Mr. and Mrs. Smith had tried for years to have a child, with no luck. They decided to hire a “proxy??? father. On the day the proxy was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. He should be here soon.??? A few minutes later, a door-to-door baby photographer chanced to ring the doorbell, hoping for a sale. “Good morning, madam,??? he began his pitch. “You don’t know me, but I’m here to…??? “Oh, there’s need to explain,??? Mrs. Smith cut in. “Come right in.??? “Really???? said the photographer. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.??? “That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please sit down. Now, where do we start???? asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. “Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.??? “Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn’t worked for Harry and me.??? “Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.??? “I hope we can get this over with quickly,??? gasped Mrs. Smith. “Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.??? “Ain’t it the truth!??? Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and spread out his portfolio of baby pictures. “This was done on the courthouse steps downtown.??? “Oh, my God!??? Mrs. Smith exclaimed. “And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.??? The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. “She was difficult???? asked Mrs. Smith. “Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.??? “Four and five deep???? asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. “Yes,??? the photographer said. “And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could barely concentrate. As darkness approached, I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.??? Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, eh, equipment???? “That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.??? “Tripod???? now Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried. “Oh, yes. I have to use a tripod to hold up my Canon. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she’s fainted!???

A farmer’s last rooster dies leaving his 200 hens unable to produce chicks. He logs onto roosters.com, finds a highly-touted and high-priced specimen, clicks “order??? and the next day, FedEx delivers a rather ordinary looking rooster named Randy. Before releasing Randy to the chicken coop, the farmer tells him, “You were one danged expensive rooster and I’ve got a couple hundred chickens here for you to service, so take your time and do a good job.??? Randy acts as if he understands, but as soon as he is released he attacks the hens with a vengeance, working his way through the entire flock, not just once, but three times without pause! The farmer can’t believe his eyes. Then Randy runs out of the hen house, sees a flock of geese down by the lake and services all the geese. The farmer is distraught, worrying that his expensive rooster won’t make it through the night. Sure enough, the next morning when the farmer wakes, he sees Randy lying dead, buzzards circling overhead. As the farmer bends over to retrieve his costly loss, he shakes his head and says, “Damn it, Randy! Didn’t I tell you to pace yourself???? Randy opens one eye, looks at the circling buzzards and says, “Shhh. They’re getting closer.???

The poor little rich girl awoke after a long night out on the town with her friends. She found herself totally naked and with a monster of a hangover, so she rang for her butler and ordered a strong cup of black coffee. When he delivered it, she said, “Jeeves, I can’t remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?” “I carried you upstairs, Ma’am, and put you to bed.” “But my dress?” “It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I removed it and hung it in your closet.” “But what about my underwear?” “I feared the elastic might limit your circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them.” “What a night!” she sighed. “I must have been tight!” “Only the first time, Ma’am!”