The doctor handed his 75-year-old patient a jar and ordered him to bring back a sample so he could do a sperm count. The next day old man returned to the doctor with an empty jar. “What’s this???? the doctor asked. “Well, doc, it’s like this: First I tried with my right hand—but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand—still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. First she tried with her right hand—nothing. Then she tried with her left hand—nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out—still nothing. Finally we called the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too—and still nothing.??? The doctor was shocked. “Your neighbor???? “Yep. No matter how hard we tried, we just couldn’t get that damned jar open!???
Category Archives: Sex Jokes
How Little Suzie Sees It
Little Suzie was walking with her grandmother when they saw two dogs having sex. “What are they doing, Grandma?” asked the little girl. Grandmother was embarrassed, so she answered, “The dog on top has hurt his paw and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.” Suzie considered this a moment and then asked, “Dogs are just like people, aren’t they, Grandma?” “How do you mean, Suzie?” “Offer someone a helping hand and they’ll screw you every time!”
Saying the Longest Grace Ever
A girl tells her boyfriend that if he’ll have dinner with her parents on Friday night, afterwards she’ll give him her virginity. The boy is ecstatic. Friday after school he heads for the pharmacy to stock up on condoms. Confused by the wide variety, he asks the pharmacist for help. The older man tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and their proper usage. The boy decides to buy a 10-pack, since it is first time and all. That night, his girlfriend leads him to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy quickly volunteers to say the blessing. He bows his head and prays and prays. One minute, five minutes, ten minutes pass, and still the prayer goes on. Finally, after fifteen minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers, “I had no idea you were so religious!??? The boy turns and whispers back, “And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!???
They Grow Them Big Down in Texas
A sweet young clerk at a big city store approached a rather large man in the men’s department. “May I help you???? she purred. “Why, yes, ma’am. I wanna buy a complete outfit of them city clothes.??? Her eyes lit up. “Excellent. Shall we begin with a new suit???? “Why, shore ma’am. 53 tall.??? “Wow, that’s big.??? “Yes, ma’am. They grow them big down in Texas.??? “And a shirt and tie to go with it???? “Why, shore ma’am. 19½ 38.??? “Wow, that’s big.??? “Yes, ma’am. They grow them big down in Texas.??? “How about some shoes and socks???? “Why, shore ma’am. 15 double D.??? “Wow, that’s big too.??? “Yes, ma’am. They grow them big in Texas.??? “And a new hat???? “Why, shore ma’am. 9-5/8.??? “Wow, that’s really big.??? “Yes, ma’am. They grow them big down in Texas.??? She got him all decked out, rang up the sale and, as the Texan was counting out his money, couldn’t help but ask, “Sir, I don’t mean to be forward, but I wonder if I could I ask you a question???? “Why, shore ma’am. I already know what it is. And the answer is: 4 inches.??? She blushed slight, but blurted out, “Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!??? Without a blink, the Texan replied, “Really, ma’am? Thick????
Teetering on the Edge
A young Seattle woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Elliott Bay. Standing on the docks, staring at the frigid water, crying, she was teetering on the edge when a handsome young sailor passing by saw her, realized her plight and grabbed her arm just in the nick of time. “Miss, don’t do it. You’ve got so much to live for. Look, I’m off to Japan in the morning, and if you like, you can stow away on my ship. I promise to take good care of you and bring you food every day.??? He slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy…and you can keep me happy. Okay???? She considered this a moment, then nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor sneaked her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he faithfully brought her food and drink. She repaid his kindness the only way she knew how: they made passionate love all night. Two wonderful weeks passed until the Captain discovered her during a routine inspection. “What are you doing in here???? the Captain demanded. “Uh, I have an arrangement with one of your sailors,??? she explained bashfully. “He’s taking me to Japan and giving me free food and drink…and he’s screwing me.??? “He sure is, miss,??? said the Captain. “This is the ferry to Bremerton!???
Just Slip One In…
A woman complained to her friend that her husband was losing interest in sex. Her friend told her she should get him on Viagra. “Oh, Henry would never take anything like that! He’s too proud.??? “Here, just take some of mine. Slip one into his mashed potatoes at dinner tonight and he’ll never know what hit him!??? At dinner, she thinks, “Maybe one won’t be enough???? and slips in a handful. The next day, she called her friend. “You were right. It worked great! I slipped a bunch of them in his potatoes just like you said, and, not five minutes later, he jumped up, raked the dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped off my clothes, and made wild, passionate love right there on the table!??? Her friend was worried. “Oh, dear. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have given you so many.??? “Oh, don’t worry about it. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway!???
No Sex Since 1959
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
“1959, ma’am.”
“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking Everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1959!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1959!”
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, “I Hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”
(Don’t ya love military time?!)
How Dumb Is She?
A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing their wives. The Canadian says, “My wife must be the dumbest woman in the world. She bought $900 worth of meat at a supermarket sale, and we don’t even have a freezer!??? The Scotsman says, “That’s nothing! My wife bought a new car, and she can’t even drive!??? Not to be out-done, the Aussie says, “My wife is even dumber. Last week she left on her two-week holiday and she packed 20 condoms! And she don’t even have a penis!???
The Geography of a Woman
The Geography of a Woman
From age 13-18, a woman is like Africa: virgin and unexplored.
From age 18-30, she is like Asia: wild and exotic.
From age 30-45, she is like North America: fully developed and free with her resources.
From age 45-60, she is like Europe: well-explored, nearly worn out, but still has points of interest.
From age 60 on, she is like Australia: everybody knows it’s down there, but, nobody really cares.
At the Auction
A farmer and his wife were at livestock auction. The auctioneer announced the first bull had reproduced 60 times last year. The wife leans over to her husband and says, “Wow. That’s 5 times a month!??? When it was sold, the auctioneer announced the second bull had reproduced 120 times last year. The wife leans over to her husband and says, “Wow. That’s 10 times a month!??? When it was sold, the auctioneer announced the third bull had reproduced 365 times last year!??? The wife again leans over to her husband and gloats, “Wow. That’s once a day, every single day of the year! What’s wrong with you, honey???? Finally the irritated husband had had enough. “Nothin’. Once a day is fine! But why don’t you go ask that auctioneer if every day that bull had to do it with the same old cow!???