Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
if you had a 3 inch floppy…
…you just hoped nobody ever found out!
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin.” The husband replies, “That’s no surprise in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.” The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are finished, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks the wife.
The husband says, “I’m going to call room service for some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to phone room service to order some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife one more time. When they finish, he’s gasping for air and glistening with sweat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole..”
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was? concerned that her daughter was having? sex. Worried the girl? might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted? the family doctor.? The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to? stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange? for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give? her a box of condoms.? Later that? evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the? situation and handed her a box of condoms.? The girl? burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: “Oh Mom! You don’t? have to worry about that! I’m dating? Susan!”
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.” The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”
Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!”
Thank God!” the man replies.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks.
Faw off by itself!”
Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.
“Honey! Help! I’m having a heart attack!”
He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him:
“Dad! Uncle Terry’s upstairs! And he’s naked!”
He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked.
“WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”
The stunning blonde went to her faculty advisor for some course problems, but seemed distracted. “Are you okay?” he asked her. “Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet,” she admitted. “Is there a name for my condition?” “Why yes, there is,” he said with a smile as he headed for the couch, “I call it ‘Good News’!”
Little Johnny’s mother was shocked to catch her young son masturbating. She sat him down and had a talk with him. “Honey, you want to be a good boy, right? Well, good little boys save that until they’re married.” A few weeks later, she had another talk with Little Johnny. “So, John, how are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear? Are you ‘saving it’ for marriage?” Little Johnnie pulled a jar out from under his bed. “I’m doing great, Mom! So far, I’ve got nearly a quart!”
A middle-aged businessman married a young woman half his age. But the fantasy of a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he couldn’t last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well, even if he was a little quick in the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited his doctor. “Doc, when I make love to my young wife, I can’t hold back very long and I can’t satisfy her. What can I do?” The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, “Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you’ll find that you’ll last longer.” “Okay, Doc, if you think that’ll help.”
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be waiting at the front door to attack him when he got home. “Be prepared, darling. I’m going to ravish you,” she cooed over the phone. Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor’s advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? It was too risky.
As he drove home, he decided to find a spot on the road to pull over, climb under the car, pretending to inspect it, and do his deed there. He crawled under the car, closed his eyes tightly and began his “therapy.” A few minutes later, as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining his fantasy, he said, “Yes?” “Police! What are you doing?” “Uh, I’m inspecting my rear axle.” “Well, buddy, while you’re down there, you’d better check your brakes too cause your car just rolled down the hill!”
Leaving the poker party late as usual, two friends compared notes. “I can never fool her,” the first complained. “I turn off the car’s engine, coast into the garage, slip off my shoes, sneak upstairs, undress in the bathroom… but my wife always wakes up and yells at me for staying out late.” “You’re doing it wrong, my friend,” his buddy replied. “I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a little?’ and she always pretends to be asleep!”
A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.
Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent between the legs o’ me wife.”
When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. “I won the contest for the best toast of the night,” he replied.
She then asked what his toast was. He said, “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent in church with me wife.” “How sweet of you to include me in your toast,” his wife replied.
While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.
“Mornin’ Mrs. Murphy,” he said. “That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize.”
“Well, I’m afraid he wasn’t quite honest with the facts,” Mrs. Murphy replied. “He’s only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
