A prestigious law firm interviewing prospective attorneys had narrowed the field down to Bob and Paul. Both had graduated at the top of their respective law school classes. Both were from good families. Both were equally handsome. Both were well-spoken. But the senior law partner only asked each man one question, “Why did you become a lawyer?” and then chose Bob. Later, Paul said to Bob, “I can’t understand why he didn’t want me. When he asked me why I became a lawyer, I told him that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I’d lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do the right thing for my clients. What did you say?” Bob replied, “I just told him, ‘I became a lawyer because of my hands.’” “Your hands?” asked Paul incredulously. “Yeah,” said Bob. “One day I looked at my hands and there wasn’t any money in either of them!”

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.??? “What???? said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times???? “Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was…God I miss him! …But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!??? “Good,??? said the lawyer, “but, why???? “Duh; you’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!???

After the executive hired a hot new secretary, it was only a few days before he put the moves on her. She readily agreed and they had a great time. But after a week or so, she started taking advantage of their relationship, showing up late for work, being surly to clients, losing messages, turning out sloppy work. Finally, he pulled her aside for a little talk. “Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start slacking off on the job???? She gave him a sly smile and purred, “My lawyer!???

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from California and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Butte, Montana. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Montana deputy’s expense.

The deputy says,’ License and registration, please.’

‘What for?’ says the lawyer.

The deputy says, ‘You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.’

Then the lawyer says, ‘I slowed down, and no one was coming.’

‘You still didn’t come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.’

The lawyer says, ‘What’s the difference?’

‘The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!’ the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, ‘If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.’

‘That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,’ the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving sh — out of the lawyer and says, ‘Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?’

A successful attorney parked his new Lexus in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened his door to get out, a truck whizzed by tore off the driver’s door completely. The furious lawyer grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. Within minutes, a policeman pulled up. “My brand new Lexus is ruined! It’ll never be the same!” The cop shook his head in disgust. “You lawyers are so materialistic!” he said. “You focus entire on possessions and ignore life itself.” “Oh, yeah?” asked the lawyer. “What makes you say that?” The cop replied, “Good God, man. Do you even realize that your left arm got ripped off along with your door?” The lawyer looked down and saw what the cop said was true. He screamed, “My new Rolex!”

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder. Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out and he left”.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?”

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”