Three elderly gentlemen were discussing how their hands shook. The first one said, “My hands shake so bad that, when I shaved his morning, I cut myself.” The second said, “My hands shake so bad that, when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced off my flowers.” The third said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that, when I took a p¡ss yesterday, I came!”
While sport fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. Although he could swim, his fear of alligators made him cling to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber on shore, he shouted, “Are there any gators around here?” “Naw,” replied the old man. “Ain’t been none fer years!” Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely to shore. About halfway, he paused to rest and shouted at the same old guy, “So what did they do to get rid of the gators?” “Didn’t do nothin’,” replied the beachcomber. “Sharks got ’em all!”
An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, “Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?Â Are you at peace with God?”
Chuck replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! The light goes on. When I’m done, POOF!
the light goes off.”
“WOW, That’s incredible” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck’s wife, Ethel.
He says, “Chuck is doing fine but I had to call you, as I am in awe ofÂ his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, POOF! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, POOF! The light goes off?”
“Oh good Lord!” Ethel exclaims. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
This chain letter hopes to bring relief to tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn’t cost a thing. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are also tired and discouraged, then bundle up your wife, send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them has got to be better than the woman you already have. One man received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping. This chain also brings luck: one man’s pit bull died and the next day he received a Playboy model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a supermodel. But do not break the chain! One man broke the chain and got his own wife back again!
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were drinking in a saloon when a cowboy entered and asked, “Who owns the big white stallion outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up and said, “I do. Why?” The cowboy said, “He looks like he’s about dead!” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was near dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger said, “Tonto, run around Silver and see if you can create enough breeze to cool him off while I get him some fresh water!” Tonto said, “Okay, Kemosabe!” and started running circles around Silver. The Lone Ranger fetched Silver some water, helped him drink, and the returned to the bar. A while later, another cowboy entered the bar and asked, “Who owns the big white stallion outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up again and said, “I do. Now what’s wrong with him?” The cowboy said, “Oh, he’s fine, but you left your Injun runnin’!”
A man in the produce section of a supermarket asked the clerk if he could purchase just a half a head of lettuce. The clerk said they only sold lettuce by the head, but the man insisted that he ask his manager about it. Walking into the stock room, the clerk said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he realized the man was standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal and the man took his half a head of lettuce and left. The manager told the clerk, “I liked the way you handled that situation. Where are you from?” “Canada, sir,” replied the clerk. “Really? I hear that’s a great place. Why did you leave there to move here?” he asked. The clerk replied, “Oh, there’s nothing in Canada but whores and hockey players!” “Oh, really?” said the manager. “I’ll have you know my wife is from Canada!” The boy replied, “No kidding! What position does she play?”
Drowsing contentedly in bed after an afternoon of vigorous love- making, there was the sound of a car pulling up outside. Dreamily, the girl whispered, “Oh, no! Get moving. That’s my husband!” The man leapt from the bed, grabbed his clothes and rushed to the window, when he suddenly stopped. “Waddaya mean?” he bellowed. “I’m your husband!”
A nine-year-old boy was shipwrecked on a desert island. Ten years passed without him seeing another living soul. Then, one day, walking along the beach, he discovered a beautiful young woman washed up on the beach, a victim of another shipwreck. As he told her his story, she asked, “But how have you survived all this time, alone?” The now nineteen-year-old man replied, “Oh, it’s easy. I fish; I gather berries, coconuts and fruit; and I dig for clams.” “But what do you do for sex?” He replied, “Sex? What’s sex?” She started to explain, but decided it would be easier just to show him …and show him …and show him. When they were finally done, she gazed into his eyes and murmured, “Well, how do you like sex?” The young man said, “I love it. But look what you did to my clam digger!”
A blonde wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a handyman. She canvassed the neighborhood and finally found a man who needed his porch painted. “How much will you charge me?” he asked. “How about $50?” asked the blonde. The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said, “Does she realize that the porch goes all around the house?” The husband looked at her with a cynical frown. “You’re right! I guess I’m starting to believe all of those blonde jokes you get in e mails every day.” A short time late the blonde came to the door to collect. “Are you finished already?” the husband asked. “Yes” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over so gave it two coats–no extra charge.” Impressed. the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “It’s not a Porch—it’s a Lexus.”
A cat died. God met her at the Pearly Gates and said, “You’ve been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat said, “All my life I slept on hard wooden floors. I’d like a nice fluffy pillow.” God said, “So be it,” and there was a huge fluffy pillow. A week later, six mice died. At the Pearly Gates, God made them the same offer. The mice said, “All of our lives we’ve had to run from cats, from dogs, and even from people! We’d love some roller skates.” God said, “So be it.” A week later, God noticed the cat asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened her and asked, “Is everything okay? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, Heaven is wonderful. My pillow is fluffy and I just love the Meals on Wheels you send over!”