Two Irishmen, adrift in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, spied a lamp floating nearby. They retrieved it, and, hoping against hope, rubbed it. Sure enough, a genie appeared. “I will grant you one wish,” said the genie. “One? What about three?” “One or none; take it or leave it!” Without thinking, Pat blurted out, “Turn the ocean into Guinness!” The genie clapped his hands as he disappeared and the entire sea turned into Guinness. As the beer lapped gently against the hull, Mike looked disgusted. “Dammit, Pat. Ya shoulda thought ahead. Now we’re going to have to pee in the damned boat!”
Category Archives: Irish Jokes
The Irishman Gets Cancer (joke)
Murphy’s doctor sighed and gave him the bad news. You have incurable cancer. I give you maybe a month to live.” Murphy was shocked and saddened, but managed to compose himself and headed for the pub. There he found his son. Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things are bad. In my case, things are bad. I have cancer and have but a short time to live. Let’s have a few pints.” After a few, they were approached by some of Murphy’s old friends. “Why the celebration?” Murphy said, “My friends, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things are bad. In my case, things are bad. I’m dying from AIDS.” They gave Murphy their condolences and had some more beers together. After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion. “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? What’s this about AIDS?” Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer, son. But after I’m gone, I don’t want any of them bums sleepin’ with your mother!”
The Texan in the Irish Pub (joke)
A Texan announces to the crowd in an Irish pub, “I’ll give $500 to any man here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room grows quiet. No one takes him up on his offer, and one man even leaves. Thirty minutes later that same man taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is that bet still good?” he asks. The Texan assures him it is. The bartender starts lining up pints of Guinness, but almost as fast as he can pour, the Irishman chugs them down, easily finishing all ten pints. The pub’s patrons cheer as the Texan reaches for his billfold. “If ya don’t mind ma askin’, where did you disappear to right after I made my bet?” The Irishman replies, “Oh, that? I went to the pub across the street to see if I could do it!”
The Irishman’s Wish
Ir you’re Irish – this joke should bring a smile to your face!
An Irishman walking along the beach found a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up, brushed it off, and out popped a genie. “Since you have freed me from this bottle, I will grant you three wishes.” The Irishman thought a moment and said, “I’m feeling a might thirsty. I think I’ll wish for a pint of stout.” And poof! there was a pint of stout in his hand. He drank it down and started to toss the bottle away, when the genie said, “Look at that bottle before you throw it away.” He did and watched as it magically refilled itself with stout. “That’s a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever you empty it. So what are your other wishes?” The Irishman grinned. “I’ll be taking two more of these!”
Irish wishes (joke)
An Irishman walking along the beach found a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up, brushed it off, and out popped a genie. “Since you have freed me from this bottle, I will grant you three wishes.” The Irishman thought a moment and said, “I’m feeling a might thirsty. I think I’ll wish for a pint of stout.” And poof! there was a pint of stout in his hand. He drank it down and started to toss the bottle away, when the genie said, “Look at that bottle before you throw it away.” He did and watched as it magically refilled itself with stout. “That’s a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever you empty it. So what are your other wishes?” The Irishman grinned. “I’ll be taking two more of these!”
The Irish Good Samaritan
Paddy Reilly and his wife were awakened at 4:00 AM by a loud pounding on the door. Paddy gets up and goes to the door where an inebriated stranger, standing in the pouring rain. is asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says Paddy, “It’s 3:00 in the morning.” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asks his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push.” says Paddy.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No I did not. It’s 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well. You have a short memory,”says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and these two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself.”
Paddy does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out in the dark: “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes” comes the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out Paddy.
“Yes, please.” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks Paddy.
“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.
The Irishman’s Three Wishes
An Irishman walking along the beach found a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up, brushed it off, and out popped a genie. “Since you have freed me from this bottle, I will grant you three wishes.” The Irishman thought a moment and said, “I’m feeling a might thirsty. I think I’ll wish for a pint of stout.” And poof! there was a pint of stout in his hand. He drank it down and started to toss the bottle away, when the genie said, “Look at that bottle before you throw it away.” He did and watched as it magically refilled itself with stout. “That’s a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever you empty it. So what are your other wishes?” The Irishman grinned. “I’ll be taking two more of these!”
Water to Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.? He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord!? ? He’s done it again!”
I’ve lost me luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K.? Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.? An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
“No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?”
“The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.
Goin’ to the Store…
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
“S’cuse me”, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, “What was that all about?”
“Nothin’, said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!”