A bloke went into a pub, sat down at the bar and ordered five pots. The barman wondered since he was alone, but served up the five pots. And the bloke downed them all… one, two, three, four, five. As he finished the last one, he called to the barman and ordered four more. The barman served up four pots and the bloke downed them… one, two, three, four. He belched, swayed a little on his stool, but ordered three more. And again he knocked them back… one, two, three. “Two potsh, mate!” he called. The barman served him two pots and down they went… one, two. “One pot, sssir!” The barman served him one but the bloke just sat there, staring at it, trying to focus. Then he told the barman, “Y’know, it’sh ssstrange, but the lesssh I drink, the drunker I feel!”
Ir you’re Irish – this joke should bring a smile to your face!
An Irishman walking along the beach found a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up, brushed it off, and out popped a genie. “Since you have freed me from this bottle, I will grant you three wishes.” The Irishman thought a moment and said, “I’m feeling a might thirsty. I think I’ll wish for a pint of stout.” And poof! there was a pint of stout in his hand. He drank it down and started to toss the bottle away, when the genie said, “Look at that bottle before you throw it away.” He did and watched as it magically refilled itself with stout. “That’s a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever you empty it. So what are your other wishes?” The Irishman grinned. “I’ll be taking two more of these!”
A young gay man’s friends intervened to help his problem drinking. He got involved with AA and after much struggle was clean and sober for a year. To celebrate, he held a small dinner party for his friends who were quite proud of him. He swore then and there to use the same techniques to stop smoking. A year later, he held another party to celebrate being tobacco free. Again, his friends were amazed at his good health. A year later, he hosted another party to announce, “I’m no longer gay.” All his friends, both gay and straight, were amazed. “How have you managed to change your life so drastically? ” “Did you use the same techniques you did when you stopped drinking and smoking?” “Was it a change of lifestyle?” “Was it religious?” He quieted them all and said, “Oh, nothing so drastic. It’s just that, after I quit smoking, everything tasted different!”
Paddy Reilly and his wife were awakened at 4:00 AM by a loud pounding on the door. Paddy gets up and goes to the door where an inebriated stranger, standing in the pouring rain. is asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says Paddy, “It’s 3:00 in the morning.” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asks his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push.” says Paddy.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No I did not. It’s 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well. You have a short memory,”says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and these two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself.”
Paddy does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out in the dark: “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes” comes the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out Paddy.
“Yes, please.” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks Paddy.
“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.