Here’s a good age joke for ya…
Luke’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After applying the “miracle” products, she asked him, “Darling, what age would you say I am?” Luke looked her over carefully and then said, “Judging from your skin, twenty. Judging from your hair, eighteen. Judging from your figure, twenty-five. ” “Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed. “Hang on!” Luke interrupted. “Let me finish adding them up!”
Little Johnny and Mary were playing in the backyard when Mary asked, “Johnny, what’s a pen¡s?” “I don’t know,” replied Little Johnny, “but I’ll ask my dad. He knows everything.” Little Johnny found his father in the bathroom and asked his question. “Well, son, it’s hard to explain. Why don’t I just show you?” He pulled down his pants and displayed his member. “Johnny, that’s a pen¡s. In fact, that’s a perfect pen¡s.” Little Johnny thanked his dad and returned to the backyard. “Well,” asked Mary, “did your daddy know?” “Yes,” replied Little Johnny, “But it’s hard to explain. Why don’t I just show you?” He led Mary into the garage, dropped his shorts and said, “Mary, this is a pen¡s… and if it was three inches shorter, it would be a perfect pen¡s!”
Three male dogs encounter a beautiful female poodle and immediately fall in love. Well aware of her own charms and her effect on males, she announces, “I want a mate with brains, therefore I will only date the dog who creates an imaginative, intelligent sentence using the words, ‘cheese’ and ‘liver.'” The black Labrador retriever quickly responds, “I love cheese and liver.” “How childish,” huffs the poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turns to the cocker spaniel who responds tentatively, “Uh, I hate cheese and liver?” The poodle shows her disgust. “That’s no better than the other sentence! What about you, Mr. Chihuahua?” The tiny dog grins, turns to the other two males and says, “Liver alone! Cheese mine!”
The Dean of Students addressed the new freshman class, saying, “The female dormitory is off-limits to all male students and the male dormitory is off-limits to all female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 for the first violation, $100 for the second violation, and $250 for any subsequent violations.” A male voice from the back called out, “How much for a season pass?”
Two blondes were waiting for the bus. When it arrived, the door opened and one blonde asked the driver, “Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue ?” The driver shook his head. “No, ma’am, I’m sorry. It won’t.” Then the other blonde leaned inside, smiled and asked, “Will it take me?”
Here’s a good blonde joke for ya – this one’s actually smart (even if she is naked)!
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless.’
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, ‘Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!’
As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed ‘YES! YES! I WON! I WON!’
She hugged each of the dealers…and then picked up her winnings, and her Clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’
The other answered, ‘I don’t know… I thought you were watching.’
An elderly man asked his pharmacist to fill his Viagra prescription, “but would you please cut each one into four pieces?” The pharmacist balked. “That’s too small a dosage. That’s not enough to get you through sex.” “Oh, I don’t care about sex; I just want it to stick out far enough so that I don’t pee on my shoes!”
It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was the headliner. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist in one of his few live performances. As Claude took to the stage, he declared, “Unlike ordinary hypnotists who invite two or three people onstage, I will hypnotize each and every member of tonight’s audience!” Claude withdrew from his pocket the beautiful antique pocket watch that had been in his family for generations. As the watch swung gently back and forth, Claude chanted, “Watch the watch. Watch the watch. Watch the watch.” The spotlight tightened on just his hands, the mesmerized crowd stared, the light gleamed off its polished surfaces, back and forth, back and forth, until –it slipped from Claude’s fingers, fell to the floor, and broke into smithereens. “Sh*t!” said the hypnotist, under his breath. It took three weeks to clean up the theater!
The passenger tapped the taxi driver on his shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control, swerved violently, nearly hitting a bus, then crossed the sidewalk, and finally stopped inches from an outdoor cafe. After a moment when neither breathed, the driver yelled at his fare, “Don’t do that! You scared the hell out of me!” The passenger apologized. “I’m sorry; I didn’t know a little tap on the shoulder would bother you.” The driver replied, “I’m sorry; it’s just that today is my first day on the job — for the last 25 years, I drove a hearse!”
A doctor with a unique combination of skills opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading, “Dr. Richard Smith, Psychiatry and Proctology.” The village council didn’t like that sign, so he proposed a series of alterations: “Hysterias and Posteriors,” “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids,” “Catatonics and High Colonics,” “Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives,” “Minds and Behinds,” “Lost Souls and Butt Holes,” “Analysis and Anal Cysts,” “Queers and Rears,” “Nuts and Butts,” “Freaks and Cheeks,” “Loons and Moons…” They finally settled on “Dr. Richard Smith, Odds and Ends!”