Jim finished his drink, stood up, and appeared ready to head home. The bartender said, “Hey, buddy. Why’re ya goin’ home so soon? It’s only ten o’clock. You’re usually here until after midnight. Something wrong tonight?” Jim responded, “Nothing’s wrong. I just got a sore butt from sitting so long on this bar stool.” “Jim, I’ve got just the thing for you,” said the bartender, reaching to a shelf behind the bar. He opened a bottle of pills and handed two to Jim. Jim looked at the pills and asked, “What’s this? Aspirin?” “No,” said the bartender. “Stool softener!”
Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 Grand.
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they Both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Bonus Commandment story:
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too, but he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled and said, “It really works!”
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady idignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”
This isn’t exactly the nursery rhyme you heard in grade school!
Little Red Riding Hood was skipping thru the forest when she saw the Big Bad Wolf crouched behind a log. “My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.” The wolf jumped up and ran away. She walked a little farther and then she saw the Big Bad Wolf again, this time crouched behind a bush. “My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.” Again the wolf jumped up and ran away. She walked a little farther and then she spied the Big Bad Wolf again, this time crouched behind a rock. “My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf.” The wolf screamed back, “Damn it, kid! Can’t a wolf take a sh¡t in the woods?!”
A Frenchwoman took her young daughter to the Louvre. As they stood before a statue of a nude male, the child pointed at its penis and asked, “Mama, what’s that?” “Oh, nothing, Cherie.” “I want one,” said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter’s attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. “I want one. I want one like that one,” she kept repeating. Finally, her mother said, “If you’re a good girl and stop talking about it now, I promise you that when grow up, you will have one.” “And if I’m bad?” Her mother sighed. “Then you will have many!”
At the end of another long day, a cop parked at the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner started barking. As he opened his door, he saw a little boy staring in at him. “Is that a dog you got back there?” asked the boy. “It sure is,” he replied. Puzzled, the boy asked, “What’d he do?”
A man went to the doctor with a swollen foot. After careful examination, the doctor gave him a huge pill. “I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor said. The doctor was gone quite a while and eventually the man lost his patience. He hobbled to the sink, forced the huge pill down, slurped water from the sink until the pill cleared his throat, and then hobbled back onto the examining table. In walks the doctor with a bucket of warm water. “Okay, once the tablet has dissolved, soak your foot in it for at least a half hour.”
A man ordered a hamburger and a hotdog at a restaurant. After a few minutes, the waitress came to his table with the hamburger stuffed under her armpit. “Why do you have a hamburger in your armpit?” he asked. She replied, “I’m keeping it warm for you.” The man said, “Cancel my hotdog!”
A man who had a 25 inch long penis went to his doctor to complain that he was having a problem with this rather massive instrument and has had more than one complaint. “Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?” The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you.” So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. “Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my last hope!” The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, “I think I may be able to help you. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem.” The man’s face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?”
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, “NO.” The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. “WOW,” he screamed out loud, “This is great!!” But at 20 inches it was still too long, so he asked the frog again. “Frog, will you marry me?” the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, “NO!” The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, “This is fantastic.” He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, “Frog will you marry me?” The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, “How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!”
Seymour Schwartz was a good, deeply religious man. When he passed away, God greeted him at the Pearly Gates. “Hungry, Seymour?” saith God. “I could eat,” replied Seymour. God opened a can of tuna fish and grabbed a loaf of rye bread and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries, and fine wines. Curious but deeply trusting, Seymour remained quiet. The next day God again invited Seymour to join him for a meal. Again, he served tuna and rye bread. Once again, Seymour watched the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. And still Seymour said nothing. The following day, another can of tuna was opened. Seymour could contain himself no longer. “Lord, I led a pious, obedient life and I am grateful to be here in heaven with you as my reward. But all we ever eat is tuna and rye bread, while in Hell they eat like kings! Forgive me, God, I just don’t understand…” God sighed. “Let’s be honest, Seymour. For just two people, does it pay to cook?”