Yesterday at Wal-Mart I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for Athena, the wonder dog. I was in the check-out line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no I didn’t have a dog, but that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I told her I probably shouldn’t because last time I’d ended up in the hospital! I’d lost 50 pounds when I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I thought I’d try it again. By this time everyone in this line (and others) was now enthralled with my weight loss story. Horrified, she asked if I was in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no – I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore!
The new Facelift (joke)
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’
The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay….How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’
‘I promise I won’t’ she says.
‘I was behind you at McDonalds.’
The clever letter (joke)
A 63-year-old accountant left this letter on his kitchen counter. “Dear Wife: By the time you read this letter I will be at the grand Hotel with my beautiful, sexy, 21-year-old secretary.” When he arrived at the Grand Hotel he had a letter waiting for him at the front desk. “Dear Husband: I, too, am 63years old. By the time you receive this letter I will be at a better hotel with our handsome, virile, 21-year-old gardener. You, being an accountant, will well appreciate that 21 goes into 63 many more times than 63 goes into 21.”
I hear they eat dogs… (joke)
This is the classic immigrant joke…I can see this happening in New York City, can’t you?
Two foreign immigrants, newly arrived in the United States, noticed people lining up to buy food from a cart. “I’ve heard that people here eat dogs.” “Really?” said her friend, “But we’re in America, so we should do as Americans do.” They headed for the cart. “Two dogs, please,” she said. The vendor handed her two hot dogs wrapped in foil. They excitedly headed for a bench and unwrapped their meal. The first to open the foil blushed and whispered to her friend, “What part did you get?”
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Roller Hot Dog Grill from Nemco features six rollers with a 10 dog capacity. Compact unit measures 13-3/4″ x 10″ x 7″ and has a 200 per hour capacity. Electric power – plug it in and go. Rugged stainless steel and aluminum construction. Individual chain drive mechanism reduces wear. Heat shrunk Teflon rings protect bearing areas from grease. Removable grease drip pan makes for easy cleaning. Available in non-stick silverstone or chrome roller grills. Bun box available seperately. 120V, 330 Watts, 3.0 Amps.
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Turn any dog into a hot dog! The new Hot Diggity Dog costume features two plump, plush poppy seed buns with zig zag mustard along the back. A fabulous costume that would turn heads!Sizing Guide: Measure length of pet’s back from the base of the neck to the base of the tail. If the measurement is between sizes of if pet has a stouter build, we recommend selecting the next size up for a proper fit.Small: Up to 10″ Toy Poodle, Silky Terrior, Yorkshire Terrier, Boston Terrier, Chihuahua, Maltese, Pomeraninan, Jack Russell Terrier, Australian Terrier, Pug. Large: 14″ to 18″ Springer Spaniel, Brittany Spaniel, Border Collie, Dalmation.Easy to Put On and Take off Adjustable Elasticized Velcro Straps Secure and Comfortable Fit
Watchin’ for the cops (blonde joke)
A redhead was well over the speed limit when she asked her blonde passenger, “See any cops behind us?” The blonde turned around for a long look. “Hey, yeah, I do.” “Damn!” said the redhead. “Are his flashers on?” The blonde replied, “Yep, nope. Yep, nope. Yep, nope.”
Too Good to Pass Up (joke)
A man was enjoying an after-work drink in a bar when the exceptionally gorgeous sexy young thing entered. She was so striking, he couldn’t take his eyes off her. She soon noticed his stare, approached him, looked deep in his eyes and purred, “Before you say anything, let me tell you I’m a professional. I’ll do anything you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with only one condition.” “Really? What’s the condition?” “You have to tell me what to do in exactly three words.” The man considered her proposition for only a moment before pulling out his wallet. As he counted five twenty-dollar bills into her hand, he then gazed deeply into her beautiful eyes and whispered, “Paint my house.”
A blonde watches the news (joke)
A blonde and a redhead were in a bar after work, watching the six o’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump off a bridge. The blonde bet the redhead fifty bucks he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead took it. Sure enough, the guy jumped, so the blonde gave her friend the fifty. The redhead said, “I can’t take this from you; you’re my best friend.” The blonde said, “No, take it. A bet’s a bet.” The redhead said, “Wait. I have to confess. I can’t take your money; I saw this earlier on the five o’clock news.” The blonde said, “Well, so did I, but I never dreamed he’d jump again!”
Yard Work (joke)
A woman was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!
Why WALMART???
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
A Modern Fairy Tale
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but she can’t. Fairy Godmother offers to help, but Cindy says, “Thanks, F. G., but I got squat to wear!” So Fairy Godmother drapes a tablecloth over Cinderella, waves her magic wand, and Poof! The tablecloth becomes a real hot black leather mini-dress. Cinderella says, “That’s cool, but my hair’s a mess!” So Fairy Godmother winds some twigs into Cinderella’s hair, waves the wand, and Poof! ‘Rella’s got a killer ‘do, long and wild looking. “Thanks, G-Mom, but what if I meet a guy? I got no protection!” So Fairy Godmother inserts a tiny pumpkin into ‘Rella’s appropriate place, waves her wand, and Poof! The pumpkin turns into an IUD. “Bitchin’! I’m ready!” Fairy Godmother says, “Remember, Cinderella: you must be home by midnight.” Cinderella says, “No sweat, Fair!” and heads to the party. Midnight comes, but no Cinderella. The clock strikes one, still no Cinderella. Finally, about three-thirty Cinderella comes straggling in, the ratty tablecloth over her shoulders and her hair full of twigs. Her Fairy Godmother chastises her. “Dammit, Cinderella! Just look at you! I told you to be home by midnight! What happened?” Cinderella replies, “I met this guy, Peter… Peter… something…”
Only 4 Chutes (joke)
One night, a small commuter jet was headed from Seattle to Vancouver with just four passengers: Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, the Dalai Lama, and a college student. Suddenly, there was an explosion and the plane filled with smoke. The cockpit door opened, the pilot hurried through the compartment, saying, “bad news. We’re going to crash and there are only four parachutes.” With that, he grabbed a parachute, threw open the door and leaped from the plane. Michael Jordan jumped to his feet. “Gentlemen,” he announced, “I’m the world’s greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. Therefore, I’m taking one of the parachutes!” With that, he grabbed a parachute and hurtled out the door. Bill Gates rose and said, “Gentlemen, I am the world’s smartest man. The world needs smart men. Therefore, I’m taking one of the parachutes, too!” With that, HE grabbed one and jumped. The Dalai Lama looked at the college student. “My son,” he said, “I have lived a long and satisfying life. I have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your whole life before you. You take a parachute. I will go down with the plane.” The college student just smiled, “Not necessary, man. The world’s smartest man just left wearing my backpack!”