A masked man carrying a shotgun burst into a sperm bank and shouted at the woman behind the counter, “Open the safe!” She nervously replied, “We’re not a real bank. We don’t have any money here. We’re a sperm bank!” He yelled back at her, “Don’t you argue with me! Open that safe or I’ll blow your head off!” She did so. “Now grab a bottle and drink it!” he ordered. “What?! It’s sperm!” “Don’t argue. Just drink it!” She did as she was told. The man ripped off his mask and to her amazement, it was her husband. “See? It’s not that difficult!”
Three men break out of prison (joke)
A white man, a black man, and a Mexican man broke out of a Florida prison. Running through the woods, with guard dogs closing in on them, came to a swamp filled with alligators. The white man says, “I’ve got to go for it. If I don’t, the dogs’ll get me.” He didn’t get more than twenty feet when the alligators got him. The black man said, “I’m bigger and stronger than that white dude. I can outswim those gators.” He got about a hundred feet before the alligators got him. The Mexican was afraid to try until the dogs came out of the woods right behind him. Then he jumped in and swam all the way across and got away. A little alligator turned to a bigger alligator and said, “Daddy, why did we eat the first two men, but not the Mexican?” The big alligator replied, “The last time we had Mexican, my a$s burned for days!”
Little Johnny in School (joke)
Little Johnny walked into school thirty minutes late. “Sorry I’m late, teacher,” he said, “but I didn’t get my f*¢king breakfast.” “Johnny, we don’t use language like that in school! Go stand in the corner!” She then continued the geography lesson. “Who can tell me where the Canadian border is?” she asked. No hand went up except Little Johnny’s. The teacher ignored him and asked again. Still no takers, so she reluctantly called on Little Johnny. He replied, “He’s in bed with my Mom and that’s why I didn’t get any f*¢king breakfast!”
The Catholics and the Jews Play Golf (joke)
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.
The Pope then met with the College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.” Your Holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world.”
The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked, “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” “None who plays golf very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But,” he added, “There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can arrange to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match.”
Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,” said the golfer.
“Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.
“Well, Your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I have played some terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
“How can there be bad news?” the Pope asked.
“I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods.”
Chuck Norris Facts (jokes)
Well, Chuck Norris Facts have been floating around the Internet for the last few years….and even Chuck Norris has gotten into the act. Here are some of the best ones I could find!
- Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
- Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
- There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
- Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
- When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
- When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
- When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
- God wanted 10 days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.
- You can get Norris tears. You have to milk his eyes, though, like you would a cobra’s fangs. Of course, Chuck Norris is much more dangerous than any cobra.
- Chuck Norris can drink so much that his urine is regularly used as a type of rocket fuel.
- Every year on his birthday, Chuck norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun
- Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas
- Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
- Many people think that the moons gravitational pull is what controls the tides. What the authorities do not want you to know is that it is really the power of the bohemith we know as CHUCK NORRIS!!!
- Guns don’t kill people, Chick Norris kills people
- Chuch Norris once punched a woman in the vagina because she didn’t give him exact change
- Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane by pointing his finger and yelling “bangâ€
- Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by pointing at her and saying “boo-yaâ€
- Chuck Norris doesn’t use a razor to shave in the morning, he roundhouse kicks himself in the face… because the only thing hard enough to cut Chuck Norris, is Chuck Norris.
- Every time Chuck Norris kills a man, an angel gets its wings.
- Before e-mail was invented, chuck norris would attatch messages to kittens and roundhouse them.
- chuck norris doesn’t need air, air needs chuck norris.
- When Chuck Norris was born, he had already had sex, three times
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity – twice
Alligator Shoes (blonde joke)
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, “Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!”
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, “Well little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?”
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration . .
“CRAP! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!”
Gay Flight Attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.”
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”
She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.”
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so IÂ outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch.”
Hilariously funny commercials video from around the world
To follow up the other funny video posts, here’s a great post from YouTube of funny commercials! If you think you’ve seen them all – think again! This is a good mix of hilariously funny commercial videos from around the world – international flavor!
Best funny video clip montage on YouTube
Remember those funny video shows, and there’s that segment where they show a video montage of the funniest video clips they could find? Sometimes they’ll be the funniest animal videos, sometimes the funniest wedding videos, sometimes just the funniest clips of guys getting hit in their crotch. This is a video compilation put together by someone at home (in that style) with some of the best funny video clips you’ll ever see! Don’t close your eyes, there’s seven minutes worth in this batch, enough to keep you laughing and rolling on the floor gasping for air!
Best Homer Simpson impression ever! searching YouTube!
This guy does possibly the greatest Homer Simpson impression you’ll ever see! You’ll think that he’s the guy on The Simpsons that actually does the voice! He’s even got the facial expressions and mannerisms of Homer down pat…when you’re watching the video, watch out for when he does the voices of Marge and Barney (which are also dead on!) Who’s needs Simsonize Me when you’ve got this?