An old man said to his doctor, “Doc, tomorrow’s my eightieth birthday. I want to do it just one more time before I die, so I’ve hired a hooker for the night. Can you give me something to get it up?” The doctor smiled. “Normally, I don’t prescribe this stuff, but in your case, I could probably make an exception.” On the night of the “celebration,” the doctor got curious and phoned the man. “How’s it going?” “Fabulous,” replied the old man. “I’ve come three times already!” “Great,” said the doctor. “I’ll bet the hooker is astounded.” “Not exactly,” said the old man. “She’s not here yet!”
The Pastor’s Transportation
Pastor Brown was driving to church Sunday in his Cadillac when he spied Pastor White riding a bicycle. He stopped and asked, “What happened to your Chevy?” “Things have been tight lately. I had to sell it to pay the church mortgage.” “You need to preach on tithing and the importance of sharing one’s wealth with God and Church this Sunday, Pastor White. How do you think I got my new Cadillac?” The next Sunday he saw Pastor White only this week he was walking. “What happened? Did you have to sell your bike?” “No,” said Pastor White. “I think one of my parishioners stole it.” “That’s terrible,” said Father Brown. “This Sunday, preach the Ten Commandments and when you get to ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ lay it on extra heavy. I guarantee your bike will mysteriously reappear.” Sure enough, the following Sunday Pastor Brown saw Pastor White, and this week he was back on his bicycle. Pastor Brown said, “See? I told you the Ten Commandments would do the trick.” Pastor White sheepishly replied, “Well, it did help, but not like you thought. When I got to ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I remembered where I left my bike!”
Two Blondes Walking (joke)
Two blondes were walking down the street when one saw a compact lying on the sidewalk. She picked it up, opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” The other blonde said, “Let me see.” She grabbed the compact, took a look and said, “You dumbass! That’s me!”
Hooked on Phonics Joke
Little Johnny jokes crack me up, didn’t we all know somebody like this when we were kids?
Little Johnny was five years old and just learning to read. He and his mother were reading a book on animals when he pointed at one page and cried, “Look, Mommy! It’s a frickin’ elephant!” His mother took a deep breath and said, “What did you say?” “It’s a frickin’ elephant, Mama! Look! It says so right here!” And so it did: “African Elephant.” Ain’t Hooked on Phonics wonderful?
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The Name is Fred (joke)
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Dingaling. I know — a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.’
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Farmer Brown and the City Slicker
Farmer Brown took pity on the young city slicker and agreed to hire him for a day. But while spray painting the barn, he got paint on the donkey through the open door. Farmer Brown was furious, but gave him another chance. But when he replaced barb wire on a fence, a rooster got in the way and he nailed him to a fence post. “One more screw-up and you’re gone, son!” said Farmer Brown. “Let’s see if you can mow my yard. Even a city slicker should be able to do that!” But he didn’t see Farmer Brown’s pet cat lying in the tall grass and ran over it. Brown was livid and called the local sheriff. “I’m sorry, Farmer Brown, but why should I arrest him? On what charge?” “Well, Sheriff, first he painted my ass red, then he nailed my cock to the fence, and finally, he ran over my wife’s pussy with the lawn mower!”
It’s Fart Football!
An elderly couple has only been in bed for a few minutes when the man farts. He says, “7 points!” She asks, “7 points for what?” The old man replies, “It’s fart football.” A minute later, she fires one off. “Touchdown! Tie score,” she announces. A few minutes pass and the old man farts again. “Touchdown! I’m up, 14 to 7.” Not to be outdone, the wife rips another. “Touchdown! Tie score.” A few seconds later, she pinches off a tiny squeaker. “Field goal! I lead, 17-14.” The pressure is on. The old man refuses to lose. He strains and strains but to no avail. Finally, he gives it everything he’s got, but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife asks, “What in the hell was that?” And the old man replies, “Halftime! Switch sides!”
A Blonde Goes to the Doctor
A doctor puts a terribly overweight blonde on a diet. “Eat regularly for two days and then skip a day. Repeat this for two weeks and then come see me. By then you should have lost five pounds.” The blonde returns after two weeks, but she’s lost twenty pounds! “That’s amazing!” says her doctor. “Did you follow my instructions exactly?” The blonde nods. “I did, but I thought I was gonna die that third day.” “From hunger?” “No, from skipping!”
Sherlock Holmes and the 3 Bananas (joke)
“Good evening, ladies,” said Sherlock Holmes, passing three women eating bananas on a park bench. “Do you know them?” asked Dr. Watson. “No,” Holmes replied, “I’ve never met that nun, the prostitute or the bride.” “Good Lord, Holmes, how on Earth do you know that?” “Elementary, my dear Watson: the nun ate her banana by breaking off small pieces. The prostitute grabbed it with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth.” “Amazing!” exclaimed Watson. “But how do you know the third is a newlywed?” “Because she held hers in one hand and then pushed her head toward it with the other!”
The Blonde Mortician Joke
Wow, I’ve heard a lot of “great blonde jokes” but this one really threw me!
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and s says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .
She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’ To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
‘There’s no charge,’ she says.
‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.
‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearin g a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’
‘So I just switched the heads.’