An illegal immigrant picked up a hooker. “How much you charge?” “$100.” “You do it ‘Immigrant Style’?” “No.” “I pay $200 for Immigrant Style.” “No,” she said, not knowing what Immigrant Style was. “I pay $300.” “No.” “$400.” “No.” He worked his way up to $1,000 and she thought, “I’ve done it every other way possible; how bad could Immigrant Style be?” “Okay,” she agreed. They did it in every way and in every position for hours. When they were finally finished, the exhausted hooker said, “I was expecting something perverted or disgusting but that was fun! So what exactly is Immigrant Style?” The illegal immigrant replied, “Simple: You send bill to government!”
Category Archives: Sex Jokes
Doctor’s Recommendation (joke)
The old gentleman was aging more rapidly than he wanted. “Your gout seems to be getting worse,” said his doctor. “Therefore, I recommend that you give up smoking, drinking and sex.” “What!? Just so I can walk a little better?”
The Other Man (joke)
Drowsing contentedly in bed after an afternoon of vigorous love- making, there was the sound of a car pulling up outside. Dreamily, the girl whispered, “Oh, no! Get moving. That’s my husband!” The man leapt from the bed, grabbed his clothes and rushed to the window, when he suddenly stopped. “Waddaya mean?” he bellowed. “I’m your husband!”
Shipwrecked (joke)
A nine-year-old boy was shipwrecked on a desert island. Ten years passed without him seeing another living soul. Then, one day, walking along the beach, he discovered a beautiful young woman washed up on the beach, a victim of another shipwreck. As he told her his story, she asked, “But how have you survived all this time, alone?” The now nineteen-year-old man replied, “Oh, it’s easy. I fish; I gather berries, coconuts and fruit; and I dig for clams.” “But what do you do for sex?” He replied, “Sex? What’s sex?” She started to explain, but decided it would be easier just to show him …and show him …and show him. When they were finally done, she gazed into his eyes and murmured, “Well, how do you like sex?” The young man said, “I love it. But look what you did to my clam digger!”
80th Birthday Party (joke)
An old man said to his doctor, “Doc, tomorrow’s my eightieth birthday. I want to do it just one more time before I die, so I’ve hired a hooker for the night. Can you give me something to get it up?” The doctor smiled. “Normally, I don’t prescribe this stuff, but in your case, I could probably make an exception.” On the night of the “celebration,” the doctor got curious and phoned the man. “How’s it going?” “Fabulous,” replied the old man. “I’ve come three times already!” “Great,” said the doctor. “I’ll bet the hooker is astounded.” “Not exactly,” said the old man. “She’s not here yet!”
70 Year Old Wants to Marry
A 70 year old woman wants to get remarried. She puts an ad in the paper that says:
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you … you have no legs!” The old man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you!”
She snorted. “You don’t have any hands either!” Again the old man smiled, “Nor can I beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. “Are you still good in bed?” With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
The police in the pumpkin patch (joke)
Police arrested a 22-year-old white male in a pumpkin patch at 11:42 PM Saturday and charged him with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The judge asked the arresting officer what happened. The officer explained, “I was driving past the pumpkin patch when I saw the defendant satisfying himself on a large pumpkin. He seemed really into it, since he failed to notice my car lights, or me walking up behind him. I said, ‘Excuse me, sir, but are you screwing a pumpkin?'” The judge asked, “And what did the defendant say?” “He looked up at me and said, ‘Pumpkin? Damn! Is it midnight already?!'”
The woman next door (joke)
With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill. “Honey, you’re so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she’ll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!” He couldn’t believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed. “She says fifty isn’t enough. She wants seventy-five! ” His wife was mad. “Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!”
The Honeymoon Joke
A young couple, each a virgin, was to be married the next day. The groom confessed to his father, “Pa, I’m scared to death. I don’t know anything about sex!” “Don’t worry, Dan,” replied his dad. “Your mother and I may have been a little overly protective but I promise to make it up to you. Tomorrow night, I’ll hide outside your hotel room door. If you need any advice, just say the word and I’ll be there to help.” The wedding went off perfectly, the new bride and groom settled into the hotel for their wedding night, but Dan was still nervous so he undressed in the bathroom. The bride waited and waited, but no groom. She needed to use the bathroom in the worst way, but was too embarrassed to knock. When Janet could wait no more, she grabbed a shoe box from the closet, squatted over it, and deposited a considerable load. Relieved, she got in bed, turned off the lights, and waited for her new groom. When Dan finally got up his courage and came out of the bathroom, he stepped in the shoe box. Feeling around at his feet, he cried out, “My God! This box is full of crap!” And a voice drifted in from the hallway, “Turn her over, boy!”
The Sperm Bank (joke)
A masked man carrying a shotgun burst into a sperm bank and shouted at the woman behind the counter, “Open the safe!” She nervously replied, “We’re not a real bank. We don’t have any money here. We’re a sperm bank!” He yelled back at her, “Don’t you argue with me! Open that safe or I’ll blow your head off!” She did so. “Now grab a bottle and drink it!” he ordered. “What?! It’s sperm!” “Don’t argue. Just drink it!” She did as she was told. The man ripped off his mask and to her amazement, it was her husband. “See? It’s not that difficult!”