Category Archives: Funny Jokes

Church Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Preacher Jokes

The Son of a Bitch Fish

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The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, ‘Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!’? ? ‘Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!’

‘ No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!’? ‘Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!’? ? Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.? ? ‘Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen.’

‘Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?’

‘Why, eat it of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!’

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.? ? ‘Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!’

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, ‘Father!’

‘It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!’
‘ Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?’

‘ Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch.’

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

‘I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch’, she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

‘What are you doing Sister?’

‘Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops’ dinner.’

‘Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!’
‘No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch fish.’

‘Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and? that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!? Let me know when you’ve finished? cleaning it.’

On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, ‘This is great fish, where did you get it?’ ‘I caught that Son of a Bitch!’ proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop’s eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

‘And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!’ exclaimed the Sister.

The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.

The Friar added, ‘And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!’

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,

‘You fuckers are my kind of people!’

Church Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Wife Jokes

Please form 2 lines

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God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

And the man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”

doctor jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Old Man Jokes

The old man and the waiting room

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An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor’s waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded doctor’s waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said. The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone.” The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Animal Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Monkey Language

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A police officer came upon a terrible car crash where two people had been killed.? As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.”

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.

“You can understand what I’m saying?”asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nodded.

“Well, did you see what happened?”

The monkey nodded. He pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.

The monkey nodded.? The monkey then pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking deeply.

“‘They were smoking marijuana too?” asked the officer.

The monkey nodded. He made a sexual sign with his fingers

“So they were playing around as well!?” asked the astounded officer.

Again, the monkey nodded.

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and playing around before they wrecked the car?”

The monkey nodded.

“What were you doing during all this?” asked the officer.

The monkey held up his hands on an imaginary steering wheel.

Animal Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Eagles Mate for Life

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Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darlin’ of 10 glorious years. He went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!

Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. But he just might like to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.

He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK but all the DOVE would say is I am a DOVE I want to Love!? I am a DOVE I want to love!

Well this got on Harry’s nerves so he kicked the Dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He found a very sexy LOON and brought her back to the nest, again the sex was great, but all the LOON would say is, I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON I want to spoon! Egads, out with the LOON.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous DUCK,so He brought the DUCK back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the DUCK would say was…well ….. you know ….

No …… the DUCK didn’t say THAT!!!!!? That’s an awful thing to think!

The Duck said, I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE!

Funny Jokes, Jokes, Sex Jokes

You shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition

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Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, “I can cure this.” That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.? Then he says, “This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The guy then asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?”? The medicine man replies: “All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned — it will not work again for another year!”

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, “123.” He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life…. just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, “What did you say 123 for?”

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition.

Blonde Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Blonde Teacher joke

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She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.’You ok?’ she says.

‘Yes.’ he says.

‘You can go and play with the other kids you know.’ she says.

‘It’s best I stay here.’ he says.

‘Why?’ says the blonde.

The boy says: ‘Because, I’m the frigging goalie’

Funny Jokes, Jokes

The Amish Elevator

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An Amish father and son were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that moved? apart and slid back together again.

The boy asked “What is this father?” The father never having seen an elevator responded, “Son, I
have never seen anything like this in my life.

While they were watching in amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch and the numbers began to light in reverse order. Finally the walls opened up and a gorgeous? young blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son…”Go get your mother”.

Funny Jokes, Jokes

The Breakfast Plan

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Two young boys decided it was about time that they started cursing. The five-year-old instructed, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m going to say ‘hell’ and you say ‘ass.’ Okay?” His four-year-old brother replied, “Okay!” When
Mom asked them what they wanted for breakfast, the elder boy said, “Aw, hell, Mom. I’ll have Cheerios.” WHACK! She smacked him out of his chair and across the floor. He ran upstairs crying with Mom in hot pursuit. She locked him in his
room and shouted through the door, “And you stay in there until I let you out!”? She then went back downstairs and asked the younger boy, “And what do you want for breakfast? “I don’t know,” he blubbered, “but you can bet your sweet ass it
ain’t gonna be Cheerios!

Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Community Service

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Two young men stood before a judge, due to be sentenced for smoking dope. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men and I’d rather give you a second chance than jail time. I want you to go out and show others the evils of drug use and talk them into giving up drugs forever. Be back here on Monday.” Next Monday, the judge asked the first guy, “How did it go?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs.” “17 people? That’s pretty good. How did you do it?” “I drew a simple diagram with a big circle and a small circle and I told them, ‘This big circle is your brain before drugs. This small circle is your brain after drugs.'” “Admirable,” said the judge, then turned to the second guy. “And how did you do?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs.” “156! That’s amazing! How did you do it?” “I used a similar approach. I drew a small circle and a big circle and I told them, ‘This small circle is your a**hole before prison…'”