An old Indian was sitting in front of the hardware store. Every time a pretty woman passed by, he raised his hand and said, “Chance.” One curious woman asked him, “Why is it that whenever a woman walks past, you raise your hand and say ‘Chance?’ I thought Indians raised their hand and said ‘how.'” The old Indian replied, “Me know how. Me hoping for chance!”
The Genie was Hard of Hearing joke
A man entered a bar with a tiny man perched on his shoulder. The bartender asked the man, “Who’s your little friend?” The man replied, “You don’t want to know.” After a few minutes, the tiny man hopped down onto the bar, ran to the piano, and began to play beautiful music on the piano just by running across the keys! The bartender exclaimed, “That’s the most wonderful thing I ever heard! Where did you find him?” The man replied, “Oh, one night I was walking along the beach when I found this jar. I rubbed it and out popped a genie who was evidently a little hard of hearing, because I sure as hell didn’t ask for a 12-inch pianist!”
Men that Last (joke)
Which one of these sounds like your wife?
Three women were discussing their sex lives. The first said, “My husband is like a championship golfer: he’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.” The second said, “My husband is like the Indianapolis 500 winner: he always gives me a couple hundred laps.” The third woman grimaced. “My husband is like an Olympic gold-medalist: he’s got his time down to under 40 seconds!”
Computer Programmer Joke
A computer programmer was taking a smoke break when a woman passing by sarcastically commented, “Don’t you know that those things can kill you? They put a warning on every pack!” “Oh, that’s okay,” said the guy, exhaling smoke, “I’m a programmer.” “What’s that got to do with anything?” she asked. He answered, “Programmers ignore warnings; we only care about errors!”
Giraffe Climbs Tree Pic
Here’s a pic of a Giraffe that climbed a tree to escape some kind of danger. I’m guessing a lion, a tiger, or a bear – oh my! I just can’t believe that something with those long skinny legs and that tall could manage to scale any size of tree? Go figure, this is my WTF pic of the day!
Plane crash near a desert island (joke)
A plane crashed near a desert island and the only survivors were a man and Cindy Crawford. As the days passed into weeks and the weeks passed into months, they grew closer until, eventually, they were sleeping together. After a year or more of living out everyman’s fantasy, the man grew frustrated. Concerned, Cindy asked if there was anything she could do to help. He responded, “Well, there is one thing. Tomorrow, could you wear this baseball cap and let me call you Bob?” Assuming the isolation was getting to him, she agreed. The next morning, he walked up to her and said, “Hi ya, Bob!” Cindy responded, “Hey, buddy. What’s new?” “Bob, guess what? I’m sleeping with Cindy Crawford!”
What do you have? (joke)
A man walked into a doctor’s office. The receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.” She said, “Fill out this form with your name, address, and insurance number. When you’re done, take a seat.” Fifteen minutes later, the nurse’s aide came out, took him to the examining room and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, “Change into this gown.” A half hour later, the nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor. An hour later, the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” The doctor gave him a thorough examination and said, “I’ve checked you thoroughly. I can’t find shingles anywhere.” The man replied, “They’re outside in my truck. Where do you want them?”
Adrift in a lifeboat (joke)
Two Irishmen, adrift in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, spied a lamp floating nearby. They retrieved it, and, hoping against hope, rubbed it. Sure enough, a genie appeared. “I will grant you one wish,” said the genie. “One? What about three?” “One or none; take it or leave it!” Without thinking, Pat blurted out, “Turn the ocean into Guinness!” The genie clapped his hands as he disappeared and the entire sea turned into Guinness. As the beer lapped gently against the hull, Mike looked disgusted. “Dammit, Pat. Ya shoulda thought ahead. Now we’re going to have to pee in the damned boat!”
Two church members going door to door (joke)
Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith’s house. She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message. As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened! Convinced the man must be sticking his foot in the doorway, she reared back to slam it hard enough to teach him a lesson, when he cried, “Ma’am, before you do that again, you really should move your cat!”
Save it for posterity (joke)
A mortician, working late one night, was preparing the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated. He was startled by the size of Schwartz’s penis. “I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a penis like that. It should be saved for posterity.” And, with that, he removed the dead man’s penis, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home to show his wife. “Dear, I have something to show you,” he said, opening his briefcase. “Oh, my God!” screamed his wife. “Schwartz is dead!”