Archive for 'Husband Jokes' Category
The Miracle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically? telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it [...]
No Peeking!
The bride had carefully packed a long white silk nightgown for her honeymoon, but her sister secretly replaced it with a sexy little pink number she thought better suited to a couple’s first night together. In the hotel, she went into the bathroom to change leaving her new husband on the bed. “No fair peeking!” [...]
Honey, don’t stop
A married couple was lying in bed together. Suddenly she felt his hand on her shoulder. She murmured gently, “Ah… nice.” His hand moved to her breast. She grew more excited, “Sweetie, that’s wonderful.” His hand moved to her leg. She moaned, “Honey, don’t stop!” But then he stopped. “Why did you stop?” He responded [...]
You’re Gonna Die!!
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be [...]
How Long Before I can get a Haircut?
A guy sticks his head in the barbershop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.” The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door again. “How long before I can get [...]
Hospital Waiting Room
Four fathers-to-be killed time in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. A nurse announced to the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins.??? “What a coincidence,??? said the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins.??? Soon the nurse returned and said to the second man, “Congratulations, sir. You’re the [...]
Terrible Accident
A man was in a terrible auto accident that chopped off his penis. He went to the penis transplant hospital where a doctor examined him, pronounced him a perfect candidate for transplant surgery, and asked him what sort of replacement he desired. “We have your former size for $3,000, a medium size for $6,000, or [...]
The Funeral Procession
A woman walked out of Starbucks with her morning coffee and was taken aback by an unusual funeral procession. One long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse, which was followed by a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash, who was followed by at least 200 more women in a [...]
Just Slip One In…
A woman complained to her friend that her husband was losing interest in sex. Her friend told her she should get him on Viagra. “Oh, Henry would never take anything like that! He’s too proud.??? “Here, just take some of mine. Slip one into his mashed potatoes at dinner tonight and he’ll never know what [...]
The Tenth Husband
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.??? “What???? said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times???? “Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great [...]
