Category Archives: Irish Jokes

The Irishman’s Wish

Ir you’re Irish – this joke should bring a smile to your face!

An Irishman walking along the beach found a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up, brushed it off, and out popped a genie. “Since you have freed me from this bottle, I will grant you three wishes.” The Irishman thought a moment and said, “I’m feeling a might thirsty. I think I’ll wish for a pint of stout.” And poof! there was a pint of stout in his hand. He drank it down and started to toss the bottle away, when the genie said, “Look at that bottle before you throw it away.” He did and watched as it magically refilled itself with stout. “That’s a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever you empty it. So what are your other wishes?” The Irishman grinned. “I’ll be taking two more of these!”

Irish wishes (joke)

Irish Joke An Irishman walking along the beach found a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up, brushed it off, and out popped a genie. “Since you have freed me from this bottle, I will grant you three wishes.” The Irishman thought a moment and said, “I’m feeling a might thirsty. I think I’ll wish for a pint of stout.” And poof! there was a pint of stout in his hand. He drank it down and started to toss the bottle away, when the genie said, “Look at that bottle before you throw it away.” He did and watched as it magically refilled itself with stout. “That’s a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever you empty it. So what are your other wishes?” The Irishman grinned. “I’ll be taking two more of these!”

The Irish Good Samaritan

Paddy Reilly and his wife were awakened at 4:00 AM by a loud pounding on the door. Paddy gets up and goes to the door where an inebriated stranger, standing in the pouring rain. is asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says Paddy, “It’s 3:00 in the morning.” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asks his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push.” says Paddy.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No I did not. It’s 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”

“Well. You have a short memory,”says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and these two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself.”

Paddy does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out in the dark: “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes” comes the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out Paddy.

“Yes, please.” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks Paddy.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

The Irishman’s Three Wishes

An Irishman walking along the beach found a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up, brushed it off, and out popped a genie. “Since you have freed me from this bottle, I will grant you three wishes.” The Irishman thought a moment and said, “I’m feeling a might thirsty. I think I’ll wish for a pint of stout.” And poof! there was a pint of stout in his hand. He drank it down and started to toss the bottle away, when the genie said, “Look at that bottle before you throw it away.” He did and watched as it magically refilled itself with stout. “That’s a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever you empty it. So what are your other wishes?” The Irishman grinned. “I’ll be taking two more of these!”

Water to Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.? He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord!? ? He’s done it again!”

I’ve lost me luggage

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K.? Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.? An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

“No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!”

“How’d that happen?”

“The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

Goin’ to the Store…

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

“S’cuse me”, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, “What was that all about?”

“Nothin’, said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!”

Two Irishmen A Fishin’

Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled upon an old lamp. Secretly hoping a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To Patrick’s amazement, a genie came forth.? This particular genie, however, could grant only one wish, instead of the standard three wishes.? Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness beer!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as Patrick and Michael considered their circumstances. Abruptly, Michael turned to Patrick, whose wish had been granted.

After a tension-filled moment, he spoke:? “Nice going Patrick, now we are going to have to pee in the boat!”

Irish Toast

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ya now. And what was your toast?”

John replied, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.? The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.? You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years.? Once he fell asleep, and another time… I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

Two Irishmen A-Fishin’

Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s
provisions, Patrick stumbled upon an old lamp. Secretly hoping a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To Patrick’s amazement, a genie came
forth.? This particular genie, however, could grant only one wish, instead of the standard three wishes.? Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness beer!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as Patrick and Michael considered their
circumstances. Abruptly, Michael turned to Patrick, whose wish had been granted.

After a tension-filled moment, he spoke:? “Nice going Patrick, now we are going to have to pee in the boat!”