Three buddies got married on the same day and at the same hotel. During the receptions, the three guys met up in the bar. “Guys, it’s our wedding night and, uh, I was wondering, er, ah, how many times are we supposed to do it?” Discussion ensued, and finally ended with an agreement to just see how things go and meet up the next morning for breakfast. One groom said, “Wait. We can’t discuss our wedding night performances over breakfast with our new wives there.” “You’re right. Let’s just order one slice of toast for every time we did it.” “Excellent idea!” The next morning, the brides and grooms staggered to their tables and the waitress came to take their orders. The first groom said, “I’ll have the full breakfast with three slices of toast, please.” The other two grooms smiled at his prowess. The second groom ordered, “I’ll have the full breakfast but with four slices of toast.” The third groom grinned and said, “I’ll have the full breakfast, please, but I’ll have…” and here he paused for effect, “seven, yes, seven slices of toast!” “Seven slices of toast, sir?” queried the waitress. “That’s an awful lot.” “Yes it is, young lady, yes it is. But seven slices of toast it shall be…. And, by the way, make two of those, brown!”
Category Archives: Sex Jokes
Never Been F*#!ed (joke)
A girl in a wheelchair was enjoying a day at the beach when a gorgeous beach god approached her. She said, “Excuse me, but may I ask a favor?” “Sure,” he replied. “What can I do for you?” “You see, I’ve never been hugged.” “Well, I can fix that!” he said, and gave her a nice long hug. Then she said, “You know, I’ve also never been kissed.” So he leaned down and gave her a long passionate kiss. She enjoyed it a lot and said, “I’ve also never been fucked.” So the guy picked her from her wheelchair and dropped her in the ocean.
What’s your GPA?
Near the end of the season, the college football player decided to celebrate the end of team curfew at a late night party. He soon spied a beautiful co-ed and eased into conversation by asking, “Meet many dates at parties?” She replied, “Oh, I have a 3.9. I’m more attracted to the strong academics than party animals. What’s your G.P.A.?” Grinning, the jock boasted, “24 in the city and about 30 on the highway!”
What’s the Hurry?
An airline pilot announced over the intercom, “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. We’ve reached our cruising altitude of 33,000 feet, and it looks like we’re going to be right on time. Thank you for flying with us.” Then, wrongly believing he had switched off his microphone, said, “Take the wheel, will ya, Jim? I’m gonna go take a dump and then screw that new stewardess!” The stewardess heard this and ran to the cockpit to inform the captain that the microphone was still on. Halfway up the aisle, she tripped, and fell flat on her face. A sweet little old lady leaned over her and said softly, “What’s the hurry, hon’? He said he was gonna take a dump first!”
A Penguin driving his Cadillac
Once a penguin was driving his Cadillac through Arkansas. Cruising through this small town, his car began to knock. So, the penguin pulls his Cadillac into the local garage. The mechanic says, “it’ll be a couple of hours before I can check it out.” And the penguin replies, “I’ll head across the street and check out that grocery store.” He immediately heads into the frozen foods section, where he spends the next two hours munching on fish sticks and ice cream bars. After a couple of hours, the penguin heads back to the garage. The mechanic takes one look at him and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.” To which the penguin blushes and replies, “Oh, no! That’s just vanilla ice cream.”
Hanging the Laundry
Three women always hang their laundry in their backyards. Often two of the women’s laundry gets wet, but it seems like Sophie’s laundry never gets wet. “How do you do it, Sophie? How come you never put out your laundry on days when it rains?” “Well,” says Sophie, “when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it’s going to be a great day, so I hang out my wash. But if his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang out the wash.” “But, Sophie,” asks one of the women, “What if it’s pointing up?” “Honey,” replies Sophie, “on a day like that, I don’t do laundry!”
The Union Plumber
A woman called a union plumber to her Manhattan apartment to fix a leaking pipe. The plumber was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious well-stacked babe. During the course of his visit they became quite “friendly.” Late in the afternoon the phone rang, disturbing their bedroom shenanigans. Putting down the phone, she said, “My husband is on his way home, but he has to go back to the office around eight. If you come back then we can take up where we left off.” The plumber looked at her in disbelief. “What? On my own time?!”
Good Lord – She’s Fainted!
Mr. and Mrs. Smith had tried for years to have a child, with no luck. They decided to hire a “proxy??? father. On the day the proxy was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. He should be here soon.??? A few minutes later, a door-to-door baby photographer chanced to ring the doorbell, hoping for a sale. “Good morning, madam,??? he began his pitch. “You don’t know me, but I’m here to…??? “Oh, there’s need to explain,??? Mrs. Smith cut in. “Come right in.??? “Really???? said the photographer. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.??? “That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please sit down. Now, where do we start???? asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. “Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.??? “Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn’t worked for Harry and me.??? “Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.??? “I hope we can get this over with quickly,??? gasped Mrs. Smith. “Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.??? “Ain’t it the truth!??? Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and spread out his portfolio of baby pictures. “This was done on the courthouse steps downtown.??? “Oh, my God!??? Mrs. Smith exclaimed. “And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.??? The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. “She was difficult???? asked Mrs. Smith. “Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.??? “Four and five deep???? asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. “Yes,??? the photographer said. “And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could barely concentrate. As darkness approached, I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.??? Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, eh, equipment???? “That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.??? “Tripod???? now Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried. “Oh, yes. I have to use a tripod to hold up my Canon. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she’s fainted!???
Randy the Rooster
A farmer’s last rooster dies leaving his 200 hens unable to produce chicks. He logs onto roosters.com, finds a highly-touted and high-priced specimen, clicks “order??? and the next day, FedEx delivers a rather ordinary looking rooster named Randy. Before releasing Randy to the chicken coop, the farmer tells him, “You were one danged expensive rooster and I’ve got a couple hundred chickens here for you to service, so take your time and do a good job.??? Randy acts as if he understands, but as soon as he is released he attacks the hens with a vengeance, working his way through the entire flock, not just once, but three times without pause! The farmer can’t believe his eyes. Then Randy runs out of the hen house, sees a flock of geese down by the lake and services all the geese. The farmer is distraught, worrying that his expensive rooster won’t make it through the night. Sure enough, the next morning when the farmer wakes, he sees Randy lying dead, buzzards circling overhead. As the farmer bends over to retrieve his costly loss, he shakes his head and says, “Damn it, Randy! Didn’t I tell you to pace yourself???? Randy opens one eye, looks at the circling buzzards and says, “Shhh. They’re getting closer.???
A Young Farm Couple
A young farm couple got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. “Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.” They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor’s office. “What’s wrong? Didn’t my idea work?” “Oh, it worked good,” said Homer. “Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home agin.” “Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?” “I might ah trained her too good. I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started!”