.4 oz Eau de Parfum Spray
Newlyweds
The newlyweds were ready for bed when the new husband said, “Honey, now that we’re married, it’s okay for me to see your body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?” She opened her robe and revealed her naked body. He said, “You are so beautiful. May I take a picture?” “Why?” she asked. “Because I love you so much I want to keep your picture next to my heart!” She allowed him to take a picture but then said, “Honey, now that we’re married, it’s okay for me to see your body, too. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?” He agreed and showed her his naked body. She asked, “May I take a picture too?” “Why?” “Because I want to get it enlarged!”
The Spouse Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened i n New York City , where a woman can go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the husband store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – these men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.
“Oh mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” She goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the husband store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Pancakes
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be? in good health, they were concerned about his rather small privates.? After? examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes.? That should solve the problem.”? The next? morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm? pancakes in the middle of the table.? “Gee,? Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?”? “Just take? two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
Do You Have a Vagina?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there
He asks the lady,
‘Do you have a vagina?’
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,
‘Do you have a vagina?’
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
‘Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.’
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.’
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
‘Do you have vagina’?
‘Yes, actually I have one,’ she says.
The man replies..
‘Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’
Dick Auction
Wife : “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.”
Husband : “How about the ones like mine?”
Wife : “They gave those away.”
Husband : “I had a dream too…I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.”
Wife : “And how much for the ones like mine?”
Husband : “That’s where they held the auction.”