The Dean of Women at the exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. “We live today in very difficult times for young people,??? she droned. “In moments of temptation, you must ask yourself one question: Is a lifetime of shame worth an hour of pleasure???? From the back of the room came a quiet voice. “How do you make it last an hour????
Category Archives: Sex Jokes
I Want My Money Back
Sidney, suffering from premature ejaculation, visited a sex shop for help. The clerk showed him an aerosol can. “Sir, this is Stay-Hard. Just spray it on and you’ll go all night!” Excited, Sidney took it home and stashed it in the basement until late that night when he sprayed it on and then hurried upstairs. Unfortunately, he peaked sooner than ever. The next day, Sidney returned to the sex shop, slammed the can down on the counter, and snapped, “I want my money back. This stuff doesn’t work at all. If anything, I came faster!” The clerk read the label and laughed. “What’s so funny?” asked Sidney. “Sir, you must have grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off!”
Question for the Doctor
A woman, pregnant with her first child, was being examined in her obstetrician’s office. “Doctor, my husband wants me to ask you…??? “I know, I know,??? said the doctor, “I get asked this all the time. It’s okay to have sex until late in your pregnancy.??? “No, that’s not it,??? she said. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.???
Quitting Smoking
A woman was concerned about her husband’s smoking, but finally got him to agree to only smoke at home when they had finished making love. After about a week, her friend asked her how it was going. “Well, not too bad,” she said with a big smile. “He’s down to about a pack a night!”
Do it My Way
A man entered a Nevada house of ill repute and announced, “I’m offering $20,000 to any woman here who will come into the desert with me and do it my way!” One lady agreed and off they went, into the desert. After about an hour of fairly standard lovemaking, she got curious. “Now, exactly what is ‘your way’?” He replied, “On credit!”
A Wonderful Family
The Rabbi in a small town in the old country died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was disconsolate for months until the people of the village decided she should remarry. The town was so small that it only had one eligible bachelor, the butcher. The Rebbetzin was concerned because she had been wed to a scholar, but this butcher had little education. But, as she was lonely, she agreed, and soon they were married. After the marriage, on the next Friday she went to the mikvah and then home to light the candles. Her new husband leaned over and said, “My mother taught me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. She then lit the candles and he again leaned over to her and whispered, “My father taught me that after lighting the candles, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. After saying their prayers, they went to bed, but when they awoke the next morning, he said, “My grandmother taught me that before going to synagogue, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. After praying all morning, they came home to rest and again he whispered, “My grandfather taught me that after praying, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. On Sunday she went shopping and ran into an old friend who asked, “So? How is the new husband?” She replied, “Well, he’s no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family!”
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? The Good Girl’s Guide to Bad Girl Sex
Marrying a Virgin
Tom’s dream to marry a sweet, innocent virgin came true when he met Jane. Even after they had gone together for months, he decided to test her. One night in the car, he unzipped his fly, and said to her, “Want to see my wee wee?” She yelled, “No. No! Zip your fly!” Tom was overjoyed. The night they got engaged, he tried the same thing and got the same result. Then, on their wedding night, when they were finally alone in the hotel room, he unzipped his fly again and said, “Honey, now that we’re married, you can see it,” and pulled it out. She just stared at it. “Oh, what a sweet wee wee!” Tom said, “Darling, we’re married now. You don’t have to call it a wee wee anymore. You can call it a cock.” She looked at it again and then back up at him. “No, Tom, that’s a wee wee. A co¢k is long and thick!”
The Original Computer
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
if you had a 3 inch floppy…
…you just hoped nobody ever found out!
Honeymoon
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin.” The husband replies, “That’s no surprise in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.” The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are finished, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks the wife.
The husband says, “I’m going to call room service for some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to phone room service to order some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife one more time. When they finish, he’s gasping for air and glistening with sweat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole..”
Teenage Sex
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was? concerned that her daughter was having? sex. Worried the girl? might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted? the family doctor.? The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to? stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange? for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give? her a box of condoms.? Later that? evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the? situation and handed her a box of condoms.? The girl? burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: “Oh Mom! You don’t? have to worry about that! I’m dating? Susan!”