McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
“S’cuse me”, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, “What was that all about?”
“Nothin’, said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!”
A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver
Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it
to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, “Why, that’s a
Thermos….. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
“Wow, said the blonde, “that’s amazing…I’m going to buy it!” So
she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. “What’ s that ?” he asked.
“Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold,” she replied.
Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”
The blond replied….. “Two popsicles and some coffee.”
Wife : “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.”
Husband : “How about the ones like mine?”
Wife : “They gave those away.”
Husband : “I had a dream too…I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.”
Wife : “And how much for the ones like mine?”
Husband : “That’s where they held the auction.”
Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled upon an old lamp. Secretly hoping a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To Patrick’s amazement, a genie came forth.? This particular genie, however, could grant only one wish, instead of the standard three wishes.? Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness beer!”
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as Patrick and Michael considered their circumstances. Abruptly, Michael turned to Patrick, whose wish had been granted.
After a tension-filled moment, he spoke:? “Nice going Patrick, now we are going to have to pee in the boat!”
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night”
She said, “Aye, did ya now. And what was your toast?”
John replied, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.? The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.? You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years.? Once he fell asleep, and another time… I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Here are 6 hilarious photos of 6 bitter breakups (or divorces)! You sure wouldn’t want to be the one on the receiving end of any of these!
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Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s
provisions, Patrick stumbled upon an old lamp. Secretly hoping a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To Patrick’s amazement, a genie came
forth.? This particular genie, however, could grant only one wish, instead of the standard three wishes.? Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness beer!”
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as Patrick and Michael considered their
circumstances. Abruptly, Michael turned to Patrick, whose wish had been granted.
After a tension-filled moment, he spoke:? “Nice going Patrick, now we are going to have to pee in the boat!”
A lady walks into Tiffany’s. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”
He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit when I tell you the price.”
If you don’t laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!? This is even funnier when you realize it’s real! Next time you have
a bad day at work think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He? performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a
worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sis,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you? ? to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.? Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other? ? divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.”
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
Loving husband Jeff was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and
his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds
flat, AND IT BETTER BE THERE.”
The next morning, Jeff got up really early before work. When his wife woke
up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough,
there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the
box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Jeff is not yet able to have visitors.
