Three elderly gentlemen were discussing how their hands shook. The first one said, “My hands shake so bad that, when I shaved his morning, I cut myself.” The second said, “My hands shake so bad that, when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced off my flowers.” The third said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that, when I took a p¡ss yesterday, I came!”
An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, “Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?Â Are you at peace with God?”
Chuck replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! The light goes on. When I’m done, POOF!
the light goes off.”
“WOW, That’s incredible” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck’s wife, Ethel.
He says, “Chuck is doing fine but I had to call you, as I am in awe ofÂ his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, POOF! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, POOF! The light goes off?”
“Oh good Lord!” Ethel exclaims. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
An old man said to his doctor, “Doc, tomorrow’s my eightieth birthday. I want to do it just one more time before I die, so I’ve hired a hooker for the night. Can you give me something to get it up?” The doctor smiled. “Normally, I don’t prescribe this stuff, but in your case, I could probably make an exception.” On the night of the “celebration,” the doctor got curious and phoned the man. “How’s it going?” “Fabulous,” replied the old man. “I’ve come three times already!” “Great,” said the doctor. “I’ll bet the hooker is astounded.” “Not exactly,” said the old man. “She’s not here yet!”
An elderly couple has only been in bed for a few minutes when the man farts. He says, “7 points!” She asks, “7 points for what?” The old man replies, “It’s fart football.” A minute later, she fires one off. “Touchdown! Tie score,” she announces. A few minutes pass and the old man farts again. “Touchdown! I’m up, 14 to 7.” Not to be outdone, the wife rips another. “Touchdown! Tie score.” A few seconds later, she pinches off a tiny squeaker. “Field goal! I lead, 17-14.” The pressure is on. The old man refuses to lose. He strains and strains but to no avail. Finally, he gives it everything he’s got, but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife asks, “What in the hell was that?” And the old man replies, “Halftime! Switch sides!”
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor’s waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”
“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded doctor’s waiting room and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said. The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”
The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone.” The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, was shocked when the woman’s doctor said she had a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She had to avoid stress, eat right, and never have sex again, or the strain might kill her. They reluctantly tried to live by those rules but over time both got really horny, so the husband decided to sleep on the downstairs couch to prevent temptation. For a few weeks, this arrangement worked, until one night about 1 a.m. when they met each other on the stairs–she coming down, he heading up. “Honey, I have to confess,” she said, her voice quavering. “I was about to commit suicide.” “Glad to hear that, sweetie,” he answered, “because I was just coming up to kill you!”
Two drunk Air Force Crew Chiefs were talking. One said, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got an erection, I couldn’t bend it even if I used both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I really tried. By the time I was 50, I could bend it 20 degrees no problem. Next week I’m gonna be 60 and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.” “So?” asked the second guy. “What’s your point?” “Well, I’m just wondering: how much stronger am I gonna get?”
A fifty-year-old man asks the drugstore checkout girl, “Do you sell condoms?” She replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “I don’t know,” he replies. “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Extra large condoms to checkout 3. Extra large condoms to checkout 3!” A stock boy brings her the condoms, the man pays and leaves. A thirty-year-old man enters the store and asks the same checkout girl, “Do you sell condoms?” She replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “I don’t know.” “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Large condoms to checkout 3. Large condoms to checkout 3!” A stock boy brings her the condoms, the man pays and leaves. Seeing all this, a fifteen-year-old boy decides to try his luck.? He goes through the same checkout and asks sheepishly, “Um, uh, do you guys sell condoms?” And once again she replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “Uh, I dunno.” “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Clean up at checkout 3. Clean up at checkout 3!”
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.? ? George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”.? ? Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.? Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.? Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.”? Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.? One of the Policemen said to George: “I thought you said that
you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
I LOVE IT – Don’t mess with old people!!
An elderly gentleman suffered from Alzheimer’s. His wife loved him very much, but just couldn’t handle him any longer and decided she would have to take him to a nursing home. At the home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, the old gentleman sat in a chair. Suddenly the man started leaning slowly to his left. A nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. By then, his wife had completed the paperwork. She asked him, “So? How do you like the place?” “It’s okay, I guess” he replied. “But, why won’t they let me fart?”