A woman convinced her boyfriend to try a new drink: Bailey’s, lime juice, and salt. She lined up the ingredients on the counter and explained, “First, put a pinch of salt on your tongue, then hold a shot of Bailey’s in your mouth while you drink a shot of lime juice.” Skeptical, but willing to go along, he put some salt on his tongue. Hmm; salty but okay. Then he took a shot of Bailey’s; smooth, rich, pleasant. He thought, “So far, so good.” Then he added the lime juice. The sharp taste hit him and a second later, curdled the Bailey’s to a consistency like mucous. His mouth felt like it was full of snot, which triggered his gag reflex but, being a manly man and wanting to impress his girlfriend, he just grimmaced and swallowed the foul fluid. When he finally regained the ability to speak, he asked her, “Damn! What do you call that concoction?” She smiled and said, “The B. J. Revenge!”
Category Archives: Sex Jokes
You shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, “I can cure this.” That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.? Then he says, “This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
The guy then asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?”? The medicine man replies: “All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned — it will not work again for another year!”
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, “123.” He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life…. just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, “What did you say 123 for?”
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition.
The Godfather (joke)
The godfather was dying. He summonded one of his godsons and said softly, “Mikey, before I go, I gotta ask one favor.” “Yes, godfather, anything. I worship you.” The old man’s eyes narrowed. “I want you to go to my bathroom and masturbate.” The lad looked around uneasily. “I dunno, boss. That’s kinda embarassing. ” “Who raised you as if you were my own? This one thing you can’t do for me?” The young man realized his error and agreed to the request. When he returned, the old man said, “One more request?” “Sure, godfather. Anything.” “Do it again!” “What? I just did it.” “Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? And you can’t do this one little thing for me?” Again he agreed and was soon back. “Okay, I’m done.” “One last request. Do it once more.” “I don’t understand, godfather. Why?” “What? You can’t grant a dying man his last wish?” The boy was gone a long while this time, but eventually he staggered back to the bedside. “I did it but, please, no more. I got nothing left.” “Good!” said the old man, handing him his car keys. “Now go pick up my daughter at the airport!”
The Breakfast Note
John woke up with an enormous erection so he reached over to his wife’s side of the bed but Heather was already downstairs fixing breakfast. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John wrote this note, called their son, and asked him to take it to Mommy: “The tent pole is up / The canvas is spread / The hell with breakfast / come back to bed.” Heather replied with a note of her own: “Take the tent pole down / Put the canvas away / The monkey had a hemorrhage / No circus today.” John scribbled a quick reply: “The tent pole’s still up / And the canvas still spread, / Drop what you’re doing / And give me some head.” Heather’s response? “‘Tho your pole may be / The best in the land / I’m too busy now / So do it by hand!”
No Sex Checkup (joke)
A man complained to his doctor that his wife never wanted to have sex. The doctor told him to bring her in for a checkup. When she arrived, the doctor asked her about her libido. “Well, doctor,” she replied, “the truth is that every morning I take a cab to work and the cabbie always asks me, ‘So are you gonna pay today or what?’ And since we don’t have much money, I always give him the ‘or what’ which makes me late for work so my boss yells at me, ‘So are we going to dock your salary or what?’ And since we need the money, I always give him the ‘or what.’ By the time I get home, I don’t feel like having any more sex.” “Hmmmmm,” thought the doctor, “I see. So, are we going to tell your husband about this, or what?”
The World’s Best Dirty Jokes
Price: $10.43
Each of us has laughed at one or more of the great classics– whether it was the one about the elephant and the canary or the one about the travelling salesman and the farmer’s daughter. Good taste , as it was interpreted by the censors, did not allow the collection and publication of these funniest dirty stories. And so they have been told aloud, passed from mouth to mouth and sometimes from generation to generation. Things have changed. And so, a few years ago, Mr. J. decided to gather together the very best– the very funniest– from the large crop of dirty jokes. Dirty isn’t, of itself, funny. A good dirty joke is often graphic and sometimes shocking. But it is always amusing and often causes hilarity. The final crop of jokes was selected by 12 separate judges. Only those jokes that brought cheer and laughter to the heart were permitted to remain. Some of the stories will be familiar to you. None will be heard on radio or television. But all are designed to make you smile– and, with a little practice, you can make others laugh, too.
Sportsman’s Double
A man met an attractive mature woman in a nightclub. They had some drinks, danced a while, and when things got going she asked him if he’d ever had “a sportsman’s double?” “What’s a sportman’s double?” he asked. “A mother-daughter threesome,” she replied, rubbing his leg. Always interested in learning new things, he immediately headed to her place. She opened the front door, turned on the lights, and yelled upstairs, “Mom? You still awake?”
Little Johnny and his Daddy in the woods
Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, “Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…..
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Chicken wi broccori? (chinese joke)
A Chinese couple get married, she’s a virgin and truth be told he is not all that experienced either.
On their wedding night she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses, he climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, “my darring, “he says, “I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten, bu I promise you, I give you anyfin you wan, I do anyting, juss anyting you wan, Wha you wan?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request, eventually she replies shyly and unsure, “I wan try somethin I hear abou…numbaa 69.”
More thoughtful silence, this time from him, eventually in a puzzled tone he queries…
“You wan… Chicken wi broccori?”
Cleanup at checkout 3!
A fifty-year-old man asks the drugstore checkout girl, “Do you sell condoms?” She replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “I don’t know,” he replies. “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Extra large condoms to checkout 3. Extra large condoms to checkout 3!” A stock boy brings her the condoms, the man pays and leaves. A thirty-year-old man enters the store and asks the same checkout girl, “Do you sell condoms?” She replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “I don’t know.” “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Large condoms to checkout 3. Large condoms to checkout 3!” A stock boy brings her the condoms, the man pays and leaves. Seeing all this, a fifteen-year-old boy decides to try his luck.? He goes through the same checkout and asks sheepishly, “Um, uh, do you guys sell condoms?” And once again she replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “Uh, I dunno.” “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Clean up at checkout 3. Clean up at checkout 3!”
Little Johnny Viagra Joke
Think you’ve heard all the “little Johnny” jokes? Think again – this little Johnny joke was new for me in 2010!
“Children, please name a medicine and what it is used for,” said Mrs. Johnson. The first student said, “Tylenol.” “Very good! And what is Tylenol used for?” “It’s for headaches.” “Excellent. Anyone else?” Another pupil said, “Nytol.” “Excellent. And what is Nytol used for?” “It helps you go to sleep.” “That’s right. Johnny? Do you know a medicine?” Little Johnny thought a moment and then said, “Viagra.” “Uh, okay, Johnny. What is Viagra used for?” “I think it’s for diarrhea.” “Diarrhea? Who told you that?” “No one, but the other night I heard my mom tell my dad, ‘Take a Viagra and maybe that little sh*$ will get harder!’ “