All posts by topjokes

Blonde Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Jokes

Smart Blonde and the Lawyer

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay, ” says the lawyer, “your turn”.

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you, ” and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Don’t Screw With a Cowboy (joke)

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A man and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat tire. As he got out, the boyfriend spotted a cowboy nearby, sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke. He told his girlfriend, “Watch me make that cowboy change my tire!” He got out and ordered, “Hey, you! Get off that horse and change my tire.” The cowboy lit his cigarette and ignored him. “Hey! I told you to change my tire. If you don’t, I’ll kick your a$$!” The cowboy glanced up and said softly, “Tell you what, feller. First, I’m going to finish my smoke. Then I’m going to get down off this horse, kick your a$$, and make you change your own tire while I play with your girlfriend. And when you’re done, I’m gonna make you hold my balls up out of this hot sand while I do it to her.” Later, driving away, the girlfriend said, “That cowboy was pretty tough, wasn’t he, baby?” The boyfriend replied, “Naw, he wasn’t that tough. Did you see him flinch whenever I dropped his balls in the sand?”

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Three Boys at the Barber (joke)

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Three young boys were reading magazines while waiting for the barber. One boy had Popular Mechanics, the second boy had Field and Stream, and the third boy had somehow found a copy of Playboy. An elderly man sitting nearby asked the first boy, “Son, what do you want to be when you grow up?” The boy reading Popular Mechanics replied, “I want to be the best mechanic ever!” Then the man asked the second little boy, “Son, what do you want to be when you grow up?” The boy reading Field and Stream replied, “I want to be the best fisherman ever!” He hesitated after noticing the third little boy’s magazine selection, but he finally asked, “Son, what do you want to be when you grow up?” The boy reading Playboy replied, “Well, I’m not ‘xactly sure what you call it, but I just can’t wait!”

Computer Jokes, Pics

Better ways to log off (funny cartoon)

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Here’s a funny one – there sure are better ways to log off!

[photopress:better_ways_to_log_off.jpg,full,pp_image]

Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

What Size Do You Need? (joke)

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A man walked into a country store and shyly asked the pretty girl behind the counter if they sold condoms. Noticing his unease, she decided to have a little fun. “What size do you need?” she asked. “Uh, I don’t know. Size?” “They come in three sizes. This happens all the time. Don’t worry. We have three knotholes in the fence out back you can use for sizing. Just go put it to the test.” When he did, she sneaked out the backdoor and was waiting for him by the fence. When he put it through the first knothole, she gave him a hand job. When he put it through the second hole, she gave him oral sex. And when he put it in the third hole, she pulled down her pants and did him herself. When they were finished, she ran back into the store. After a while, he finally came back in. “So? What size do you need?” she asked. He answered, “None, but I would like about 8′ of that fence!”

Funny Jokes, Jokes, Old Man Jokes

How to call the police when you’re old

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George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.? ? George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”.? ? Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.? Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.? Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.”? Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.? One of the Policemen said to George: “I thought you said that
you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

I LOVE IT – Don’t mess with old people!!

Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Little Johnny Jokes, Sex Jokes

Little Johnny Viagra Joke

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Think you’ve heard all the “little Johnny” jokes? Think again – this little Johnny joke was new for me in 2010!

viagra joke “Children, please name a medicine and what it is used for,” said Mrs. Johnson. The first student said, “Tylenol.” “Very good! And what is Tylenol used for?” “It’s for headaches.” “Excellent. Anyone else?” Another pupil said, “Nytol.” “Excellent. And what is Nytol used for?” “It helps you go to sleep.” “That’s right. Johnny? Do you know a medicine?” Little Johnny thought a moment and then said, “Viagra.” “Uh, okay, Johnny. What is Viagra used for?” “I think it’s for diarrhea.” “Diarrhea? Who told you that?” “No one, but the other night I heard my mom tell my dad, ‘Take a Viagra and maybe that little sh*$ will get harder!’ “

Funny Jokes, Husband Jokes, Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Wife Jokes

The Miracle of Toilet Paper

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Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically? telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds”.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I asked.

“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.

I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”

Without missing a beat he says “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

Alzheimer's Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

The Actor’s Lines (joke)

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A once great actor could no longer remember lines but an old director friend wanted to give him one more chance. “James, this part has only one line: You walk on stage carrying a rose, hold it to your nose with your finger and thumb, sniff it deeply, and say ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.’ ” James was thrilled. He practiced his line over and over again until finally, it was opening night. The curtain rose, James walked on stage and with great passion delivered his line perfectly and with great inflection: “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.” The theatre erupted with laughter. The director was steaming mad! “You bloody fool!” he cried. James was bewildered. “What happened? Did I mess up my line?” “No!” screamed the director. “You forgot the rose!”

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Three Eskimos and Their Igloos

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Three Eskimos were bragging about how cold their igloos were. They decided to visit all three to see which was the coldest. At the first Eskimo’s igloo, the owner said, “Watch this!” He threw a cup of water into the air and it froze before it hit the floor. “That’s cold,” agreed the other two Eskimos, but each maintained that his igloo was colder still. At the second Eskimo’s igloo, the owner said, “Watch this!” He took a big breath and exhaled. His breath froze in mid-air and fell in a lump on the floor. “Wow, that’s even colder than mine!” said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo wouldn’t give in. At his igloo, he went into the bedroom, threw back the furs, retrieved one of several small ice balls there, put it in a spoon, and then held it over the fire. In a few seconds when it thawed, it went “faaaaaaart! ” He won.