Category Archives: Sex Jokes

Men that Last (joke)

Which one of these sounds like your wife?

Three women were discussing their sex lives. The first said, “My husband is like a championship golfer: he’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.” The second said, “My husband is like the Indianapolis 500 winner: he always gives me a couple hundred laps.” The third woman grimaced. “My husband is like an Olympic gold-medalist: he’s got his time down to under 40 seconds!”

Frank’s bad luck bear hunting (joke)

Frank was bear hunting when he spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Suddenly there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear standing on its hind legs. The black bear said, “You have two choices, pal: either I maul you to death or we have sex.” Frank quickly decided to bend over. Eventually he recovered and vowed revenge. He returned to the same spot, seeking that same black bear. And when he found it, he shot it. Suddenly, he felt another tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a huge grizzly bear standing over him. The grizzly bear said, “Big mistake, buddy. You have two choices: either I maul you to death or we have sex.” Again, Frank thought it better to comply. Although he survived, it took months before he fully recovered, but when he did he headed back to the same woods, again seeking revenge. He managed to track down that very same grizzly bear and shot it, extracting his revenge. But another tap on his shoulder, another spin around, and there was a giant polar bear! The polar bear said, “Admit it, Frank. You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

The Irish Golfer

An Irish golfer slices his tee shot into the woods. Looking for it, he finds it near a tiny man lying near a bush with this huge knot on his head. The golfer revives the leprechaun. When he awakes, he says, “I will grant you three wishes.” The man replies, “I want nothing from you. I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you.” and walks away. The leprechaun says, “He was a nice guy and, after all, he did catch me. I should do something nice for him. I’ll just give him the three most common wishes: unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.” A year later, the same golfer hits a great shot on the same hole on the same course, but decides to check out the woods anyway. Sure enough, there’s the same leprechaun. “How are you?” he asks. The leprechaun says, “I’m fine! How’s your golf game?” “It’s great! Every round I’m under par!” “I did that for you,” responds the leprechaun. “And how’s your financial condition?” “Amazing. Ever since I met you, every time I reach into my pocket, there’s money there.” “I did that for you, too!” responds the leprechaun. “So how’s your sex life?” Now the golfer looks at the ground. “Well, maybe once or twice a week.” The leprechaun is floored. “Once or twice a week?! That’s all?” “Well, that’s not too bad for a small town Catholic priest!”

Immigrant Style joke

An illegal immigrant picked up a hooker. “How much you charge?” “$100.” “You do it ‘Immigrant Style’?” “No.” “I pay $200 for Immigrant Style.” “No,” she said, not knowing what Immigrant Style was. “I pay $300.” “No.” “$400.” “No.” He worked his way up to $1,000 and she thought, “I’ve done it every other way possible; how bad could Immigrant Style be?” “Okay,” she agreed. They did it in every way and in every position for hours. When they were finally finished, the exhausted hooker said, “I was expecting something perverted or disgusting but that was fun! So what exactly is Immigrant Style?” The illegal immigrant replied, “Simple: You send bill to government!”

Doctor’s Recommendation (joke)

The old gentleman was aging more rapidly than he wanted. “Your gout seems to be getting worse,” said his doctor. “Therefore, I recommend that you give up smoking, drinking and sex.” “What!? Just so I can walk a little better?”

The Other Man (joke)

Drowsing contentedly in bed after an afternoon of vigorous love- making, there was the sound of a car pulling up outside. Dreamily, the girl whispered, “Oh, no! Get moving. That’s my husband!” The man leapt from the bed, grabbed his clothes and rushed to the window, when he suddenly stopped. “Waddaya mean?” he bellowed. “I’m your husband!”

Shipwrecked (joke)

A nine-year-old boy was shipwrecked on a desert island. Ten years passed without him seeing another living soul. Then, one day, walking along the beach, he discovered a beautiful young woman washed up on the beach, a victim of another shipwreck. As he told her his story, she asked, “But how have you survived all this time, alone?” The now nineteen-year-old man replied, “Oh, it’s easy. I fish; I gather berries, coconuts and fruit; and I dig for clams.” “But what do you do for sex?” He replied, “Sex? What’s sex?” She started to explain, but decided it would be easier just to show him …and show him …and show him. When they were finally done, she gazed into his eyes and murmured, “Well, how do you like sex?” The young man said, “I love it. But look what you did to my clam digger!”

80th Birthday Party (joke)

An old man said to his doctor, “Doc, tomorrow’s my eightieth birthday. I want to do it just one more time before I die, so I’ve hired a hooker for the night. Can you give me something to get it up?” The doctor smiled. “Normally, I don’t prescribe this stuff, but in your case, I could probably make an exception.” On the night of the “celebration,” the doctor got curious and phoned the man. “How’s it going?” “Fabulous,” replied the old man. “I’ve come three times already!” “Great,” said the doctor. “I’ll bet the hooker is astounded.” “Not exactly,” said the old man. “She’s not here yet!”

The police in the pumpkin patch (joke)

Police arrested a 22-year-old white male in a pumpkin patch at 11:42 PM Saturday and charged him with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The judge asked the arresting officer what happened. The officer explained, “I was driving past the pumpkin patch when I saw the defendant satisfying himself on a large pumpkin. He seemed really into it, since he failed to notice my car lights, or me walking up behind him. I said, ‘Excuse me, sir, but are you screwing a pumpkin?'” The judge asked, “And what did the defendant say?” “He looked up at me and said, ‘Pumpkin? Damn! Is it midnight already?!'”

The woman next door (joke)

With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill. “Honey, you’re so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she’ll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!” He couldn’t believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed. “She says fifty isn’t enough. She wants seventy-five! ” His wife was mad. “Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!”