Two Nuns in a convenience store (joke)

Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section.

One asks the other if she would like a beer.

The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it.

The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”

The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, “Here, don’t forget the curlers.”

The Doctor’s Appointment (joke)

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.

“How much do you weigh?” she asks.

“115,” she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.

It turns out her weight is 140 (I wish).

The nurse asks, “Your height?”

“5 foot 8,” she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5′ 5″.

She then takes her blood pressure

And tells the woman it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” she screams,

“When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

Little Johnny’s Prayer

Little Johnny wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God,  USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through  Washington, DC., and those sorry suckers deducted $95.00 in taxes.

Morning Sex

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.  He walked in.   She turned and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.”

His eyes lit up and he thought, “This is my lucky day.” Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on  the kitchen table.  Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

Want to be a movie star?

A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and  said “I want to be a movie star.” Tall, handsome and with experience  on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, “What’s your name?”

The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”

The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get  into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.”

“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.  Not ever.”

The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!  I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”

“So be it! I guess we will not do business together” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

FIVE YEARS LATER….. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.   Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.  The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed…

“Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.  You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.  I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?”

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. “What is your last request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse….alone.”

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.

Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, “Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!”

The Sheer Negligee

A husband shopped at Victoria’s Secret for a sheer negligee for his wife. He found several, with prices from $50 to $500; evidently, the sheer-er, the price-ier! Being a man, he picked the sheerest, took it home to his wife (without removing the price tag, of course) and asked her to model it. In their bedroom, she had an idea. “This thing is so sheer it might as well be nothing at all. If I don’t put it on, but model naked for him, tomorrow I can return it and keep the $500 for myself.” So she walked out on the upstairs balcony naked and struck a sexy pose for him. He looked up, grimmaced, and said, “Dammit! For $500, shouldn’t they at least iron it?!”

In case it gets hot (blonde joke)

A newscaster asked three women what one item they would take with them if they were going to be stranded on a deserted island. The brunette said, “Food, so I can eat.” The redhead said, “Water, so I can drink.” The blond said, “A car door.” The newscaster asked, “What? A car door? Why?” The blonde replied, “Because then if it gets hot, I can roll down the window!”

The Irishman’s Wish

Ir you’re Irish – this joke should bring a smile to your face!

An Irishman walking along the beach found a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up, brushed it off, and out popped a genie. “Since you have freed me from this bottle, I will grant you three wishes.” The Irishman thought a moment and said, “I’m feeling a might thirsty. I think I’ll wish for a pint of stout.” And poof! there was a pint of stout in his hand. He drank it down and started to toss the bottle away, when the genie said, “Look at that bottle before you throw it away.” He did and watched as it magically refilled itself with stout. “That’s a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever you empty it. So what are your other wishes?” The Irishman grinned. “I’ll be taking two more of these!”

Revenge

A woman convinced her boyfriend to try a new drink: Bailey’s, lime juice, and salt. She lined up the ingredients on the counter and explained, “First, put a pinch of salt on your tongue, then hold a shot of Bailey’s in your mouth while you drink a shot of lime juice.” Skeptical, but willing to go along, he put some salt on his tongue. Hmm; salty but okay. Then he took a shot of Bailey’s; smooth, rich, pleasant. He thought, “So far, so good.” Then he added the lime juice. The sharp taste hit him and a second later, curdled the Bailey’s to a consistency like mucous. His mouth felt like it was full of snot, which triggered his gag reflex but, being a manly man and wanting to impress his girlfriend, he just grimmaced and swallowed the foul fluid. When he finally regained the ability to speak, he asked her, “Damn! What do you call that concoction?” She smiled and said, “The B. J. Revenge!”

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