A man picked up a female hitchhiker wearing really short shorts. “What’s your name?” she asked him as she climbed in. “It’s Snow; Ray Snow,” he answered. “And yours?” “June; June Hansen,” she replied. After a few minutes, she asked, “Why do you keep sizing me up like that?” He replied, “I was just wondering: can you imagine what it would be like to have eight inches of Snow in June?”
Category Archives: Dirty Jokes
Good Manners in Bed
The nervous young bride was irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. “I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “as I do at the dinner table.” Amused by his wife’s formality, he smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. “Is that better?” he asked. “Yes,” replied his new wife. “Good, darling,” he whispered. “Now would you please pass the pu$$y?”
The blonde and the overseas message (joke)
A blonde went into a message center overseas to send a message back to her mother in the States. The clerk told her the price, but she claimed she had no money. But I’d do anything to get a message to my dear sweet mother.” The clerk arched his eyebrow and grinned. “Anything?” he asked. “Yes, anything!” the blonde promised. So they went together to the back room and he closed the door. He instructed her, “Get down on your knees.” She did. “Lower my zipper.” She did. “Now take it out.” She reached in, grabbed it with both hands, and then paused. He whispered through closed eyes, “Well? Go ahead.” The blonde slowly brought it to her lips and said, “Hello, Mom? Can you hear me?”
The celebration (joke)
A farmer dropped by the local tavern, ordered a cold one and said, “This is a special day. I’m celebrating.” “What a coincidence,” said the woman on the next stool. “I’m celebrating, too.” “What are you celebrating?” she asked, clinking glasses with him. “I’ve been raising chickens, but my hens were all infertile,” he replied, “but today they’re finally fertile.” “What a coincidence,” said the woman. “My husband and I have been trying to have a child for a long time with no luck. But today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant! So what did you do to help your chickens become fertile?” “I switched cocks,” he replied. She smiled. “Small world, isn’t it?”
Little Johnny and Heaven (joke)
The Sunday School teacher asked her class, “Which part of the body gets to heaven first?” Little Suzi quickly raised her hand. “I think it’s your mind, teacher, because you have to have a mind to believe in God.” “Very good, Suzi.” Little Cathy’s hand went up. “I think it’s your heart, teacher, because God is all about love.” “Very good, Cathy.” Little Johnnie’s hand shot up. She thought, “Oh, no,” but called on him anyway. Little Johnnie said, “I think it’s your feet.” The teacher breathed a sigh of relief. “Why do you think people’s feet get to Heaven first, Johnny?” she asked. “Because last night, when I sneaked past my parents’ bedroom, my mom had her feet way up in the air and she was yelling, ‘Oh, God! I’m coming!'”
Make This Horse Laugh (joke)
There’s a sign next to the horse that says “Make this horse laugh, win $500 and free drinks for the night”
The man decides to give it a shot. He walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear.
The horse bursts out laughing.
The bartender is shocked and begrudgingly pays the man and gives him a night of free drinks.
The man wakes up the next morning and continues on with his journey.
On his way back home, this man sees a new sign next to this horse that reads “Make this horse cry, win $1,000 and free drinks for two nights.”
Having been successful the first time, the man walks up to the horse and a few moments later the horse is sobbing.
The bartender is pissed that the same man won his contest both times. He pays up and starts pouring beer for him.
After a few drinks, the bartender breaks and says “look, I’m losing a lot of money on this. You have to tell me how you did it.”
The man finishes his beer and says with a grin, “Last week, i told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This week, i proved it.”
Superman and Wonder Woman on the Beach (joke)
Superman, patrolling Metropolis on a particularly boring day, spied Wonder Woman on the beach, sunbathing in the nude! Remembering that he was “faster than a speeding bullet,” he wondered if he could score with Wonder Woman before she knew what hit her. He swooped down, finished in an instant, and then flew away wearing a big happy grin. Wonder Woman sat up in the sand. “What in hell was that?!” And the Invisible Man replied, “I don’t know, but my butt hurts!”
After the police smell your fingers
Years ago, a man was riding the train from New Orleans , eating a bag of fresh shrimp, ripping them apart, and throwing the shells out the window. The woman sitting opposite him said, “Would you mind not doing that? It’s disgusting to watch.” He replied, “It’s none of your business, hon. I paid my fare and I’ll do what I want.” And he continued until he finished the bag. Full, he settled back for a nap. The woman pulled out her knitting. Soon all the man could hear was that incessant clicking and clacking. Soon he said, “Would you stop that noise? I’m trying to sleep!” She replied, “It’s none of your business. I paid my fare and I’ll do what I want.” The man grabbed her knitting and tossed it out the window. She immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. He started laughing. “You’re gonna get fined for that!” The woman replied, “And you’re going to jail …after the police smell your fingers!”
This just ain’t your day… (joke)
A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker. Out in the middle of the desert, she started coming on to him. When she offered him some oral pleasure, he pulled over to the side of the road. But once his pants were around his ankles, she pulled out a gun, bound his wrists to his ankles, robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off in his car. After hopping beside the road for miles, a trucker happened along and stopped. “What happened?” asked the trucker and the man explained his plight. The trucker got out of his rig, unzipped his pants, and said, “This just ain’t your day, is it, boy?!”
I Want to Make Love (joke)
Jerry brought home a dozen red roses for his wife. “How lovely, dear,” she said. “What’s the occasion?” “I want to make love to you tonight,” he replied. “Oh, not tonight, dear; I have a headache.” The next night, Jerry brought home a big box of chocolates and again explained that he wanted to make love. “I’m awfully tired, honey,” said his wife. “Not tonight.” Every night for a week Jerry brought home a gift, but every night her answer was no. Finally he brought her six black kittens. “How adorable, Jerry,” she exclaimed. “What are they for?” He said, “They’re six pallbearers for your dead pu$$y!”