Category Archives: Old Man Jokes

New Boots (joke)

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’

Margaret looked him over. ‘Nope.’

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!’

Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’
‘Nope’, she replied.

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!’
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.’

While you’re in there… (joke)

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped for lunch. They finished their meal and drove nearly an hour before the woman realized she must have left her glasses at the restaurant. They turned around and headed back, but the old man fussed and griped all the way about her forgetfulness. When they finally arrived at the restaurant, she headed inside to get her glasses, the man yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat, too.”

Sexy seniors

An elderly couple decides, “Tonight is the night.” She slips into something sexy and crawls into bed. He heads into the bathroom. She waits and waits until she can’t stand the suspense; she climbs out of bed, gets up, goes to the bathroom, and opens the door. She sees him bent over, trying to put on a condom. She giggles, “Honey, what are you doing? I’m 86 years old. There’s no way I can get pregnant!” He looks up at her and says, “I know, honey, but you know how dampness affects my arthritis!”

Shaking Hands (joke)

Three elderly gentlemen were discussing how their hands shook. The first one said, “My hands shake so bad that, when I shaved his morning, I cut myself.” The second said, “My hands shake so bad that, when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced off my flowers.” The third said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that, when I took a p¡ss yesterday, I came!”

80 Year Old Man and God (joke)

An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, “Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?”

Chuck replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! The light goes on. When I’m done, POOF!
the light goes off.”

“WOW, That’s incredible” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck’s wife, Ethel.

He says, “Chuck is doing fine but I had to call you, as I am in awe of  his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, POOF! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, POOF! The light goes off?”

“Oh good Lord!” Ethel exclaims. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

80th Birthday Party (joke)

An old man said to his doctor, “Doc, tomorrow’s my eightieth birthday. I want to do it just one more time before I die, so I’ve hired a hooker for the night. Can you give me something to get it up?” The doctor smiled. “Normally, I don’t prescribe this stuff, but in your case, I could probably make an exception.” On the night of the “celebration,” the doctor got curious and phoned the man. “How’s it going?” “Fabulous,” replied the old man. “I’ve come three times already!” “Great,” said the doctor. “I’ll bet the hooker is astounded.” “Not exactly,” said the old man. “She’s not here yet!”

It’s Fart Football!

An elderly couple has only been in bed for a few minutes when the man farts. He says, “7 points!” She asks, “7 points for what?” The old man replies, “It’s fart football.” A minute later, she fires one off. “Touchdown! Tie score,” she announces. A few minutes pass and the old man farts again. “Touchdown! I’m up, 14 to 7.” Not to be outdone, the wife rips another. “Touchdown! Tie score.” A few seconds later, she pinches off a tiny squeaker. “Field goal! I lead, 17-14.” The pressure is on. The old man refuses to lose. He strains and strains but to no avail. Finally, he gives it everything he’s got, but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife asks, “What in the hell was that?” And the old man replies, “Halftime! Switch sides!”

The old man and the waiting room

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor’s waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded doctor’s waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said. The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone.” The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.