Back in the glorious days of luxury train travel, Luigi and his new bride, Virginia, honeymooned in Florida by train. Upon his return, Luigi stopped by the Italian-American Club in his old neighborhood and all his friends wanted to hear the details about his trip. Luigi said, “Ever’thing was’a perfect except for da train ride’a down. That train has’a too many rules!” “What’a you mean, Luigi?” asked a friend. “Well, it’sa like ‘dis. We board’a da train atta Grand Central Station. My beautiful’a Virginia had packed a big’a basket a food an’ vino an’ cigars for da trip. Ever’thing was okay until we got’a hungry and I opened up’a Virginia’s lunch’a basket. The conductor come by, wagged his’a finger at us and’a say, ‘No eat in dese’a car. Must’a use’a dining car.’ So, me and my Virginia we go to da dining car, eat our big’a lunch and open’a our bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his’a finger and say, ‘No drink’a in dese’a car. Must’a use’a club’a car.’ So we go to club’a car. While we drink da vino, I light’a my big’a cigar. An’ don’cha know that same conductor came by again, waggin’ his a’finger and say, ‘No smoke’a in dese’a car. Must’a go to smoker car.’ So we go to da smoker car and I smoke’a my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car and’a we go to bed. And we were just about to have’a sex when that conductor come’a through yelling, ‘No’folk’a, Virginia!'”
All posts by topjokes
Something to Hang on To
A dentist said to his patient, “This is just a shot to numb your jaw before we pull that tooth.” The patient replied, “No, don’t! I’m afraid of needles.” The dentist said, “Okay, I’ll use gas to put you to sleep.” The man said, “No, you can’t. I’m allergic to nitrous oxide.” The dentist said, “Hmm. I’ll be back in a moment. Let me look for something else.” A few minutes later he returned with a couple of blue pills. The guy asked, “What’s that? It looks like Viagra.” The dentist replied, “It is Viagra. It won’t lessen your pain, but they’ll give you something to hang onto while I pull that tooth!”
Little Johnny in the Kitchen
A mother was working in the kitchen while her 5-year-old son played with his electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son announce, “All you bastards who want off, get the hell off now! And all you bastards who want on, get your ass on the train ’cause we’re headin’ down the tracks!” The horrified woman ran into the living room. “You know we don’t use language like that in this house. Go to your room and stay there for two hours!” He hung his head and walked upstairs. Two hours later, he came back down. “Now, Johnny, you may play with your trains, but you must use nice language.” Soon the trains were running again and Mom returned to the kitchen. Then she heard the train stop and her son announce, “All passengers, please remember your things. Thank you for riding with us. We hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you boarding, remember: there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant journey with us today.” As she began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, you can see that bitch in the kitchen!”
Very Impressive Work (joke)
A professional photographer, at a friend’s house for dinner, was asked to show his portfolio from a recent overseas trip. His friends were quite impressed. “What wonderful photos!” said the wife. “You must have a very expensive camera.” The photographer just smiled and waited until after dinner, when he said, “Thank you for the delicious meal. You must have very expensive pans!”
Billy Bob at the Doctor
A redneck was in the doctor’s office getting the results of his brain scan. The doctor said, “Billy Bob, these results are amazing. First, your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side.” Billy Bob interrupted, “Well, ain’t that normal, Doc? Don’t ever’body got two sides?” The doctor replied, “Well, yes, but on the left side of your brain there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left!”
Don’t Take another step
A woman was walking down the street when she heard a booming voice shout, “Stop! Don’t take another step!” She obeyed and suddenly a ton of bricks fell right where she would have been. She looked around, saw no one and assumed she imagined the voice. She continued a few minutes until the same voice cried out again, “Stop! Don’t take another step!” She stopped just as an out of control car skidded past her and slammed into a utility pole. Looking around, seeing no one, she yelled, “Who are you?!” The voice answered, “I am your guardian angel. I warn you before something bad happens. Do you have any questions of me?” “Yes!” said the woman. “Where were you on my wedding day?!”
Sportsman’s Double
A man met an attractive mature woman in a nightclub. They had some drinks, danced a while, and when things got going she asked him if he’d ever had “a sportsman’s double?” “What’s a sportman’s double?” he asked. “A mother-daughter threesome,” she replied, rubbing his leg. Always interested in learning new things, he immediately headed to her place. She opened the front door, turned on the lights, and yelled upstairs, “Mom? You still awake?”
The Movie Score (joke)
Barry was hired to play trumpet on a movie score and was thrilled when he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, he couldn’t wait to see the finished product. He waited a month and then asked the producer when and where it was going to play. The embarrassed producer explained that the music was for a porno and it was out now. Barry put on a hat and sunglasses, pulled up his collar, and sneaked into the porno theater. He sat far in the back, near an elderly couple who were also hiding. The movie was the filthiest, most perverse flick he’d ever seen… halfway through a dog even got in on the action. Embarrassed, Barry whispered to the old couple, “I’m only here for the music.” The woman looked back and whispered, “It’s okay. We’re just here to see our dog!”
Just one more drop
A bartender had a standing bet of $1,000 that his grip was stronger than anyone. To prove it, he would squeeze a lemon and then hand it to his challenger. If the challenger could squeeze out even one more drop, he’d win. Weightlifters, longshoremen, construction workers… many had tried, but none succeeded. But then a scrawny little man in thick glasses and a polyester suit took up the challenge. The crowd laughed, but the bartender grabbed a lemon, squeezed his best, and then tossed it to the slight man. The laughter turned to silence when the little man produced not just one drop, but six more! Everyone cheered. As the bartender counted out the money, he asked, “What do you do for a living, fella? Wrestler? Lumberjack?” The little guy pushed up his spectacles and squeeked, “Nope. I work for the IRS!”
Vegetable Groaner
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, Bill decided to solve both of his problems. He took out a large insurance policy on his wife, making himself the beneficiary, and then hired an underworld figure to kill her. The killer, let’s call him “Artie,” explained that his price was $5,000. Bill said he was more than happy to pay that much but he would have to use the money from his wife’s insurance policy. Artie insisted on a down payment in cash, so Bill opened his wallet and showed Artie the single, lonely dollar bill inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the down payment. Artie followed Bill’s wife to the local grocery, surprised her in the produce department and strangled her. As she slumped to the floor, the produce manager happened upon the scene. Not wanting to leave a witness, Artie had no choice but to strangle him too. But the entire proceeding was captured on video by the store’s security system, the police were summoned, and Artie was arrested leaving the building. Questioned by the police, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless Bill. Which is why, the next day’s newspaper headline declared, “Artie Chokes Two for a Dollar at Safeway!”