The Blonde Goes to Vegas (joke)

The blonde plopped down in First Class in spite of her Coach ticket. The stewardess informed her, “Miss, you’re going to have to move to your seat.” But the blonde merely smiled smugly. “Honey, you don’t understand: I’m cute, I’m blonde, and when I get to Las Vegas, I’m going to be rich.” Even the head stewardess couldn’t make her move. “I’m cute, I’m blonde, and when I get to Las Vegas, I’m going to be rich.” Finally the Captain was summoned. He whispered in the blonde’s ear, she gave him a surprised look, then stood up and moved quietly to Coach. The stewardesses were impressed. “What did you say to get her to leave?” “Oh, I just told her ‘First Class doesn’t stop in Las Vegas!'”

Yard Work (joke)

A woman was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!

Why WALMART???

WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

Bubba in the City (joke)

Bubba rented an apartment in New York City and went out in the hallway to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady in a robe came out of the next apartment. Bubba smiled, and they struck up a conversation. Talking animatedly, her robe slipped open, making it obvious she had nothing else on. Trying his damnedest to maintain eye contact, poor Bubba eventually broke out in a sweat. A few seconds later, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Come into my apartment. I hear someone coming…” Bubba followed her inside. She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall open completely. She purred, “So, what would you say is my best asset?” The flustered, embarrassed Bubba stammered, cleared his throat and finally squeaked, “Well, you’re sure a pretty lady, but I’d have to say your ears!” She’s astounded! “What? With a body like mine, you say ‘ears?'” “Because, you know, outside… when you said you heard someone coming… Hell, lady that was me!”

The Church Organist (joke)

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl. “Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.”

Stranded on a Desert Island

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, ‘Where did you come from? How did you get here?’ She replies, ‘I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.’

‘Amazing,’ he notes. ‘You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.’ ‘Oh, this thing?’ explains the woman. ‘I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.’

‘But, where did you get the tools?’

‘Oh, that was no problem,’ replied the woman. ‘On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.’

The guy is stunned.

‘Let’s row over to my place,’ she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, ‘It’s not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?’

‘No! No thank you,’ he blurts out, still dazed. ‘I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.’ ‘It’s not coconut juice,’ winks the woman. ‘I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?’

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, ‘I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.’

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

‘This woman is amazing,’ he muses. ‘What next?’

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

‘Tell me,’ she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, ‘We’ve been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for?’ She stares into his eyes…

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes…..

‘F*****g hell, don’t tell me you’ve got Fox Sports?’

Dog Food Diet (joke)

Yesterday at Wal-Mart I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for Athena, the wonder dog. I was in the check-out line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no I didn’t have a dog, but that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I told her I probably shouldn’t because last time I’d ended up in the hospital! I’d lost 50 pounds when I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I thought I’d try it again. By this time everyone in this line (and others) was now enthralled with my weight loss story. Horrified, she asked if I was in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no – I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore!

The new Facelift (joke)

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’

The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay….How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’

‘I promise I won’t’ she says.

‘I was behind you at McDonalds.’

The clever letter (joke)

A 63-year-old accountant left this letter on his kitchen counter. “Dear Wife: By the time you read this letter I will be at the grand Hotel with my beautiful, sexy, 21-year-old secretary.” When he arrived at the Grand Hotel he had a letter waiting for him at the front desk. “Dear Husband: I, too, am 63years old. By the time you receive this letter I will be at a better hotel with our handsome, virile, 21-year-old gardener. You, being an accountant, will well appreciate that 21 goes into 63 many more times than 63 goes into 21.”

I hear they eat dogs… (joke)

This is the classic immigrant joke…I can see this happening in New York City, can’t you?

Two foreign immigrants, newly arrived in the United States, noticed people lining up to buy food from a cart. “I’ve heard that people here eat dogs.” “Really?” said her friend, “But we’re in America, so we should do as Americans do.” They headed for the cart. “Two dogs, please,” she said. The vendor handed her two hot dogs wrapped in foil. They excitedly headed for a bench and unwrapped their meal. The first to open the foil blushed and whispered to her friend, “What part did you get?”

Connolly Hot Dog Roll-a-Grill
Connolly Hot Dog Roll-a-Grill
Roller Hot Dog Grill from Nemco features six rollers with a 10 dog capacity. Compact unit measures 13-3/4″ x 10″ x 7″ and has a 200 per hour capacity. Electric power – plug it in and go. Rugged stainless steel and aluminum construction. Individual chain drive mechanism reduces wear. Heat shrunk Teflon rings protect bearing areas from grease. Removable grease drip pan makes for easy cleaning. Available in non-stick silverstone or chrome roller grills. Bun box available seperately. 120V, 330 Watts, 3.0 Amps.

NEW! Hot Diggity Dog Costume KETCHUP - LARGE
NEW! Hot Diggity Dog Costume KETCHUP – LARGE
Turn any dog into a hot dog! The new Hot Diggity Dog costume features two plump, plush poppy seed buns with zig zag mustard along the back. A fabulous costume that would turn heads!Sizing Guide: Measure length of pet’s back from the base of the neck to the base of the tail. If the measurement is between sizes of if pet has a stouter build, we recommend selecting the next size up for a proper fit.Small: Up to 10″ Toy Poodle, Silky Terrior, Yorkshire Terrier, Boston Terrier, Chihuahua, Maltese, Pomeraninan, Jack Russell Terrier, Australian Terrier, Pug. Large: 14″ to 18″ Springer Spaniel, Brittany Spaniel, Border Collie, Dalmation.Easy to Put On and Take off Adjustable Elasticized Velcro Straps Secure and Comfortable Fit

Watchin’ for the cops (blonde joke)

A redhead was well over the speed limit when she asked her blonde passenger, “See any cops behind us?” The blonde turned around for a long look. “Hey, yeah, I do.” “Damn!” said the redhead. “Are his flashers on?” The blonde replied, “Yep, nope. Yep, nope. Yep, nope.”

Jokes, Funny Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Blonde Jokes, Adult Jokes, and Funny Stuff to Keep you Laughing!