When Abraham Liebowitz got to school, he discovered that he was the only Jewish kid in the class. His teacher asked, “Who was the greatest person who ever lived and why?” And just to make it interesting, she held up a bill and said, “Whoever gives the best answer will win this twenty dollar bill.” Every kid called out their guesses. One said, “George Washington, because he was the father of our country.” Another said, “Abraham Lincoln, because he freed the slaves.” One little girl said, “Joan of Arc, because she saved France .” Then Abraham Liebowitz quietly raised his hand. The teacher said, “Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived and why?” Abraham said, “Jesus Christ.” His teacher was shocked. “Abraham, while I am surprised, you win the twenty!” and handed it to him. Later, she asked him why he answered as he did. Abraham said, “Personally, I think it was Moses, but business is business!”
The Origin of the Internet (joke)
This is the true story of how the Internet was invented and how it began.
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader called Abraham of Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called ‘Amazon Dot Com’.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, ‘Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?’ And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, ‘How, dear?’
And Dot replied, ‘I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).’ Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, ‘Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.’ And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or as it came to be known ‘eBay,’ he said, ‘We need a name that reflects what we are.’ And Dot replied, ‘Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.’ ‘YAHOO!’ Said Abraham.
And that is how it all began.
Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.
Tough Sobriety Test (joke)
A police officer pulled a car over for speeding. As the driver pulled out his license, the officer noticed several swords, machetes, and meat cleavers in the man’s backseat. “Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to exit your vehicle,” “Why, officer?” “Why do you have weapons in your backseat?” “Oh, I’m in the circus; those are just part of my act.” The officer stands back and then orders him to prove it. The juggler takes out three dull meat cleavers and begins juggling them behind his car. Just then an inebriated local, fresh from the neighborhood tavern, drove past. He grabbed his cell phone, phoned back to the tavern and asked for his best friend. “Bob, you’d better take the back roads home. The cops have a sobriety test set up out on the main road that nobody’s gonna pass!”
Where did Humans Come From (joke)?
This joke is pretty funny – who can resist taking a swipe at the old man at the expense of the kids!
Little Suzie asked her mother, “Where did humans come from?” Her mother answered, “Well, dear, God made Adam and Eve and they had children and all mankind descended from them.” Then she asked her father the same question. Her father answered, “Over millions of years, humans developed from apes.” The confused girl returned to her mother and told her what Daddy said. “Mom, how come you said we were created by God while Dad said we descended from monkeys?” Mother answered, “Simple, dear: I was talking about my family’s origins and your father was talking about his!”
The Penis that Died
One day, old Mr. Smith told his nurse that his penis had died. Knowing Mr. Smith was growing senile, she decided to play along. “It did? I am sorry to hear that.” The next day she saw Mr. Smith walking down the nursing home hallway with his penis hanging out of his pants. “Mr. Smith? I thought you told me that your penis had died?” “It did. Today’s the viewing!”
Shampoo for Blondes Joke
His blonde date asked from the shower, “Do you have any other shampoo?” “Why? What’s wrong?” “This bottle says it’s for dry hair and mine’s already wet!”
Blonde Gambling
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless.’
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, ‘Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!’
Here’s a blonde joke that will leave you laughing!
As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed ‘YES! YES! I WON! I WON!’
She hugged each of the dealers…and then picked up her winnings, and her Clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’
The other answered, ‘I don’t know… I thought you were watching.’
St. Peter and the Jewish Man (joke)
St. Peter asks the Jewish man why he deserves to be in Heaven. He replies, “I’ve been a pious Jew all my life, attended synagogue every Saturday, and I raised a lot of money for Jewish causes.” “And what is your wife’s name?” asks St. Peter. “Penny,” the man replies. “Penny?!” shouts St. Peter. “You Jews are all alike. Money, money, money. You even married a woman whose name has to do with money! Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!” Then St. Peter asks the Irishman why he deserves to be in Heaven. “I’ve been a devout Catholic all my life, attended church every Sunday, given generously to the church, and always took wafers and wine at communion.” “And what’s your wife’s name?” “Brandy.” “Brandy?!! You Irish are all alike. Drink, drink, drink. You even married a woman whose name is a type of alcohol. Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!” With that, the Greek man turns to his wife and says, “Come on, Fanny, let’s get out of here…”
The Irishman Gets Cancer (joke)
Murphy’s doctor sighed and gave him the bad news. You have incurable cancer. I give you maybe a month to live.” Murphy was shocked and saddened, but managed to compose himself and headed for the pub. There he found his son. Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things are bad. In my case, things are bad. I have cancer and have but a short time to live. Let’s have a few pints.” After a few, they were approached by some of Murphy’s old friends. “Why the celebration?” Murphy said, “My friends, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things are bad. In my case, things are bad. I’m dying from AIDS.” They gave Murphy their condolences and had some more beers together. After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion. “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? What’s this about AIDS?” Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer, son. But after I’m gone, I don’t want any of them bums sleepin’ with your mother!”
Frank’s bad luck bear hunting (joke)
Frank was bear hunting when he spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Suddenly there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear standing on its hind legs. The black bear said, “You have two choices, pal: either I maul you to death or we have sex.” Frank quickly decided to bend over. Eventually he recovered and vowed revenge. He returned to the same spot, seeking that same black bear. And when he found it, he shot it. Suddenly, he felt another tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a huge grizzly bear standing over him. The grizzly bear said, “Big mistake, buddy. You have two choices: either I maul you to death or we have sex.” Again, Frank thought it better to comply. Although he survived, it took months before he fully recovered, but when he did he headed back to the same woods, again seeking revenge. He managed to track down that very same grizzly bear and shot it, extracting his revenge. But another tap on his shoulder, another spin around, and there was a giant polar bear! The polar bear said, “Admit it, Frank. You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”