Two Irishmen, adrift in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, spied a lamp floating nearby. They retrieved it, and, hoping against hope, rubbed it. Sure enough, a genie appeared. “I will grant you one wish,” said the genie. “One? What about three?” “One or none; take it or leave it!” Without thinking, Pat blurted out, “Turn the ocean into Guinness!” The genie clapped his hands as he disappeared and the entire sea turned into Guinness. As the beer lapped gently against the hull, Mike looked disgusted. “Dammit, Pat. Ya shoulda thought ahead. Now we’re going to have to pee in the damned boat!”
Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith’s house. She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message. As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened! Convinced the man must be sticking his foot in the doorway, she reared back to slam it hard enough to teach him a lesson, when he cried, “Ma’am, before you do that again, you really should move your cat!”
A mortician, working late one night, was preparing the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated. He was startled by the size of Schwartz’s penis. “I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a penis like that. It should be saved for posterity.” And, with that, he removed the dead man’s penis, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home to show his wife. “Dear, I have something to show you,” he said, opening his briefcase. “Oh, my God!” screamed his wife. “Schwartz is dead!”
At the Christian bookstore I found a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I do, so I bought it, put it on my bumper, and then headed home. It’s a good thing I did because, while I was stopped at a red light, lost in thought about how good the Lord is, I didn’t notice the light change. Luckily someone else loved Jesus because, if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. Lots of people loved Jesus. A guy behind me started honking like crazy, then leaned out his window and screamed, “For the love of God, go. Go! Jesus Christ, lady, GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader for Jesus! Soon he had everyone honking. I leaned out my window and waved at all the loving people. I even honked a few times myself to share the love. One guy yelled something about a sunny beach. Another waved in a funny way–I think it was a Hawaiian good luck sign, so I gave him that good luck sign back. Some folks were so full of joy that they left their cars and walked towards me. They probably wanted to pray with me but by then I noticed the light had changed, so I waved at all my brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection just as the light turned red again. I felt sad that they all had to stay behind after sharing all that love, so I leaned out the window and gave that Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord!
This Cash4Gold letter is one of the funniest things I’ve seen! Can you imagine getting this in the mail? This guy seemed to be so proud of it that he framed it!
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon Graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy’s gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?! ” After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. “We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola.”
Little Johnny asked his wise old uncle where babies came from. “Well, Johnny, it’s simple. The man puts his penÂ¡s inside the woman and she gets pregnant.” “Oh,” said Little Johnny with a worried look. “What’s wrong, John?” asked his uncle. Little Johnny asked, “Does the man ever get his penÂ¡s back?”
A man called a musician and said, “I need about six guys to play my daughter’s wedding reception. What do you charge?” The musician replied, “$2,000.” “What? Two grand for a band? That’s outrageous!” The musician said, “I’ll tell you what: you call the plumbers union and get six plumbers to work from six o’clock until midnight on a Saturday night. Whatever they charge, I’ll charge you half!”
Superman, patrolling Metropolis on a particularly boring day, spied Wonder Woman on the beach, sunbathing in the nude! Remembering that he was “faster than a speeding bullet,” he wondered if he could score with Wonder Woman before she knew what hit her. He swooped down, finished in an instant, and then flew away wearing a big happy grin. Wonder Woman sat up in the sand. “What in hell was that?!” And the Invisible Man replied, “I don’t know, but my butt hurts!”
Years ago, a man was riding the train from New Orleans , eating a bag of fresh shrimp, ripping them apart, and throwing the shells out the window. The woman sitting opposite him said, “Would you mind not doing that? It’s disgusting to watch.” He replied, “It’s none of your business, hon. I paid my fare and I’ll do what I want.” And he continued until he finished the bag. Full, he settled back for a nap. The woman pulled out her knitting. Soon all the man could hear was that incessant clicking and clacking. Soon he said, “Would you stop that noise? I’m trying to sleep!” She replied, “It’s none of your business. I paid my fare and I’ll do what I want.” The man grabbed her knitting and tossed it out the window. She immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. He started laughing. “You’re gonna get fined for that!” The woman replied, “And you’re going to jail …after the police smell your fingers!”