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Chuck Norris Facts (jokes)

Well, Chuck Norris Facts have been floating around the Internet for the last few years….and even Chuck Norris has gotten into the act. Here are some of the best ones I could find!

• Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
• Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
• There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
• In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
• Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
• Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
• Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
• When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
• Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
• When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
• Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
• Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
• When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
• God wanted 10 days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.
• You can get Norris tears. You have to milk his eyes, though, like you would a cobra’s fangs. Of course, Chuck Norris is much more dangerous than any cobra.
• Chuck Norris can drink so much that his urine is regularly used as a type of rocket fuel.
• Every year on his birthday, Chuck norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun
• Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas
• Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
• Many people think that the moons gravitational pull is what controls the tides. What the authorities do not want you to know is that it is really the power of the bohemith we know as CHUCK NORRIS!!!
• Guns don’t kill people, Chick Norris kills people
• Chuch Norris once punched a woman in the vagina because she didn’t give him exact change
• Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane by pointing his finger and yelling “bang”
• Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by pointing at her and saying “boo-ya”
• Chuck Norris doesn’t use a razor to shave in the morning, he roundhouse kicks himself in the face… because the only thing hard enough to cut Chuck Norris, is Chuck Norris.
• Every time Chuck Norris kills a man, an angel gets its wings.
• Before e-mail was invented, chuck norris would attatch messages to kittens and roundhouse them.
• chuck norris doesn’t need air, air needs chuck norris.
• When Chuck Norris was born, he had already had sex, three times
• Chuck Norris has counted to infinity – twice