Little Johnny heard the word “whorehouse” during recess and later asked his father what it meant. Dad was shocked. “Well, uh, John, that’s a place where men go to, uh, to have a good time.” Johnny replied, “I wanna go there. I wanna go there.” Dad insisted that Johnny was too young. But on Saturday night, when Johnny’s dad and some of his friends headed to Mable’s for “a good time,” Little Johnny secretly followed them. Once Dad and his buddies had been inside a while, Little Johnny knocked on Mable’s front door. She opened the door and was surprised to see an eight-year-old standing there. “Yes?” she asked. Little Johnny said, “I’m here for a good time!” Since Mabel had a heart of gold (of course!), she invited him inside, gave him three donuts, and then sent him on his way home. Johnny took his time going home and arrived home well after his Dad. “Johnny, where have you been? It’s late!” “I went to Mabel’s whorehouse, Daddy!” Dad blanched. “You did? Umm, how was it?” Johnny bragged, “Well, I managed the first two with no problem, but I just licked the third one!”
Category Archives: Funny Jokes
It happenned to my sister (joke)
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin , there’s a better one. At McDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!” The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn , there’s this place,
Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.” Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place called Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your
third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”
“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”
“No,” replies the Polish guy, “but it happened to my sister!”
The Tea Party (joke)
Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of “tea” (really just plain water). He praised her good “cooking,” so she brought him more. After several cups of “tea,” and much praise, Mom came home. “Honey, watch this,” said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea. “Isn’t she just the cutest?” Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of “tea” before asking, “Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!”
Courting on the Farm (joke)
Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch. One evening, as they sat on Bill’s porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prize bull humping one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel. He leaned over and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to do what that bull is doing.” Mabel whispered back, “Go ahead. She’s your cow!”
Two Parrots (joke)
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
“You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying … that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.” The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!”
The $10 Bet (joke)
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, ‘What’s with the money in the jar?’
‘Well……you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.’
The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up. And so he asks, ‘What are the three tests?’
‘You must pay first…… Those are the rules,’ says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
‘Okay,’ the bartender says, ‘here’s what you need to do:
First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.
Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex…. You have to take care of that problem!’
The man is stunned. ‘I know I paid my $10, but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things…’
‘Your call,’ says the bartender….. ‘but, your money stays where it is.’
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,’Where’s the damn tequila?’
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks… but he doesn’t make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds… then nothing but silence!
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he’s bleeding all over his body.
He says, ‘Now where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?’
Two Nuns in a convenience store (joke)
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section.
One asks the other if she would like a beer.
The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it.
The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, “Here, don’t forget the curlers.”
The Doctor’s Appointment (joke)
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
“How much do you weigh?” she asks.
“115,” she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140 (I wish).
The nurse asks, “Your height?”
“5 foot 8,” she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5′ 5″.
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
“Of course it’s high!” she screams,
“When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”
Little Johnny’s Prayer
Little Johnny wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA , they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those sorry suckers deducted $95.00 in taxes.
Morning Sex
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in.  She turned and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.”
His eyes lit up and he thought, “This is my lucky day.” Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, “What was that all about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”