Category Archives: Jokes for Women

The Newlyweds (joke)

The newlyweds were enjoying breakfast in bed. “Honey, tonight we’re gonna try something new.” “Oh, really? What’s left?” “68.” “68? What’s that?” “That’s where you do me and I’ll just owe you one!”

Getting a divorce (joke)

The wife appeared before the judge and said, “I want a divorce.” The judge said, “Why do you want a divorce?” “Because my husband is a terrible lover.” “How long have you been married?” “Fourteen years.” “I don’t understand,” said the judge. “Why wait fourteen years to divorce your husband if he’s a terrible lover?” She said, “Because, your honor, until that salesman stopped by last week, I didn’t know!”

Divorce Court (joke)

The wife appeared before the judge and said, “I want a divorce.” The judge said, “Why do you want a divorce?” “Because my husband is a terrible lover.” “How long have you been married?” “Fourteen years.” “I don’t understand,” said the judge. “Why wait fourteen years to divorce your husband if he’s a terrible lover?” She said, “Because, your honor, until that salesman stopped by last week, I didn’t know!”

The Doctor’s Appointment (joke)

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.

“How much do you weigh?” she asks.

“115,” she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.

It turns out her weight is 140 (I wish).

The nurse asks, “Your height?”

“5 foot 8,” she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5′ 5″.

She then takes her blood pressure

And tells the woman it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” she screams,

“When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

The Chipmunks

Three guys were out in the woods bear hunting. One of the guys says “I am going to sit by this tree”.

Knowing the first guy was new to hunting, the other two guys say to him, “Whatever happens, don’t say a single word”.

So the man sitting by the tree agrees with the other two so they start walking somewhere else to sit. Then just as they were about to sit down, they here the other guy scream. They run back to the man that they left behind. When they get there the man is still sitting by the tree.

Confused, the two men said, “Why did you scream? We told you not to say anything no matter what happened.”

The guy looks the other two right in the eyes and says, “When that snake crawled over my legs, I didn’t scream. When that bear growled right in my face, I didn’t scream. But I could hold it no longer when them two chipmunks crawled up my pantlegs and said to each other, “Do we eat here or take them to go?”

Becoming a better listener

A man is driving down a road when a woman passes him. She yells out her window, “PIG!” He yells back, “BITCH!” He rounds the next curve and crashes into a huge hog in the middle of the road. Thought For The Day: “If only men would listen.”

How Old Am I (joke)?

Luke’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After applying the “miracle” products, she asked him, “Darling, what age would you say I am?” Luke looked her over carefully and then said, “Judging from your skin, twenty. Judging from your hair, eighteen. Judging from your figure, twenty-five. ” “Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed. “Hang on!” Luke interrupted. “Let me finish adding them up!”

Mr. Sensitivity (joke)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn’t mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?” She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, “Well, how was it?” The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says…

“Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!”

The fishing trip (joke)

A guy called his wife one evening and said, “Honey, I’ve been invited to spend a week fishing with some of my best customers, but they’re leaving right away. Could you pack my clothes, my fishing gear, oh, and don’t forget my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in a few minutes to pick them up.” A hour later, he flew in the house, grabbed his stuff and raced off. A week later, he returned. His wife asked, “Have a good week, dear?” “Oh yes, honey. It was great! But you didn’t pack my blue silk pajamas.” His wife smiles and says, “Oh yes I did. They’re in your tackle box!”

The clever letter (joke)

A 63-year-old accountant left this letter on his kitchen counter. “Dear Wife: By the time you read this letter I will be at the grand Hotel with my beautiful, sexy, 21-year-old secretary.” When he arrived at the Grand Hotel he had a letter waiting for him at the front desk. “Dear Husband: I, too, am 63years old. By the time you receive this letter I will be at a better hotel with our handsome, virile, 21-year-old gardener. You, being an accountant, will well appreciate that 21 goes into 63 many more times than 63 goes into 21.”