Funny Jokes, Jokes

Military Sex Joke

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These military jokes never cease to be funny – especially ones like this!

The Commanding Officer of a U. S. Marine Corps regiment was waiting for the coffee to finish brewing, so he decided to kill a little time by asking all assembled a question. “How much of sex is work and how much is pleasure?” The X.O. said 75% work, 25% pleasure. A captain said 50-50. A lieutenant responded 25% work, 75% pleasure, depending on how drunk he was at the time. With no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC in charge of making coffee. “What’s your opinion, son?” Without hesitation, the young man responded, “100% pleasure, sir!” The colonel was surprised. “Why?” “Because, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me do it for them!”

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Funny Jokes, Jokes, Newlywed Jokes

John and Mary’s Wedding Night

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John and Mary were high school sweethearts, but had never had sex. “We must wait until we are married,” Mary told him. He waited. They were engaged for years, until the big day arrived. On their wedding night, Mary shyly confessed, “I have bad news. I started my period and I don’t want our first time to be all messy!” John moaned, “You’re kidding.” Mary said, “We’ll just have to wait a while longer.” Mary fell asleep, but awoke at 3 AM and noticed John was wide-awake, staring at the ceiling. “John, you might as well go to sleep.” John sighed. “I would, except my d¡ck’s so hard there’s not enough skin left to close my eyes!”

Funny Jokes, Jokes, Old Man Jokes, Sex Jokes

80th Birthday Party (joke)

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An old man said to his doctor, “Doc, tomorrow’s my eightieth birthday. I want to do it just one more time before I die, so I’ve hired a hooker for the night. Can you give me something to get it up?” The doctor smiled. “Normally, I don’t prescribe this stuff, but in your case, I could probably make an exception.” On the night of the “celebration,” the doctor got curious and phoned the man. “How’s it going?” “Fabulous,” replied the old man. “I’ve come three times already!” “Great,” said the doctor. “I’ll bet the hooker is astounded.” “Not exactly,” said the old man. “She’s not here yet!”

Church Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

The Pastor’s Transportation

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Pastor Brown was driving to church Sunday in his Cadillac when he spied Pastor White riding a bicycle. He stopped and asked, “What happened to your Chevy?” “Things have been tight lately. I had to sell it to pay the church mortgage.” “You need to preach on tithing and the importance of sharing one’s wealth with God and Church this Sunday, Pastor White. How do you think I got my new Cadillac?” The next Sunday he saw Pastor White only this week he was walking. “What happened? Did you have to sell your bike?” “No,” said Pastor White. “I think one of my parishioners stole it.” “That’s terrible,” said Father Brown. “This Sunday, preach the Ten Commandments and when you get to ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ lay it on extra heavy. I guarantee your bike will mysteriously reappear.” Sure enough, the following Sunday Pastor Brown saw Pastor White, and this week he was back on his bicycle. Pastor Brown said, “See? I told you the Ten Commandments would do the trick.” Pastor White sheepishly replied, “Well, it did help, but not like you thought. When I got to ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I remembered where I left my bike!”

Blonde Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Two Blondes Walking (joke)

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Two blondes were walking down the street when one saw a compact lying on the sidewalk. She picked it up, opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” The other blonde said, “Let me see.” She grabbed the compact, took a look and said, “You dumbass! That’s me!”

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Hooked on Phonics Joke

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Little Johnny jokes crack me up, didn’t we all know somebody like this when we were kids?

Little Johnny was five years old and just learning to read. He and his mother were reading a book on animals when he pointed at one page and cried, “Look, Mommy! It’s a frickin’ elephant!” His mother took a deep breath and said, “What did you say?” “It’s a frickin’ elephant, Mama! Look! It says so right here!” And so it did: “African Elephant.” Ain’t Hooked on Phonics wonderful?

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Funny Jokes, Jokes, Police Jokes

The Name is Fred (joke)

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biker

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

‘Fred,’ he replies.

‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.

‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Dingaling. I know — a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.’

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Country Humor, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Farmer Brown and the City Slicker

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Farmer Brown took pity on the young city slicker and agreed to hire him for a day. But while spray painting the barn, he got paint on the donkey through the open door. Farmer Brown was furious, but gave him another chance. But when he replaced barb wire on a fence, a rooster got in the way and he nailed him to a fence post. “One more screw-up and you’re gone, son!” said Farmer Brown. “Let’s see if you can mow my yard. Even a city slicker should be able to do that!” But he didn’t see Farmer Brown’s pet cat lying in the tall grass and ran over it. Brown was livid and called the local sheriff. “I’m sorry, Farmer Brown, but why should I arrest him? On what charge?” “Well, Sheriff, first he painted my ass red, then he nailed my cock to the fence, and finally, he ran over my wife’s pussy with the lawn mower!”

Funny Jokes, Groaners, Jokes, Old Lady Jokes, Old Man Jokes

It’s Fart Football!

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An elderly couple has only been in bed for a few minutes when the man farts. He says, “7 points!” She asks, “7 points for what?” The old man replies, “It’s fart football.” A minute later, she fires one off. “Touchdown! Tie score,” she announces. A few minutes pass and the old man farts again. “Touchdown! I’m up, 14 to 7.” Not to be outdone, the wife rips another. “Touchdown! Tie score.” A few seconds later, she pinches off a tiny squeaker. “Field goal! I lead, 17-14.” The pressure is on. The old man refuses to lose. He strains and strains but to no avail. Finally, he gives it everything he’s got, but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife asks, “What in the hell was that?” And the old man replies, “Halftime! Switch sides!”

Blonde Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

A Blonde Goes to the Doctor

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A doctor puts a terribly overweight blonde on a diet. “Eat regularly for two days and then skip a day. Repeat this for two weeks and then come see me. By then you should have lost five pounds.” The blonde returns after two weeks, but she’s lost twenty pounds! “That’s amazing!” says her doctor. “Did you follow my instructions exactly?” The blonde nods. “I did, but I thought I was gonna die that third day.” “From hunger?” “No, from skipping!”