Category Archives: Jokes for Women

The High School Crush (joke)

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking:

“Surely I Can’t Look That Old.” Well… You’ll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With  A New Dentist. I Noticed His DDS Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name.

Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago. Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then? Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To have Been My Classmate. After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School?

“Yes. Yes, I Did. I’m A Mustang,” He Gleamed With Pride.

“When Did You Graduate?” I Asked.

He Answered, “in 1959. Why Do You Ask?”

“You Were In My Class!”, I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat, Gray, Decrepit Son-of-a-bitch Asked, “What Did You Teach?”

The statue in the museum (joke)

A Frenchwoman took her young daughter to the Louvre. As they stood before a statue of a nude male, the child pointed at its penis and asked, “Mama, what’s that?” “Oh, nothing, Cherie.” “I want one,” said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter’s attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. “I want one. I want one like that one,” she kept repeating. Finally, her mother said, “If you’re a good girl and stop talking about it now, I promise you that when grow up, you will have one.” “And if I’m bad?” Her mother sighed. “Then you will have many!”

The celebration (joke)

A farmer dropped by the local tavern, ordered a cold one and said, “This is a special day. I’m celebrating.” “What a coincidence,” said the woman on the next stool. “I’m celebrating, too.” “What are you celebrating?” she asked, clinking glasses with him. “I’ve been raising chickens, but my hens were all infertile,” he replied, “but today they’re finally fertile.” “What a coincidence,” said the woman. “My husband and I have been trying to have a child for a long time with no luck. But today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant! So what did you do to help your chickens become fertile?” “I switched cocks,” he replied. She smiled. “Small world, isn’t it?”

The Newlyweds (joke)

The newlyweds were enjoying breakfast in bed. “Honey, tonight we’re gonna try something new.” “Oh, really? What’s left?” “68.” “68? What’s that?” “That’s where you do me and I’ll just owe you one!”

Getting a divorce (joke)

The wife appeared before the judge and said, “I want a divorce.” The judge said, “Why do you want a divorce?” “Because my husband is a terrible lover.” “How long have you been married?” “Fourteen years.” “I don’t understand,” said the judge. “Why wait fourteen years to divorce your husband if he’s a terrible lover?” She said, “Because, your honor, until that salesman stopped by last week, I didn’t know!”

Divorce Court (joke)

The wife appeared before the judge and said, “I want a divorce.” The judge said, “Why do you want a divorce?” “Because my husband is a terrible lover.” “How long have you been married?” “Fourteen years.” “I don’t understand,” said the judge. “Why wait fourteen years to divorce your husband if he’s a terrible lover?” She said, “Because, your honor, until that salesman stopped by last week, I didn’t know!”

The Doctor’s Appointment (joke)

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.

“How much do you weigh?” she asks.

“115,” she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.

It turns out her weight is 140 (I wish).

The nurse asks, “Your height?”

“5 foot 8,” she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5′ 5″.

She then takes her blood pressure

And tells the woman it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” she screams,

“When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

The Chipmunks

Three guys were out in the woods bear hunting. One of the guys says “I am going to sit by this tree”.

Knowing the first guy was new to hunting, the other two guys say to him, “Whatever happens, don’t say a single word”.

So the man sitting by the tree agrees with the other two so they start walking somewhere else to sit. Then just as they were about to sit down, they here the other guy scream. They run back to the man that they left behind. When they get there the man is still sitting by the tree.

Confused, the two men said, “Why did you scream? We told you not to say anything no matter what happened.”

The guy looks the other two right in the eyes and says, “When that snake crawled over my legs, I didn’t scream. When that bear growled right in my face, I didn’t scream. But I could hold it no longer when them two chipmunks crawled up my pantlegs and said to each other, “Do we eat here or take them to go?”

Becoming a better listener

A man is driving down a road when a woman passes him. She yells out her window, “PIG!” He yells back, “BITCH!” He rounds the next curve and crashes into a huge hog in the middle of the road. Thought For The Day: “If only men would listen.”

How Old Am I (joke)?

Luke’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After applying the “miracle” products, she asked him, “Darling, what age would you say I am?” Luke looked her over carefully and then said, “Judging from your skin, twenty. Judging from your hair, eighteen. Judging from your figure, twenty-five. ” “Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed. “Hang on!” Luke interrupted. “Let me finish adding them up!”