Why It’s No Fun To Be A Penis: You’re bald your whole life; you have a hole in your head; your neighbors are nuts; the guy closest to you is an a$$hole; and everytime you get excited, you throw up and then faint!
Category Archives: Dirty Jokes
Little Johnny on the fence
Little Johnny was sitting on the fence, watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walked up and asked Johnnie what he was doing. Johnny replied, “I’m watching that bull screw that black cow.” The preacher was shocked. “John, you shouldn’t use that word. Instead, say the bull is going to ‘surprise’ the black cow.” “Okay.” The preacher continued on his walk. The next Sunday, the preacher was shaking hands with his parishioners as they left church when Little Johnnie appeared with his parents. The preacher bent down, smiled, and asked, “So, Johnnie, did that bull ‘surprise’ the black cow?” Johnnie replies, “He sure did! He f*¢ked the white one!”
The police in the pumpkin patch (joke)
Police arrested a 22-year-old white male in a pumpkin patch at 11:42 PM Saturday and charged him with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The judge asked the arresting officer what happened. The officer explained, “I was driving past the pumpkin patch when I saw the defendant satisfying himself on a large pumpkin. He seemed really into it, since he failed to notice my car lights, or me walking up behind him. I said, ‘Excuse me, sir, but are you screwing a pumpkin?'” The judge asked, “And what did the defendant say?” “He looked up at me and said, ‘Pumpkin? Damn! Is it midnight already?!'”
The woman next door (joke)
With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill. “Honey, you’re so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she’ll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!” He couldn’t believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed. “She says fifty isn’t enough. She wants seventy-five! ” His wife was mad. “Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!”
The Sperm Bank (joke)
A masked man carrying a shotgun burst into a sperm bank and shouted at the woman behind the counter, “Open the safe!” She nervously replied, “We’re not a real bank. We don’t have any money here. We’re a sperm bank!” He yelled back at her, “Don’t you argue with me! Open that safe or I’ll blow your head off!” She did so. “Now grab a bottle and drink it!” he ordered. “What?! It’s sperm!” “Don’t argue. Just drink it!” She did as she was told. The man ripped off his mask and to her amazement, it was her husband. “See? It’s not that difficult!”
Italian Virgin (joke)
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was very nervous. Her mother
reassured her; ‘Don’t worry, Maria, Tony’s a good man.
Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you. Meanwhile, I’ll be making pasta.’ So, up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, ‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.’
‘Don’t worry, Maria,’ says the mother, ‘all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.’ So, up she went again. When she got up in the
bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. ‘Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!’
‘Don’t worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take
good care of you.’
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. ‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!’
Her Mama said, ‘Stay here and stir the pasta.’
Sperm Instructions (joke)
The new sperm was receiving instructions from the boss sperm. “When you hear the siren, head for the tunnel, swim until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern, swim to the end of that cavern where you will find a sticky red ball. Address that egg, saying: ‘I am a sperm’ and it will answer, ‘I am an egg.’ From then on you’ll work together to create an embryo. Understand?” The sperm nodded. A few days later, the sperm heard the siren. He went to the tunnel with millions of sperm swimming behind him but he vowed to arrive first. He swam through the cavern and finally approached the sticky red ball. He smiled and said, “Hi! I am a sperm.” The sticky red ball said, “Hi! I am a tonsil!”
Little Johnny and the Whorehouse
Little Johnny heard the word “whorehouse” during recess and later asked his father what it meant. Dad was shocked. “Well, uh, John, that’s a place where men go to, uh, to have a good time.” Johnny replied, “I wanna go there. I wanna go there.” Dad insisted that Johnny was too young. But on Saturday night, when Johnny’s dad and some of his friends headed to Mable’s for “a good time,” Little Johnny secretly followed them. Once Dad and his buddies had been inside a while, Little Johnny knocked on Mable’s front door. She opened the door and was surprised to see an eight-year-old standing there. “Yes?” she asked. Little Johnny said, “I’m here for a good time!” Since Mabel had a heart of gold (of course!), she invited him inside, gave him three donuts, and then sent him on his way home. Johnny took his time going home and arrived home well after his Dad. “Johnny, where have you been? It’s late!” “I went to Mabel’s whorehouse, Daddy!” Dad blanched. “You did? Umm, how was it?” Johnny bragged, “Well, I managed the first two with no problem, but I just licked the third one!”
Two Parrots (joke)
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
“You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying … that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.” The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!”
The $10 Bet (joke)
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, ‘What’s with the money in the jar?’
‘Well……you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.’
The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up. And so he asks, ‘What are the three tests?’
‘You must pay first…… Those are the rules,’ says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
‘Okay,’ the bartender says, ‘here’s what you need to do:
First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.
Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex…. You have to take care of that problem!’
The man is stunned. ‘I know I paid my $10, but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things…’
‘Your call,’ says the bartender….. ‘but, your money stays where it is.’
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,’Where’s the damn tequila?’
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks… but he doesn’t make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds… then nothing but silence!
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he’s bleeding all over his body.
He says, ‘Now where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?’