A redneck was in the doctor’s office getting the results of his brain scan. The doctor said, “Billy Bob, these results are amazing. First, your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side.” Billy Bob interrupted, “Well, ain’t that normal, Doc? Don’t ever’body got two sides?” The doctor replied, “Well, yes, but on the left side of your brain there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left!”

A woman was walking down the street when she heard a booming voice shout, “Stop! Don’t take another step!” She obeyed and suddenly a ton of bricks fell right where she would have been. She looked around, saw no one and assumed she imagined the voice. She continued a few minutes until the same voice cried out again, “Stop! Don’t take another step!” She stopped just as an out of control car skidded past her and slammed into a utility pole. Looking around, seeing no one, she yelled, “Who are you?!” The voice answered, “I am your guardian angel. I warn you before something bad happens. Do you have any questions of me?” “Yes!” said the woman. “Where were you on my wedding day?!”

A man met an attractive mature woman in a nightclub. They had some drinks, danced a while, and when things got going she asked him if he’d ever had “a sportsman’s double?” “What’s a sportman’s double?” he asked. “A mother-daughter threesome,” she replied, rubbing his leg. Always interested in learning new things, he immediately headed to her place. She opened the front door, turned on the lights, and yelled upstairs, “Mom? You still awake?”

Barry was hired to play trumpet on a movie score and was thrilled when he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, he couldn’t wait to see the finished product. He waited a month and then asked the producer when and where it was going to play. The embarrassed producer explained that the music was for a porno and it was out now. Barry put on a hat and sunglasses, pulled up his collar, and sneaked into the porno theater. He sat far in the back, near an elderly couple who were also hiding. The movie was the filthiest, most perverse flick he’d ever seen… halfway through a dog even got in on the action. Embarrassed, Barry whispered to the old couple, “I’m only here for the music.” The woman looked back and whispered, “It’s okay. We’re just here to see our dog!”

A bartender had a standing bet of $1,000 that his grip was stronger than anyone. To prove it, he would squeeze a lemon and then hand it to his challenger. If the challenger could squeeze out even one more drop, he’d win. Weightlifters, longshoremen, construction workers… many had tried, but none succeeded. But then a scrawny little man in thick glasses and a polyester suit took up the challenge. The crowd laughed, but the bartender grabbed a lemon, squeezed his best, and then tossed it to the slight man. The laughter turned to silence when the little man produced not just one drop, but six more! Everyone cheered. As the bartender counted out the money, he asked, “What do you do for a living, fella? Wrestler? Lumberjack?” The little guy pushed up his spectacles and squeeked, “Nope. I work for the IRS!”

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, Bill decided to solve both of his problems. He took out a large insurance policy on his wife, making himself the beneficiary, and then hired an underworld figure to kill her. The killer, let’s call him “Artie,” explained that his price was $5,000. Bill said he was more than happy to pay that much but he would have to use the money from his wife’s insurance policy. Artie insisted on a down payment in cash, so Bill opened his wallet and showed Artie the single, lonely dollar bill inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the down payment. Artie followed Bill’s wife to the local grocery, surprised her in the produce department and strangled her. As she slumped to the floor, the produce manager happened upon the scene. Not wanting to leave a witness, Artie had no choice but to strangle him too. But the entire proceeding was captured on video by the store’s security system, the police were summoned, and Artie was arrested leaving the building. Questioned by the police, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless Bill. Which is why, the next day’s newspaper headline declared, “Artie Chokes Two for a Dollar at Safeway!”

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant
at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up…so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folks think!

Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, “Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…..

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

Little Johnny was playing in the backyard when some honeybees started annoying him. He tried to stomp on them, but his father reprimanded him, saying, “Stop that, John! Now you’ll get no honey for a month!” Later, Little Johnny caught some butterflies and started torturing them. His father yelled, “Stop that, John! Now you’ll get no butter for a month!” That evening, as Little Johnny’s mother prepared dinner, a cockroach scurried across the kitchen floor. She stomped it dead. Little Johnny looked at his father and asked, “You gonna tell her or should I?”

Luke’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After applying the “miracle” products, she asked him, “Darling, what age would you say I am?” Luke looked her over carefully and then said, “Judging from your skin, twenty. Judging from your hair, eighteen. Judging from your figure, twenty-five. ” “Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed. “Hang on!” Luke interrupted. “Let me finish adding them up!”