An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, was shocked when the woman’s doctor said she had a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She had to avoid stress, eat right, and never have sex again, or the strain might kill her. They reluctantly tried to live by those rules but over time both got really horny, so the husband decided to sleep on the downstairs couch to prevent temptation. For a few weeks, this arrangement worked, until one night about 1 a.m. when they met each other on the stairs–she coming down, he heading up. “Honey, I have to confess,” she said, her voice quavering. “I was about to commit suicide.” “Glad to hear that, sweetie,” he answered, “because I was just coming up to kill you!”
Two drunk Air Force Crew Chiefs were talking. One said, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got an erection, I couldn’t bend it even if I used both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I really tried. By the time I was 50, I could bend it 20 degrees no problem. Next week I’m gonna be 60 and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.” “So?” asked the second guy. “What’s your point?” “Well, I’m just wondering: how much stronger am I gonna get?”
A fifty-year-old man asks the drugstore checkout girl, “Do you sell condoms?” She replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “I don’t know,” he replies. “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Extra large condoms to checkout 3. Extra large condoms to checkout 3!” A stock boy brings her the condoms, the man pays and leaves. A thirty-year-old man enters the store and asks the same checkout girl, “Do you sell condoms?” She replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “I don’t know.” “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Large condoms to checkout 3. Large condoms to checkout 3!” A stock boy brings her the condoms, the man pays and leaves. Seeing all this, a fifteen-year-old boy decides to try his luck.? He goes through the same checkout and asks sheepishly, “Um, uh, do you guys sell condoms?” And once again she replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “Uh, I dunno.” “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Clean up at checkout 3. Clean up at checkout 3!”
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.? ? George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”.? ? Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.? Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.? Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.”? Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.? One of the Policemen said to George: “I thought you said that
you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
I LOVE IT – Don’t mess with old people!!
An elderly gentleman suffered from Alzheimer’s. His wife loved him very much, but just couldn’t handle him any longer and decided she would have to take him to a nursing home. At the home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, the old gentleman sat in a chair. Suddenly the man started leaning slowly to his left. A nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. By then, his wife had completed the paperwork. She asked him, “So? How do you like the place?” “It’s okay, I guess” he replied. “But, why won’t they let me fart?”
The doctor handed his 75-year-old patient a jar and ordered him to bring back a sample so he could do a sperm count. The next day old man returned to the doctor with an empty jar. “What’s this???? the doctor asked. “Well, doc, it’s like this: First I tried with my right hand—but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand—still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. First she tried with her right hand—nothing. Then she tried with her left hand—nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out—still nothing. Finally we called the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too—and still nothing.??? The doctor was shocked. “Your neighbor???? “Yep. No matter how hard we tried, we just couldn’t get that damned jar open!???
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost???? “Only one kiss per yard, “ replied the smirking male clerk. “That’s fine,??? replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.??? With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and packaged the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill.???
A man visited his 85-year-old grandfather in the nursing home. “How’ve you been, grandpa???? he asked. “Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses take such good care of me. Why, every night they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra pill and I sleep like a log.??? The man went to see the head nurse. “What’s going on here???? he asked. “Grandpa says you’re giving him Viagra on a daily basis now. Surely that’s not true!??? “Oh, yes,??? replied the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock he gets a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra pill.??? “But why? A man of his age???? “Well, the hot chocolate makes him sleepy and the Viagra keeps him from rolling out of bed!???
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle
thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle
exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.? The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and
just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.? “Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story….
Don’t mess with old farts…age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullsh#$ and brilliance only come with age and experience.
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.? He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.? The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.? “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000″ the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.? The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “by check.? I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring
up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man, “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about my weekend!