Why It’s No Fun To Be A Penis: You’re bald your whole life; you have a hole in your head; your neighbors are nuts; the guy closest to you is an a$$hole; and everytime you get excited, you throw up and then faint!A blonde got a new sports car for a birthday present. While was out for a drive, she accidentally cut off a big 18-wheeler. The truck driver motioned for her to pull over. She did. He got out of his truck, stomped over to the shoulder of the road, drew a circle with a piece of chalk, and commanded the blonde, “Now you stand in that circle and don’t move!” She did as she was told. He reached inside the convertible and cut her leather seats to shreds with his knife. But when he checked her reaction, she was smiling. That made him angrier! “Oh, so you think I’m funny, do you? Watch this!” He grabbed a baseball bat from his truck and broke every lamp on her new car. This time when he looked at her, she was giggling. Now that made him really mad. He slashed her tires. She laughed out loud. He dented the hood with his bat. She laughed harder. He dented the trunk. She laughed even harder. He finally lost it completely, grabbed a gas can from his truck, poured it over her car, and lit it. She doubled over, the tears running down her cheeks. The enraged truck driver screamed, “You’re one crazy blonde! What in the hell is so funny?” Through tears of laughter, the blonde forced out the words, “Every time… when you… weren’t looking?… I stepped out… of the circle!”

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.  She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, “Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!”

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, “Well little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?”

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.  With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.  The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.  Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration . .

“CRAP! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!”

A newscaster asked three women what one item they would take with them if they were going to be stranded on a deserted island. The brunette said, “Food, so I can eat.” The redhead said, “Water, so I can drink.” The blond said, “A car door.” The newscaster asked, “What? A car door? Why?” The blonde replied, “Because then if it gets hot, I can roll down the window!”

Carol and Bambi volunteered to help side a house for Habitat for Humanity. Bambi, the blonde, noticed that Carol, the brunette, occasionally tossed a nail over her shoulder instead of driving it. “Why are you throwing away nails, Carol?” Carol explained, “Because some of them have the head on the wrong end.” Bambi replied, “Maybe they’re for the other side of the house!”

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a ‘handy-woman’ and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

‘Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,’ he said, ‘How much will you charge me?’

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, ‘How about $50?’

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, ‘Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?’ He responded, ‘That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?’ The
wife replied, ‘You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.’

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. ‘You’re finished already?’ the startled husband asked.

‘Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.’

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

‘And by the way, ‘ the blonde added,’ it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus’.

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were trapped in a burning building. Firemen arrived and spread out the blanket. “Jump! It’s your only chance!” they cried. The brunette jumped and Swish! the firemen yanked the blanket away. The brunette smashed into the sidewalk. “Jump!” the firemen yelled to the redhead. “Oh, no!” the redhead cried. “You’ll pull the blanket away!” “No, no! It’s brunettes we can’t stand! We love redheads!” “Well, okay,” said the redhead, as she jumped. Swish! the firemen yanked the blanket away and she smashed into the sidewalk. Finally, it was the blonde’s turn. “Jump!” yelled the firemen. “No way!” yelled the blonde. “You’ll just pull the blanket away again!” “No, we won’t. We won’t pull the blanket away. We love blondes!” The blonde was adamant. “Nothing you say will convince me! Now put that blanket down and step away from it…”