Little Johnny heard the word “whorehouse” during recess and later asked his father what it meant. Dad was shocked. “Well, uh, John, that’s a place where men go to, uh, to have a good time.” Johnny replied, “I wanna go there. I wanna go there.” Dad insisted that Johnny was too young. But on Saturday night, when Johnny’s dad and some of his friends headed to Mable’s for “a good time,” Little Johnny secretly followed them. Once Dad and his buddies had been inside a while, Little Johnny knocked on Mable’s front door. She opened the door and was surprised to see an eight-year-old standing there. “Yes?” she asked. Little Johnny said, “I’m here for a good time!” Since Mabel had a heart of gold (of course!), she invited him inside, gave him three donuts, and then sent him on his way home. Johnny took his time going home and arrived home well after his Dad. “Johnny, where have you been? It’s late!” “I went to Mabel’s whorehouse, Daddy!” Dad blanched. “You did? Umm, how was it?” Johnny bragged, “Well, I managed the first two with no problem, but I just licked the third one!”
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.Â He walked in.Â Â She turned and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.”
His eyes lit up and he thought, “This is my lucky day.” Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there onÂ the kitchen table.Â Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, “What was that all about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
A woman convinced her boyfriend to try a new drink: Bailey’s, lime juice, and salt. She lined up the ingredients on the counter and explained, “First, put a pinch of salt on your tongue, then hold a shot of Bailey’s in your mouth while you drink a shot of lime juice.” Skeptical, but willing to go along, he put some salt on his tongue. Hmm; salty but okay. Then he took a shot of Bailey’s; smooth, rich, pleasant. He thought, “So far, so good.” Then he added the lime juice. The sharp taste hit him and a second later, curdled the Bailey’s to a consistency like mucous. His mouth felt like it was full of snot, which triggered his gag reflex but, being a manly man and wanting to impress his girlfriend, he just grimmaced and swallowed the foul fluid. When he finally regained the ability to speak, he asked her, “Damn! What do you call that concoction?” She smiled and said, “The B. J. Revenge!”
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, “I can cure this.” That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.? Then he says, “This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
The guy then asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?”? The medicine man replies: “All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned — it will not work again for another year!”
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, “123.” He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life…. just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, “What did you say 123 for?”
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition.
The godfather was dying. He summonded one of his godsons and said softly, “Mikey, before I go, I gotta ask one favor.” “Yes, godfather, anything. I worship you.” The old man’s eyes narrowed. “I want you to go to my bathroom and masturbate.” The lad looked around uneasily. “I dunno, boss. That’s kinda embarassing. ” “Who raised you as if you were my own? This one thing you can’t do for me?” The young man realized his error and agreed to the request. When he returned, the old man said, “One more request?” “Sure, godfather. Anything.” “Do it again!” “What? I just did it.” “Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? And you can’t do this one little thing for me?” Again he agreed and was soon back. “Okay, I’m done.” “One last request. Do it once more.” “I don’t understand, godfather. Why?” “What? You can’t grant a dying man his last wish?” The boy was gone a long while this time, but eventually he staggered back to the bedside. “I did it but, please, no more. I got nothing left.” “Good!” said the old man, handing him his car keys. “Now go pick up my daughter at the airport!”
John woke up with an enormous erection so he reached over to his wife’s side of the bed but Heather was already downstairs fixing breakfast. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John wrote this note, called their son, and asked him to take it to Mommy: “The tent pole is up / The canvas is spread / The hell with breakfast / come back to bed.” Heather replied with a note of her own: “Take the tent pole down / Put the canvas away / The monkey had a hemorrhage / No circus today.” John scribbled a quick reply: “The tent pole’s still up / And the canvas still spread, / Drop what you’re doing / And give me some head.” Heather’s response? “‘Tho your pole may be / The best in the land / I’m too busy now / So do it by hand!”
A man complained to his doctor that his wife never wanted to have sex. The doctor told him to bring her in for a checkup. When she arrived, the doctor asked her about her libido. “Well, doctor,” she replied, “the truth is that every morning I take a cab to work and the cabbie always asks me, ‘So are you gonna pay today or what?’ And since we don’t have much money, I always give him the ‘or what’ which makes me late for work so my boss yells at me, ‘So are we going to dock your salary or what?’ And since we need the money, I always give him the ‘or what.’ By the time I get home, I don’t feel like having any more sex.” “Hmmmmm,” thought the doctor, “I see. So, are we going to tell your husband about this, or what?”
The World’s Best Dirty Jokes
Each of us has laughed at one or more of the great classics– whether it was the one about the elephant and the canary or the one about the travelling salesman and the farmer’s daughter. Good taste , as it was interpreted by the censors, did not allow the collection and publication of these funniest dirty stories. And so they have been told aloud, passed from mouth to mouth and sometimes from generation to generation. Things have changed. And so, a few years ago, Mr. J. decided to gather together the very best– the very funniest– from the large crop of dirty jokes. Dirty isn’t, of itself, funny. A good dirty joke is often graphic and sometimes shocking. But it is always amusing and often causes hilarity. The final crop of jokes was selected by 12 separate judges. Only those jokes that brought cheer and laughter to the heart were permitted to remain. Some of the stories will be familiar to you. None will be heard on radio or television. But all are designed to make you smile– and, with a little practice, you can make others laugh, too.
A man met an attractive mature woman in a nightclub. They had some drinks, danced a while, and when things got going she asked him if he’d ever had “a sportsman’s double?” “What’s a sportman’s double?” he asked. “A mother-daughter threesome,” she replied, rubbing his leg. Always interested in learning new things, he immediately headed to her place. She opened the front door, turned on the lights, and yelled upstairs, “Mom? You still awake?”
Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, “Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…..
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
A Chinese couple get married, she’s a virgin and truth be told he is not all that experienced either.
On their wedding night she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses, he climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, “my darring, “he says, “I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten, bu I promise you, I give you anyfin you wan, I do anyting, juss anyting you wan, Wha you wan?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request, eventually she replies shyly and unsure, “I wan try somethin I hear abou…numbaa 69.”
More thoughtful silence, this time from him, eventually in a puzzled tone he queries…
“You wan… Chicken wi broccori?”