Category Archives: Funny Jokes

Ethnic Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Sex Jokes

Chicken wi broccori? (chinese joke)

Leave a comment

A Chinese couple get married, she’s a virgin and truth be told he is not all that experienced either.

On their wedding night she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses, he climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, “my darring, “he says, “I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten, bu I promise you, I give you anyfin you wan, I do anyting, juss anyting you wan, Wha you wan?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request, eventually she replies shyly and unsure, “I wan try somethin I hear abou…numbaa 69.”

More thoughtful silence, this time from him, eventually in a puzzled tone he queries…

“You wan… Chicken wi broccori?”

Blonde Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Jump! It’s Your Only Chance

Leave a comment

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were trapped in a burning building. Firemen arrived and spread out the blanket. “Jump! It’s your only chance!” they cried. The brunette jumped and Swish! the firemen yanked the blanket away. The brunette smashed into the sidewalk. “Jump!” the firemen yelled to the redhead. “Oh, no!” the redhead cried. “You’ll pull the blanket away!” “No, no! It’s brunettes we can’t stand! We love redheads!” “Well, okay,” said the redhead, as she jumped. Swish! the firemen yanked the blanket away and she smashed into the sidewalk. Finally, it was the blonde’s turn. “Jump!” yelled the firemen. “No way!” yelled the blonde. “You’ll just pull the blanket away again!” “No, we won’t. We won’t pull the blanket away. We love blondes!” The blonde was adamant. “Nothing you say will convince me! Now put that blanket down and step away from it…”

Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Old Man Jokes, Sex Jokes

Cleanup at checkout 3!

Leave a comment

A fifty-year-old man asks the drugstore checkout girl, “Do you sell condoms?” She replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “I don’t know,” he replies. “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Extra large condoms to checkout 3. Extra large condoms to checkout 3!” A stock boy brings her the condoms, the man pays and leaves. A thirty-year-old man enters the store and asks the same checkout girl, “Do you sell condoms?” She replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “I don’t know.” “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Large condoms to checkout 3. Large condoms to checkout 3!” A stock boy brings her the condoms, the man pays and leaves. Seeing all this, a fifteen-year-old boy decides to try his luck.? He goes through the same checkout and asks sheepishly, “Um, uh, do you guys sell condoms?” And once again she replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “Uh, I dunno.” “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Clean up at checkout 3. Clean up at checkout 3!”

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Precious little girl

Leave a comment

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, “I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”

Funny Jokes, Jokes, Old Lady Jokes

Little Old Lady (joke)

Leave a comment

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there’s a rip in one of the bags and every once in a while, a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement!

Noticing this, a policeman stops her…. ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag … ‘

‘Oh, really? Darn,’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!

‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?’

‘Oh, no,’ said the little old lady. ‘You see, my backyard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, ‘$20 or I cut it off ‘

‘Well, that seems only fair,’ laughs the cop. ‘OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?’

‘Well….’ says the little old lady, ‘…not everybody pays”

Church Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Preacher Jokes

Screw the preacher

Leave a comment

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation,…..no one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, …. “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a? new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”? The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,….”If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!”? More sighs and loud applause,

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, …. I will give him sex!”
There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, . “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?” Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,…..”Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ….? “Screw the Preacher!'”

Drinking Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Drinking Problem (joke)

Leave a comment

drinking joke / gay joke
A young gay man’s friends intervened to help his problem drinking. He got involved with AA and after much struggle was clean and sober for a year. To celebrate, he held a small dinner party for his friends who were quite proud of him. He swore then and there to use the same techniques to stop smoking. A year later, he held another party to celebrate being tobacco free. Again, his friends were amazed at his good health. A year later, he hosted another party to announce, “I’m no longer gay.” All his friends, both gay and straight, were amazed. “How have you managed to change your life so drastically? ” “Did you use the same techniques you did when you stopped drinking and smoking?” “Was it a change of lifestyle?” “Was it religious?” He quieted them all and said, “Oh, nothing so drastic. It’s just that, after I quit smoking, everything tasted different!”

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Military Promotion (joke)

Leave a comment

military joke
The colonel had one First Lieutenant slot available, but three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. He called the first candidate into his office and said, “If I told you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Headquarters by 1700, what would you do?” The Lieutenant thought a moment and then responded, “Sir! I would get a shovel, head for HQ, and start digging!” “You’re not ready to be promoted,” said the Colonel. He then asked the next candidate the same question. “Sir! I would fill out a CE work order, make provisions for appropriate environmental studies, and…” “You are definitely not ready to be promoted,” said the Colonel. He asked the final candidate, who immediately responded, “Sir, I would call the First Sergeant, and say, ‘Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1600!” The Colonel barked, “You’re ready to be promoted!”

Blonde Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Mechanic Jokes

Seven Hundred Ten

Leave a comment

A blonde walks into the local garage and asked for a “seven-hundred-ten”.

They all looked at each other perplexed.

Another customer asked, “What is a ‘seven-hundred-ten’?”

She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.” She said that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

Still perplexed, he then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked “is there a ‘710’ on this car?”

She pointed and said, “Of course, it’s right there.

[photopress:710.jpg,full,pp_image]

Funny Jokes, Groaners, Jokes

Something is Wrong With My Leg (joke)

Leave a comment

“Doc, you gotta check out my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear to my thigh; you’ll hear it.” The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh and heard, “Gimme a hundred bucks. I need a hundred bucks.” “Why, I’ve never heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?” said the doctor. “About a week. But there’s more, Doc. Put your ear to my knee.” The doctor placed his ear to the man’s knee and heard, “Gimme fifty bucks. Come on, lend me fifty bucks!” The doctor was dumbfounded. “I don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never encountered anything like this before.” “Wait, Doc, there’s more. Put your ear to my ankle.” The doctor did and heard, “Please, gimme a twenty. All I’m askin’ is a measy twenty bucks!” The doctor shook his head. “I have no medical diagnosis for you,” he said. “But I can tell you this: your leg is broke in at least three places!”