Police arrested a 22-year-old white male in a pumpkin patch at 11:42 PM Saturday and charged him with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The judge asked the arresting officer what happened. The officer explained, “I was driving past the pumpkin patch when I saw the defendant satisfying himself on a large pumpkin. He seemed really into it, since he failed to notice my car lights, or me walking up behind him. I said, ‘Excuse me, sir, but are you screwing a pumpkin?'” The judge asked, “And what did the defendant say?” “He looked up at me and said, ‘Pumpkin? Damn! Is it midnight already?!'”

With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill. “Honey, you’re so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she’ll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!” He couldn’t believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed. “She says fifty isn’t enough. She wants seventy-five! ” His wife was mad. “Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!”

A masked man carrying a shotgun burst into a sperm bank and shouted at the woman behind the counter, “Open the safe!” She nervously replied, “We’re not a real bank. We don’t have any money here. We’re a sperm bank!” He yelled back at her, “Don’t you argue with me! Open that safe or I’ll blow your head off!” She did so. “Now grab a bottle and drink it!” he ordered. “What?! It’s sperm!” “Don’t argue. Just drink it!” She did as she was told. The man ripped off his mask and to her amazement, it was her husband. “See? It’s not that difficult!”

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.  He walked in.   She turned and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.”

His eyes lit up and he thought, “This is my lucky day.” Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on  the kitchen table.  Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

A woman convinced her boyfriend to try a new drink: Bailey’s, lime juice, and salt. She lined up the ingredients on the counter and explained, “First, put a pinch of salt on your tongue, then hold a shot of Bailey’s in your mouth while you drink a shot of lime juice.” Skeptical, but willing to go along, he put some salt on his tongue. Hmm; salty but okay. Then he took a shot of Bailey’s; smooth, rich, pleasant. He thought, “So far, so good.” Then he added the lime juice. The sharp taste hit him and a second later, curdled the Bailey’s to a consistency like mucous. His mouth felt like it was full of snot, which triggered his gag reflex but, being a manly man and wanting to impress his girlfriend, he just grimmaced and swallowed the foul fluid. When he finally regained the ability to speak, he asked her, “Damn! What do you call that concoction?” She smiled and said, “The B. J. Revenge!”