The wife appeared before the judge and said, “I want a divorce.” The judge said, “Why do you want a divorce?” “Because my husband is a terrible lover.” “How long have you been married?” “Fourteen years.” “I don’t understand,” said the judge. “Why wait fourteen years to divorce your husband if he’s a terrible lover?” She said, “Because, your honor, until that salesman stopped by last week, I didn’t know!”
A husband shopped at Victoria’s Secret for a sheer negligee for his wife. He found several, with prices from $50 to $500; evidently, the sheer-er, the price-ier! Being a man, he picked the sheerest, took it home to his wife (without removing the price tag, of course) and asked her to model it. In their bedroom, she had an idea. “This thing is so sheer it might as well be nothing at all. If I don’t put it on, but model naked for him, tomorrow I can return it and keep the $500 for myself.” So she walked out on the upstairs balcony naked and struck a sexy pose for him. He looked up, grimmaced, and said, “Dammit! For $500, shouldn’t they at least iron it?!”
God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
And the man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically? telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds”.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I asked.
“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.
I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”
Without missing a beat he says “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”
He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
A married couple was lying in bed together. Suddenly she felt his hand on her shoulder. She murmured gently, “Ah… nice.” His hand moved to her breast. She grew more excited, “Sweetie, that’s wonderful.” His hand moved to her leg. She moaned, “Honey, don’t stop!” But then he stopped. “Why did you stop?” He responded with a click, “Because I found the remote!”
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare him an especially nice meal. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love to him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next year, I think there’s a good chance your husband will regain his health.” On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “what did the doctor tell you?” “He says you’re gonna die!”
A young farm couple got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. “Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.” They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor’s office. “What’s wrong? Didn’t my idea work?” “Oh, it worked good,” said Homer. “Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home agin.” “Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?” “I might ah trained her too good. I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started!”
A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing their wives. The Canadian says, “My wife must be the dumbest woman in the world. She bought $900 worth of meat at a supermarket sale, and we don’t even have a freezer!??? The Scotsman says, “That’s nothing! My wife bought a new car, and she can’t even drive!??? Not to be out-done, the Aussie says, “My wife is even dumber. Last week she left on her two-week holiday and she packed 20 condoms! And she don’t even have a penis!???
The Geography of a Woman
From age 13-18, a woman is like Africa: virgin and unexplored.
From age 18-30, she is like Asia: wild and exotic.
From age 30-45, she is like North America: fully developed and free with her resources.
From age 45-60, she is like Europe: well-explored, nearly worn out, but still has points of interest.
From age 60 on, she is like Australia: everybody knows it’s down there, but, nobody really cares.
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow, with a wonderful disposition, and it gave lots of milk and cream. Everybody loved it dearly. So the people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, so they would never have to worry about milk again. They brought a bull to the cow’s pasture. But when the bull tried to mount the cow from the right, the cow moved to the left. And when the bull tried to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on and on. Finally, in desperation, the people asked the Rabbi what to do. “Rabbi, all day we’ve tried to mate our cow. But when the bull tried to mount the cow from the right, the cow moved to the left. And when the bull tried to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. What do we do???? The Rabbi asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk???? “Rabbi! You are so wise! How did you know we got the cow from Minsk???? Sadly, the Rabbi said, “My wife is from Minsk….???