Two guys were talking at the bar. One said, “I didn’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything and what she doesn’t have she buys for herself. I asked a friend what to give her and he suggested a gift certificate for an hour of great sex, any way she wanted it.” “Great idea! Did you do it?” “Yeah.” “And did she like it?” “Yeah, that’s why I’m here, drinking alone. She loved it so much, she jumped up and down, thanked me, and ran out the door, yelling, “See you in an hour!”
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That’s Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a women’s way of saying F@!K YOU!
9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh.
A man asked the pharmacist for a vial of cyanide. “What for?” asked the pharmacist. “I want to poison my wife.” “Sir, I can’t sell you cyanide for that!” The man reached into his wallet, pulled out a photograph of his wife, and laid it on the counter. The pharmacist gasped, recovered, and politely remarked, “Uh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t realize you had a prescription!”
A man staggers into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped around his neck. “What happened?” “I was playing golf with my wife when she sliced her ball out of bounds and into a cow pasture. We went looking for it and, after a while I noticed one of the cows had something white near its tail. I walked over, lifted up its tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt! And that’s when things went horribly wrong.” “What happened?” asks the doctor. “I lifted its tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, honey! This looks like yours!'”
The wife appeared before the judge and said, “I want a divorce.” The judge said, “Why do you want a divorce?” “Because my husband is a terrible lover.” “How long have you been married?” “Fourteen years.” “I don’t understand,” said the judge. “Why wait fourteen years to divorce your husband if he’s a terrible lover?” She said, “Because, your honor, until that salesman stopped by last week, I didn’t know!”
A husband shopped at Victoria’s Secret for a sheer negligee for his wife. He found several, with prices from $50 to $500; evidently, the sheer-er, the price-ier! Being a man, he picked the sheerest, took it home to his wife (without removing the price tag, of course) and asked her to model it. In their bedroom, she had an idea. “This thing is so sheer it might as well be nothing at all. If I don’t put it on, but model naked for him, tomorrow I can return it and keep the $500 for myself.” So she walked out on the upstairs balcony naked and struck a sexy pose for him. He looked up, grimmaced, and said, “Dammit! For $500, shouldn’t they at least iron it?!”
God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
And the man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically? telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds”.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I asked.
“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.
I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”
Without missing a beat he says “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”
He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
A married couple was lying in bed together. Suddenly she felt his hand on her shoulder. She murmured gently, “Ah… nice.” His hand moved to her breast. She grew more excited, “Sweetie, that’s wonderful.” His hand moved to her leg. She moaned, “Honey, don’t stop!” But then he stopped. “Why did you stop?” He responded with a click, “Because I found the remote!”
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare him an especially nice meal. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love to him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next year, I think there’s a good chance your husband will regain his health.” On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “what did the doctor tell you?” “He says you’re gonna die!”