The Joneses were traveling with Mrs. Jones’s mother in a far away country when the mother-in-law made a careless remark, insulting the native royal family. They were arrested, convicted, and sentenced to fifty lashes with a cane. To show their magnanimity, the royal family granted the guests one wish before their beating. “Mrs. Jones, what is your wish?” “Before my beating, bind a pillow to my bottom.” “It is granted.” But the pillow was small, and the executioner missed it a few times, hitting her and causing great pain. Next they asked the mother-in-law for her wish. “Before my beating, bind a pillow to my bottom and a pillow to my back.” “It is granted.” She got her fifty lashes, but barely felt a thing. Finally, they asked, “And Mr. Jones, what is your wish before your beating?” Jones replied, “Before my beating, bind my mother-in-law to my back!”
Category Archives: Jokes
Sex Addiction (joke)
The stunning blonde went to her faculty advisor for some course problems, but seemed distracted. “Are you okay?” he asked her. “Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet,” she admitted. “Is there a name for my condition?” “Why yes, there is,” he said with a smile as he headed for the couch, “I call it ‘Good News’!”
Superfriends Have Sex
One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So he asked his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
‘Hey Batman! Who’s good in the sack?’
‘Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comicland.
Why don’t you try her?’ replied Batman
‘I’d love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends.
So I don’t really want to take advantage of her.’
‘Damn shame.’ said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a City when he saw the Green Lantern. ‘Hey Hal, I’m looking for a little action. You’re a swinging bachelor,
who’s the best babe in Comicland?’
‘Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in comicland, why don’t you try her?’
‘Well, we’re sort of friends,’ Superman said, ‘but I didn’t realize she had gotten around so much.’ and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her Legs apart.
Superman was tempted. He Thought to himself, ‘I’m faster than a speeding Bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I’m here.’ So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and Gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. ‘What the hell was that??’ she exclaimed.
‘I don’t know,’ said the Invisible Man as he Rolled off, ‘but my ass is killing me.’
Little Johnny’s Savings (joke)
Little Johnny’s mother was shocked to catch her young son masturbating. She sat him down and had a talk with him. “Honey, you want to be a good boy, right? Well, good little boys save that until they’re married.” A few weeks later, she had another talk with Little Johnny. “So, John, how are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear? Are you ‘saving it’ for marriage?” Little Johnnie pulled a jar out from under his bed. “I’m doing great, Mom! So far, I’ve got nearly a quart!”
Enjoying Your Job (joke)
A man, who spent his life stoking furnaces, died and went to hell. The devil, deciding not to waste a life of such experience, gave him a job stoking the fires of hell. Everyday, when the devil would check up on the workers, he would find this man laughing, joking, and having a good time. One day he asked this guy, “Do you like this job?” The guy replied, “Yes, I like it very HOT!!!” The devil decided to show him, so he shut down the flames of hell just to show him that hell wasn’t about having fun. The next day when the devil checked up on him, he found the man shivering, cold, and turning blue. The devil laughed. “Now, what do you think of Hell?” Shivering, with teeth chattering, the guy replied, “Does this mean that the Broncos finally won the Super Bowl?”
The Church Hypocrite (joke)
Leaving church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, “Do you think that Johnson girl tints her hair?” “I didn’t even see her,” admitted Mr. Peterson. “And that dress Margie Hansen was wearing,” continued Mrs. Peterson, “Was that suitable for a mother of two?” “I didn’t notice that, either,” said Mr. Peterson. Mrs. Peterson snapped, “Oh, for heaven’s sake! A lot of good it does you to go to church!”
The Pet Octopus (joke)
A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, “I bet $50.00 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can’t play.” The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus picks it up, tunes the strings and starts playing. His owner pockets fifty bucks. Next comes a guy with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, wiggles the valves a few times, licks its lips and plays a fantastic jazz solo. His owner pockets another fifty bucks. The bartender disappears out back, returns a few moments later with a set of bagpipes, and says, “If your octopus can play that, I’ll give you a hundred dollars.” The octopus looks at the bagpipes, lifts them up, turns them over, and looks again from another angle. The puzzled octopus’ owner interrupts his pet’s concentration, and says, “Well? Are you going to play it or not?” The octopus says, “Play it? Hell! I’m trying to figure out how to take off its pajamas!”