You may be a redneck if your Daddy’s last words were, “Hold my beer and watch this!”
An Alabama farmer was driving across a bridge when he noticed a man on the railing ready to jump. The farmer stopped his pickup, ran up to the man, and said, “Hey fellow, stop! Why are you doing this?” The man replied, “I have no reason to live.” The farmer said, “Think of your wife and children!” “I have no wife or children.” “Well, then, think of your parents!” “They died years ago.” “Well, then, think of General Robert E. Lee!” “Who?” The farmer gave up. “Jump, you damned Yankee!”
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag – it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
“How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says “One.”
The boss says “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says “$121,237.65.”
The boss says “$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?”
The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, So I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.
Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”
The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, “Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should . . . . . . go fishing!!”