There’s a sign next to the horse that says “Make this horse laugh, win $500 and free drinks for the night”
The man decides to give it a shot. He walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear.
The horse bursts out laughing.
The bartender is shocked and begrudgingly pays the man and gives him a night of free drinks.
The man wakes up the next morning and continues on with his journey.
On his way back home, this man sees a new sign next to this horse that reads “Make this horse cry, win $1,000 and free drinks for two nights.”
Having been successful the first time, the man walks up to the horse and a few moments later the horse is sobbing.
The bartender is pissed that the same man won his contest both times. He pays up and starts pouring beer for him.
After a few drinks, the bartender breaks and says “look, I’m losing a lot of money on this. You have to tell me how you did it.”
The man finishes his beer and says with a grin, “Last week, i told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This week, i proved it.”
An elderly couple decides, “Tonight is the night.” She slips into something sexy and crawls into bed. He heads into the bathroom. She waits and waits until she can’t stand the suspense; she climbs out of bed, gets up, goes to the bathroom, and opens the door. She sees him bent over, trying to put on a condom. She giggles, “Honey, what are you doing? I’m 86 years old. There’s no way I can get pregnant!” He looks up at her and says, “I know, honey, but you know how dampness affects my arthritis!”
A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, “MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!”
“You’re a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman.
“Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked.
“HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, “MY ROLEX!”
This is probably the funniest wine tasting joke I’ve ever heard!
A man went to a famous Parisian restaurant with his girlfriend and ordered the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returned with the bottle, poured a taste into a glass. The customer picked up the glass, smelled the wine, and put it down with a thud. “This is not the 1928 Mouton.” The waiter assured him that it was and soon a small crowd surrounded the table to convince him the wine was the 1928 Mouton. Eventually someone asked, “What makes you think it is not the 1928 Mouton?” “Because my name is Phillipe de Rothschild. I make the wine.” The original waiter blushed and admitted that he poured a Clerc Milon 1928. “I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon: it is from the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them in similar barrels, you bottle them at the same time, and even use eggs from the same chickens to refine them. The wines are the same, save for a small distance of geographic location.” Rothschild responded, “When you go to bed tonight with your wife, put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, and then smell both fingers. Then you may understand the difference a small distance in geographic location makes!”
An old Indian was sitting in front of the hardware store. Every time a pretty woman passed by, he raised his hand and said, “Chance.” One curious woman asked him, “Why is it that whenever a woman walks past, you raise your hand and say ‘Chance?’ I thought Indians raised their hand and said ‘how.'” The old Indian replied, “Me know how. Me hoping for chance!”
A man entered a bar with a tiny man perched on his shoulder. The bartender asked the man, “Who’s your little friend?” The man replied, “You don’t want to know.” After a few minutes, the tiny man hopped down onto the bar, ran to the piano, and began to play beautiful music on the piano just by running across the keys! The bartender exclaimed, “That’s the most wonderful thing I ever heard! Where did you find him?” The man replied, “Oh, one night I was walking along the beach when I found this jar. I rubbed it and out popped a genie who was evidently a little hard of hearing, because I sure as hell didn’t ask for a 12-inch pianist!”
Three women were discussing their sex lives. The first said, “My husband is like a championship golfer: he’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.” The second said, “My husband is like the Indianapolis 500 winner: he always gives me a couple hundred laps.” The third woman grimaced. “My husband is like an Olympic gold-medalist: he’s got his time down to under 40 seconds!”
A computer programmer was taking a smoke break when a woman passing by sarcastically commented, “Don’t you know that those things can kill you? They put a warning on every pack!” “Oh, that’s okay,” said the guy, exhaling smoke, “I’m a programmer.” “What’s that got to do with anything?” she asked. He answered, “Programmers ignore warnings; we only care about errors!”
Here’s a pic of a Giraffe that climbed a tree to escape some kind of danger. I’m guessing a lion, a tiger, or a bear – oh my! I just can’t believe that something with those long skinny legs and that tall could manage to scale any size of tree? Go figure, this is my WTF pic of the day!
A plane crashed near a desert island and the only survivors were a man and Cindy Crawford. As the days passed into weeks and the weeks passed into months, they grew closer until, eventually, they were sleeping together. After a year or more of living out everyman’s fantasy, the man grew frustrated. Concerned, Cindy asked if there was anything she could do to help. He responded, “Well, there is one thing. Tomorrow, could you wear this baseball cap and let me call you Bob?” Assuming the isolation was getting to him, she agreed. The next morning, he walked up to her and said, “Hi ya, Bob!” Cindy responded, “Hey, buddy. What’s new?” “Bob, guess what? I’m sleeping with Cindy Crawford!”
Jokes, Funny Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Blonde Jokes, Adult Jokes, and Funny Stuff to Keep you Laughing!
