Remember those funny video shows, and there’s that segment where they show a video montage of the funniest video clips they could find? Sometimes they’ll be the funniest animal videos, sometimes the funniest wedding videos, sometimes just the funniest clips of guys getting hit in their crotch. This is a video compilation put together by someone at home (in that style) with some of the best funny video clips you’ll ever see! Don’t close your eyes, there’s seven minutes worth in this batch, enough to keep you laughing and rolling on the floor gasping for air!
All posts by topjokes
Best Homer Simpson impression ever! searching YouTube!
This guy does possibly the greatest Homer Simpson impression you’ll ever see! You’ll think that he’s the guy on The Simpsons that actually does the voice! He’s even got the facial expressions and mannerisms of Homer down pat…when you’re watching the video, watch out for when he does the voices of Marge and Barney (which are also dead on!) Who’s needs Simsonize Me when you’ve got this?
Divorced Barbie Doll Joke
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, ‘How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?’ The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95’.
The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: ‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made with Ken’s balls.
Italian Virgin (joke)
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was very nervous. Her mother
reassured her; ‘Don’t worry, Maria, Tony’s a good man.
Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you. Meanwhile, I’ll be making pasta.’ So, up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, ‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.’
‘Don’t worry, Maria,’ says the mother, ‘all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.’ So, up she went again. When she got up in the
bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. ‘Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!’
‘Don’t worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take
good care of you.’
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. ‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!’
Her Mama said, ‘Stay here and stir the pasta.’
Divorce Court (joke)
The wife appeared before the judge and said, “I want a divorce.” The judge said, “Why do you want a divorce?” “Because my husband is a terrible lover.” “How long have you been married?” “Fourteen years.” “I don’t understand,” said the judge. “Why wait fourteen years to divorce your husband if he’s a terrible lover?” She said, “Because, your honor, until that salesman stopped by last week, I didn’t know!”
The Redneck and the Police Dog (joke)
One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, “Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?” The redneck said it was his. “Your dog seems to be in heat.” The redneck replied, “No way. She’s cool ’cause she’s tied up under that shade tree.” The policeman said, “No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.” “No way,” said the redneck. “That dog don’t need bread. She ain’t hungry ’cause I fed her this mornin’.” The exasperated policeman said, “NO! You don’t understand. Your dog wants to have sex!” The redneck looked at the cop and said, “Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!”
The French Maid
A rich Beverly Hills matron got mad at her French maid, told her in no uncertain terms about her shortcomings as a housekeeper, and then fired her. The maid’s Gaelic ancestry couldn’t allow such abuse to go unanswered. “Ma’am, you should know: your husband considers me a better housekeeper than you. He told me himself.” Her boss said nothing. “And furthermore, he considers me a better cook than you, too.” Again, no rise. “Plus, I am better in bed than you!” Her former employer sneered, “And I suppose my husband told you that, too?” “No, ma’am,” said the maid. “The FedEx driver!”
Sperm Instructions (joke)
The new sperm was receiving instructions from the boss sperm. “When you hear the siren, head for the tunnel, swim until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern, swim to the end of that cavern where you will find a sticky red ball. Address that egg, saying: ‘I am a sperm’ and it will answer, ‘I am an egg.’ From then on you’ll work together to create an embryo. Understand?” The sperm nodded. A few days later, the sperm heard the siren. He went to the tunnel with millions of sperm swimming behind him but he vowed to arrive first. He swam through the cavern and finally approached the sticky red ball. He smiled and said, “Hi! I am a sperm.” The sticky red ball said, “Hi! I am a tonsil!”
It’s all controlled by horse’s Asses!
Railroad tracks.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.
Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.
Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder ‘What horse’s ass came up with this?’ , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses’ asses.)
Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah
The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass. And you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important? Ancient horse’s asses control almost everything… and CURRENT Horses Asses in Washington are controlling everything else!
Life or death (joke)
A police officer stopped a man for speeding. “Good afternoon, sir. Do you know you were speeding?” “Yes, officer, I know I was speeding, but this is a matter of life or death.” “Oh, really? How’s that?” “There’s a naked woman waiting for me at home.” “I don’t see how that’s a matter of life or death…” “Because if I don’t get home before my wife does, she’s gonna kill me!”