A farmer dropped by the local tavern, ordered a cold one and said, “This is a special day. I’m celebrating.” “What a coincidence,” said the woman on the next stool. “I’m celebrating, too.” “What are you celebrating?” she asked, clinking glasses with him. “I’ve been raising chickens, but my hens were all infertile,” he replied, “but today they’re finally fertile.” “What a coincidence,” said the woman. “My husband and I have been trying to have a child for a long time with no luck. But today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant! So what did you do to help your chickens become fertile?” “I switched cocks,” he replied. She smiled. “Small world, isn’t it?”
The wife appeared before the judge and said, “I want a divorce.” The judge said, “Why do you want a divorce?” “Because my husband is a terrible lover.” “How long have you been married?” “Fourteen years.” “I don’t understand,” said the judge. “Why wait fourteen years to divorce your husband if he’s a terrible lover?” She said, “Because, your honor, until that salesman stopped by last week, I didn’t know!”
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz lost $500 on a single hand, clutched his chest and dropped dead, still sitting at the table. Finkelstein looks around and asked, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?” They drew straws and Goldberg lost. “Be discreet, Goldberg,” they said. “Don’t make a bad situation worse.” “Discreet?” he replied. “Discretion is my middle name.” Goldberg went to Meyerwitz’s apartment and knocked on the door. The wife answered the door and asked, “What are you doing here, Goldberg?” Goldberg said, “Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.” “Tell him to drop dead!” said the wife. “Okay. I’ll go do that!” said Goldberg.
A woman went to the newspaper to publish an obituary for her recently deceased husband. The editor informed her the charge was 50 cents per word. She paused and then said, “How about, ‘William MacKinney died’?” Amused by the woman’s thrift, the editor told her that there was a seven-word minimum. She paused again and then said, “Okay, how about ‘William MacKinney died. Golf clubs for sale’?”
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically? telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds”.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I asked.
“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.
I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”
Without missing a beat he says “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”
He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
The bride had carefully packed a long white silk nightgown for her honeymoon, but her sister secretly replaced it with a sexy little pink number she thought better suited to a couple’s first night together. In the hotel, she went into the bathroom to change leaving her new husband on the bed. “No fair peeking!” she said. But when she unpacked her suitcase and found the wrong nightgown, she gasped, “Oh! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!” And he called through the bathroom door, “I thought you said no peeking!”
A married couple was lying in bed together. Suddenly she felt his hand on her shoulder. She murmured gently, “Ah… nice.” His hand moved to her breast. She grew more excited, “Sweetie, that’s wonderful.” His hand moved to her leg. She moaned, “Honey, don’t stop!” But then he stopped. “Why did you stop?” He responded with a click, “Because I found the remote!”
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare him an especially nice meal. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love to him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next year, I think there’s a good chance your husband will regain his health.” On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “what did the doctor tell you?” “He says you’re gonna die!”
A guy sticks his head in the barbershop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.” The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door again. “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About an hour and a half.” The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door again. “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About an hour.” The guy leaves. The barber says to one of his buddies in the shop, “Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes.” In a little while, Bill returns. The barber asks, “So, Bill. Where did he go?” Bill replied, laughing hysterically, “To your house!”
Four fathers-to-be killed time in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. A nurse announced to the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins.??? “What a coincidence,??? said the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins.??? Soon the nurse returned and said to the second man, “Congratulations, sir. You’re the father of triplets.??? “Wow, what a coincidence,??? he answered. “I work for 3M.??? Soon the nurse returned and said to the third man, “Congratulations, sir. You’re the father of quadruplets!??? He was so stunned he couldn’t speak. “Another coincidence???? asked the nurse. Regaining his composure, he said, “Yes. I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.??? Suddenly everyone looked at the fourth man, who was whispering the same phrase over and over: “I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven….???