A woman held a young baby in the doctor’s examination room. When the doctor arrived, he examined the baby, weighed it, and found it slightly below normal. “Is this baby breast-fed or bottle-fed,” he asked. “Breast fed,” she replied. “Strip down to your waist,” he ordered. She did. He pressed, felt and cupped both breasts thoroughly, then told her to get dressed. “It’s no wonder this child is underweight. You don’t have any milk.” “I know,” replied the woman. “Actually, I’m his grandmother, but I’m sure glad I brought him!”

A farmer dropped by the local tavern, ordered a cold one and said, “This is a special day. I’m celebrating.” “What a coincidence,” said the woman on the next stool. “I’m celebrating, too.” “What are you celebrating?” she asked, clinking glasses with him. “I’ve been raising chickens, but my hens were all infertile,” he replied, “but today they’re finally fertile.” “What a coincidence,” said the woman. “My husband and I have been trying to have a child for a long time with no luck. But today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant! So what did you do to help your chickens become fertile?” “I switched cocks,” he replied. She smiled. “Small world, isn’t it?”

Every Sunday, during the children’s sermon, all the children attending church were invited to come forward. One morning, as they sat down, the pastor remarked to one little girl, “What a pretty dress! Is it new?” The little girl replied directly into the pastor’s microphone, “Yes, and Mommy says it’s a bitch to iron!”

A special agent, an administrative specialist and an office manager were walking to lunch when they found an antique lamp. They rubbed it and of course a magic genie appeared in a puff of smoke. “Since I always grant three wishes, you each may have one.” “Me, first! Me, first!” cried the administrative specialist. “I want to drive a speedboat in the Bahamas without a care in the world!” And poof! she was gone. “Me, next! Me, next!” cried the special agent. “I want to relax on the beach in Hawaii with a personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” And poof! she was gone. Finally it was the manager’s turn. The manager said, “I want those two assholes back in the office after lunch!” The moral of the story? Always let your boss have the first say!

A man asked the pharmacist for a vial of cyanide. “What for?” asked the pharmacist. “I want to poison my wife.” “Sir, I can’t sell you cyanide for that!” The man reached into his wallet, pulled out a photograph of his wife, and laid it on the counter. The pharmacist gasped, recovered, and politely remarked, “Uh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t realize you had a prescription!”

A blonde walking by a travel agency notices a sign in the window, “Cruise Special — $99!” She goes inside, hands the agent her money, and says, “I’d like the $99 cruise special, please.” The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, pushes her in and leaves her, floating downstream. A few minutes later another blonde passes by, sees the sign, goes inside, and pays for the $99 cruise special. She receives the same treatment. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. As they float along, side-by-side, the first blonde asks, “Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?” The other replies, “They didn’t last year!”

The Sunday School teacher asked her class, “Which part of the body gets to heaven first?” Little Suzi quickly raised her hand. “I think it’s your mind, teacher, because you have to have a mind to believe in God.” “Very good, Suzi.” Little Cathy’s hand went up. “I think it’s your heart, teacher, because God is all about love.” “Very good, Cathy.” Little Johnnie’s hand shot up. She thought, “Oh, no,” but called on him anyway. Little Johnnie said, “I think it’s your feet.” The teacher breathed a sigh of relief. “Why do you think people’s feet get to Heaven first, Johnny?” she asked. “Because last night, when I sneaked past my parents’ bedroom, my mom had her feet way up in the air and she was yelling, ‘Oh, God! I’m coming!’”

An elderly couple decides, “Tonight is the night.” She slips into something sexy and crawls into bed. He heads into the bathroom. She waits and waits until she can’t stand the suspense; she climbs out of bed, gets up, goes to the bathroom, and opens the door. She sees him bent over, trying to put on a condom. She giggles, “Honey, what are you doing? I’m 86 years old. There’s no way I can get pregnant!” He looks up at her and says, “I know, honey, but you know how dampness affects my arthritis!”

An old Indian was sitting in front of the hardware store. Every time a pretty woman passed by, he raised his hand and said, “Chance.” One curious woman asked him, “Why is it that whenever a woman walks past, you raise your hand and say ‘Chance?’ I thought Indians raised their hand and said ‘how.’” The old Indian replied, “Me know how. Me hoping for chance!”

A plane crashed near a desert island and the only survivors were a man and Cindy Crawford. As the days passed into weeks and the weeks passed into months, they grew closer until, eventually, they were sleeping together. After a year or more of living out everyman’s fantasy, the man grew frustrated. Concerned, Cindy asked if there was anything she could do to help. He responded, “Well, there is one thing. Tomorrow, could you wear this baseball cap and let me call you Bob?” Assuming the isolation was getting to him, she agreed. The next morning, he walked up to her and said, “Hi ya, Bob!” Cindy responded, “Hey, buddy. What’s new?” “Bob, guess what? I’m sleeping with Cindy Crawford!”